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I want an abortion, but my husband wants to keep it.
I took an at home pregnancy test 3 days ago, and it was positive. I instantly began crying, and have rarely stopped. I am 21, and my husband of 1.5 months is 23. I am in my senior year of college, and my husband just joined the army, and we just moved to our first duty station. I cannot stop crying, because I have always wanted to have a career before having kids. It was my dream as a child to be a pilot, and in September I decided I wanted to join the Army to achieve my dreams. But having a kid right now pretty much ruins my chances, and there is no other plausible way for me to become a pilot.
I started to talk to my husband about possibly having an abortion, and he said he would support me in whatever decision I came to, but he also said he would probably view me differently. I know that having an abortion is the right decision for me; it is only when I think about it, that I stop crying. But the thought of my husband viewing me differently, and possibly growing to resent me, that makes this decision extremely hard for me. And it is not just giving up on my dreams that haunts me, I also feel that having a baby now isn't what is best for me, and I know if I keep it, I will grow to resent my husband for having the career of his choice.
I am looking for advice, support, or thoughts of who I should talk to in order to figure out the best course of action.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Abortion?
Hi there,
Would it help if we just took abortion completely out of the equation?
In truth, this isn't an abortion problem, it is a relationship problem.
If you read back what you have written here, you will find that you haven't considered anyone's feelings but your own. I don't mean that to be harsh, just to point out that it would HELP you to be able to understand why he would view you differently, for example.
How about we change it up:
You come to your husband and tell him that you are pregnant and happy to have a family started.
He, for his own reasons of career, fun or whatever, says: I don't want you to have a baby... I want you to kill the baby you love so much so I can do whatever I want.
You try to reason with him, but he tells you that you don't have any say in the matter. He says: "I will punch you in the stomach until you miscarry."
You say: I will support you in whatever you decide... but I would probably look at you differently.
If the roles were reversed, and you were happy to be growing new life inside you, yet he could only stop crying if he was thinking about punching you till you miscarried... how would you feel about him?
Probably not too great, right?
Same for him.
Before we go any further: Yes, it is your body, and the law says you can terminate the life of your child.
Nobody is arguing this at all. Like I said, this isn't really about abortion... It is about two people who have different goals and plans for their lives.
Two people who probably should have discussed this before they got married, unfortunately, but here you are. So what do you do?
Nothing you wrote sounds even remotely like you will even have time for marriage. Have you asked yourself why you got married in the first place?
I don't mean why would you EVER, just why did you do it before completing the things you KNOW you want to do before you are able to consider anyone's feelings beside your own.
It isn't a bad thing to be driven and self absorbed when in pursuit of a career, but to be driven and self absorbed inside a marriage is a sure recipe for disaster.
I ask myself this question: Would it have been better for Casey Anthony to have had an abortion, or murdered her child?
What about the woman who wanted to go "clubbing" with her lover, who didn't like kids... so she backed her car into the water and drowned her 5 kids?
5 abortions? :-(
Even with the VERY best use of birth control, you are probably going to get pregnant again. How many abortions are you willing to have? I don't mean that in any argumentative way. Legit question that you should think about before making the first decision.
Everyone else has already suggested therapy, and I totally agree. You two aren't going to be working this out by yourselves most likely, and just the ability to say all this out loud in front of a neutral party will help more than you can even understand yet.
HTG's answer provides a great many Army related suggestions, and he speaks from experience with such things, please listen to him.
Once more, to confirm:
Yes, it is your womb, and your right to decide who lives there, or in this case who dies there...
... BUT, when you enter into a partnership, and promise to SHARE your life and yourself with your partner, you are promising to include them in the decision making process.
You can do whatever you want, but the reason that he is going to resent you is because you made the partnership of the marriage a lie. It really has nothing to do with the abortion itself most likely.
I don't think you meant to lie, and I am not assigning any blame to you for the lie happening.
The NUMBER ONE thing people MUST discuss before getting married is how they feel about children. This includes how many they want, when they want them, if they are willing to home school them, etc.
You two failed to do this.
I can prove that this isn't about abortion, but instead relationship:
Let us say that you wanted to send the kids to public school, and he wanted them home-schooled. Well, what happens when you say: "I was thinking about sending the kids to public school. I don't want them interfering with my career, and I just don't feel like dealing with this whole "kids" thing right now."
He might just as easily respond the same way he did: He would support you in your decision, but would probably never trust you to have the best interest of your children at heart again. Hence, he would never feel the same way about you. He would probably grow to resent you.
... if you home-schooled, you would probably grow to resent him, and the kids.
Who knows, you might be the next one on the news backing a car into a lake... or drowning your kids in the tub one at a time. :-(
I don't say that to shock you, just to drive home the point that resentment is, without doubt, the single most efficient fuel for the destruction of any relationship.
No matter what, your answer is going to be a hard one.
All any of us can do, is tell you what we would do, and now it is my turn:
If I were you, and you did have the abortion, I would try to annul the marriage (if there is a loophole) or get a summary divorce.
You have your own goals and are on a mission. It doesn't include a husband, and it doesn't include children (obviously...) so until your mission is complete and you have achieved EVERYTHING you want to to before settling down, don't be married.
Don't have sex, and you won't have to make these decisions again, until you are ready to include other people in your life.
If you let your husband read what you have written here, my guess is that he sees the mistake you both made by not making plans before you wed. Odds are he would be in favor of divorce rather than deal with the next 5 abortions, if such a thing should happen.
If he wants babies, and you don't... he isn't going to want to risk having sex with you. That baby, which he appears to already be in love with, is his fault too. You didn't make it without him.
Basically, he may feel (as men often report feeling in this situation) that he caused the death of a child by having sex with you.
That doesn't make things better in the bedroom. :-(
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best life possible, and I hope that you are able to live with your decision no matter which way you choose.
Good luck to the both of you.
DN.
P.S. If you do decide to deliver the child, please consider adoption, as someone else suggested. No child deserves to have their every waking moment be a reminder of how much you resent them. That would be like living in hell, to me. I have seen the end result of that treatment in someone very close to me, and it is hard to deal with. There are about a bazillion people waiting in line to adopt babies... so if you decide to go that route, you don't have to worry that it will be hard to do. Pretty much one phone call to get the ball rolling, and they will guide you through everything. Many places also pay you for the child. They say it is for expenses and all that, but it still works out to be paying you to have the child.
P.P.S. PLEASE, and I am literally begging you here, do NOT make any decisions without finding and talking to at least one counselor.
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First things first. Check in with a Planned Parenthood clinic and have a blood test done to confirm your pregnancy. While there they will review your options with you and tell you how far along your pregnancy is and how long you can wait and still have a legal abortion if you chose to do so. This can vary from state to state.
Once you have this information it won't make making your decision any easier, though it will take some of the pressure off. Giving you time to work through the thought process.
None of us can make this decision for you. This is one that is truly yours to make. You have brought out some very important factors to which you must make decisions on before you make your choice as to what you want to do.
As I see it the two most important choices you have to decide upon are:
1) What your husband meant by, "he would probably view me differently." This is important for the future of your marriage and something the two of you must discuss.
2)"I will grow to resent my husband for having the career of his choice." I understand what you mean by this. Does your husband understand how important it is for you to have a career before you start a family.
These I believe are the two most important factors that enter into your decision. His just being supportive is not enough for you, I understand this as well.
There are many more things I could say to you but I will not as this decision is so important to you and your marriage that I do not wish to sway you one way or the other.
What I will say in closing is that the one topic you so not have to listen to is abortion itself. Abortion is legal. It is your choice to have one or not. Whether I or anyone else approves or disapproves of abortion should not enter into your thought process unless you want it to. You have to do what you believe is right for you.
The last thing I believe on the topic of abortion is; no one should be forced to bring a child into this world they will resent. That to me is wrong in so many ways.
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Do what you've got to do, then go to couples counseling. Having an abortion isn't easy on anyone, and speaking to at therapist can help you work through it as well as helping you both address any issues that arise between the two of you.
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I'll say this first- do what you need to do. second- what about having a kid is preventing you from becoming a pilot in the army? If you kept the kid, take a few months to bust yourself back into shape, go to OCS, then head to Rucker for flight school. He can get a compassionate reassignment to Fort Rucker while you're there, and it's what's called a "Gentleman's Course". you can go home every night and be with your family. Trust me, the Army, for all the hype, will take care of you and yours. The only difference being that only one of you can be deployed at a time, so if your aviation Battalion gets shipped off to the sandbox at the same time as his unit, one of you will stay back on Rear Detachment.
In any case, no matter what you decide to do, The Army's got a ridiculous amount of resources available for you. just contact the family life center.
If you have any more questions, either hit me up, talk with the garrison chaplain, family life counsellors, FRG leaders, the list is nearly endless. above all, know that you and your husband will never be alone as long as you're in the military.
good luck, Rangers Lead The Way.
-Gunner
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Its your right- as a woman- to choose. If you feel abortion to be the best option, then do it. I personally am pro-choice. Its not fair for your husband to say he will see you differently. Is he harbouring the foetus?
Many people think it's easy for a woman to abort a foetus, but it obviously isn't. Its usually the last resort after thinking about it. You say having a baby right now isn't best for you, so why do it? It may be okay for your husband as he won't be giving birth, and will be away a lot of the time. He will still do his job. You will have to spend all your time, and attention on this child.
If having a child isn't right for you right now, do the right thing by you. Its also unfair to have a child if you feel you are unready (for the child). Your husband should really support you through this, and understand your situation. It sounds like you have some talking to do with him. Explain how you feel.
Good luck, and I hope you make the right decision for you :)
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Why abortion? Why haven't you thought about adoption? This in my opinion is a better option as I am completely against abortions in the first place.
If you are looking to proceed your dreams in which I fully support your choice to do so, Then go for it! :) I think it's a fantastic choice and a great idea and I wish you all the best of luck.
Adoption can be done in several ways, If you feel it would be difficult to arrange for adoption then you could always see if you look into an open adoption where you would have visitation rights. If not, Then you could always have a closed adoption where the child would be given a chance to have the best in life. Likely, Your husband would be more leaning towards this choice and hopefully you will be too.
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