I am an advice hound. I love to give advice, get advice, read advice columns. I love telling people what to do ; D
Truly, I have a love for people and an honest desire to see every individual excel and succeed in their personal lives, to shed themselves of as many burdens as possible and enjoy this strange and terrible and wonderful gift that is LIFE
Location: Los Angeles
Occupation: advice guru and life coach
Member Since: June 9, 2009
Answers: 900
Last Update: February 5, 2012
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I have been married for 6 years to whom I consider the best woman out there. I need to say that for the record. She is quick witted, smart, and has many abilities that could easily drop her into multiple career paths. Admittedly, she does feel indecisive. She hasn't followed up on any true career path and her indecisiveness has gotten the best of her in other ways. Our relationship throughout those 6 years have not been happy for both of us. While dating, I did catch her cheating and I realized that she had thought I was going to leave her so she was in essence seeing another guy. Things got better. But, I realized I have difficulty expressing myself with her. We have 4 kids now. The forth child was a difficult one in that I had no permanent job, no insurance and we had been using birth control. Our last child before her was a premature birth and had to undergo months of treatments to make him strong. I didn't want to go through that again. During the time of conception, I had my suspicions that she may have a posting for a companion on craiglist. After I found out she was pregnant, I thought about finances, my suspicions, and whether we could handle four children. I asked her to give the child up for adoption. I let my suspicions get the best of me and brought out the word divorce. We made up and we decided mutually to keep the fourth child. But the whole ordeal challenged our marriage and made her second guess our relationship. I made a vow to myself that I would be a more outgoing husband and I would express my emotions whole heartedly with her. I realized I have not been there for her in her times of need. Fast forward to now a year and a half later, she is on Facebook. Over the last few months She approached me to say that she doesn't think that she loves me as much as I love her. I thought of it as an innocent comment at first but, she began crying after a few confrontations. I became suspicious again.
I found she had been staying up late chatting with an old high school boyfriend in another state. I confronted her and she played it off as just chatting. I then found out it was more than that. They had secret email accounts and pre-paid phone cards and were planning on running away together. I confronted her again and she confessed that she did have feelings for him but didn't admit to planning on running off with him. She also admitted that she did have an ad on Craiglist for a lesbian partner as far back as 6 months ago. We decided to go to counseling and during our first session she said that she kind of sees me as the big brother she never had. She now says she wants to keep the family together but for the sake of the kids. This other guy has friended me on facebook and has made many compliments about looks and being a great guy as he has heard from my wife. At times, I still find her on facebook chatting with this guy. She says there is 17 years of feelings for eachother that she cannot just let go. Though I can see that through the emails I found that they both seem to be feeding off of their high school memories and he seems to be using that to play her. This guy has supposedly been cheated on by his girlfriend of six years. My wife has become a facebook friend with his girlfriend! I know Jerry Springer comes to mind huh?
I realized that my lack of being there for her, not conveying my emotions and yes my slacking with the house chores has made us drift apart to this stage. I really do want to rekindle our relationship and not have it be a marriage of convenience. I have been ramping up on the house work. I sent her flowers at work. I have been sharing my random thoughts for her throughout the day. My goal is a happy mariiage where there isn't any drama like this and to have her fall in love with me again. Throughout the whole ordeal, her mom has stopped answering my calls. She knows what happened but, doesn't want to be brought into things. She says she wants nothing to do with it. I really am looking for a woman's opinion on the situation. (link)
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You guys need to get to a counselor and fast! Before you say its too expensive, consider how expensive a divorce will be - super expensive, trust me. more than you could ever imagine. If you absolutely can't afford it, find a church or other religious institution nearby that offers counseling. Most modern churches have a marriage therapy program that is free. If you can't get your wife to agree to go, go alone. You need help sorting through everything. This is a very complicated situation. It goes deeper than your wife having feelings for another person. You have both been through a terrible ordeal and you need help sorting through the hurt and consequences. This won't fix itself. Go find help. I can't tell you how much of a difference just having a neutral third party to talk to can make. You have 4 kids; this is not something you should let go of easily, and it will take more than just being nicer to her to get out of this. She has issues she needs to sort out, and so do you.
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IT's almost 12 at night and I have school tomoro. I'm tired of my oldest sister living in our home. Her time is overdue and she runs the entire upstairs and the house, eats up the majority of our food, is greedy,selfish,and disrespectful. She has no common sense at all. I can never sleep in my room or down stairs on the couch cuz I hear the her showering since she doesn't close the door and her room door light is on as well. Our house is a ipen house, it has normal walls with openings like a window with no glass so you can hear everything. It's like arches. So I can't ever sleep. I'm only 5 feet and am 14....what do I do. My mom doesn't take it seriously yet she is always scolding me on getting to bed on time and all of that crap. Can someone help me? I want to start going to bed early but cant because of my sister. If only YOU KNEW...... (link)
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Buy some ear plugs. Seriously. They work awesome.
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Hello; I have a 30 yr old daughter and 2 grandchildren (which are my world!) living in a home on my property, which I own. I pay all utilities and living expenses and have for years. My daughter is non-medicated, diagnosed bipolar, so she can be difficult at best. My issue is that both of her children suffer from asthma and alergies and the home is older, so for those reasons I feel it would be best if she only smoke outside. I have set up 2 patio areas, one in front and one in back, and she still smokes in the house. She has put her son in the middle and told him if he tells me he won't be able to see me, which broke his heart. He told me and I couldn't believe she would put him in the middle like that, but that's her. She also sees her estranged husband quite often and he is a prescription drug abuser. She was one too for years, and they both spent 30 days in rehab. She is still clean as far as I know. But, that situation also bothers me. What can I do short of making her move and losing the constant contact of the kids, whom depend on me immensely for even their day to day needs. Also, she cannot even hold a job, so I don't know where they'd go either. Thanks for reading! (This is taking a toll on my health too...stressss) (link)
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This is a heartbreaking situation. You are only trying to care for your daughter and her kids, but it seems that your helping has come to the point that its hurting. YOu have enabled your daughter by providing for all her needs while requiring nothing in return. She knows how much you care for the kids and uses that against you, which is horribly unfair, yet it is a situation you have allowed to fester. I see you have a couple of options: 1) You can call your daughter's bluff and kick her out, telling her to provide for herself if she can't abide by the rules on the property you pay for. My suspicion is given long enough on her own, she'll change her tune. But she has to know you are not afraid to risk losing contact with the kids for a while. Once she gets that, she'll back off. But this would take a lot of courage on your part, even a friend to help hold you accountable while you go through the pain of letting her and the kids go. 2)call Child Protection Services and report your daughter. Most often the children go to the next of kin they are most familiar with and grandparents are high on that list. 3)continue to be held hostage by your abusive daughter and just try to spend as much time with the kids as possible. If I were you, I'd be booting her out and let her see what life is like without you. YOu do so much for her kids, she would be lost. She has to know what lengths you are willing to go to make sure the kids have a good life, even if it means losing contact with them for a few weeks while you administer "tough love". Also, do an internet search for support groups for families of addicts and ex-addicts. It will haelp to talk to other people who know what you are going through. Good luck to you in whatever you choose to do.
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My husband and I have been married for almost two years. We have a one year old baby boy and another baby on the way. Last night I confronted him because he seemed distant to me... he admitted that he missed being single... he said he felt guilty for feeling that way and that he wanted to be with me because he loves his family and his son... but not in so many words did he say he loved me...
I am completely at a loss. I know there are things I could do better as a mother/ wife... but I don't know what to do to rekindle what he must've lost for me. (link)
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It is totally natural for a man to feel a sense of loss after being married for a while. You have a second baby on the way and it is all becoming very real for him. He is suddenly longing for the days when he wasn't faced with so much responsibility. Think of it as growing pains. Trust me, every man goes through it. Believe him when he says he still loves you and your family. Its probably true. Missing his old life doesn't mean he hates his new one, it just means he...misses it. That's all. He's adjusting. I think it probably took my husband about 7 years to really "grow up". We had many good times and many bad times during that period, but in the end he grew into an incredible husband and father. Give him time. He will adjust. Don't be too hurt. He loves you, or he wouldn't be there. If you attend church or another religious institution, see about couple's studies or counseling. It may feel weird at first but trust me, its the best thing you can do for your family. Your relationship is the most important thing for your kids. And you would be shocked to find out just how many other couples go through the same things as you. It helps. A lot. We do counseling even when things are good, because we know good times don't last and we want the best tools to be able to push through the bad times successfully. This will pass, I promise. In the meantime keep doing what you're doing, and sit down for a good heart to heart once in a while, not just when something is bothering you. With a young child, sometimes its easy to forget to take time to really connect with your spouse. Its important, and no, it does not always come naturally. Sometimes you just have to make the time. You will get through this!
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For a very long time, my mom has been trying to live through me. But, now that I'm an adult, almost graduating from college, it's just getting out of control. She has gotten better, I cannot discredit that. But, I'm really worried. About a year ago, I got hair extensions (long story). But basically, I lost hair because I wasn't eating very well and I also bleached it which was really bad. It was fine for a while... but it's been almost two years now (about a year and a half or longer) that I've had these extensions. They are expensive and limit me from being able to wash my own hair or dry it. I can't ever leave it wet. They are very annoying. It's fine that I had them for a while. But, I think they've overextended their stay. I told my mom that I really want them off. All she says is your not ready. If that wasn't enough, she recently saw a friend of mine with fake eyelashes on. She said I HAD to go get them. The problem with the eyelashes is that they require refills (expensive refills!) Like, maybe $75 every time, which is every 2 weeks. My mom doesn't work. Her income comes from a house that she rents out, whose taxes were backed up. She always has to put herself on a payment plans for cell phones (which she is using my credit for because she lost hers). I work and I'm getting money from school because of my scholarships. So, I help her out with certain things. By the extensions and the eyelashes are getting ridiculous. Today, I have an appointment at noon, which I really needed that time to study and work out, because I have to go into work/class at night. I explain this to her... but she doesn't get it!!! Please advise me (link)
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You need to get away from your mother as soon as possible. I've seen your posts here often. Yes, you do have a huge problem. You will never be able to enjoy a normal healthy life until you find the strength to leave your mother's home and make a life for yourself. Each post you make here sounds more and more desperate. You sound like you are slowly dying. If you have a therapist, talk to him/her about this and start working on a plan together for you to be out on your own. If you don't have one, get one. Lie to your mother if you have to and tell her you need one to work on issues with school or your dad or something else. Just go. You need help. You need someone there with you to help. I wish you the best.
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I'm 21/female. My very best friend recently met her boyfriend, and brought him home to meet me and our family. It's important to note that she has been very very sick for four years; she can rarely leave the house and suffers from an incurable illness that leaves her very weak. While we are happy for her that she may be falling in love, we are VERY suspicious of her new beau. He has been rude, immature and controlling. He touches her ass and sticks his tongue in her mouth when we are in the room. We doubt his intentions and he is very disrespectful to her mother. We worry he has white knight syndrome. She doesn't see him the same way and it has caused a rift to grow between our beloved family.
She has changed so much since she started dating this man. What do I do? What does her family do? I cannot lose this girl, she is my angel. As she is so sick, we cannot simply leave her in this man's care, but if we say anything, she gets upset with us. Please, please help.
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You have no choice then, but to accept that this man is a part of you lives for now. If you've ever been in love you know that love can make you blind to the bad things about a person. It doesn't matter what other people say, you just can't hear or see it. You say your friend is very sick... perhaps she is taken with the fact that someone, anyone, is interested in her in a romantic way. Maybe she never thought she'd have a boyfriend. Just the idea that a man finds her attractive and wants to be with her may be enough to sweep her off her feet and make her do and say things she never did before. Hearing you talk ill of him may sound to her like you are saying there just isn't any way a "normal" person would ever be interested in her (of course you are NOT saying that). she's in love and everything looks rosy to her, she doesn't want to come down off that cloud right now. If this guy is really as creepy as you say, there's nothing you can do for now. You don't want to push her away, because of her illness and her importance in your life - but if you ask her to pick your feelings over her boyfriend, she's going to pick him. You sound as if you've already talked to her about your concerns. That's good. But if you've made your worries clear already, then you need to back off and let this think unfold. Decide you are not going to comment about him anymore. Try not to offer your opinion about him anymore unless she asks you directly. It will be so hard, but the point is to let her know you are there to support her, but you just can't pretend you like this guy. Its almost like she's under the influence of a drug right now. She's not herself. If and when this guy hurts her, she is going to need you more than ever and she may not feel like reaching out if she thinks she's going to get an "I told you so". Discuss the situation with her family and friends and decide how you all want to handle it, support her etc. You should all be on the same page. Agree that you will all keep your eye on him and share any strange or interesting information you find. The point is to create a safety net for her, so when (if) she does meet with disappoinment, she will have a strong support system to fall back on. I know its hard, but if you want to keep her, you'll need to swallow your pride for a while. Like I said before, she's not in her right mind. Love does that to a person.
One other thing to consider is that maybe this guy really does care for her and is just coming off creepy because he doesn't know how to act around others. Maybe he thinks all those weird things he does is showing people that he really cares for her. Only you can know, but if its possible, try to remain cautious but open to getting to know who he really is. I encourage you to spend as must time with him as you can stomach, if for no other reason than to be monitoring your friend while he's around.
She is blessed to have a caring, concerned friend like you. When you start to feel discouraged just remember that you will be in her life long after any "white knight" has come in gone. Friends like you are a rarity, and I hope you can stick it out with her. She is going to need you.
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I am afraid to tell my mom the truth about me not doing my home work I am scared. Help!!! (link)
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It may not be as bad as you think. But the longer you wait the worse her reaction will be. I can tell you that it will also be much worse if she finds out on her own. telling her yourself may help soften the blow a little for her. Summon up some courage and find her during a calm time and just tell her. Be sure to let her know that you know it was wrong and you want to do better. Us moms like to hear that kind of stuff! I know its so hard to admit when you mess up, but its those times that make us stronger and help us grow. I hope your mom will be able to see that you are growing into a mature person who is brave enough to admit when they are wrong. good luck!
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Well, I'm 14 and I'm not really sure how to go about this so please bear with me. My mom is thinking about getting an abortion. For awhile she was really sick so we went to the hospital and found out that she's pregnant with twin. I was SHOCKED but happy nonetheless. I already love those two as much as I love my little brother (he's one). I honestly thought my mom was happy too but I guess not because she dropped the bomb today that she was thinking about abortion. Now, my mom has A LOT of medical issues going on, most of which I don't even really know. However I do know that she has fibromyalgia (a type of arthiritis) and she had to have surgery on her stomach more than once :\ Both of her pregnancies (mine and my brother's) were high risk, but we came out pretty healthy (despite our asthma). She's no longer with the man that gave birth to my brother. But she's got me, and the rest of our family for emotional support. So, I guess what I'm trying to ask is: how can I get her to say no to abortion? Thanks :) (link)
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I think its really important for your mom to know how you feel about this. You must understand that you can't make her do anything, she'll have to make the decision herself. But you can tell her how you feel and that her decision will affect you and your brother also. She'll be dealing with a lot of emotional issues from an abortion and that won't be good for your family either. Write her a letter if you feel it will help you express your feelings easier. But just be honest. You seem like an excellent child and sibling and your mom is lucky to have you, and she'll be just as blessed (even though it will be hard) with her new children as well. good luck.
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ok, my mom has been totally addicted to facebook for about 2 or 3 years now. at first, she only went on a few times a day, but before i knew it, it became an addiction. she used to go on facebook on the computer, but ever since she got a blackberry, she goes on facebook on there. once my dad tried to tell her that she was becoming too addicted and that she was tearing apart the family relationship, she completely flipped and cried and screamed and cursed... so that was the last time anything was said about her addiction. it still really bothers me though. i cant talk to her about it cuz anytime i try to talk to her about someting i dont like, it ends up with either her pullingmy hair and screaming in my face and/or her cursing me out. so talking about it is out of he question. i need help on what to do. please. she doesnt do anything with me or my sister anymore. she just tells us to shut up and go away and make our own fun. and she always complains about how we are ungrateful brats cuz she gets us stuff all the time. honestly, i just want her love and company. she just doesnt get that. when i try to talk to her about it, she just calls me a whiny, overreacting b***h. hate it. i just hate it. please help me. thanks in advance. kisses! (link)
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Wow. It sounds to me like your mom's real problem isn't Facebook. It sounds like she is depressed. Facebook is just a distraction, an escape. Clearly her behavior is hurting your family and she is not thinking rationally anymore. I think this is something that you and your sister and dad need to sit down together and talk about. You need to tell each other what you've seen and how your mom has changed. Then you need to come up with a plan to confront her, as a family, and ask her to get help. Maybe if you all sit down as a team and explain how her behavior has affected all of you, she will realize that its not just people complaining - she is hurting her family. She needs to see a doctor and find out what is wrong and how she can change it. The doctor is the right place to start. Also, I know you're not saying she's a drug addict or anything, but watch the show "Intervention", you can find it online if you want. Its about families meeting to try to force addicted family members to get help. Your mom might not be addicted to anything besides Facebook, but she does have a problem and she needs help. That show may give you ideas of how to approach her, and you may even see things you recognize in her situation. Sit down with the family and watch.
Good luck. This is an awful situation, but if your mother can get help, it can work out.
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I honestly feel like my step brother has hooked up a hidden camera in my room. His friends will come over and they have this name that they call me, and i'm pretty sure it involves what I do in the privacy of my room. I have looked up how to detect a hidden camera but I don't even know where to begin looking. Like the internet says they can be hidden in tvs and vcrs but how the heck are you supposed to open a vcr or tv to find a camera? I want to confront my mom about it but she'll just think im crazy, and she'll ask me why I think theres a hidden camera in my room and I really dont want to explain the meaning behind their joke.. What do I do? How do I know if theres a camera in my room? I mean, the internet also says "look for any red or green dots" well my tv has a red light on it but it came like that and so does my dvd player, and dvr. Please someone help. I am at a loss and I just want to get to the end of this and find out if there really is a camera in my room. Oh and how long does it take to even hook up a hidden camera? (link)
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Can you look in HIS room? Because he must have something that he is watching it on/getting the feed on. If possible, can u check his computer while he's out one day? See if you find some video of you on there. Also look places that would have a good angle to see you from, imagine you are looking down into the room. What's the best angle to see the whole room from? Look in stuffed animals, in between books, on shelves. Is anything moved in there? Anything look different. Even if you can't find it you really do need to tell your mother. I know it will be embarrassing - perhaps you can think of a lie to cover the REAL reason for the name - but if your stepbrother has a camera in there, that's kind of scary and really gross. And he's showing friends? That is such dangerous behavior. People get arrested for that kind of stuff. If you are underage it counts as child pornography, and I don't need to tell you that is really, really dangerous. You have to tell someone. Your privacy is being violated. You can't feel safe or respected in your own home. I know its hard, but tell someone, anyone, even if its not your mom first. Tell a trusted adult. Maybe they can go with you to approach your mom. She'll take you more seriously if she sees you were worried enough to talk to someone. This is a terrible situation. You don't deserve this. Oh, also, try taking the tv & vcr out of your room for a while, see what happens. If stepbrother asks too many questions, you can be sure it was in there. But if he did it once, he'll do it again, so really you do have to tell someone.
Sorry, I meant to add that hidden cameras are super cheap and easy to come by these days, so you are not crazy for wondering. I found some "spy pens" w/ cameras online for $40. Here's the link to check it out http://www.lightinthebox.com/c/spy-pen-cameras_2550
don't second guess yourself. Trust your instincts.
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How can I feel less jealous of my husband and have more fun?
I'm 34 and love my husband. I work 7AM-4PM. My husband works as a clerk at a store from 11AM to 7PM. We have two kids, ages 3yrs and 6 months. Our kids go to a babysitter from 9AM to 4:30PM.
I am constantly jealous of my husband. He uses the 9AM-11AM period of his day to have independent fun. And he gets to socialize all day with his friends and have a pretty casual job.
I love my kids, but taking care of them by myself after work has taxed me all day is a challenge. Taking them with me to socialize or run errands is difficult. (link)
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Oh girl! You have just spoken the words every young mother thinks at some point! You are not crazy. Of course it seems quite uneven right now. You feel your husband gets more "free time", and as a mother, "free time" is the Holy Grail. First thing's first - you are not horrible for thinking this way! It is very common. I've been a mom for 10 years now, so I'll just give you my take on it.
-Try not to think of your husband's job in terms of him getting to "have more fun than you"; when you start to feel resentful, remind yourself that you are grateful your husband and partner can make money at a job he doesn't hate going to. Would you feel better if he hated it?Probably not, and chances are he would make life around the house a lot worse if he did hate his job.
-Two hours alone in the morning is nice, but keep in mind he's working into the evening, and he probably doesn't look at it as "fun time", more like personal time to run errands, get things done or just relax before work.
Understandably you are stressed. Work plus 2 small kids is enough to beat even the best mother. But you can take steps to help yourself right now. This is the time in your marriage where you and your husband need to sit down and have an honest conversation about the issues that come with being parents. Tell him how you are feeling. Do this at a time of peace, maybe when kids are in bed or napping. The point is, don't fight about it. This is simply a talk. Write down your points if it will help keep you calm and rational. Try to see if you and he can find a way to build in some "alone time" for you into the schedule. I have a fitness class I attend during the week and I also participate in a Mom's club which meets bi-monthly (MOPS if you are interested;they're International, just look it up) and is a great place to vent and relax with other moms, and we also plan once a month girl's night out. My husband knows these things are important for me to keep my sanity. He doesn't mind adjusting his social schedule to make sure he is here to care for the kids because he knows I feel happier and more rested when I do it. So find something for yourself, and then (and here's the hard part) DO IT. Don't let the guilt of leaving home overwhelm you. In the end you'll find its better for everyone.
Also, talk to him about what he can do to help you with the kids in the evenings and on weekends. He's a guy. Chances are he isn't being mean, he just really doesn't know what needs to be done, and what he can do. If you need him to help more at bedtime or meal time, let him know. If you would like to do more errands w/o the kids, work out a time when he's home from work where you can do your errands in peace, even if it means a late night trip to the grocery store. When you start discussing your frustrations calmly and rationaly I think you'll be surprised at what he is actually willing to do.
Look, the truth is that at this point in your kids' lives they ARE more dependent on you. That's just how it is, so yes, you will be doing more for them than daddy. The good news is that it is only for a season. As they get older he will be able to do more with them and for them and you will find you have more freedom. I promise. Don't forget that you are partners, not enemies. Treat him as your partner. You can get through this together, and the more you work together, the more memories you'll make. Good luck.
Oh yeah, find a babysitter and schedule some date nights. You're not the free and young singles anymore. You have to make time for romance, as unromantic as that sounds. Once a month, every other month, whatever... I promise, it will make a huge difference.
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I am a stay at home mother with 5 children. 3 of my own and 2 step children. I love all of my kids with everything I have! My problem is with my stepchildren's mother. We have full custody of the girls and every time we have to interact with her, she causes a scene! It doesn't matter where we are or what we do, she has to have a complete breakdown so that all the attention is on her and we look like the bad guys. I have NEVER done anything to stop the girls from seeing their mother or defamed her in front of them but she tells the girls all kinds of lies about us. What can I do to try and keep the peace?? I have tried avoiding situations where we have to be in contact but there are certain times when it is unavoidable. I don't know what else to do (link)
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YOu sound like you are doing all the right things. At this point it is your husband's place to explain to the girls the basics of the situation and make sure they know that you all are a family unit, that you all love and respect each other, no matter what anyone else may say. He needs to tell them that he respects their mother and only wants her to be happy, and even when she's angry with him he would never hate her. They must be so confused. They need reassurance from Dad that the adults have everything under control. You just keep doing what you're doing. If the girls tell you lies their mother says about you, calmly explain that their mother sometimes gets angry, and when she gets angry she says things that aren't true, but no one is perfect and she is blessed to have such good daughters who love her no matter what. You've done enough. This is not your situation to control. Your husband needs to step up and lay down the law and take control. Therapy is a great option and might even be necassary for the girls. Blending a family is hard, no matter what the circumstances. Counseling will help a lot. Your husband needs to learn other methods of dealing with his ex. It is not your job, and it lets him off the hook if you keep making it your job.
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When I was 12 my mother told me that she didnt know who my father was because she was raped. But there is a name on my birth cirtificate that my mother says is just an old friend who was nice and put his name on for me and I cant find that person anywhere then my mother told me last year when she lived in my house that my father was a nice guy and she only remembered his first name. how did he go from being a rapist to a nice guy who would never hurt her. She even went the extra mile to tell me that he was "afraid" when they had sex because he wanted to make sure she wanted it. How do I tell her that I know that she has been lying to me? How do I get her to tell me the truth? Why do you think she is lying? Why doesnt she think that I deserve to know my father and my children deserve to know their grandfather? I dont care if he wants to be in my life I just want to know if there is health problems I need to worry about. I would love for him to be there in my life but the choice is his. What do I do? Please help (link)
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You should explain to your mother how much her lies are hurting you. Write it down in a letter if it helps you to express it without breaking down. You have a right to know. You are not wrong or crazy for wanting to know. But before you press on any further, please be sure you are ready to know the truth. You know she has lied so far. The real truth might not be any of those things she's already told you. It may be far worse and she feels she is protecting you. So be prepared. If you feel you can be ready for anything, I think you have a right to know. If you can approach her calmly and rationally about it, she may finally understand how much the not knowing hurts you. Good luck.
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my soon to be husband moved my daughter and me into his house this past january its been real nice up untill lately his brother lives there also and another room mate well his 40 year old brother doesnt pay rent or pay bills or even buy food for the house he lops around doing nothing at all sleeps all day and up all night. He just recently started being smart towards my family and my daughter by the way she sleeps in the den he has his own room she is 14 and he doesnt give her no privtecy last night i went to cook and he through out all the forks and spoons that i use to cook with . how can i get this loser to leave i have told my boyfriend and he just feels sorry for this bs of a what he thinks is a man i want him to leave i pay the bills and buy food he doesnt do nothing what can i do to get him out ? (link)
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How can you start a marriage together when you don't even have a home together? Your daughter doesn't even have a room? How'd you let that happen? Bad idea. When you marry you will need know that your home is your HOME, and what you want is important. Leave there and delay the wedding until the living situation is sorted out. Trust me, if its bad now, it will seem 100 times worse AFTER you're married. You have to have these problems ironed out before you say idea or they will come back to haunt you worse than you could have ever imagined.
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Okay first of all I DO NOT live with my dad. In fact I haven't even seen him in 7 weeks.
I'm supposed to go to his house every other weekend but I really hate going there so I tend to skip a lot of weekends and he often has things that come up on our weekends so he'll cancel as well.
I feel like my dad is an animal hoarder.
He lives in a 1 bedroom apartment and currently has 11 inside cats and 2 outside cats and one of them is pregnant.
He also has 4 snakes,two whole aqauriums full of mice and an aqaurium of fish.
All of those animals in a one bedroom apartment.
So you can see why I never want to visit him.
I really want to report him and I know they wouldn't tell him who reported him but I'm afraid if they see his place they're going to evict him as well as take all of his animals and I don't want that to happen because he doesn't have enough money to move somewhere else.
He's also a junk hoarder as well but he's getting a lot better with that. The entire back room is filled to the ceiling with junk but he doesn't put anything back there anymore and he's always trying to clean up all of the other rooms.
He has another lady living there now too (a friend of his) and I want to make some sort of secret deal with her where we tell my dad to go out and while he's gone we just pile everything into trash bags and throw it out.
He always complains about not having money but he would if he didn't have all of those animals.
I'm just really afraid he'll lose it if either the animals or the stuff goes away but he really needs to just stop.
He thinks taking in all of the animals is justified because the animals are sick/pregnant when he gets them and then he takes care of them until their well again but then instead of finding homes for them like he says he's going to do he just keeps them.
I'm also worried that they'll take some of the cats and put them to sleep because one of them is blind in both eyes and another is blind in the one eye however both of the cats are really sweet.
What should I do?
I don't want my dad to get in legal trouble or get evicted he just doesn't have the money to find another place and he doesn't do anything bad or evil he loves his animals and he's nursed them all back to good health it's just that he has too many and their making him sick with all the cat fur and ammonia and he already has really bad lungs.
He even had a full blown asthma attack less then a week ago and he's always getting bronchitis.
Any advice is appreciated.
(link)
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Usually this type of behavior is a sign of other emotional issues. It is a type of hoarding and he needs help. I think you do need to start with calling animal control. You don't have to give your name, but think of the poor animals. As much as your Dad may love them, he can't possibly care for all those animals properly. They are suffereing in a small space that is probably filthy. Also, if the problem gets much worse, your dad may actually lose his apartment and then what will he do? If neighbors haven't already noticed the smell and the noise, they surely will soon. You will be helping him by letting animal control know. If your dad will agree, take him to see the doctor about his hoarding. Its not normal or healthy. But if he won't agree, the best you can do is assure him you love him and keep an eye on his animal situation. If it gets out of hand again, call animal control again. But if you don't help him to get rid of some of these animals soon, he definitely will be evicted. There's no doubt about that. Also, if you haven't seen it already, check out the show "Hoarders" on A&E. It may give you some ideas and help you understand him better. good luck.
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My husband's 85 year old mother is solely dependent on my husband for support. She has lived separately but due to the onset of severe Alzheimer and her mounting maintenance costs, it is no longer affordable by my husband. I have agreed to take a loan in order to expand our home and allow her to live with us.
I am however stressed by my husband's announcement that he intends to move all of MIL's furniture in to our home despite being unable to accomodate them. I feel exploited by having to take a loan to ease my husband's financial burden but yet he is willing to impose further stress on me. I must say that I reluctantly agreed as my husband is her only child but she has been a very vulgar and rude woman in the over 10 yrs I have known her and now I will also have to deal with her behavioural issues associated with her illness.
Please suggest how to deal with this pending crisis before I end up divorced! (link)
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This is a very difficult situation. If a senior care home is not affordable, then of course it is the right thing for a child to care for their aging parents. However, there are two of you involved in this decision and you have every right to feel stressed over this. You can imagine your husband is equally stressed. Since you have already taken out a loan, take some of that money and use it to seek out therapy. You two will need help to negotiate the boundaries of this arrangement. You both have valid concerns and this is a decision that will greatly affect both of you and your marriage. Don't leave this to chance. Seek outside help. If your husband won't go with you, go alone. You will at least learn effective ways to communicate your concerns without putting your husband on the defensive.
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19/f
My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married. He is in the military and it just makes a lot more sense for us to get married now than when we are older. Please do not give me a lecture about marrying young, we have been together for 4 years and have been through a lot. We are going to go through a deployment before we get married too, we have thought this through a lot. The problem is that I know my parents will not be happy about this. The area I am from no one even thinks about marriage until after college. My parents got married at 30. I want to talk to them before he proposes so it can be a happy phone call, and they will be prepared. I don't know how to tell them. Has anyone gone through something similar to this, how did your parents react? Thanks
I'll be 20, almost 21 when we do end up having the wedding (link)
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Instead of you presenting it to them, why don't you have your boyfriend call and tell them he wants to propose and would like their blessing. They may not approve, but as a parent myself, I'm pretty sure they will be quite impressed with his courage. It takes guts and character to ask the parents of the woman you love for her hand in marriage. And its romantic too. Imagine how hard that will be for him to do. Your parents will recognize that. They may not be happy you are marrying so young, but it will help them accept it to know that you are marrying a man of good character, a man who understands that his g/f's parents are very important people in her life and wants to make them a part of his love for her. Good luck!
PS - he may want to explain what you just did, that you'll be at least a little older by the time the wedding comes around. Its not like you're eloping tomorrow!
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I am a 48 year old female who live her mom all her life. My mom helped me to raise my 3 children who are now 28,26,18 and I would not have been able to do it without her. We were a team mom and I and were there for each other through thick and thin good time and bad. All 4 of us love my mom so much. My mom just passed away a little over a month ago and I have yet to shed one tear and I am really starting to get more then a little concerned. It doesn't seem to really bother me that I dont hear her voice or see her smiling face. This has been very hard on my children yet they talk to me about how they miss her very much. I don't seem to feel any of this and I am starting to think I am just a cold hearted person. Is this normal? (link)
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Oh yes. This is very normal. You are not cold hearted. You are numb. Shock is the first stage of grief and can last for quite a while. Do an internet search on "the stages of grief" to educate yourself about the different cycles you will be going through. Also, look in your local paper or online for grief support groups. Contact your local hospital too - they will have a directory of support groups. It will help to be around other people going through the same thing, other people who have suffered a great loss and are confused about coping. Don't panic and don't be hard on yourself. Give yourself permission to experience your mother's death in whatever way is happening at that moment. You are not a bad person. You are normal and what you are feeling (or not feeling) is normal, but it will help you to talk to other people who know what you're going through, so do look a support group nearby and attend. Good luck to you and I am so sorry for your loss.
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I never my man's mother and I feel like "the other woman"... haha... I just want her to know I love her son with all my heart and I want nothing but good things for him for the rest of his days. I want her to know he has touched my heart in a way that no one else ever could and that I am committed to him.. his life.. his feelings.. his thoughts.. ideas.. dreams.. etc. I know he loves his mom so very much and always has wonderful things to say about her - I've never met her and I one day hope to... but at this time I have to send her a letter and I don't really know how to do this. I just want her to know that I respect the bond and the love he has with her and I respect her as the woman who gave life to my soul mate... I want her to know her son' heart is safe with me - I wish I knew how to do this without sounding like a complete fool... - - If any mom's have advice or people who have beenin similar situations have any advice I'd really appreciate it! Many thanks! (link)
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Get her address. Buy her a nice card, maybe just something that is blank on the inside. Write what you wrote here (I thought it was lovely) and send it to her. Let me tell you something - these days, when someone takes the time to make a handwritten letter, it really says a lot. I'm a mom, and if my son's future wife wrote to me to tell me all of those things I would be so happy. Because every mom just wants to know their children will be happy. It would mean a lot to hear that you have good intentions toward your fiance. Go for it! Don't worry about sounding foolish. Write from the heart, put a stamp on it and mail it. I guarantee you, she will be moved.
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17/f 21/m
I dated this guy when I was 15 and got pregnant. I broke up with him when I was 4 months pregnant because he was very controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive, intimidating...etc. He never hit me but he has left bruises on me because he grabbed my arms too hard. He got married, and I knew his wife before they started dating. He came to see the baby for 3 months, dipped for 8 months, came back, and now he hasnt seen her in a month or 2 'because of work'. He doesnt pay child support but I dont want to pursue it because I dont want him to get any kjnd of custody.
This week, he was arrested and I found out that he has been physically violent towards his wife the whole time. She sent me a picture of her black eye. She got a restraining order on him and she suggested I do the same. Now im terrified of him because he has anger towards me and I now know what hes capable of. I have a few questions:
-i really dont want him apart of my or my childs life because hes unstable and dangerous. Hes not on the birth certificate either. Is it wrong for me to cut off all contact from him and not let him see the baby?
-hes from peru and was not a citizen, but his wife is. Did that automatically make him a citizen? Or did he still have to apply? Because she wants to try to get him deported. (he already has a pretty large record)
Any other advice is welcome, thank you !
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No, its not wrong, its the loving thing to do. Your child's safety comes above all else. Good for you! And no, he is not automatically a citizen just because he married a citizen. She can call INS and report him, but if she has a restraining order she probably should have mentioned to the police that he is possibly an illegal alien. I believe the INS has a hotline to call regarding illegal aliens. Tell her to look for that. And keep doing what you can to stay away from this guy. That might include staying away from his wife until she gets a divorce finalized. If for some reason she goes back to him then you will be enemy #1 for all of the things you've told each other. Good luck.
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