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i am a girl. i have been in the same classes with this one guy for about 6 years. around 3 years ago, we started to talk and hang out together. rumors started, but then they kind of went away after everyone realized that nothing was going on and high school started. this kid follows me constantly and never stops talking. the rumors are starting back up again, and its getting annoying. i dont know if this kid likes me as more than a friend, but i just like him as a friend. how do i let everyone know this (including him without hurting his feelings) and get the rumors and jokes to stop? please help! (link)
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Blunt honesty.
Welcome to your first "Nice Guy". The "Nice Guy" is a guy who makes friends with a girl hoping she'll develop the feelings he already has for her.
The Nice Guy is usually a bit of a doormat. Probably shy, definitely socially awkward. He is too scared and too inexperienced to flirt or present himself in an attractive light, and usually tries to hide all signs of his feelings from the object of his affections.
Its possible that if he had the confidence, maybe interest would have developed on your end. But because of the way he is, and the way he acts, it didn't. More than likely, he watches the guys you are interested in with resentment. He sits there and thinks "I'd be so much better for her" and "I'd treat her so much better". Which is bullshit, because he's probably never had a date in his life and he has no idea how he'd deal with a relationship, but its what he can tell himself to live in denial and pretend that he's your perfect match.
The other bad side is that he doesn't know shit about you. His one sided love affair means he's put you on a pedestal, he sees what he can of your good points and ignores your bad, treating you pretty much like an object rather than a person. Its not rational, and you can't reason with it.
When a guy follows you around like a lost puppy, he's doing what this guy did. The only real solution is to shut him down. Shut him up and tell him point blank that you aren't attracted to him, and that while you're fine with being his friend, you aren't fine with being followed everywhere. If he denies it, claims to just be your friend, look him straight in the eye and tell him you know he's lying, and that he needs to leave you alone for a while. Tell him he needs to stop talking to you until you come back and talk to him, and tell him you aren't sure you're going to be willing to do that.
Also tell him that you won't be able to be his friend unless he stops chasing you and starts being interested in someone else. Tell him that his attraction is whats causing an issue, and that he can control it or you can't be around him anymore.
Its probably not possible, its probable that you'll have to hurt his feelings to get him to stop. But the alternative is to deal with this until he gets tired of it or explodes on you about how you don't appreciate everything he does for you and you're an idiot for not appreciating what was right in front of you.
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My boy bestfriend and I made out . I never thought he saw me that way , he has a girlfriend , and i have a boy im talking to seriously , Ive always been very confused what Ive felt for him , and I think maby he feels the same but im scared to ask if he has feelings for me Should I or just let fate run its course ? (link)
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Never, EVER be the other woman. Never be the reason someone broke up. There are no exceptions, if a break up is warranted then the guy needs to walk away of his own accord (or get dumped) and if a break up is not warranted you're creating a history of fucking up relationships.
If you want to continue to be friends, be friends. If he asks you about your feelings, be honest. But do not start that conversation yourself except to speak up and tell him that you aren't going to do anything like that again while he has a girlfriend.
If he breaks up with her for you, make him wait month or two before you date him. Tell him thats what you're making him do, that he isn't going to jump out of one relationship and into another, that you want him to break up and stay broken up, that he's got to be sure he wants what he wants and that its not just the passion of the moment.
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For people who are marrieed/engaged...
Did you know right away that the one you were going to marry was THE ONE or did it take time? I am 20 years old and have been dating a guy for about a year and a half and originally felt like he was the one, but now i question it. He does everything for me and cares so deeply for me and is hardpressed on marrying me. I used to feel this way too but now it seems those feelings have sizzled off a little bit. It would kill me to end it with him because I still feel strongly for him, but i find myself getting irritated with him so easily lately and im not sure if its just because im stressed with work and school or if im just bored with him. So did you know that your husband/wife/fiancee was the one right away or did it come with time? How did you know this?? Also, how do you bring that spark back when the feelings start to fade?
I cant see myself with anybody else but him, but I feel like I should have more of a desire to want to be with him than I do at this point in time... Any advice at all would be helpful.
Thank you (link)
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You aren't going to realize anything.
Pure choice. There's no such thing as "the one", there's just a person that you choose to be with every day.
I can tell you point blank that you won't love them every day.
Relationships, especially marriages, are constant unceasing, unending work. There is no magic person you will always be alright with, problems in a relationship are a result of the fact that no two people are clones of each other and differences must be overcome and adjusted to.
There will be good days and bad days. The good days are forged out of desire and will. You don't magically love someone forever, the two of you have to commit on a deeper level than love before you're willing to tie the knot.
I like the term partners, because that's exactly what it is. The person you choose to spend your life with is your ally against the world. The person who will be on your side if and when no one else is. The person you trust that far and the person who trusts you the same.
Love is not how you hold onto a person, love is how you enjoy them.
If you feel disconnected, connect. Make it a point to not let yourself get pissed off by small things for a few days and spend some time with him talking, having fun, etc. Go out on an official "date" every once in a while even now that you're together.
Which is, again, work. You have to put yourselves in situations that you can remember the passion. Don't be surprised if some of the feelings fade sometimes. Life stress can definitely get in the way. Struggling through school and being poor as shit and worrying about school, rent, etc all at once can put a damper on your interactions. It's work to not be at each others throats.
But when you can spend a quiet night together recuperating from the rest of the world, it's worth it.
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Kay, so my boyfriend openly talks about girls he thinks are hot, and it sort of makes me feel awkward.
I wouldn't mind if he put it another way (e.g. 'I think *this girl* is pretty' or 'I think this girl is attractive) but he says it along the lines of "*THIS GIRL* IS SO GOD DAMN HOT" and it makes me feel awkward. He'll just bring it up too when it had nothing to do with the conversation...
e.g. I mentioned to him how I was always scared to bring home boyfriends because of my sister's good looks. He then said something along the lines of 'Oh she sounds hot' when he asked for a description of her. He also randomly went on about how "god damn hot" his friend's sister is... and just before I mentioned I lost my keys and he went on about how Alicia Keys is 'hot'...
Am I being out of line? I don't mind if he thinks other girls are attractive, just because he's with me doesn't mean feelings for others change. But I think he could either just discuss it with friends, or word it better when discussing it with me.
I'm sort of sensitive to this stuff, because my ex boyfriend did this, but ten times worse (he would constantly bring how much he wanted sex with other girls and that sort of stuff into it as well) so I feel as if I may be scarred from that experience, but it's taught me to deal with this stuff early on. (link)
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Your boyfriend is an immature child.
An adult would not tolerate his inability or unwillingness to control himself. Its not "a cool part of his personality that he just can't help but it doesn't matter because its charming" or whatever justifications have let you not walk this long.
Why are you tolerating this?
Am I completely out of touch, do kids think that its normal for a guy to talk to a girl he is dating about how hot everyone but she is? Is this widespread or something?
Tell the guy that you don't date children, and his constant outbursts are childlike. Follow through, and don't date guys that act this way.
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my boyfriend of 6 1/2 months broke it off today. i guess we're both the problem in the relationship somewhat, we've broken up a few times in the past. one thing wrong with me is im a very moody person. one day ill be totally fine. and then ill get depressed after awhile,..and then my boyfriend will annoy me and ill get really bitchy. he told me today he was sick of all my bullshit, and i knew he was referring to my on and off moodiness. i got pissed at him and the argument got way heated. we were screaming at eachother and i even kind of jumped on him? like i guess i was trying to hurt him or something, i dont really know what i was doing. and i made the mistake of doing that in front of his mom -.-'' so obviously, im the main point of this while breakup. i dont really know how things are going to work out for us, and if they do eventually pass and we become friends in the long run, ill be way lucky.
i just want to know how to not fuck up another relationship. im 16 and ive had 11 failed relationships. i hate dating around, and want to find one guy to spend my life with, and obviously thats not working out. how do i hide my emotions? how do i control my anger? how can i stay cool even when im a total emotional wreck on the inside?
can someone help me? (link)
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Ok.
First off, you won't find someone to spend your life with at 16.
Think back to 12. What were you like then? How did you see the world? How stupid do some of the things you thought then seem now to you at 16?
Now think about 20. Think about what you'll be like then, how stupid some of the things you think now will seem with another 4 years.
Bottom line there, you will not be the same person in 4 years. You won't be the same person 4 years after that. Change accelerates around 12-13 and slows down again in your early to mid 20s.
Similarly, any guy you date now won't be the same person in 4 years, in 8 years.
Not exactly a recipe for longevity.
The good news is, you're on the right track. Relationships haven't been working, you want to fix that.
You have an anger management problem. You should seriously consider looking into an anger management therapy group or counselor.
As to the emotional wreck part, you probably need to be single for a while.
Consider seeing a therapist, they are the best next step in figuring everything out. Anger problems are hard to deal with, but what it comes down to is will. The recognition of how bad you can be and the refusal to indulge that side of yourself.
A random trick. When I'm pissed off I try to find a way to break the thought process. Often times we cycle ourselves, you think about things that piss you off, which makes you more pissed off, which makes you think of more things that piss you off. Building towards an inevitable explosion.
If you head yourself off at the pass, you can break that cycle and regain control. It takes practice and effort and attention.
Walking out of the room can be effective. The caveat, is if you walk out of the room you need to be able to communicate what you're doing and that you are coming back. If you just walk, it can make things worse. If you can grit your teeth and say "I need to collect myself, I will be back in a minute" and then walk, you can give both of you some breathing room and return rationally.
Mental exercises are also effective. Ever heard of meditation?
Find a quiet spot where you won't be disturbed. You're going for absolute silence, if you can't get that you need a background noise that will drown everything else out (like a floor fan or something).
Sit somewhere, I prefer the floor, in the middle of your bed would work equally well.
Now, the goal here is mental relaxation. I said sit on the floor or in the middle of your bed because you want to force your mind to be what is relaxed, if you have a relaxing physical sensation to focus on (like your back resting against the couch or headboard) it can distract you from what you're doing.
Once you're situated, start with breathing exercises. Focus on slowing your breathing and deepening your breaths. You want to be breathing at the same, steady, relaxed rate. You might find that you can feel your heart beating more slowly if you concentrate, you can actually consciously lower your heart rate through exercises like this.
When you are breathing steady and physically relaxed, focus on nothing.
Confusing concept, right? You want to clear your mind of all thought, all emotion. Your goal is utter calm uninterrupted by outside thoughts. This is where the background noise can come in handy, a steady unchanging sound can help you keep a focus that you can translate to a steady, unchanging mind. Closing your eyes can definitely help, the fewer senses you're using the better.
Whats the point of all this?
You might have heard the term "go to your happy place" before. What that term comes from is a mental exercise that involves creating a mental picture of somewhere you feel at peace, and then falling back into that picture when your emotions run high. Instead of focusing on anger and what makes you angry, you focus on positive feelings by focusing on something completely unrelated to what's going on.
I find the "happy place" method less effective, because it doesn't get rid of emotion, it just redirects it. When I'm angry, I try to take a second and go back to that meditative place, after doing it for a while you can almost feel that place in the back of your head, waiting for you. You can sink into it for a few seconds to clear your mind and calm yourself.
Give it a try, see what you come up with.
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This might be long, sorry.
I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 3 years now. He's really a great guy, comes from a wonderful family, works really hard in college, etc. He's probably the best guy out there. He's really perfect. I don't have anything bad at all to say about him.
Well, I've been cheating on my boyfriend for about a year or year and a half now. All the cheating has been with the same guy so I'm not like a whore or something. My boyfriend has NO idea that I've been seeing this other guy on the side.
Anyway, the problem is that I'm pregnant. I don't want to lose my boyfriend though!
Now, maybe you are asking, "Well, how do you KNOW it isn't your boyfriend's baby? Why not wait until you give birth and then have the baby paternity tested?" Well, because my boyfriend and I had decided to stay virgins until our wedding night. Yeah, in three years we haven't had any sort of sexual relationship. Yes, he thinks I'm a virgin just like him.
I REALLY love my boyfriend though! I want to marry him! I mean, I just feel like I'm totally in the wrong, but I know I'm not. If I tell him about cheating on him and stuff he's going to think I'm a whore. How can I like feel better about this? (link)
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It won't happen.
In three or four months, when he's figured it out, he will dump you. With good reason.
There is absolutely no hope of saving this or marrying him. Obviously, his principles are important to him, and obviously they are not important to you.
How can you feel better about this? You can't. What you did is a terrible betrayal of trust. A year or a year and a half? Seriously?
As soon as he finds out, he will dump you.
Here is a life lesson. You are a selfish asshole. Completely utterly selfish. The last question was "how can I feel better about this?"
Really? You want to know how to feel better about this? Here's how. You break up with him. You decide to abort the kid or give the kid up for adoption (because you are not fit to be a mother in any way, shape, or form) and you learn the lesson that what you did is inexcusable.
And you need to learn it fast. "I feel like I'm totally in the wrong, but I know I'm not"
Yes you are! There is no more "in the wrong" than you are! You are 100% at fault, everything that's happening now is your sole responsibility, because of your choices and your choices alone. It's not humanly possible to be more wrong than you are right now without having a psychopathic personality.
From here, you resolve yourself to never let yourself be that shitty of a person to anyone again. You recognize your ability to be completely self centered and how badly you can fuck up your life because of it, and you make positive changes so that you never do what you just did to anyone, ever again.
Anything less will make you a truly horrible person, and will make you continue to be a truly horrible person who ruins her own and others lives.
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Guys, please explain to me why after hooking up interest is lost so quickly. Is there a way to bring that interest back? Why after hooking up with a woman too quickly, men usually lose interest completely? What goes through your minds the next day after that quickly? This has happened to me time and time again! I hook up with a guy that I really like and who seems to like me and then he stops talking to me, won't answer his phone, won't reply to my emails anymore, etc. What do guys think after they hook-up with a girl that makes them not want to see/talk to her again? It makes me feel like trash. (link)
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Hmm. How to explain this.
Usually, what ends up happening is sex is basically handed to the on a silver platter. They are single, horny, and don't have a particular reason to say no.
There never was an interest in those cases to begin with. But when a girl comes onto a guy, judgment lapses meant that it's allowed to happen. Even if they're stupid enough to try to "be clear that it was just sex" they generally should know that that probably wasn't the case.
Hooking up is not something you do to generate interest, and it's not something you do if you want more than just the physical with someone. Doesn't matter if you're fucking them or just making out randomly at a party (since I know it's now an adopted term and used for any casual physical interactions, not just casual sex) if you're doing something like that it's intended to be casual.
The flirting game is about more than just generating interest. It's part of an evaluation process where people figure out if they want to be interested in each other.
I know that it "seems" like guys want to hook up (and, well, yes we often do) but that doesn't mean that it's the best way to get with one of us. When you involve the physical too early, unless the guy is already definitely interested in more, he isn't going to pursue it. Even then, if you start a relationship based on sex it's almost always doomed to failure. Very few people have the maturity to start a relationship with others when sex is immediately involved, even as adults.
You're assuming that you did something wrong to make them not be interested, the fact is that they more than likely never were in the first place. Whatever signs you're reading into "they like me" is actually just physical attraction.
Your criteria is shallow, and so are there's. When two shallow people interact, the interactions themselves are shallow. That's the essence of hooking up, the person you're with is just a placeholder. You don't give a shit who they are as long as you can find them attractive in the moment and can get laid or whatever it is you're doing with them. Its shallow because the conditions are easily satisfied, all that has to exist is mutual physical attraction and the ability to tolerate each other for very short periods of time.
You want more? Go deeper. Actually go through the dating process, make a guy prove that he wants more than sex before you provide it. The sad fact is that at your age (under 20, probably still in high school) most guys aren't mature enough to do more than they have to to get what they want. If your standards are high, you weed out a lot of the worthless ones simply because you're too much trouble.
And before their early 20s, a lot of guys fit that category. Some of them will grow up eventually, a lot of them won't. Sad fact of life. But if you don't change the behavior and start acting like you want more than sex, you won't find guys who are willing to give you more than that.
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this may actually come off as a rant but here it goes.
im almost 19 now and ive only had 1 real gf. but she was only concerned about sex so i had to break it off with her because of that. then one girl just wanted to come down and kiss me and try to fool around with me. so ive never really had a gf thats actually cared for me other than a way to get what they want. ive always been the out cast in school so ive had to form this hardened exterior appearance that shows that im not to be made fun of. due to this and the long history of being ostracized i have problems opening up[. the only thing that seems to happen is that i get hurt. due to all of the problems i have, such as being fat and never being able to find someone that is willing to be with me for me i have had many close calls with suicide, it is a cheap way out but it seemed at the time the only way that i could find to think of a clear way to end the pain i was feeling. my bother seems to be the only one of us to have no problems finding someone who wants him. due to societys stress on physical appearance i cant seem to find a way to be happy. i have long hair, fat, im very self expressive, and do nothing but play video games. im not to good with words when it comes to the point in which i need to use them. there was one girl that i feel in love with at first sight. i asked her out and was shut down. so now im holed up again inside, does anyone now how i could possibly get out of this rut and find some kind of companion that would actually like me for me? (link)
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I could write a dissertation to answer your question.
But, the cold hard fact is that you have absolutely nothing to offer the opposite sex. Personality doesn't count for shit when you're unattractive and do nothing but play video games.
I doubt you really have much of a personality. No offense, but if your world is being fat and video games and self pity, what is there for anyone else to want to get to know?
So, as you are now, you won't find anyone who meets any standards of normal, attractive, and semi sane who also wants you.
Get new hobbies. Lose weight. Cut your hair. Develop interests and goals and create some actual success at something in your life that others can understand, relate to, and admire.
If you want people to be interested in you, you must be a person worth being interested in. At this point, you are not. My answer is testament to that, I usually give out multi page essays and instead you're getting a few measly paragraphs.
It's because, at this point, you're doing nothing but wallowing in self pity. You aren't sitting here asking how to fix your life, you're asking how to find a way to be satisfied with who and what you are, how to find someone who will be satisfied with it too.
No one will be. You're not worth the investment. It's not a permanent condition unless you make it so, but if you make it so it won't ever go away.
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The next doomsday is December 21st, 2012, in 3 years, and I know it's stupid, but I'm REALLY freaked out because there's lots of proof. All I do is worry now! ( Stuff at http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/2012-roland-emmerich.html)
Can anyone help me? (link)
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Should you really be worrying about this when you yourself referred to it as "the next doomsday"
Next?
Seriously? You're worried about yet another end of the world? You think it's going to happen when all the other one's haven't happened so far?
An interesting fact. The Mayans have not given a single other prediction about anything that anyone has treated as a revelation. Not even that there have been wrong predictions, they just didn't make any. No one knows why the Mayan calendar ends on 2012, but based on the complete lack of any other prophesies about anything in the culture we've been able to preserve and rediscover, we can pretty well assume that they weren't making one with that either.
The proof is alarmist manufactured bullshit, but I guess people need something to believe in.
For Christs sake, half the websites mention shit like Atlantis.
No guys, modern science has allowed us to map the entire ocean floor, we've explored the Mariana trench, the deepest area on earth. There are no sunken continents anywhere, unless you want to say that the earth just opened up and ate them.
God knows when the actual end of the world will come. That's the only true statement on the subject, because if God exists then he knows, and if God doesn't exist then no one knows.
Maybe we'll notice a catastrophic event someday. A predicted solar prominence that sets our atmosphere on fire, a comet the size of Texas that has to be blown up by a team of oil drillers led by Detective John McLane, something like that. But that would be something we'd learn through science, not something that some ancient myth peddler predicted and came true hundreds of years later.
The sole exceptions to that are the biblical apocalypse and nuclear holocaust. If we do end up wiped out by some astronomical phenomenon, it won't be something that anyone in the past could have predicted. Its only in the last 50-60 years that we've had the technology to actually get a close look at anything further out than the moon. We might see something coming now, they definitely couldn't back in the ye olde days of Tribes and Kingdoms and such.
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16/f, boyfriend is 17/m.
he's in this backyard wrestling federation, and i'll admit, he is VERY good at what he does. we live in Indiana, and he's been to Illinois, Ohio, Michigan, Tennessee, and Wisconsin to wrestle. in a week he's going to Pittsburgh to be in some other federation's show.
all things aside, he likes himself more than he likes me. his ego is..huge. he's cocky, yet confident, he's good at everything he does, and he knows it. i know he likes me, a lot a lot, but i don't like the fact that he puts himself before me. we've been together for almost two months, and it just hit me a few days ago. we were in his room, getting ready to go out on a date. i was looking in the mirror to see if i looked okay, and he said "Daaayum". thinking he was talking about me, i laughed and said "you like?". i turned around to see himself admiring his arms, not me.
i don't know what to do. do i fall into his shadow and appreciate that he's even with me, or what?
please help/ (link)
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There is no person so wonderful that you should just appreciate that he is with you. No one.
Because it doesn't sound like he's "with" anyone but himself. That's a ridiculous gas bag of an ego there.
Narcissism is a severe flaw. Everyone has their issues, self love is just his specific issue.
Here's the thing. Do you know how guys mature out of this phase and stop themselves? They get rejected because of it.
Is it possible he'll be able to turn the heads of fifty girls if you walked away, and get another girlfriend the next day? Sure. Is she going to be any happier than you are now? Probably not.
Self love to the level that he displays should be a deal-breaker. Everyone looks at themselves in a mirror, but he's got attention seeking behavior. He wants to be admired for the amazing person he's so sure he is.
Thing is, he's 17. And he's an idiot. In a few years no one will give a shit that he can wrestle. Maybe he'll go a little nuts and join UFC or something to prove his continued manhood. But other than the ability to get stupid women with low standards to sleep with him, his "wow" factor will disappear in less than three years.
When he thinks he's amazing and everyone else around him finds it too annoying to be around him and his room filling ego, he's going to get very bitter. Whoever he is dating will become the sole focus of his need for validation, and if she pushes for equality in the relationship it will result in a nuclear holocaust of emotional drama unlike anything you've ever seen.
Because he won't want to let go of the only person willing to feed his denial, but he won't want to let her act like a normal person who doesn't worship him. Get set for emotional manipulation.
This is almost formulaic. If you stay with him, you will validate his bullshit. He will not change, and you will slowly build yourself a storehouse of resentment that will make both of you miserable and destroy the relationship.
If you leave him, best case is he grows up. Worst case is that someone who is not you gets to deal with the dramabomb.
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I'm a 15 year old, pansexual, girl. I told one of my friends that i think this girl is absolutely gorgeous and seems sweet, i don't really know her but i wanted to get to know her. so my friend messaged the girl her telling her that i think she's gorgeous, she answered back, "this valid", and my friend never answered back cause she's never online and i tried calling and texting her but she's grounded, so my friend can't respond back to her reply. My friend sent that message a DAY before she got taken by this guy. I really, really wanted to get to know her, but it's to late and i feel like a fool. what am i supposed to do now? (link)
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You are not a pansexual. You're a 15 year old girl who's trying on labels because it projects an aura of confidence that she obviously (from her question) does not have.
You aren't supposed to do anything. She's dating a guy, she's probably not going to be impressed by your "pansexual" declaration, and you really should just move on and forget about it.
:Edit:
If you really think you're a pansexual, go have an orgy with two transvestites, a transexual, a furry, a 40 year old acid addled hippie, and then come back and tell me that you did.
You either aren't a pansexual, or I'll get to laugh at you for having sex with a 40 year old unshowered hippie and a furry to prove a point.
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hey im 16 and im a male, girls.....this one is for you, is a guy being to nice to you a good thing or a bad thing, nice to a point where hes a real gentleman, opening doors for you, wlaking you to the door step, paying for your ticket and maybe sometimes dinner, depends on the occasion, is that a turn on or turn off about a guy, i thought it was a turn on??? (link)
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Oi Christ.
Hello, Mr. Nice guy. Pay attention, I'll try not to ramble.
Rule 1 of dating. Girls are attracted to who you are, not what you do for them.
The cardinal rule, which you are violating. Attraction is an organic process. It cannot be manufactured or created. It happens when people exhibit qualities that others like.
What does this have to do with you?
When you walk up to a girl and do something for her, hoping for an attractive response, it's creepy. Young girls won't be as wise to this, by the time you hit 20 these tactics will have women running for the fire exits.
Why is this creepy?
First, it's forward. Its true some people are naturally helpful. But often times help comes with strings. It's a truism we teach our kids before they hit 10. It's natural to look for them.
When you push help at a girl, she notices. If you like her, she might well notice that too. Now, if you haven't known her an hour and she knows you like her, she's more than likely not going to like you. It puts pressure on her, because she has to figure out how she feels about you and establish the boundaries of the relationship quickly. If there's no immediate chemistry, she's going to put you in the friend zone.
Next, the helping itself.
How to explain this...
Treating a girl like a queen is a terrible idea. You treat a girl like she's a prize to be won, not a person that you want to get to know, and who you want to get to know you. The helping is fake. It's not who you really are 100% of the time, it's just the person you try to be when you're with a girl.
Being nice and gentlemanly in itself isn't a bad thing, but its not supposed to be your strategy for getting a girl to like you. It's just your habits and reflexes.
Now we get back to attraction.
A girl wants to know that you are attracted to her. Not to some built up ideal picture you have in your head. Treating a girl like a queen gives the "pedestal" impression. Your approach gives the same impression, you aren't sitting here saying "I know this girl and I really like her, she's awesome"
You're saying "Girls in general, I do this and it doesn't work, why?" Girls want to feel like you are interested in specifically them. They don't react well to the feeling that you just want "A girlfriend". It makes them feel like a piece of meat, if any girl will do why should she expect to be special to you? And how valuable is it to be special to a guy who will take any girl who wants to let him?
So what do you do?
First, you stop playing up the gentleman crap. Holding doors is fine. If a girl wants to go dutch, let her. Walking to the doorstep isn't something you do "because its gentlemanly". You do it because you want those few extra seconds.
Second, you work on your body language awareness. Eye contact shows interest and attention. Smiles give positive feedback. This goes for you and her. There's a shit ton more to body language. If you pay attention to a girl, and to people in general you start to notice things people do that give away their state of mind. You notice tone of voice and the subtle changes that betray excitement, anger, boredom, sadness, etc. I could write a book.
I can't possibly explain it all here, so I'll just say pay a lot of attention. The more you learn, the better you are.
To give you an idea, the last time I was in the "dating" process, I was on a first date with a girl and knew about thirty minutes in that she wanted to kiss me. Knew, with absolute certainty.
It was in her eye contact, when she'd glance down at my lips and then back up to my eyes the way a guy might check out a girls cleavage when he thinks he can get away with it. It was in her hand movements as she lightly played with a few strands of hair. It was on her lips when she bit them slightly while looking into my eyes without talking for a few seconds.
Seriously, if nothing else, start watching eyes when you talk to people. Once you get used to it, making eye contact with people actually makes you feel more confident. People who are shy or nervous naturally evade eye contact, people who look you in the eye and have no problem with it project a lot of confidence outwards with a single gesture.
And it's fucking fun. Seriously. Eyes tell you a retardedly large amount of whats on a person's mind. You can tell if she's looking at you, or at her watch while you're talking to her. You can see her check you out (girls do it too). It gives you a ton of confidence with a girl if you know enough to be able to read her. It's a great feeling to know exactly how you're going over.
Third, being nervous and pent up kills you. Stop thinking about if she likes you, stop wondering what she thought of that comment you aren't sure she noticed. If you need to occupy your mind on a date, think about something you talked about, or think about something you want to talk about.
When you're nervous, you are generic. You don't act out, you don't show your idiosyncrasies. You're just a copy of every other generic person out there. Its because you're not letting yourself be yourself.
Fourth, Conversation is the key to a woman's heart. Ask her about herself. If she smiles and seems perky when talking about a subject, ask her more about it. Always make sure you talk about her as much as you talk about you, if you tell a story end it with a question inviting her to tell one too.
And try to ask open ended questions. If she can say "yes" or "no" then she might well say just that. Conversations don't work like that.
Fifth, compliments are your friend. Pay attention to a girl. If she seems a little more put together than usual, tell her she looks great today. Find little things and let her know things about her impress you.
The trick here, is to either compliment something she specifically put effort into, or to be completely honest. Let's face it, you're a guy. So am I. Let's say my girlfriend gets a pedicure three days ago, I would not care less. Her toes are of little concern to me so long as they aren't in need of medical intervention or something. But she's excited and girly, so I tell her that her toes look nice.
She knows I don't care, but she appreciates the effort and attention.
In other things, I'm honest. These are easier once you've gotten a good response (like she said yes to a date). Compliments to hair and eyes are tricky, if she giggles you've got to be prepared to goof it off. I tell her she's brilliant when she makes me laugh, I tell her she's sexy when she dresses up for me, complimenting is really just the art of saying what you already think about her at the right times.
Lastly, self control and confidence are attractive. The reason "the asshole always gets the girl" is because girls like confidence and assholes have plenty of it (however unjustified).
Self control amounts to not telling her you love her in two weeks. Yes, you think she's awesome, you're stoked she's gracing you with her presence. She doesn't need you to give her a five minute speech or ten e-mails and texts telling her so.
Instead of sending her "God you're awesome, I can't wait to see you tonight" you can just drop a nice little "Thinking of you."
It's all a matter of pushing yourself in someone's face. It's all fine once you're both falling head over heels, but you've got to give her time to figure it out for herself. You crowd a girl, she goes somewhere else where she doesn't feel pressured to make a decision.
Confidence means you need to have a life other people can be interested in. My confidence comes from stories. I've got hundreds of them, I'm a talented storyteller and I can crack up just about any audience.
I have these stories because I got out and lived. And I expanded my friends circle. If you don't have a girlfriend, don't look for one. Go make friends. The more friends you have, the more people you can possibly get to know. Every friend you have knows people you do not who you might then be introduced to. Thus, the opportunities for meeting girls (who are friends with your friends, thus girls you probably share interests and such with) grow exponentially.
Confidence comes with experience. It's not about being confident in your dating skills (though that too comes with experience) it's about being confident in yourself. It's about liking yourself, enjoying being who you are, and being out and about enough that people can see that about you.
People who go out and have fun are attractive. Go have some fun, and when you see a cute girl in the vicinity see if she wants to join in.
::Edit::
Final Final note (Sorry again for how effing long this turned out)
Holding yourself back is bad for one final reason. When you're all nice and everything, a girl might not like you, but might not have a reason to respond badly to you. She might even feel a little sorry for you.
When you don't start acting gentlemanly until AFTER she reacts well to you, you give her the ability to not give a shit how you feel. If you do something wrong, she's more likely to kick you back. Stronger reactions are easier to notice, and come up more quickly. Its a lot easier to figure out what actually went wrong in these cases, than when a girl is just nice to you and shows no interest in taking things further than casual acquaintance or "just friends".
Ever heard the saying, you learn more from a failure than a success? If you ever get the nerve, ask a girl why she rejected you. Tell her its nothing personal, you don't want to start a fight, you just want to know where you screwed up so you can work on it. If she tells you, thank her and walk away.
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Hey, I'm Hayley, and my boyfriend is 19. I was just wondering if there was any laws against the age of dating? I know they're laws against sex, but we haven't had sex and he hasn't forced me to do anything sexual at all. As a matter of fact, I don't even want to have sex until I'm married and ready.
I'm actually 13, and I've been called a whore for dating him. The names won't change how I feel about him, but some people just don't know how to shut up. Is our relationship, illegal? Can he be charged? Should we break up so he doesn't get in trouble? (link)
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Convictions depend a lot on the area, the jury, and the evidence, but a DA could justify charging him for as little as a kiss on the mouth.
I'm not going to judge you. But I will warn you that this puts him in real danger. If you and he continue dating and it turns into a decent little relationship, the temptation is going to be overpowering. And it wouldn't take too much in the way of bad judgment to fuck his life up very, very badly.
It sounds like he cares about you, but that says a lot about him. You seem mature for your age. The phrase "mature for your age" has been used by kids for generations to justify themselves when going out of their depth.
A normal 19 year old should not be able to date a 13 year old. The most mature 13 year old on the planet is not in any way capable of being enough for a normal, relatively mature 19 year old. The only way for you two to work is for him to be immature in order to make up the gap.
That's not great. Hopefully, he grows up. But there are always chances that he won't. Things get ugly when a girl matures past her boyfriend. When you've been looking up to him for a couple of years, and then suddenly realize you've grown up and he hasn't, that loss in respect will be absolutely devastating to the relationship.
One last thing.
Six years isn't a huge gap later on in life. Not at all. My parents have a seven year gap between them. Just because a relationship is too dangerous to pursue now doesn't mean you can't later. In a few more years, you'll be better equipped to handle something like this, and if you still want to date him that option doesn't have to disappear.
I've known people who dated, broke up, and got back together a few years later. They weren't mature enough to handle something as serious as they had when they first met. Years later, they were. They'd both learned from failures and grown as people. They're married now.
Don't put him in danger. It would be selfish of you, and stupid of him. Ignore what people call you. It's not their business, and you aren't, as far as I can tell, doing this for the wrong reasons. You just can't take chances, this isn't detentions and grounding.
This is the sex offender registry. In Florida there are sex offenders that have to live under a bridge, because everything else in the city is too close to somewhere kids congregate for them to legally reside in.
This kid doesn't deserve that, but the justice system doesn't work much on deserve. Don't chance it.
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I've been with my boyfriend for about seven months but we were close friends before that. Our relationship has never been plain sailing and we have had countless problems and arguments, even briefly splitting up once or twice. Recently it's just got to the point where we're barely together. We rarely see each other, when we speak on the phone we just argue. Neither of us know what we want, we've said 'I love you' to each other but I don't feel like that anymore.
I keep thinking about my ex and how happy I was with him, we split up over a year ago but I know I'm just thinking like that because I'm not happy with my current boyfriend.
I know it sounds obvious that we should just split up, but everytime I try and do it something stops me. I've been diagnosed with Depression and I'm scared of being alone, as my boyfriend is my rock. As I said, we were very good friends before and confided in each other alot. I know it would be selfish to expect him to stay friends with me if I were to break up with him. I know he cares about and loves me and I don't want to hurt him.
I don't know what to do. I feel so selfish for not making a decision but I just can't bring myself to do it. We've tried going on breaks and things still aren't working. What should I do? (link)
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There is always something left to say, it's up to you to find it.
Sigh.
Find something to say or end it. You're at the point where you both need to decide. Not figure it out, decide. Do you want to make this work?
If so, sit down and start a new conversation. "We want to be together, how do we stop jumping all over each other?"
Lastly, a tip and truth of relationships. Confession, apology, and forgiveness are the tools friends use to break down barriers. Same goes for those dating each other.
If you want to make this work, go up to him and lay it out on the table. "I love you, I'm sick of fighting with you, I want to be with you, can we just sit down with each other and promise not to let ourselves yell?"
The only thing you have to do is not stop talking. If you have nothing else to say, the relationship is over. But as stated, there's always something else to say. Having no words is a choice in and of itself, because they will always be there if you look for them.
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Warning! I'm an awful speller.
I took my last final as a junior in highschool yesterday. My boyfriend, of almost a year, takes his last final as a senior June 4th. In mid-august he ships out for the navy.
Being 17 year old girl, and lacking in the category of life experiences, I believe myself to be as deeply in love as I possibly can be at this stage in my life. Paul is no where close to perfect, but he's perfect for me. He pisses me off by working to much, disappoints me by missing my performances due to work etc. etc....but the fact that he can make me so intensly mad and I can still feel love for him unconditionally only shows me how much I truely do care for him. I've never even yelled at him, because the stupid stuff he does doesn't matter in the long run.
Heres the whole point of this, him leaving for the navy others me mainly for three different reasons:
A) He didn't ask me first. He just registered. I would never stand in his way, but the fact that he didn't even ask my opinion...it hurt. It really hurt. He's the one always saying he wants to be with me for as long as he possibly can be. I didn't force those words out of him. How can you say that, and then make a life altering decision without consulting the other person its going to effect?
B) He'll be gone for up to 8 months at a time, and we'll be able to communicate maybe monce a week. I love him anto d I want to make this work. But is one email or phone call a week enough to fuel a relationship?
C) During the next four years so much could happen to our country, what if he actually had to go to battle? I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him.
Any words of advice?
(link)
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Ok. I'm going to do the specifics first. Then... well whatever happens, happens. Its 12:01 AM, I should be asleep. Adjust expectations accordingly.
a) Talk to him before you blow up. Guys can sometimes be oblivious. Most... no, not most, some guys don't intuitively get that part of being in a serious relationship is giving your partner input on important life altering events and decisions.
It doesn't mean he'll have a problem with it. He might well just not have thought to say anything, and talking will add that to his radar.
If he does, in blunt terms, you might want to rethink this.
I've kind of got a question. Do you guys talk about what you both want openly? I don't know, I can almost picture you thinking about forever and him thinking about dinner.
You need to make sure you're still working on common interests.
Also, I keep re-reading this...
You just might still be in the honeymoon phase.
It is physically, mentally, temporally impossible to like someone every second of every day for an unending length of time. It is not possible.
Anyway, the point here, is that if you've never yelled at him, your relationship hasn't been tested yet. The new shine is still there somehow, it's not till that luster clears that you can see if there's something deep underneath it.
I cannot judge if this relationship worth investing in. Not from what I've seen here. If you'd like to amend your question or send a feedback with a response (or another question. You know, whatever.) go ahead.
I don't doubt that you love him, but you don't love him all inclusive because you're still glossing over the sticky bits. At this stage in the relationship, I can't tell you that at 17 you should tie yourself to a guy in the Navy.
And he's 18? He will cheat. Navy Ships have a shore date. That is the date when sailors are no longer allowed to have sex with women during shore leave so that they have enough time for penicillin to get the bugs out before they get home to the wives.
Part of me wishes I were joking about that (the other thinks it's fucking hilarious. I'm a pig, sorry)
It's not meant to be. And I promise, you will have plenty of opportunities in the future. You've got very grounded ideas about relationships, you'll find your way into something of your liking in the future.
I apologize for the random slightly rambling way I arrived at my reply (Its 12:33 now), but I think I got there alright in the end.
You're young. I know that sounds trite. Its not some far off objective idea, it's your life and your relationships. It hurts. But you will survive it, you'll be ok, and you'll love again.
This kinda applies,
"This is a great thing for you. You went from sittin on the sidelines to gettin in the game. Sometimes, when you least expect it, you realize that someone loved you. And that means someone can love you again. And that'll make you smile."
Knowing all that, to me, is a comfort. Helps you appreciate the good times and stand the bad.
Oh. Final Note.
You have some good instincts. "I would never stand in his way, but the fact that he didn't ask my opinion hurts" is not something I would expect from a 17 year old.
You want a specific kind of relationship. I most commonly use "partners". A lover and a friend, someone whom you tell everything, trust implicitly, etc etc.
You need to look for guys who want the same. It's not a desire you can put into a person, it's there or it isn't.
The only exception, is age. It requires a lot of maturity for guys to hit the point where they're looking for that too. It's entirely possible that guys your age aren't going to really provide you with what you're looking for.
Be careful with older. The usual warnings about that apply, and for God's sake don't fall for anyone over 25 until you can legally buy a drink.
If you just don't find anyone, don't be discouraged. It can take a while to find the right one. Takes sifting. You come across as intelligent, self aware, and emotionally stable. Go out, have a life, be yourself, and people will come knocking.
Again, sorry for long and rambling, its 12:41, enough of your questions devil woman!
Yawn, time for some sleep.
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hi. 17/m.
whenever i get close to a girl..i always enter the "friend zone". And once i enter said zone..i cant leave. So basically, there's this girl that i like. We recently have been getting close, and i asked her out...she said "i dont want to ruin our friendship...." etc etc, and that maybe one day there may be something ( i told her it was a dare after she said no..so it wouldnt be awkward later on).
The next day, i see her and her two friends, and she walks away. When her friends see me..they just look at me...i asked the girl i like, why she was looking..she said, "nothing...dont worry...it was good..."
i think she's got here eye on another guy, but what my question iss...is...is she brushing be off politely, or does she actually think that there may be something oneday. how do i know? like body signals, etc. thanks. (link)
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Most people automatically assign a low value to anything that comes too easily. This goes triple for dating.
Your first mistake is getting close to a girl. Sexual attraction has to come first, flirting has to come first. If you don't take your balls out for a walk and try to get a date, you won't. It's that simple.
Too many guys do the "feel a girl out" because they don't want to fuck something up.
If you like her, you can't be her friend. I'm sorry, but no. If you haven't figured that out, stop being friends with women you want to fuck. It will always turn out bad and train you in the wrong habits.
The guys who get girls are the guys who seem interested in more than friendship from the get go. It's a part of our personality. And I can tell you from personal experience, no one is born this way. Every single bit of it is learned behavior.
You are exactly where you think you are. The friend zone. I couldn't tell if you're getting the brush off, but you definitely aren't getting encouragement.
I want you to re-read the last semi-paragraph of your post. No, go ahead. I'll wait.
"Or does she actually think that there may be something oneday?"
Ok. For once, you've given us enough information to answer a question like this. That's good, with most people there's no way to know.
No, she isn't thinking about you, at all probably. She probably spends less than a minute thinking about you for every 24 hours you spend thinking about her.
How do you know doesn't matter. How do you know isn't going to help you one single bit, because what you're doing is asking us to take your absolutely terrible approach at dating and make you somehow better at it.
Instead of reading her signals, send a few of your own. Talk to her. Ask her questions. Tease her if the opportunity arises and its something she can laugh at too. Compliment the way she looks.
If you crash and burn, try to figure out what went wrong, and do something different the next time.
If you find yourself crashing and burning every time, ask why. The answer is going to suck, I promise. But if you get an answer you can work with, then you might be able to fix what you're fucking up more quickly.
But more than anything, stop finding any girl, falling for her, and then trying to date her. In all seriousness, women are people too, and there are some of them I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. It's not some magical gift to be in a relationship, it's just two people who are secure enough to admit that they want each other.
If you aren't secure enough to admit that you want a girl, then she isn't going to care about what you want. Similarly, if you can't express like without being creepy, she won't be interested.
Its like walking on a tightrope the size of a freeway. If you fall off, you're screwed, but it's really not that hard to fall off as long as you can find the damn freeway in the first place.
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I am going to do my very best not to make this teen angst about a crush.
I'm a senior in high school, and my question is about a girl I am interested in. (Guess I already failed, right?)The thing is, I've always been the type of guy to be friends with girls as much as guys, and this one is no exception. But she has a pretty big crush on another guy in our group, even though he has made it clear that he is not interested in her. What I've noticed is that the more time she spends away from him, the more interested in me she gets. But when she does spend time with him, she then talks to me about him, albeit not excessively. And they spend tons of time together.
So what I want to know is, am I irreparably in the friend zone, or can I get out? And how? (link)
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Couldn't tell you, honestly. Without seeing the two of you around each other its hard to tell if you're in the friend zone.
Fortunately, it's easy to find out.
First, start flirting innocently. Compliment her looks on a somewhat regular basis in an open and yet joking manner.
Smile at her a bit more (consciously) and make sure you make plenty of eye contact while talking. All of these things translate to interest. If it looks like she put extra effort into something (hair, makeup, clothes, etc) try to notice and say something about it.
This starts sending the signals of "He notices that I'm a girl"
Second, make her laugh. Laughter is THE easiest way to get a girl to like you. If you can crack her up it sets her at ease. I've got a truckload and a half of personal stories and jokes I've picked up that are guaranteed to get positive responses. You don't have to be a stand up comic, you just have to be able to tell a joke or a good story without muffing it halfway through or losing your train of thought.
Third, try to shy away from your friend as a topic. In my experience, the absolute best way to get a girl to stop talking about another guy is to get her talking about herself. If she says anything about him, try to turn the conversation back at her, which can then turn onto other subjects if you like.
Fourth, Tease. Teasing is a great way to pull off the humor. Keep it small and innocuous, but if you see her do something goofy, laugh at her about it. You probably already do this to a degree, but teasing brings comfort and the opportunity for chemistry. Plus, it opens up the touch barrier. Pokes, tickles, wrestling, hitting, are all good things.
Hugs aren't. Hugs are too comfy. Shy away from hugging and stick to things that don't automatically denote you as "Friend". Serious signs of "brotherly" affection should be avoided. I knew a guy who got in the habit of kissing girls on the cheeks and forehead. He'd brag about it like it was some kind of accomplishment, and was quickly met with responses like "ok, so you kiss her forehead, and I make out with her, maybe sleep with her. Who comes off better in that scenario?"
Lastly, man up and ask her out. Give it a week or so of the above before you make the jump, but make the jump soon. Ask her out in a way that gives her a time-frame to work with. Like, "I'm not doing anything this weekend, and I'd like to take you out to a movie, when might you have some free time?"
When you ask, make it a confident assertion. "I would like to take you out somewhere" Finishing it off with "When do you have some free time?" gives the impression that you assume her answer will be yes, and asks her a question that "no" is not an immediately available answer.
If she says the weekend you picked isn't good, follow up with a yes or no question. "Well,can I take you out somewhere some other time?"
This gives you a strong opening question with a followup that allows her to back out gracefully.
The trick here is that you don't approach this like you're asking her permission to date her. That almost always gives the wrong impression. You want her to know you'd like to take her out, and nothing more. That's the real trick. Women like mystery, and if they know you like them, often it takes the "pursuit" out of dating for her, and lessens the excitement. You want to show interest without saying you're interested.
You've probably got a good shot, but you also could get an "eww" response. Even that isn't necessarily fatal, but recovery from it is incredibly tricky and situational, I can't give you advice on that one. I've rolled a few girls over from the friend zone back into dating territory before, but its always hard, finicky, and there's never any guarantee of even the slightest change. You've just got to be fast on your feet and know them well enough to know what their body language and tone mean.
But it's still possible. I sat a girl down who told me I was like her brother and she could never date me and asked her why I was like her brother. She told me she knew me so well that something like kissing would just feel weird. I challenged her on it and asked for a single genuine kiss.
Needless to say, she liked it a lot more than she thought she did. But I knew her well enough to know she'd say yes to the suggestion, and honestly I know how to kiss for effect, so I was able to get that part right.
The real trick here is observation and learning. If you like a girl, pay attention. Figure her out, figure out what her facial expressions and tone mean, figure out what she likes, what she thinks. Ask her about herself and encourage her answers. Follow the above, and if she has any level of latent sexual interest in you you've got a pretty damn good shot, I'd think.
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Hi there. I'm an 18/M.
I have a big self esteem problem when it comes to girls. Normally, I am a really confident guy. Not scared to meet new people or speak to large crowds. But I have this problem when it comes to girls. See, when I meet a girl I like, instead of asking her out like a normal person would, I quickly idealize her in my mind to the point where I have convinced myself that she is way too amazing to ever want to talk to me. Then, because I have made her out to be so perfect, flawless, I stay in love with her for a year, or more, until I have completely destroyed my friendship and my chances with the girl. This problem has followed me through 13 years of school.
Now, I'm a Senior. Never had a girlfriend, and I'm doing it again with this amazing girl. How do I fix myself? (link)
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Oi Christ.
Fair Warning, this is long as hell.
First off, you need to stop trying to get anyone to go out with you. In the simplest terms, you don't know how to relate to girls as just people when you like them.
For the next three months, all girls are just another guy, or are asexual. Whichever you prefer. If you find yourself acting differently around them still, focus on exactly what you're doing and force yourself to stop it.
Women are people too, and they want to feel like people. If you treat a girl like some kind of prize, an unobtainable goal, etc they will run from you left and right. It makes them feel like you don't know anything about them, and like they are inadequate because you want some super ridiculously amazing standard that they don't feel they meet.
The thing that sucks is this approach can and will destroy your confidence. It sounds like you're already having issues feeling like this is unobtainable.
Its not. Far from it.
Alright. I'm going to give you some guidelines.
- When you like a girl, try to talk to her regularly. Don't find her every day, but make it a point to find her every few days. Repeat, DO NOT talk to her every day unless its part of a larger group that you always hang out with anyway.
- Make eye contact. If you're never looking at someone, you have no interest in them. If a girl looks at you and you're never looking at her, she's going to assume you aren't interested. If a girl looks at you and sees you looking, but you quickly look away, that's creepy. If you broadcast that you're embarrassed or ashamed of looking at them, they assume you have a reason and it generates an unconscious creepy vibe.
Instead, if someone meets your eyes give them either a small nod or a small quick smile, and find something else to look at.
It expresses confidence. Practice this as you walk around school. Look around, when someone meets your eyes smile slightly and nod at them. Hell, you might make a few new friends just with this, its a very good way to make strangers more comfy around you.
When you know you want to ask a girl out, start a conversation and do so. Talk with her long enough to break the ice, and then if you have to just throw it out there.
- Asking a girl out. Find something you BOTH can be interested in. Hopefully you've talked with her enough to have a few ideas. Ask her if she'd like to go do X sometime, and tell her you're free all weekend. That gives her a deadline without giving her a time to say "Oh, no I'm busy that night"
If you get a no, just smile and say "So would you like to do something another time, or should I wait and butter you up some more?"
That is one of the few true lines I ever throw, and if delivered correctly its both cute and funny.
If the no stands, keep talking to her and hanging out with her as before, seeking her out at least every two to three days at a time when you can hang out for a decent while. Try to talk to her one on one, don't bring up dating in any form for about a week, and ask her again.
Persistence can work as long as you don't smother them. You've got to give a girl time to feel something for you, if you force it you'll snuff out any embers that might have helped you. The trick is to make sure it's on her mind without being a constant presence.
-Talking. Master the open ended question. A yes or a no question doesn't invite response half the time. Ask questions that encourage the girl to talk about herself, and remember the things she tells you. Girls like attention, and remembering what they say to you helps (remembering word for word is creepy, too detailed).
Your goal is to have her ask about you as well. Keep initial conversations focused on her a little more than you, your goal is for her to say more than you do.
-Compliments. Again, girls like attention, and noticing things is generally well received. Pay attention to what she wears, her shoes, her hair, etc. If she usually wears sneakers and comes to school in dress shoes, compliment them. If she wears nicer earrings than usual or her hair changes, compliment her.
Basically, what you want to do is to notice when she's putting more effort into her appearance. When she does this, she wants to be noticed. Noticing her and just dropping in a "oh, your hair looks nice, did you do something to it?" can work wonders.
Bonus points, she's talking about herself again, which is good for you.
-Her Cues. This is a big one. Pay attention to a girls eyes, lips, and hands when you talk to her. Everyone has unconscious body language, and girls do things when they like you.
Girls check guys out the same way guys check girls out. Her eyes might glance over you so often. This is good.
One of the most fun things to catch a girl in is when she looks at your lips. This is more likely going to happen during a date. Again, make eye contact while conversing, and watch her eyes. When she thinks you won't notice, she'll glance at your lips. That means she's thinking about them a lot at that particular moment.
If you see this, you just got an OK for a kiss before the end of the night.
Playing with hair or jewelry is very common, as is rubbing herself. Girls might rub their neck, breasts, sides, hips, legs. But if she's rubbing herself around you, you have "that effect" on her. Its usually very subtle, but at the very least if you notice that if her hands don't come into contact with the rest of her body once during a conversation, that's a bad sign, or else means she's preoccupied and isn't thinking about you at all.
-Teasing. Teasing is great. It gives you an excuse to touch her without being creepy (again, as long as you aren't overdoing things) and the ability to tease is directly related to humor. Pick small things, innocuous things. If she teases you, laugh with her and receive it well.
-The Touch Barrier. This is one of the most easily fucked up areas, because unsolicited touching can be creepy very, very easily. So most guys avoid it like the plague. The trick is to give yourself a reason. If she seems upset, ask her whats wrong and just put a comforting hand on a shoulder. If you're teasing her, poke her lightly in the arm when she teases you back. Small, innocuous things that get her used to the idea of being in physical contact.
This is another litmus test. If she starts touching you back, and seeming comfy with you touching her, that can be a very big sign of interest.
A note. Beware of hugs.
Hugs can be the death of your romantic intentions. The ONLY two exceptions to the hug rule are
a) When you two are flirting like mad and have made sexually interested comments, so sexual desire is established before emotional intimacy.
b) When she is visibly upset about something, to the point or close to crying.
Other than that, do NOT go for hugs. Don't refuse them if she comes in for a hug, but don't hug her on your own initiative until she's said yes.
Also, if she's hugging you and you know she's in a good mood, its a good chance to slip in a little guyish comment.
I have successfully thrown out "So, do I get to feel you up now?" during a hug when she was in a good mood. I knew it would be well received, doing that is always a chance, but it kept me out of the friend zone.
-Cell phones and such
Its really easy to e-smother someone these days. Too many texts or voicemails or missed calls or e-mails or any combo thereof can be bad.
No more than three missed calls in a six hour period, or three texts, without being responded to. One voicemail, and it should be on the last call. Mix and match, if you call and then text, follow up with another call a few hours later and leave a voicemail. If she doesn't get back to you, don't get back to her. Assume that she is going to call you, forget about it, and go do something else.
A key point here, you can't do anything about what she's doing, or how she's responding. Freaking out is just going to smother her.
Follow your guidelines, and if you don't hear from her that night call her the next day after lunch. If you see her in your daily routine, ask her what she was up to, drop in a comment that a call was missed, and blow the entire thing off as not a big deal.
This lets her know you want to hear from her, but if she is forgetful and that's why you didn't hear back, she won't feel chastised.
So as a final recap.
When you meet a girl and figure out you like her, it's time to cultivate. Pay attention to her, what she wears, and try to talk to her. Ask her about herself.
After a few conversations, ask her out and have a relatively free weekend schedule. If you get a yes, make plans and make sure you have each other's contact info, common sense stuff. Don't smother her in the first few weeks. Oh, and don't ask her out again until the next day after the date. Give her some time to think about it. As you leave, ask her if you can call her the next day after the date.
The last is just a bit of perspective. Everyone finds their niche in the dating world. Some people settle for smaller niches, crappier relationships, etc. but those are the people who don't step forward to take something better.
And I can tell you from experience, they're just as human and flawed as you are. In all seriousness, its not that hard to get a date once you can treat a girl like a normal person and still like her.
You've got stage fright. Get off your ass, go talk to girls as much as possible, and don't ask any of them out. Just talk to them, including this girl you like. Instead of idealizing her, pay attention to her. Learn to like what is real.
You might well get an opening in the process.
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My boyfrend thnks I'm cheating on him.
I'm not! I shall say I'm attractive and a lot of guys like me, but i only have eyes for him. I'm also friends with mostly guys and I told him that when we first started talking and he semed to understand...
but I've told him everything imaginable how I felt and how I wasn't lying. I've even asked him if he's the on cheating and he says he's not. Today, he told me he's going to find out that I am some kind of way and I said I did not care because I'm not cheating.
& I always let him go through my phone & I go through his.
soooo... Wat can I do to prove to him I'm not? I'm sick of him saying it! (link)
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He wants reassurance. Its his insecurity.
I'm going to go off the assumption that you do care for this guy a lot and want to work it out.
First thing is understanding, so we'll get back to insecurity.
Guys evaluate women. It's a fact of our mental processes, we relate relative merits of you to everyone else. In this case, your boyfriend has evaluated you as some level of "out of his league."
Because of this, he is paranoid about losing you, or about you finding another guy, and it makes him tense around you. The going through phones thing is actually good, its a mutually acceptable measure for reassurance, and the fact that you're both alright with it means that you both have an intrinsic desire to be trustable.
That's great. He sounds like a keeper, you just need to work on his insecurity.
So with understanding comes patience. When you see him being paranoid, realize that its not because he thinks you would do something to him, it's because he's so unsure of himself that he's not sure he will bring out the desire to be faithful in you.
A few things you can do.
- When he gets jealous, respond with gentle affection. A kiss on the cheek, a light rub, something purely sweet. Most guys jealousy stems from the physical, the worry you will stray sexually or want to. Remind him that sex isn't the only reason you're with him by being loving when he feels jealous.
- Encourage him to talk about how he feels without judgement. Tell him that you don't want to fight about it, and you don't want to upset either of you, but it's important to you to understand how he feels and why he feels that way.
- Verbally reinforce that you choose him. I started doing this a while back, and it pays off. Tell him that you aren't with him because you just don't happen to find anyone more attractive than he is at the moment. You're with him because you like him, his quirks and personality, and that you *choose* to be with him.
Above all, try and be transparent. Tell him about your friends, get him used to and comfy with the guys you're around. Restrain the flirty side I have no doubt that you have a bit when you can, and talk to him about what he's comfy with and what you're comfy with.
One of the most common occurrences of tension is when a girlfriend is more friendly with a guy friend than her boyfriend is comfy with. Ask him what makes him uncomfortable in that area, and tell him whats going on in your head in regards to the guys.
Also, if you're friends with a guy and wouldn't date him, don't be shy about sharing why with your boyfriend.
It makes him feel like he's important, because he knows things about your friends that your friends don't know about him. It makes him feel trusted and it gives him logical reasons why he's better than they are, thus they haven't got a shot in hell of beating him out with you.
Hopefully you won't have to make reasons up, but if they're convincing the effect is the same.
In addition to trying to show him that you're trustworthy, try to talk to him about his jealousy and accommodate him where you can. Try to be patient and remember that his insecurity and worries that he's not enough to keep you that are bringing this out in him, not anything about you.
He's got to learn what its like to trust someone. Give him someone to trust and lovingly but firmly reinforce the message.
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Its like this I really like this girl but I'm not in her class or have never talked to her so here's the pitch I get someone to tell her that I like her not to ask her out I'll do that myself but just to see if she likes me back which I think she does You know the slight glance every single day at lunch time and so on and don't worry I'm not just imagining it in my head.I'm not a fool.I was going to ask her out myself but figured why risk getting rejected and embarrassed like that for no reason when I could get someone to see if and that's a Big If she liked me in return so then i would ask her out myself.Finally here's the question what I said above an OK way to go with it and secondly I'm 17 and she's 14 just wondering if that's alright.Bear in mind I'm from Ireland which has a completely different culture from America.If she likes me and since I like her I don't care what anybody thinks. (link)
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Ok see here's what I've never understood about getting somebody else to ask if they like you.
You two obviously know each other.
You might not talk but you are obviously aware of who each other are.
You said that you wanted to avoid rejection and embarrassment but if someone tells her how you feel and she says she doesn't feel the same, how are you gonna feel? Exactly. Just because you weren't there doesn't mean that you didn't put yourself out there.
Also, something to consider. When you ask a girl out on a date you are basically saying "hey I find you interesting/attractive and want to get to know you better, do you feel the same?" So do you see how asking her if she likes you beforehand is kind of pointless?
If she doesn't agree to go out with you, then she doesn't like you. Not to mention that doing it yourself instead of getting somebody who doesn't care shows confidence and self assurance, which are both attractive qualities.
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