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Adult children and boundaries
Hello; I have a 30 yr old daughter and 2 grandchildren (which are my world!) living in a home on my property, which I own. I pay all utilities and living expenses and have for years. My daughter is non-medicated, diagnosed bipolar, so she can be difficult at best. My issue is that both of her children suffer from asthma and alergies and the home is older, so for those reasons I feel it would be best if she only smoke outside. I have set up 2 patio areas, one in front and one in back, and she still smokes in the house. She has put her son in the middle and told him if he tells me he won't be able to see me, which broke his heart. He told me and I couldn't believe she would put him in the middle like that, but that's her. She also sees her estranged husband quite often and he is a prescription drug abuser. She was one too for years, and they both spent 30 days in rehab. She is still clean as far as I know. But, that situation also bothers me. What can I do short of making her move and losing the constant contact of the kids, whom depend on me immensely for even their day to day needs. Also, she cannot even hold a job, so I don't know where they'd go either. Thanks for reading! (This is taking a toll on my health too...stressss)
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You are in a difficult situation. Your trying to be a good grandparent and helpful parent. In doing so you are enabling your daughter. To be anything else could endanger your grandchildren and your daughter. You are literally between a rock and a hard place.
While smoking is bad for anyone with asthma, if the children are healthy and not suffering attacks caused by your daughters smoking. Then there is little you can do from a legal standpoint to step in and defend or protect them. After all they are her children. If the situation is that the children are suffering because of her smoking then you can attempt to petition for custody.
I would suggest you seek the counsel of a good Family Law Attorney and see what your legal standing is. You other options are probably not going to be to your liking as they would separate you from your grandchildren This I believe would not be good for them as well; based on what you have written.
I don't see children's services as being an option for you at this time for if the children are healthy they won't step in. If they find reason to step in they will most likely attempt to place the children with the father before placing them with you.
As I said I don't see many options here for you other than consulting a good lawyer. If I were in your position I would continue to do as your doing and monitor the children's health. Be ready to step in when and if the time comes that you need to. Hopefully that time does not come.
One thing I would do if I were you is get your daughter back into treatment for her bipolar disorder. One of the biggest problems with the bipolar disorder is medication. When they are not depressed they feel they do not need medication. When they are depressed it is hard to get them to take medication. Depending on how bad your daughters bipolar disorder is the medication can be as bad as the disorder. Some of the medications used are among the strongest psychotropic drugs there are. This is another reason bipolar patients are non compliant with medications.
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This is a heartbreaking situation. You are only trying to care for your daughter and her kids, but it seems that your helping has come to the point that its hurting. YOu have enabled your daughter by providing for all her needs while requiring nothing in return. She knows how much you care for the kids and uses that against you, which is horribly unfair, yet it is a situation you have allowed to fester. I see you have a couple of options: 1) You can call your daughter's bluff and kick her out, telling her to provide for herself if she can't abide by the rules on the property you pay for. My suspicion is given long enough on her own, she'll change her tune. But she has to know you are not afraid to risk losing contact with the kids for a while. Once she gets that, she'll back off. But this would take a lot of courage on your part, even a friend to help hold you accountable while you go through the pain of letting her and the kids go. 2)call Child Protection Services and report your daughter. Most often the children go to the next of kin they are most familiar with and grandparents are high on that list. 3)continue to be held hostage by your abusive daughter and just try to spend as much time with the kids as possible. If I were you, I'd be booting her out and let her see what life is like without you. YOu do so much for her kids, she would be lost. She has to know what lengths you are willing to go to make sure the kids have a good life, even if it means losing contact with them for a few weeks while you administer "tough love". Also, do an internet search for support groups for families of addicts and ex-addicts. It will haelp to talk to other people who know what you are going through. Good luck to you in whatever you choose to do.
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This is quite a sensitive matter since when it comes to our adult children we tend to not harden our hearts like we should. If you love your daughter you need to really sit down and talk to her. Woman to woman. Not a Mother to Daughter or a Friend to a Friend. This is a serious matter that you need to discuss with her so she can see exactly how you feel. CHILDREN are not a joke! Her children have to become a priority or she could lose them. Excusing her behavior because of her past isn't helping her. Until you get REAL with her she will continue to do what she wants to do. Simple as this SHE NEEDS TO ABIDE BY YOUR RULES or she will have to find another place to live. Lets see with FREE RENT, BABY SITTING, ETC.... Children should never be thrown in a situation but you have to think to yourself. SHE is truly controlling everyone's life right now! And she is out of control if she has issues that are beyond anything you can help her with! LOVE your grandchildren but you have to let their mother be a mother. Until then she will stress you to your DEATH bed. LET GO! Let her see what she has and make her grow up! Its time for her to find her place in the world!
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