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marriage after cheating
I have been married for 6 years to whom I consider the best woman out there. I need to say that for the record. She is quick witted, smart, and has many abilities that could easily drop her into multiple career paths. Admittedly, she does feel indecisive. She hasn't followed up on any true career path and her indecisiveness has gotten the best of her in other ways. Our relationship throughout those 6 years have not been happy for both of us. While dating, I did catch her cheating and I realized that she had thought I was going to leave her so she was in essence seeing another guy. Things got better. But, I realized I have difficulty expressing myself with her. We have 4 kids now. The forth child was a difficult one in that I had no permanent job, no insurance and we had been using birth control. Our last child before her was a premature birth and had to undergo months of treatments to make him strong. I didn't want to go through that again. During the time of conception, I had my suspicions that she may have a posting for a companion on craiglist. After I found out she was pregnant, I thought about finances, my suspicions, and whether we could handle four children. I asked her to give the child up for adoption. I let my suspicions get the best of me and brought out the word divorce. We made up and we decided mutually to keep the fourth child. But the whole ordeal challenged our marriage and made her second guess our relationship. I made a vow to myself that I would be a more outgoing husband and I would express my emotions whole heartedly with her. I realized I have not been there for her in her times of need. Fast forward to now a year and a half later, she is on Facebook. Over the last few months She approached me to say that she doesn't think that she loves me as much as I love her. I thought of it as an innocent comment at first but, she began crying after a few confrontations. I became suspicious again.
I found she had been staying up late chatting with an old high school boyfriend in another state. I confronted her and she played it off as just chatting. I then found out it was more than that. They had secret email accounts and pre-paid phone cards and were planning on running away together. I confronted her again and she confessed that she did have feelings for him but didn't admit to planning on running off with him. She also admitted that she did have an ad on Craiglist for a lesbian partner as far back as 6 months ago. We decided to go to counseling and during our first session she said that she kind of sees me as the big brother she never had. She now says she wants to keep the family together but for the sake of the kids. This other guy has friended me on facebook and has made many compliments about looks and being a great guy as he has heard from my wife. At times, I still find her on facebook chatting with this guy. She says there is 17 years of feelings for eachother that she cannot just let go. Though I can see that through the emails I found that they both seem to be feeding off of their high school memories and he seems to be using that to play her. This guy has supposedly been cheated on by his girlfriend of six years. My wife has become a facebook friend with his girlfriend! I know Jerry Springer comes to mind huh?
I realized that my lack of being there for her, not conveying my emotions and yes my slacking with the house chores has made us drift apart to this stage. I really do want to rekindle our relationship and not have it be a marriage of convenience. I have been ramping up on the house work. I sent her flowers at work. I have been sharing my random thoughts for her throughout the day. My goal is a happy mariiage where there isn't any drama like this and to have her fall in love with me again. Throughout the whole ordeal, her mom has stopped answering my calls. She knows what happened but, doesn't want to be brought into things. She says she wants nothing to do with it. I really am looking for a woman's opinion on the situation.
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Honestly it sounds like your wife is just not happy. It sounds like she has fallen out of love and is wanting to explore. I understand letting her chat online while knowing about it is frustrating. Its either allow her to do this and ignore your feelings of separate. You have tried counseling you have tried talking to each other and confronting her and nothing seems to kick in her head that she is a married woman with 4 kids. Talking to high school flames and guys you meet online is out of the question. I think you should get ready to let go. I don't like the divorce word either. But if my husband and I had really fallen out of love or he wasn't happy with me Id have to do it. There is no reason to continue being together and living together and not loving each other.
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We all have our faults. By your own admission yours are slacking off on household chores and being to private about yourself. You don't say if you and your wife are still in therapy, hopefully you are and you can work things out to find the reason you two married in the first place.
As for staying together for the sake of the children. Children are more aware of problems between parents than we give them credit for. They are by nature very intuitive about their parents relationship. Staying together for their sake can at times do more harm than good.
If the parents are fighting or not having the type of trusting relationship parents should have. The children instinctively know this and react to it. For their best interest you should get them counselling with a child psychologist that they feel comfortable with and will open up to. In this way you will get some feedback as to what the children are feeling and how your present relationship with your wife is effecting them.
Parents having a difficult relationship will many times say it is better to stay in a bad relationship for the sake of the children. When in fact doing so does the children more harm than good. The only way to know this is to find away to see the whole picture which is learn what the children see. They will not come right out an tell you, especially young children. Counselling with someone they learn to trust will help them and allow them to tell someone what if anything is bothering them. This would include their parents relationship.
While I can't advise you on if you should leave your wife or not. And I will not pass judgement on who is at fault for I am really only seeing one side of the situation. What I will say is that in most instances staying together for the sake of the children is the wrong decision. Find out what your children feel and see and then decide what is the best road for you and your wife to follow.
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You guys need to get to a counselor and fast! Before you say its too expensive, consider how expensive a divorce will be - super expensive, trust me. more than you could ever imagine. If you absolutely can't afford it, find a church or other religious institution nearby that offers counseling. Most modern churches have a marriage therapy program that is free. If you can't get your wife to agree to go, go alone. You need help sorting through everything. This is a very complicated situation. It goes deeper than your wife having feelings for another person. You have both been through a terrible ordeal and you need help sorting through the hurt and consequences. This won't fix itself. Go find help. I can't tell you how much of a difference just having a neutral third party to talk to can make. You have 4 kids; this is not something you should let go of easily, and it will take more than just being nicer to her to get out of this. She has issues she needs to sort out, and so do you.
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