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Problems with Stepchildren's Mother
I am a stay at home mother with 5 children. 3 of my own and 2 step children. I love all of my kids with everything I have! My problem is with my stepchildren's mother. We have full custody of the girls and every time we have to interact with her, she causes a scene! It doesn't matter where we are or what we do, she has to have a complete breakdown so that all the attention is on her and we look like the bad guys. I have NEVER done anything to stop the girls from seeing their mother or defamed her in front of them but she tells the girls all kinds of lies about us. What can I do to try and keep the peace?? I have tried avoiding situations where we have to be in contact but there are certain times when it is unavoidable. I don't know what else to do
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YOu sound like you are doing all the right things. At this point it is your husband's place to explain to the girls the basics of the situation and make sure they know that you all are a family unit, that you all love and respect each other, no matter what anyone else may say. He needs to tell them that he respects their mother and only wants her to be happy, and even when she's angry with him he would never hate her. They must be so confused. They need reassurance from Dad that the adults have everything under control. You just keep doing what you're doing. If the girls tell you lies their mother says about you, calmly explain that their mother sometimes gets angry, and when she gets angry she says things that aren't true, but no one is perfect and she is blessed to have such good daughters who love her no matter what. You've done enough. This is not your situation to control. Your husband needs to step up and lay down the law and take control. Therapy is a great option and might even be necassary for the girls. Blending a family is hard, no matter what the circumstances. Counseling will help a lot. Your husband needs to learn other methods of dealing with his ex. It is not your job, and it lets him off the hook if you keep making it your job.
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The only thing I can suggest is family counseling for the girls to help them understand the dynamics of the situation. If you can get the biological mother to attend counseling as well all the better. If not find a good child psychologist who specializes in children from divorced families.
Children are a lot smarter then we give them credit for. They see what is going on. The problem is they may not understand and become confused, especially if they are being torn between the two biological parents by one or both of the parents.
A good psychologist will do two things for them and you. The psychologist will provide the children with someone they can talk to in confidence about whatever it is that may be bothering them as well as helping you find and age appropriate way to talk with them at home.
As far as biological mom is concerned: If she is unwilling to attend counseling that is on her. The psychologist will help you in dealing with her as well.
I know your question was what you can do in dealing with bio-mom. The real problem as I see it is making sure that the children understand and can deal with bio-moms rantings. If you fix this the other problems you have will go away.
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