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the absolute worst breakup ive had in a while.
my boyfriend of 6 1/2 months broke it off today. i guess we're both the problem in the relationship somewhat, we've broken up a few times in the past. one thing wrong with me is im a very moody person. one day ill be totally fine. and then ill get depressed after awhile,..and then my boyfriend will annoy me and ill get really bitchy. he told me today he was sick of all my bullshit, and i knew he was referring to my on and off moodiness. i got pissed at him and the argument got way heated. we were screaming at eachother and i even kind of jumped on him? like i guess i was trying to hurt him or something, i dont really know what i was doing. and i made the mistake of doing that in front of his mom -.-'' so obviously, im the main point of this while breakup. i dont really know how things are going to work out for us, and if they do eventually pass and we become friends in the long run, ill be way lucky.
i just want to know how to not fuck up another relationship. im 16 and ive had 11 failed relationships. i hate dating around, and want to find one guy to spend my life with, and obviously thats not working out. how do i hide my emotions? how do i control my anger? how can i stay cool even when im a total emotional wreck on the inside?
can someone help me?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Ok.
First off, you won't find someone to spend your life with at 16.
Think back to 12. What were you like then? How did you see the world? How stupid do some of the things you thought then seem now to you at 16?
Now think about 20. Think about what you'll be like then, how stupid some of the things you think now will seem with another 4 years.
Bottom line there, you will not be the same person in 4 years. You won't be the same person 4 years after that. Change accelerates around 12-13 and slows down again in your early to mid 20s.
Similarly, any guy you date now won't be the same person in 4 years, in 8 years.
Not exactly a recipe for longevity.
The good news is, you're on the right track. Relationships haven't been working, you want to fix that.
You have an anger management problem. You should seriously consider looking into an anger management therapy group or counselor.
As to the emotional wreck part, you probably need to be single for a while.
Consider seeing a therapist, they are the best next step in figuring everything out. Anger problems are hard to deal with, but what it comes down to is will. The recognition of how bad you can be and the refusal to indulge that side of yourself.
A random trick. When I'm pissed off I try to find a way to break the thought process. Often times we cycle ourselves, you think about things that piss you off, which makes you more pissed off, which makes you think of more things that piss you off. Building towards an inevitable explosion.
If you head yourself off at the pass, you can break that cycle and regain control. It takes practice and effort and attention.
Walking out of the room can be effective. The caveat, is if you walk out of the room you need to be able to communicate what you're doing and that you are coming back. If you just walk, it can make things worse. If you can grit your teeth and say "I need to collect myself, I will be back in a minute" and then walk, you can give both of you some breathing room and return rationally.
Mental exercises are also effective. Ever heard of meditation?
Find a quiet spot where you won't be disturbed. You're going for absolute silence, if you can't get that you need a background noise that will drown everything else out (like a floor fan or something).
Sit somewhere, I prefer the floor, in the middle of your bed would work equally well.
Now, the goal here is mental relaxation. I said sit on the floor or in the middle of your bed because you want to force your mind to be what is relaxed, if you have a relaxing physical sensation to focus on (like your back resting against the couch or headboard) it can distract you from what you're doing.
Once you're situated, start with breathing exercises. Focus on slowing your breathing and deepening your breaths. You want to be breathing at the same, steady, relaxed rate. You might find that you can feel your heart beating more slowly if you concentrate, you can actually consciously lower your heart rate through exercises like this.
When you are breathing steady and physically relaxed, focus on nothing.
Confusing concept, right? You want to clear your mind of all thought, all emotion. Your goal is utter calm uninterrupted by outside thoughts. This is where the background noise can come in handy, a steady unchanging sound can help you keep a focus that you can translate to a steady, unchanging mind. Closing your eyes can definitely help, the fewer senses you're using the better.
Whats the point of all this?
You might have heard the term "go to your happy place" before. What that term comes from is a mental exercise that involves creating a mental picture of somewhere you feel at peace, and then falling back into that picture when your emotions run high. Instead of focusing on anger and what makes you angry, you focus on positive feelings by focusing on something completely unrelated to what's going on.
I find the "happy place" method less effective, because it doesn't get rid of emotion, it just redirects it. When I'm angry, I try to take a second and go back to that meditative place, after doing it for a while you can almost feel that place in the back of your head, waiting for you. You can sink into it for a few seconds to clear your mind and calm yourself.
Give it a try, see what you come up with.
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