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We don't like her boyfriend
I'm 21/female. My very best friend recently met her boyfriend, and brought him home to meet me and our family. It's important to note that she has been very very sick for four years; she can rarely leave the house and suffers from an incurable illness that leaves her very weak. While we are happy for her that she may be falling in love, we are VERY suspicious of her new beau. He has been rude, immature and controlling. He touches her ass and sticks his tongue in her mouth when we are in the room. We doubt his intentions and he is very disrespectful to her mother. We worry he has white knight syndrome. She doesn't see him the same way and it has caused a rift to grow between our beloved family.
She has changed so much since she started dating this man. What do I do? What does her family do? I cannot lose this girl, she is my angel. As she is so sick, we cannot simply leave her in this man's care, but if we say anything, she gets upset with us. Please, please help.
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I think you should mention to her that you were offended by her boyfriend's behavior and found it boorish and not normal. Maybe he has a problem of his own that you don't know about perhaps intellectual that causes him to act inappropriately at times.
Also, no matter what illness she has or is recovering from you all have to stop treating her like broken glass or fragile even if she is. It will harm her mentally, emotionally and affect being able to move forward. Treat her like someone without and give her room to breathe and make decisions even on relationships that you may or may not agree with. Making her feel as though she were fragile and sick will only serve to keep her in that state. She's knows how to handle the illness and is trying to lead a normal life with relationships, friends etc. Let her do that.
Whom she dates is really up to her and harping on him past saying what I told you to in the first paragraph will likely piss her off more than anything else. What's happening here is likely a relationship based on conveinence and nothing else or maybe there's qualities he does have that she likes.
I doubt it's White Knight Syndrome and you may be judging him harshly on that one bad meeting. Most guys don't date girls with illnesses and vice versa so I can't see why he would be with her even with an illness if it weren't genuine. He hasn't demonstrated taking advantage of her yet so give benefit of doubt.
You'll lose your friend if you keep on her with a we don't like him vibe. But do point out being offended. It's up to her to talk to him and make choices about the relationship not you, not your family. The only way to lose her is to be in the middle trying to influence her to drop him. It will only lead to tension much like what you're seeing now. She has to see for herself what others already might on her own. No amount of telling her will change her perception from what I can see based on her being annoyed at you already.
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You have no choice then, but to accept that this man is a part of you lives for now. If you've ever been in love you know that love can make you blind to the bad things about a person. It doesn't matter what other people say, you just can't hear or see it. You say your friend is very sick... perhaps she is taken with the fact that someone, anyone, is interested in her in a romantic way. Maybe she never thought she'd have a boyfriend. Just the idea that a man finds her attractive and wants to be with her may be enough to sweep her off her feet and make her do and say things she never did before. Hearing you talk ill of him may sound to her like you are saying there just isn't any way a "normal" person would ever be interested in her (of course you are NOT saying that). she's in love and everything looks rosy to her, she doesn't want to come down off that cloud right now. If this guy is really as creepy as you say, there's nothing you can do for now. You don't want to push her away, because of her illness and her importance in your life - but if you ask her to pick your feelings over her boyfriend, she's going to pick him. You sound as if you've already talked to her about your concerns. That's good. But if you've made your worries clear already, then you need to back off and let this think unfold. Decide you are not going to comment about him anymore. Try not to offer your opinion about him anymore unless she asks you directly. It will be so hard, but the point is to let her know you are there to support her, but you just can't pretend you like this guy. Its almost like she's under the influence of a drug right now. She's not herself. If and when this guy hurts her, she is going to need you more than ever and she may not feel like reaching out if she thinks she's going to get an "I told you so". Discuss the situation with her family and friends and decide how you all want to handle it, support her etc. You should all be on the same page. Agree that you will all keep your eye on him and share any strange or interesting information you find. The point is to create a safety net for her, so when (if) she does meet with disappoinment, she will have a strong support system to fall back on. I know its hard, but if you want to keep her, you'll need to swallow your pride for a while. Like I said before, she's not in her right mind. Love does that to a person.
One other thing to consider is that maybe this guy really does care for her and is just coming off creepy because he doesn't know how to act around others. Maybe he thinks all those weird things he does is showing people that he really cares for her. Only you can know, but if its possible, try to remain cautious but open to getting to know who he really is. I encourage you to spend as must time with him as you can stomach, if for no other reason than to be monitoring your friend while he's around.
She is blessed to have a caring, concerned friend like you. When you start to feel discouraged just remember that you will be in her life long after any "white knight" has come in gone. Friends like you are a rarity, and I hope you can stick it out with her. She is going to need you.
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