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October 18, 2003Answers:
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My name is Laura and I'm happy to help out with questions if you're asking about a subject I happen to be familiar with. I work at an agency that assists victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, so I'm able to answer questions about those kinds of situations. However, I'll often simply refer people to an agency like the one I work for in their area*, it's usually the best advice I can give. I can also answer most questions about positive dating and sexual relationships, including safe sex. I'm a big fan of the political system so I can answer general questions about that as well, although I won't do your homework for you. My other interests include houseplants, hermit crabs and kiwi fruit. Ask away!*If I tell you to seek help from a domestic violence or sexual assault agency in your area and you're not sure where one is or where to find out, feel free to ask me. Just let me know what city and state (or country, if ouside the US) you live in and I'll give you full contact information for the agency closest to you that will provide the services you need. If you're concerned about privacy, I'm happy to send you the information without posting it on my column, just let me know if that's what you want.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE
advice
How in the world do I get my co-worker to stop interrupting? She expects you to respond the split second she yells from her office. If you don't respond she marches out and starts talking to me even if I'm on the phone or having another conversation. Just some sarcastic help on shutting her down would help :)
The best way to deal with the situation would be to refuse to let her interrupt you. When she strolls into the office when you're on the phone, simply say "you’ll have to excuse me, I'm on the phone, I'll come find you as soon as I'm done" and return to your phone call. Completely ignore anything she says and eventually she'll have to stop. She only does this because she knows you'll listen to her. If her behavior isn't accomplishing her goals she'll tone it down.
The fun way to deal with the situation, since that seems to be more what your asking would be to set up a few situations in which you know she's headed to your office. Pick up the phone and pretend to be speaking to a relative, begin asking about some horribly revolting medical problem of theirs in detail (e.g.: Oh Aunt Bertha, is the boil really that much bigger? Is it still oozing?) If she doesn't want to hear it she'll leave. Repeat as necessary.
I think I have my mind made up already but I'll still ask. I'm in kitchen and bath design and sent out resumes and drawings of mine. Place #1 called first...i'm interested in it but I don't think I personally have enough experience with Auto Cad and computer drawings but they want to hire me. A couple days later, Place #2 called. I love what they do there but still haven't gotten back to me on it. I called today and they don't know when they are going to know but seemed interested at the interview. I told #1 I'd let him know by wednesday. what if #2 doesn't call by then
This is a tricky situation, but it unfortunately comes up often in job searches. I've found that a place that is disorganized about hiring is a disorganized business that you don't want to work for. If place #2 doesn't call by Wednesday I would accept the job at place #1. As long as you were honest about your qualifications to place #1 there's no reason to worry about lack of experience, clearly, you have enough because they were willing to hire you. Telling them that you're waiting on another call will reflect horribly on you because it will make it seem like you don't want to work there. Unless you really dislike place #1, you shouldn't delay accepting their offer past Wednesday.
IN 2002 I was in an auto accident which was not my fault I did have surgery in 2003 and several other treatments done it has been three years and what I would like to know is , is there a time limit on how long before the lawsuit is setteled and can my laywer make the other person come up with a settelment so that it does not have to go to tril.
There is a statute of limitations on virtually any type of lawsuit or criminal prosecution. The particular amount of time varies considerably depending on what the lawsuit is about and which state you live in. You can find out if you can still file a lawsuit by contacting either a lawyer or a justice advice line, a service which some states offer free of charge. To address your other question, your lawyer cannot force the other party to settle. He or she can only offer settlement deals and the other person or their insurance company can accept or decline them. If the person thinks he or she can get away without paying for anything, it's unlikely that they will settle, so if you decide to follow though with this you'll need to be prepared for the possibility of going to a trial.
Ok this is weird but i want to get my ear pierced and my friend has a peircing gun. But my parental unit had a problem with it. But i am 17 i should be able to pierce my own ear. So the question is should i just go pierce it and come home to see what happens or not?
Do you parents oppose it because they don't want you pierced or because your friend would be doing it? Unless your friend is a trained professional you should not let him or her pierce you. Only a professional can reduce the risk of infection or other problems by knowing how to properly use the piercing gun. As a minor, you may have problems getting a professional to pierce you without parental consent (although that depends on the laws in your individual state). I would explain to your parents that you plan on getting it done safely by a professional, see how they respond to a fairly reasonable request. If they still oppose it and you're not old enough yet according to state law, just wait a few months until you're 18. It won't kill you.
Okay, so I like this guy, and he and I are really good friends and he always asks me for help with this girl that he's with, and he's always saying how he wishes he could have a girl like me. Now, I'm single and I've made it clear to him that I like him, and he knows it. But here's the catch, I'm Jewish and he's VERY Christian and he doesn't date anyone who's not Christian. What should I do? I respect his wishes and all, but we're only in highschool and nothing's gonna live on till forever...
If he would seriously reject someone as a high school dating partner on the basis of religion I don't think he's worth your time. He clearly has priorities that do not involve open-minded exploration of other people. Until he's willing to be a little bit more accepting, I would encourage you to look elsewhere. Find someone who accepts people for who they are.
22f
I was in an intense relationship with a pretty disturbed guy for 3 months. He frequently encouraged me to kill myself and was pretty abusive. I don't want to see him again but I still have his jumper and want to return it as I don't like it around and don't want to throw it out(it would give him a reason to contact me again, I've tried to sever all contact) --the only mutual friend we have is his ex and I never told her I was seeing him.
I would send it to him but he's moving house...any suggestions?
It's wise for you to want to avoid contact with this man. It's simply not safe to be around an abusive person or allow him to speak to you. Personally, I would recommend throwing the jumper in the trash, unless you think he could use it as an excuse to contact you later. If you don't want to get his ex involved and feel like you want to give the jumper back to him, consider shipping it to some place where he'll find it. You could send it to his work address, the home of a relative, or even anonymously to his ex.
Hi this is hard to talk about here goes im 18 and i can't perform sexually everytime i go to have sex i lose my erection and i can't get it up
can't seem to get hard again its worrying me and my girlfriend what can i do about this could it be impotence? My penis is really small only 3 inches long erect could that be the problem?
Not being an expert on problems of this kind, the best advice I can give you is to see a urologist, which is a doctor that specializes in these types of problems. What I can tell you is that sexual difficulties of this type are not usually related to penis size, so that shouldn't be the root of the problem. It's also important to realize that this could simply be a temporary part of development and it could very well go away in a few years. If more is involved, your doctor can prescribe medications to help.
I know it can be horribly embarrassing to go to a doctor about something like this, but remember that this is exactly what they deal with every single day; it's their job. You'll probably be the 10th guy your doctor has spoken to about sexual problems on the day of your appointment, this is a very common problem. There's also a good chance that the urologist has spent some time with someone suffering from some kind of horrible, raging, penis disfiguring STD. When you start to get embarrassed, just think about that guy and you'll be surprised how much better you'll feel.
I don't believe in anything but still feel I need a spiritual playground to frolic in... What should I do???
You should take some time to explore different options. Attend worship services of various faiths, read books on religions and cultures, talk to people about why they hold their faith. It's wonderful to be able to study religion with an open mind, take the opportunity to learn as much as you can. Perhaps you'll find that you don't fit into one particular faith, but that you find truth in parts of all of them, or that you disagree with something in all of them. There are spiritual communities, Unitarian Universalists being the largest, that are dedicated to finding truth in all lines of thought and learning new things. Unitarian Universalists actually practice various religions, or no religion, within the same congregation. Perhaps a more open community like that would be positive for you right now.
I'm not sure but I may be a victim of emotional abuse. I've been with my guy since high school, more the half of a decade ago, and we have a child together. Now he doesn't call me names and put me down to my face, though he's come close before, but it's like whenever he's in a bad mood he takes it out on me, he blames EVERYTHING on me that comes to his mind. It makes me feel really low. I think he does it to make himself feel better but then I feel like total crap and I hang my head down and sigh for like hours. Sometimes I get so sick to my stomach over it. It's just this vicious cycle that keeps on going. He acts nice again and I love that person that he is when he is nice so I forget everything and am able to relax again for a little while. But when he changes faces again I'm like, "Oh why do I put myself through this, here we go again." I feel like such trash for putting up with it. I just love him so much, and I know he loves me but wonder if there's a part of him that hates me because he has to blame so much on me. And if I say anything when he is angry, ANYTHING, it makes him angrier and he doesn't listen to anything I have to say. His father treated his mother like this and I think he's following in his footsteps. I don't want my son to think this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman. So I'm just wondering if this is considered emotional abuse. Thanks.
What you're experiencing is absolutely emotional abuse and it has the potential to escalate to physical abuse. The way your partner becomes hostile, blames others for his problems and then apologizes later is textbook abusive behavior. His behavior fits perfectly into something domestic violence experts call the "cycle of violence". Over time, he will become more abusive and his apologies will gradually disappear. If your son is witnessing this abuse, he will come to understand it as normal and will likely repeat the cycle later in his life. Most importantly, the abuse will take a serious toll on you emotionally and you simply do not deserve such treatment. I would recommend contacting a domestic violence agency in your area to get some free counseling. They can help you understand the abuse and get you the resources you need in order to move on with your life. Good luck!
You know those Livestrong Bracelets that everyone is wearing now-a-days? Well according to my Spanish teacher, they're also a symbol for hospitals to not ressusitate (sp.) you if you get in some sort of accident and are put in the hospital. Is this true??? Because if it is, that's awful, and I'm not wearing mine anymore.
This rumor started when a large hospital chain (BayCare Healthy Systems) announced that it would be covering up the popular bracelets to avoid confusion with their yellow DNR bracelets. Not all hospitals use yellow to mean "do not resuscitate" so at most hospitals, it won't be a concern at all. Even at the hospitals in question, the bracelet will simply be covered. There are no actual incidents of someone not being resuscitated because they were wearing a LIVEstrong bracelet, the hospital decided to cover them as a precautionary measure. As usual, some people took this fairly isolated story far out of proportion, but wearers of the bracelet should not be concerned about being revived in an emergency. The bracelet is a fundraiser for cancer research, nothing more.
is ear cartilage piercing safe? i want to do it myself, with sterilized stuff ofcourse. has anyone else done that? what do u think? is it safe?
Cartilage piercing is entirely safe when it is done by a professional with the proper equipment. It is never safe to do any kind of piercing yourself. You will not be able to get a piercing that will work with most earrings if you don't use the right equipment, you have a good chance of permanently messing up your cartilage or piercing a nerve and you run an incredibly high risk of infection. It doesn't matter if the equipment you use is sterile, incorrectly done piercings will become conduits for bacteria. Cartilage piercing, in particular, is considered a higher risk piercing and in many states, even professionals are under strict regulations about how they pierce cartilage. This is because piercings in the cartilage of the upper ear are more prone to infection than lobe piercings. Such infections can cause part of the ear to collapse and become disfigured. Some people have even lost parts of their ears because of infections in cartilage piercings. Professionals can reduce this risk to acceptable levels because they know appropriate places to pierce and they're using fully sterilized equipment designed for the task. Do not attempt to pierce your cartilage on your own, go to a professional.
i put this under Random Weirdos cause it doesnt really fit anywhere else. every winter i get painful dry skin on my hands. the skin cracks, splits then bleeds. it is only my hands and only in the winter! lotion helps a little, for about 10 min, but then my hands hurt again! what can i do/put on my hands?!
For dry skin as bad as yours, avoid lotions that may contain alcohol. Also make sure you're washing your hands with some kind of moisturizing soap, as regular hand washing dries out skin considerably. Try Neosporin to heal the cuts that are bleeding. Petroleum jelly (like Vaseline) can really do wonders for dry hands if you apply it a few times a day. For the best results, buy some moisturizing gloves that are designed for healing dry skin. Some come with moisturizers, so you can just slip them on. Others are just ordinary gloves, but if you apply petroleum jelly before putting them on you'll accomplish the same thing. Wear them at night while you sleep or whenever you're just sitting around. It will make a huge difference.
My brother is gay and a lot of people will always mention about it. They make fun of me because he's gay.. They keeps sayin Ohhh Your brothers GaY!!! and sometime's it doesn't bother me.. but other times it does. Surprisingly, most people are cool with it and say he's the coolest person they ever met.. what should i do!?
Just shout back at them: "Ohhh...your brother is straight! Weird!" Seriously though, those people are fools. Just be proud of your brother for being honest about who he is and avoid people who think otherwise. People who would say those kinds of things to you wouldn't make good friends, so it's a handy way to tell who's not worth your time.
There was a kid in our school who was 14 and he died. Many Ppl knew him so our school has this big assembly, we didn't have to go to class for weeks, we didn't have to do any work or anything like that. 6 months after that when one of my Verry close friends died, it was like the teachers and schoolboard didn't even care. My mom told them my friend and i were upset that there was nothing for him..no assembly..and a ton of work. it wasnt fair.. They told my mom they weren't going to do anything because "nobody signed a sign we made" but 100's of kids signed it! its bullshit! and its not fair.. what can i say to the school people to make them at least have an optinal assembly!
I'm really sorry about your friend. I actually saw some very similar things happen while I was in high school. It's really hurtful that schools place priority upon some student's lives more than others, especially for the friends and families of the students not fortunate enough to fall upon the school's good graces.
It's always harder to say no to people in person. Have a few parents request a meeting with the appropriate school officials. Their children should go with them to the meeting and should take along the banner you had people sign. It will be incredibly difficult for the administration to turn you down if you make your case right there in front of them.
If they still turn you down or refuse to meet with you, go above their heads to the people running the school district. It's totally unacceptable to give preferential treatment to certain students.
My husband and I were talking the other day and he said that if he died he would not want a funeral. I was shocked. Of course he should have a funeral, it's a great way for family and friends to say goodbye. I feel it is more for the family of the deceased anyway. He disagrees, and is shocked that I would not respect his wishes. Who is right here? And if he did die, what are we as a family suppose to do? I would like the love and support of my faamily.
Get a little bit more information from him. Why does he not want to have a funeral? Have him give you some specific reasons. Perhaps there's something about funerals that rubs him the wrong way that you can avoid in the service. Let him know that memorial services come in all shapes and sizes. He doesn't have to have a funeral in a church with a coffin and all of the other traditional trappings, many people choose not to. A few family members can gather in a park, informally share some memories and then go to his favorite restaurant. They can spend an afternoon volunteering for his favorite charity and talk together. They can take a trip to Brazil and scatter ashes in the rainforest. A memorial service can be whatever he wants it to be, and it doesn't have to cost anything at all. Explain that because he is an important part of so many people's lives, his friends and family will need to gather in some way in order to support each other. Tell him that the pain of his death is not something you want to go through alone, which he should be sympathetic to. Let him think about ways that his family and friends can gather to support each other and honor his memory that make him comfortable. Sit down with him and try to think outside of the box. The two of you should be able to find some kind of compromise.
Can you get pregnant from pre-cum?
Yes, it's possible, although not extremely likely. Pre-cum does not contain sperm cells, but it can carry sperm cells left behind from previous, recent ejaculations. If your partner has ejaculated recently and has not urinated since, his pre-cum could transport sperm cells and cause pregnancy. Although this situation may seem unlikely, pre-cum is still a cause for concern because it could definitely carry STDs. It's always important to practice safe sex.
my relationship of 5 years is going down the drain. we have a one and a half year old. today he got upset because he could not find me. he was at work and i went to school to do some papers. when he got off of work he called me a bitch and a whore and he did not believe me that i was at school. i was about to go back to school for class so he hid my makeup, messed up my hair, and threw laundry around the house. then he followed me to school with his bright head lights on. my son was crying and i told my boyfriend to change his diaper and put him to sleep while i go to school cuz he was fussy. his reply was he was not going to do shit. i am stuck as what to do. i do not work much cuz i am a college student. is it ever ok to tolerate this kind of behavior. it is becoming regular. what should i do and how can i do it? i am bad at making decisions, especially the right ones. thanks for listening.
You shouldn't ever have to tolerate that behavior, you deserve better. You deserve better. You are a mother attending college in order to improve your life, which is an incredible feat, and you deserve respect for that. There's no reason for your partner to know your whereabouts every moment of everyday, and there's certainly no justification for his reaction towards you when he couldn't find you. Attempting to keep you from class by hiding your makeup and other things was an effort to control your actions. Following you with bright headlights was incredibly dangerous and showed a total lack of concern for your safety.
Your partner is being controlling and is beginning to show signs of violent tendencies. This is not a positive relationship for you or your son and it will only become worse over time. You may have noticed that his outbursts have become more frequent as your relationship has gone on and that his actions have become progressively more dangerous and damaging. His abuse will become physical eventually and could result in serious injury for you and your son. His abusive behavior may seem unusual because chances are when he's not being abusive; he's probably an incredibly nice guy. Vastly different personalities are typical of abusive men. The longer your relationship lasts, the less you'll see the nice guy and the more you'll see the unpredictable, abusive person who endangers your safety and that of your son.
The best option for you is to contact an agency in your area designed to assist victims of domestic violence. You can also get help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They can offer you counseling, advice as to how to be safe and help if you decide to leave, including safe shelter. You owe it to yourself and to your son to seek some assistance in protecting your safety. Please make the call.
Hey, I need, some help, all the time i get this achy feeling, i never have any thing to do. it seems like all my friends are slipping away from me. My mom is all stressed out, and i can't get anyone to listen to me. My ; classes used to be easy, but now they are hard. I'm sooo confused, please, what should i do?!?!
You need to think about one thing at a time. It's evident from your post that you're thinking about all of your problems at once and that's bound to get overwhelming. Talk to a counselor or teacher at school about time management so that your classes will be easier to handle. Also ask if there are tutors in some of the subjects you're struggling in the most. As for your other problems, try to reduce them down to a core issue. If you think: "my friends are slipping away" you're just generalizing the problem, which makes it difficult to solve. Ask yourself what is making you think that your friends are slipping away, try to pin down a specific incident or conversation that has made you feel this way recently. Think about how to deal with that incident, perhaps with that certain person, in order to reduce the problem down to manageable parts. Try to break down your frustrations into specific events and you'll find them easier to deal with. Use the same strategy in dealing with your mom.
Can birth control give you really really bad mood swings? I started on Ortho tricyclen about three months ago (I'm 19), and recently I've been having really bad mood swings. Could birth control be causing that? Or could it just be outside stress? (which I do have a lot of right now) Any help will be appreciated...I'll rate a 5!
Mood swings, moderate weight gain and upset stomach are all extremely common side effects of birth control pills. After all, you're significantly changing the hormone levels in your body. The good news is that these side effects will usually go away after a few months. In the meantime, they can often be reduced somewhat by taking your pill at the same time each day, taking it towards the end of the day or in the evening and taking it with food. If the side effects are really interfering with your ability to function or don't go away after a few months, you need to go back to your gynecologist. He or she may be able to give you a lower-dosage pill that will be just as effective, but will reduce mood swings and other side effects.
Well here's my situation. My mother was seeing a man for awhile that seemed totally normal, well as time passed he began to become controlling and totally weirded out. He was suppose to be this guy living "the good life" with money ect. ect. Well things started to get weird whenever everytime we were suppose to visit his house the meetings would get "cancelled." After awhile he started to turn my mother against me. He convinced her that I was a hell raising child who needed to be locked up, and I needed help because I was "Ill in the head." All of this was far from the truth. Anyways, to make an extremely long story short, we found out he's not who he says he is, and he has a major criminal record, just got off parole for MURDER. He has an obsession over me (For God only knows what reason) and now the police are after him and he dissapeard before they got the oppurtunity to arrest them. This has brought so much strain on our family. My mom is constantly drinking, and I just can't look at her the same after the things she did to me because this psycho told her to. I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas as to what to do in this situation. I want things to be better in our house-hold after this, but I have no idea where to start to mend it back together. Sorry it's so long, thanks for the help.
It's important to realize that you and your mother were both victims of an abusive person. You threatened his ability to control your mother and divided her attention, which is why he couldn't stand you. Now that he's out of the picture, your mother is going to have a great deal of difficulty getting by without him because he forced her to rely upon him for so long and likely destroyed her self-esteem. She may also feel some guilt about the situation. Your mother needs to seek help from the agency in your area that assists victims of domestic violence. You can probably find the contact information for that agency in the phone book. People there can provide the kind of unique counseling she needs, likely for free. You also need help, perhaps from a private family therapist, but it's quite possible that the domestic violence agency will have counseling available for you too. Abusers will destroy everything in their paths, and this man was no exception. Please contact the agency in your area to get help so your family can mend.