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How to adjust to MIL living with my family?
My husband's 85 year old mother is solely dependent on my husband for support. She has lived separately but due to the onset of severe Alzheimer and her mounting maintenance costs, it is no longer affordable by my husband. I have agreed to take a loan in order to expand our home and allow her to live with us.
I am however stressed by my husband's announcement that he intends to move all of MIL's furniture in to our home despite being unable to accomodate them. I feel exploited by having to take a loan to ease my husband's financial burden but yet he is willing to impose further stress on me. I must say that I reluctantly agreed as my husband is her only child but she has been a very vulgar and rude woman in the over 10 yrs I have known her and now I will also have to deal with her behavioural issues associated with her illness.
Please suggest how to deal with this pending crisis before I end up divorced!
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Having some experience with this, I hope I can help. My mother-in-law also had alzheimer's. At the early onset of her illness she made her children feel guilty for considering nursing home placement and would cry each time they approached the issue. Being an assisted living administrator at the time, I knew she would soon go beyond the assisted living level, and when they need more than that, it is nearly impossible for a family to provide home care.
One of the daughters, who had no experience in nursing or with AD, quit her job and moved in with Mom to care for her during the last few years. It was a disaster, but if I spoke up, my opinion was not valued as only a daughter-in-law. However, I continued to give my husband gentle reminders about the issues at hand. His sister needed a break, and he stayed with Mom alone to care for her. He called me in tears, as he finally realized I was right about the level of care she needed. So, he began to take my side regarding the nursing home issue. However the sisters didn't agree. Their Mom died at home in a miserable state and should have been cared for by professionals.
I would not recommend that you take a loan, or move in your Mother in law's furniture, or move her in for that matter. Your husband probably does not have experience caring for a person with Alzheimer's and is only trying to be a good son and live without guilt. His relationship with his Mother will become so strained, neither of them will enjoy her last years on this earth.
Instead, go directly to the nearest Alzheimer's association and ask for help, and how to get social services involved to assist with the finances. They are wonderful people and hopefully can offer your husband peace of mind and convince him to leave her care to the professionals that are trained to do these things (and go home after an 8 hr shift)
I think you are right, you would end up divorced and your husband would eventually get burned out on caring for Mom, even if he doesn't see it that way now. In the end everyone will be alone and miserable, when things do not have to be like that at all. You may have to stand your ground on this one, it seems you are completely in the right.
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A friend of mine was in a similar situation as you find yourself in. They were able to find a nursing home that would care for a patient with Alzheimer's working with Medicaid and the patients Social Security income.
Lets face the facts that a nursing home is usually the choice of last resort as no child wants to put a parent into a nursing home. Fact is though that sometimes it is the only choice. As is the case with an Alzheimer's patient. A patient with severe Alzheimer's need constant 24/7 attention to keep them safe. They tend to wander and do things that can hurt themselves and others.
I understand your husbands desire to care for his mother, fact is he will be doing her more harm than good by bring her into your home. If you have not already moved your MIL into your home please look at the following two links provided. If you have moved your MIL into your home still look at the links as you and your husband may wish to reconsider your decision.
Therapy will help with the decision that needs to be made. I understand your husbands desire to take care of his mother. He needs to understand that buy bring his mother into his home he may do her more harm than good.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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This is a very difficult situation. If a senior care home is not affordable, then of course it is the right thing for a child to care for their aging parents. However, there are two of you involved in this decision and you have every right to feel stressed over this. You can imagine your husband is equally stressed. Since you have already taken out a loan, take some of that money and use it to seek out therapy. You two will need help to negotiate the boundaries of this arrangement. You both have valid concerns and this is a decision that will greatly affect both of you and your marriage. Don't leave this to chance. Seek outside help. If your husband won't go with you, go alone. You will at least learn effective ways to communicate your concerns without putting your husband on the defensive.
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Mother in laws are usually not fun to have around, especially when they are a burden.
As a wife, you will have to make some sacrifices to accomodate her. She is important to your husband, and your husband would not be here without her. However, you cannot let this ruin your home or your marriage.
You need to have a firm discussion with your husband. Tell him that you are sacrificing a lot for this, and if his mom wants to live there he is going to have to make comprimises. All the furniture cannot fit, so you will have to sell it or store it.
Perhaps you can explore the option of a nursing home? It may be cheaper than moving her into your house. Honestly, it is only a matter of time before she will need to have the care of a professional, as she will only get sicker with time. It might not be worth changing your home just for her to live with you for roughly 1-10 years.
It won't be easy, but you two need to work together and compromise. It is difficult, but possible.
Good luck,
-Abby
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