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My Mother Is a Liar
When I was 12 my mother told me that she didnt know who my father was because she was raped. But there is a name on my birth cirtificate that my mother says is just an old friend who was nice and put his name on for me and I cant find that person anywhere then my mother told me last year when she lived in my house that my father was a nice guy and she only remembered his first name. how did he go from being a rapist to a nice guy who would never hurt her. She even went the extra mile to tell me that he was "afraid" when they had sex because he wanted to make sure she wanted it. How do I tell her that I know that she has been lying to me? How do I get her to tell me the truth? Why do you think she is lying? Why doesnt she think that I deserve to know my father and my children deserve to know their grandfather? I dont care if he wants to be in my life I just want to know if there is health problems I need to worry about. I would love for him to be there in my life but the choice is his. What do I do? Please help
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
You do have a right to know who your father is, for all the reason you have mentioned For those reasons your mother should tell you the truth if she herself really knows what the truth is anymore.
What do I mean by that? Your mom may be lying to herself as much as she has been lying to you; to the point that she herself may not truly no fact from fiction anymore. Why this may be so I can only guess at and my best guess is that the truth may be so traumatic to her that she has hidden it behind all the lies she has told you.
This is nothing more than bootstrap psychology on my part. I'm not a doctor and I do not know you or your mother. It is just an answer that has a bit of sense to it and I have both seen and heard it before.
It is also possible that whoever your father is told your mother he wanted nothing to do with you or her, ever and your mother is just protecting you. It is all however many years you are old now and his views may have changed. Something you will never know until and unless you get to contact him. If you do get to contact him you must prepare yourself that he will be less than thrilled to hear from you.
Getting your mother to tell you the truth may be both hard and time consuming for as like I have said; she herself may not, at this time, know the true truth. To continue to harp on the subject with her may only result in more lies or worse. I would suggest you tell mom how important and include the medical reasons, this is important to you. That knowing who your father is changes nothing between the two of you. Then suggest joint counseling with a good psychologist who can break down the wall mom may have put up to protect herself( don't tell her the part about the walls). This is what I meant by time consuming.
The answers you are looking for are somethings you need to know. The fact that mom is not forthcoming in answering your questions says you are going to need help getting the answers. This is were therapy with a good psychologist comes in.
I hope I have helped you.
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You should explain to your mother how much her lies are hurting you. Write it down in a letter if it helps you to express it without breaking down. You have a right to know. You are not wrong or crazy for wanting to know. But before you press on any further, please be sure you are ready to know the truth. You know she has lied so far. The real truth might not be any of those things she's already told you. It may be far worse and she feels she is protecting you. So be prepared. If you feel you can be ready for anything, I think you have a right to know. If you can approach her calmly and rationally about it, she may finally understand how much the not knowing hurts you. Good luck.
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hmm well try talking to someone other than your mom. does your mom have any siblings you could talk to them about? what about any cousins you have? neighbors? just ask around and try starting in the beginning like who were her serious boyfriends. I'm assuming she didn't marry your father because they aren't in contact anymore. so just ask around and see if you can find out if anybody knows her serious boyfriends.
Its your mothers decision to tell you the truth, and if she refuses to tell it to you, there's nothing you can really do about that.
Try sitting down with your mother and ask her to tell the truth. don't force her to or get angry at her. just plain and simple tell her its time for you to know the truth because you don't want to be living your life like a lie. If you're lucky, she might tell you. If she doesn't, relax and try again another time. There's not much to really do.
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