So, like, I'm this guy. And like, I do stuff...
Chemist, musician, artist, programmer, coach, husband, dad, uncle, etc.
So yeah.
Advice-wise? There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Website: Not My Site!
E-mail: sporkopolis2001@yahoo.com
Gender: Male
Occupation: Chemist
Age: 32
Member Since: October 16, 2003
Answers: 1249
Last Update: June 1, 2006
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my mom went threw my journels and red some stuff about how bad i want to die and details about a time where i was raped and she flipped out at me
i feel so betrayed that MY mother did this because she always talks about how journels are a good thing, and one time i had my friend pamela sleep over and she wont let me have her over anymore because pamela snooped and red one of my journels.. and my sister read my moms journel once and she was grounded for 2 weeks
she doesn't listen to what i say though when i try to explain how i feel she just says im being selfish and just trying to turn this around on her
what can i do to make her see what she did was rong she wont even apoligize.. (link)
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I might be wrong about this, because I don't know your mother - keep that in mind. I'm going to say this form a more general mind-set assuming that the parent cares deeply for their child... ok?
While journals are a personal thing, it seems that you are keeping many secrets from her that you should not be keeping. Your mom is only concerned for you. Yeah, she should not be snooping, but honestly, she seems to have had a good reason to go snooping.
You're hiding your life from her. That makes it really hard for her to be the parent she wants to be. Maybe you have reasons for keeping such things secret, but things like rape and thoughts of suicide are not those you should bottle up inside - even a journal isn't going to make them go away, especially not rape.
Being a parent, I can't imagine how horrible it would be for my kids to feel they needed to keep such things from me. How am I to help them if they tell me nothing?
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ive been wanting a cell phone for so long. and dont think i havent tried getting one. ive had the money and saved it, i even offered to pay for one. i wrote a whole 1 page essay on why i wanted one, how i used it, and if i did something wrong they could take it away. im on computer like 24'7 so i told them it would occupy my time and i wouldnt be on as much. but NOTHING has worked.
is there anything else left to try!?
~hopeless (link)
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Think about it this way:
for many cell plans, it requires a credit check because so many people who use cell phones don't pay their bills - thus, they have to do a credit check.
Cells can be a huge distraction. Text messenging, people handing out their number to anyone and everyone - and every incoming call counts against your minutes the same way that every call you make does. Texting usually costs $0.10 per message... that adds up really fast.
One thing to consider - if your parents are worried for whatever reason, talk to them about the Firefly. It is a phone that they would have control over and you could use. It rejects calls form people who are not a list they have to assign on the phone. Likewise, you can't call anyone not on the list. The minutes are tightly monitored so you can't go over and rack up a huge bill for them to have to pay. It can't text message, so again, no extra costs. Yeah, it might not be as "cool" but it is a phone, it works, and will get you want it seems to be that you think you need.
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my dad has never told me he's loved me until last week when we were on the phone. I said it first, but i am glad he said it back. it is awkward to say it again. My question is...is it normal for dads not to say he loves his daughtor and should i keep on saying i love him when i see him or talk to him on the phone? (link)
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Sometimes telling someone you love dearly that you love them can be incredibly awkward for any number of strange and complex psychological reasons.
When your kids are little, it seems so easy to tell them that you love them all the time, and they'll tell you the same in return... but as we all get older, we do things to create distance between ourselves, to try to attain our independence form our parents - and whether intentional or not, it can create emotional rifts that are sometimes hard to understand and heal.
So what am I trying to say? Umm...
By all means, tell your dad you love him. Let him know that he is important to you and that you appreciate having him in your life. I mean, if he finally said the words to you, take it as a good sign and use it to build upon.
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How do I get my brother to start returning my calls instead of giving me the excuse that he's busy?
I only call every few weeks or so. He acts like it's no big deal and it's infuriating to me. Should I just wait for him to call? (link)
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It might just be that your brother doesn't care. I know that sounds harsh, but many seem to go through a phase of separation from their family where they want little contact as to help them establish their own life outside the scope of the sibiling and parental relationships that they grew up with.
Now, that said, it still sucks if you try to call him infrequently and he just blows you off. I would hope he'd have the courtesy and respect to try to return your calls... but really, you can't force him to do it. Perhaps he doesn't realize how much it bothers you... perhaps that it is emotionally a negative thing... It might be worth your effort to talk to your parents about it - perhaps they could give him a subtle hint to return your calls ;)
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ok so im 16 and just got my permit..every driving lesson ends in a headache because my mom would get crazy..telling me to do 5 different things..like i pulled into the parking lot of a park and shes like:
"stop right here...put the car in park..then she would see i was blockin a car so she would be like " pull over here..park over there.." it drove me nuts! i understand when she says to stay over more on the road...instructional things for me to learn..but when she spazzes out it gets really nervouss and upset..is there anything i can do? dont say only drive with my dad because i mostly am with my mom..my dad works nights so he sleeps all day...so i only drive with him sometimes...
(link)
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Ah, the joys of learning to drive. Parents do have the habit of getting really uptight and intense when you're driving - they get sooo nervous that they tend to forget that you're likely nervous, too.
At the least, you should try to sit down with your mom and remind her that when you're out there driving, you're already nervous and trying hard to do your best. Indicate, in a calm and neutral manner, that her behaviour is adding to the stress you feel when behind the wheel and while you know she means well, it is making it harder for you to concentrate on your driving.
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Hi. Your super cool. Could you answer my question found here:
http://advicenators.com/qview.php?q=325201
it would be much appreciated :) (link)
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Ok, I answered. Tips are greatly appreciated, and babysitting is accepted as payment... :P
;)
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I recently started dating a guy with a very very close family. I am 22, he is 24, and still living with his parents while he saves up to buy a house. The problem is that I'm starting to see signs of his parents making too many decisions for his life.
First of all, he is christian, and quite religious. Me and him have made the decision to wait to have sex, at least for now. I think this is a personal decision that is between me and him.
He stays at my house sometimes, and has already slept in the same bed at me while staying at my mothers house, at my house, and at my sisters house. There is not a problem with this because we are both adults, and are very capable of making out own decisions.
But, recently he told me that he doesn't think he should stay at my house anymore because his parents are already getting suspicious. He has already told him that we're not having sex, but, apparently, they don't believe him, and are trying to stop anything from happening.
Another thing is that I'm planning a trip to Florida, and he really wants to go. He is allowed two weeks vacation from work, and would only need one week. The problem is that he works for his father. I would not see a problem if his father told him "I don't think I can give you the time off, because I need your help here" But, instead, he said "I don't think you should go because you need to save your money"
This guy is 24 and is capable of making his own decisions on where he sleeps at night and what he spends his own money on.
I'm wondering how I could make this clear to him, that it bothers me, without making it uncomfortable. I do not want to make things uncomfortable for me and his parents, him and his paretns, or me and him. Any advice would be much appreciated. (link)
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ok, yeah... ouch... he's 24... it is well past the time to be cutting himself loose and live his own life.
Admittedly, being not very intimate with the actual situation, I can only run on things I've seen happen with others - and that has been everything from the adult child continuing to submit to every whim of their parents to the person pulling a 180 and totally alientating their parents, causing large-scale family drama. Obviously, neither of those extremes are desirable.
I mean, you're in a relationship with him, so only you know how and what you're able to discuss with him... but I would hope that, even though this is a touchy subject, you are able to point out your observations and push back. I mean, it is your relationship and HIS relationship... not his parents'... you're allowed to be "selfish" in this regard - you are trying to deepen your bond with him it would seem, and I do not blame you for being uncomfortable. Speak out and make your position clear.
He's got to live his own life, and he's got to make his own decisions, especially regarding your relationship.
You've got the insight on him, you've got the read, so I can't give you anything more specific other than to say that I feel you really need to push back... maybe not hard at first, but you need to make your position known and understood by him.
Good luck.
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Ever since I was in first grade my mother made me take piano, which I hated so I dropped it in the 5th grade. Since the third grade, I have taken viola, and I am so-so about it, (I'm in seventh grade) because I have played it for so long I don't want to let it go. My mother wants me to quit strings and take chorus next year, because she thinks I have potential there, but I don't want to do that because I feel like I let too many things I could have been good at go. I recently gave my mother a deal- let me start guitar lessons, and then I will totally drop strings and take chorus next year. My mother refused, and I think she did that because she thinks I can't be committed to anything, even though I love guitar to death and I would truly love it instead of being so-so about it like strings. Guitar is just such a lovely instrument that I would be so extremely happy to learn to play it. I love chorus too, but I don't want to make my mother think I'm not committed by jumping out of strings. What can I do? How can I prove I'm worthy of guitar and that I'm actually committed to it? (link)
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You've been trapped by a very common thing, sadly. It sounds like the music is in you, it is just a matter of tapping into it properly.
From what you've said here, it sounds like strings are the right way to go for you - your playing viola shows this.
Perhaps you could demonstrate that your love of guitar and current skill on viola can lend themselves to each other. Try talking about classical guitar, flamenco guitar, and even jazz. If you really want to drive your point, look for music by Andres Segovia.
Also, would it be worth your effort to say that you'd rather continue on viola than move to choir? That would also demonstrate drive in that area, and perhaps the switching from viola to guitar wouldn't seem so drastic to your mom? Just a thought.
No matter what though, you're young so you've got time on your hands. Keep at music in whatever form you are able. What I've learned from saxophone has translated to bass, and to guitar. There is much in music that you can teach yourself if you spend the time to keep on playing and moreso, to spend time listening and developing an ear for picking out melodies and creating harmonies.
Either way, good luck.
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Hello, I have recieved several threatening letters over the past year from my father. The threats include having me put in hospital, also stating that he has had a curse put on my daughter and myself to ensure that something bad happens to us, and general insults and abuse aimed at my wife daughter and myself. We have really had enough of this, is there anything I can do and should I go to the police ? I am convinced that he is going to pay someone to come and do physical harm to my family or myself. He is quite old and in a poor state of health, but is and has always been a very brutal person having caused misery and suffering over many years mainly to his wife and children. All I have done to promt these letters is to write to him listing his bad deeds over the years and telling him what I thaught of his behaviour, this was without any aimed insults from me. My letter to him was in response to further bad behavior on his part.
Yours and Best Regards
Daniel (link)
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I hope you've kept all the threatening letters. Take them as evidence to the police - otherwise you'll have to wait to establish the behavoiur - the police will want evidence of threatening.
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I was referred to you by Southern Chickety, with this question:I just finished crying, letting it all out. All because of my parents. I'm making 14 very soon now, but when I was 12, I broke my virginity with this guy, and my parents told him not to call at all and not to come over. I admit, he was a bad influence, and he didn't care about me. But I learned so much from that. After that happened, I have been through numerous realationships, lasting anywhere from a week to 10 months. I matured very, very fast too. I have learned about all kinds of guys during that time, and I don't trust ANYONE now.I am currently in a serious relationship with a guy in his late 20s. He treats me so good. Never says a bad word to me. He says he's still shocked at how I am so mature for my age and says he's never met anyone as "real" as me before. The thing is, we can't go anywhere together. And I'm tired of letting good guys who're interested have to pass me up because my parents don't know me and think I don't know anything. I'm not saying I know it all, but I have been a street girl, and I know what it's like. i don't want that. I'm ready to settle down with one person. No cheating. And my age is what everyone looks at. Tonight I couldn't even go to a fair because "I'm too young to be out at night with 3 other girls." My parents don't know me. They don't know ANY of the things I have been through. I want to know how I can tell my parents that I feel too sheltered? It's not just that. My parents don't seem to understand that if they get me a cell phone, then they can stay in touch with me no matter where I am. They always try to keep me home. They won't even let me go to a high school dance, and I'm going there now. How can i tell them that age is anything but a number, and it's my maturity that counts? I'm sorry you had to read all that, but my life is getting very miserable, and I don't know what to do. I'm thinking a counselor...but I don't know. Please help and thank you.
oh, and sorry if you misunderstand the part where I say i can't go anywhere with the guy in his 20s. I know why I can't go anywhere with him, it's illegal, but I can't go ANYWHERE with any boy, no matter what age. Many, many, endless scores of boys have asked me out to skating rinks and bowling alleys and three asked me out to the fair tonight. But I can't go because I'm "13".
Thanks again.
(link)
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The thing is... you ARE only 13. Like it or not, that IS how old you are. And while you truly believe that you are more mature, well... I'm not convinced. There's more to maturity than "experience" as you list it...
What you seem to not have is any level of trust established between you and your parents. And honestly, you're not going to get anywhere until you have some ability for them to trust you. And from what you've said, gaining that trust is likely going to be really, really hard, because were they to know the various things you make mention of here, there's no way in hell they'll trust you. Seriously... either that, or they know more than you think they know, and that's why they seem to shelter you. Don't be surprised if you have few secrets from your parents...
Either way, I think seeing a counselor would probably be an excellent idea, as I highly doubt my opinions will really be able to sway you, or make you understand. Also, I'm certainly not intimate with your situation, nor do I really know you, so all I have to go by is what you've typed here, and I could be reading your tone wrong - I could be getting entirely the wrong impression. I mean, it really does sound like you need to seek some professional help to try to get some of your life straightened out.
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Ok so I use to play an instrumiment it was the fluet how ever you spell it. But i want to play drums or guitar my dad says no becasue I'll
quite like last time .The only thing i've tryed something and quite was the fluet which was like 3 to 4 years ago. I love the way drums, guitar and some other things sound when I grow up want to be some one who makes up beats. But he said i don't have a good enough reson. I listen to music 3 hours a day(screamo kind)my dad also said he doesnt want me playing drums and guitar cuz there loud . I told him if doesn't let me do anything how I'm I ,going to know what I like if he doesn't let me try. Can you guys give me a good reason that might change the way my dad thinks about drums and guitar? (link)
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You need to prove to them that this is something you intend to stick with for a while.
If you're truly serious about guitar, suggest getting an acoustic guitar as a compromise. It would be quieter and by playing it, show that you mean to stick with it.
As far as drums go... buy a pair of sticks and just play on a bucket, or a board, or something that you can keep quiet. And once more, prove that you really mean to stick with it.
And by "sticking with it" a week of playing is meaningless... you have to show dedication and determination - that means practicing for hours on a regular basis.
Otherwise, you're dad's comments to you are correct and well-founded.
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okay this is semi long so i am sorry but i really want advice: my mom died when i was 3 and i went to SO MUCH counseling. family,alone you name it. i stopped around the end of 3rd grade. but now that i am a teenager i realize how much i want/need a mother figure. i have my grandmother and i love her dearly but its not the same. i try to talk to my friends but they cant really relate and i feel bad making my problems their problems. i sort of want to go back to counseling but it costs SO MUCH and i am not sure i need it....
help me please? (link)
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Well, counseling or not, you need a confidant. You need someone you can confide in, an adult figure, a mother-figure, you can lean on. I can see how seeing a counselor has a stigma on it, and they're paid to hear you, so it just isn't the same... but is there someone, a teacher, a friend's mom, an aunt... someone? It isn't so much them becoming the mother you lost, but someone you can trust, someone you have strong ties to, someone that you feel comfortable with.
No matter what, though, I wish you luck in your search.
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Here's the deal. I am 21/f. My mother and father are divorced. My father has a son (with another woman) and he has my little brother(with my mom) my whole brother stays with my mom. Every since they split 10 years ago my father has not been doing much of anything for my brother. He only gives him something on christmas and his birthday. He hardly ever sees him and I am furious. I feel he should pay child support to my mother for my whole brother. My momma is having to carry all the weight that he should be sharing. My half brother gets to see daddy all the time. Why should my half brother get all and my whole brother gets next to nothing. If it matters My half brother is 13 (born out of wedlock) and my whole brother is 12) Should I push her to stick him for child support. She feels that since my dad and my step mom raised me she has no right because he didn't stick her for child support. My mom did things for me though. Should I push her or just back off.
The lack of money is keeping my brother from things he would rather do like piano lessons, boy scouts and movie going. I don't think its fair. Help me decide! (link)
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Have you tried dropping subtle hints to your father? Like, hey, you know (brother) would like piano lessons... I don't think mom can afford them, though. Then cough really loudly ;)
I'm not sure it is fair to try to pressure your mom into forcing child support payments - it is fair to continue to talk to her about it, and it would also be fair for you to talk to your father about it, and mention that there is a noticable lack of attention paid to your brother, who is still your father's son, wether he likes it or not.
Child support payments becomes a legal issue, and there may well be reasons for your mom to not seek it. I would carefully try to discuss the issue with both sides - you're 21, hopefully your parents will at least be willing to hear you out, so long as you tread ground lightly and try not to push any family/political buttons.
No matter what, though, good luck, and I hope your litle brother appreciates how much you care about him.
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what do you do as a parent about your young teenage daughter who cannot control their mouths or do what you ask of them..and all they ever want is to shop wat is up with that? (link)
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You are making me sooooo grateful that I only have 2.5 boys... (so far, anyway)
The teenage years... man, I was waaay to easy on my parents... I did not prepare them for my brother or sister. ;)
The inability to control her mouth is all about asserting herself - rebelling for the sake of rebelling to try to be in a state of control. Also, it can be to try to put on airs of superiority or to have continual attention. As for how best to deal with it? gah... no clue... Ignoring it is one possibility, punishment is another - it is going to really depend on the girl's personality and how she responds to such forms of feedback.
As far as shoppig goes - if she has no money, she can't shop. Make her grateful for what she has, make her understand how to separate what she needs from what she wants.
man... now I fear what my kids are going to become in about 7 years or so...
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My brother and I are nine years apart but we get along great and I love him to death. Over the years my brother has been with a few girls and I've always got along with them. But his new girlfriend (he live with her at her moms house because we moved and there was no room) but anyways we dont get along I mean I try to like her but shes a bitch to me and my friends. My best friend shes like my sister she considers mty bro her bro and my bros girlfriend is always a bitch when shes around. She is very stuck up and im afraid my brother is going to be with her for a long time.......What should I do I want to like her but I cant.
Dont say im jelous or protective of my bro because no matter what ill be happy for him. HELP!! (link)
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A few people have already said this, but I'll add to the masses: Sit your brother down and try to talk to him about it. Just keep in mind that he might get defensive over it, trying to stand up for his girlfriend - but if you present your case carefully and logically, without trying to attack her, you might drive the message home, and maybe your brother will be able to deliver that message to her. For all we know, the girlfriend's attitude might be her defense mechanism for feeling like she's not accepted - hard to say.
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Hey i am 14 and my dad doesnt trust me AT ALL! Is there a way for parents to read what you wrote to other people on aim? If there is, how do I turn it off, or make it so my dad cant read what i am saying? Also, how do i get him to trust me more?? Thanx, eX 0h (link)
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There is software that allows people to record everything that takes place - from your reports, to email to IMing people. This software can be installed either directly on your computer, or if you're on a network, on another system that can monitor all your activity. You will never know it is running.
As far as gaining more trust, well... do things that prove you're trustworthy. Ok, yeah... that's an oversimplification, but I don't know your dad, so I don't know what he thinks - it could just be general parent-of-a-teen paranoia, or he could have other motives... I really don't know... but you're best off proving that you're dependable and responsible with what you choose to do and how you do it.
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I want to be carefree, go to another country like japan, have a decent job, get a girlfriend, do whatever i want and never think of tomorrow or yesterday (while im still young). However, I want to be able support my parents so they can enjoy their life w/o breaking their back at work, because they went through so many and suffered so much to brought the family to US and had worked for the past 30yrs plus. So all there is in my head is "find some way or job that pay ALOT, so my parents doesn't have to work," but deep down in my heart, i felt that im being held back by my own self, from what i really want to do. I dont want to abandon my parent, but i also want to enjoy my youth (im 20 btw). Unfortunately, i decided to sacrafice my youth and try to find some way to get rich so i can support my parents..... I don't really have a question for u advisors, because i know what i have to do. I just want to hear ur advice in general,maybe there's miracle way to solve my problems......... (link)
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So, you want to do whatever you want and have no worries...
don't we all.
But you know what? It doesn't happen. You'll always have some sort of worries, going to Japan won't fix anything, hell, my sister is over in Chine... she's now burned out form living in Taiwan, and thinks going to mainland China is the answer - yeah, she's a slow learner in that regard. She doesn't know what to do in life because she wants someone else to tell her what to do... yet she's 25 with two older brothers... she's an adult, she has to live her own life, and no matter what she does, she has to live with her choices, because the choices are hers alone.
So, you have to choose trying to chase a "dream" that isn't even a concrete goal (I mean, aspiring to be an actor, or becoming a doctor... that's something concrete, that's attainable - you've listed no such thing) or you can choose to start making real choices - choices where you have to balance career and family, choices where you have to set goals for yourself and work to accomplish them.
So yeah, go find a job that pays "a lot"... and hope that the job doesn't get cut, or that your department isn't out-sourced or off-shored... hope that the company doesn't go belly-up... etc etc etc.
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How do you get your husband away from the t.v. and spend time with the children? (link)
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Unplug the TV, or have the kids attack him... really. It works.
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dear advicenators,
can u please shatter some myth about the west? yeah i mean especially u.s.a, is the life very easy outhere? is education very flexible and simple? are people here very carefree?do people care about knowing other cultures etc? is marraige just a certificate for legal sex? u get married today and divorced tomorrow?do movies reflect the real u.s.a.? (link)
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Movies tell you nothing about the USA.
There are still devout couples here. Really, I swear. Divorce is an all-too convenient way for many to stop working at their relationship. And no, marriage isn't really a certificate for legal sex. You can have sex without getting married perfectly legally. Marriage is about committment, though many have forgotten that.
Carefree? I suppose at times it can be. It can also be horridly stressful as the economy continues to do diddly-squat, job loss is everywhere, and finding a new job is hard as all hell as giant-ass corporations continue to cut jobs as a cost-savings, or ship jobs overseas for cheaper labor, only to get burned on it later in other ways.
Many of us do like to learn about other cultures. I have pursued the knowledge of my family tree as far back as we are able to take it. Culture and ethnicity are definitely a shaping factor, and are deserving of study. That said, there are also many ignorant buffoons who know only about the small town they grew up in, and enjoy not knowing jack-shit about the world around them.
Life being easy is just a matter of perception. Yeah, as opposed to some nations, we do have it easy. But that doesn't mean we don't have to work for it. It just happens that the high-profile people who make the news are the rich and famous, so they give this false impression that they are what represents America, as opposed to those of us who live more "mundane" lives. Of course, all that crap and needing to work doesn't stop me from playing in a band in my spare time, playing with my kids, and trying to pursue my various hobbies when I can.
Our education system is in upheaval right now. I really feel qutie badly for the kids caught up in the mess. The Federal government is really helping screw things up (a la the No Child Gets Left Behind Act - a total farce). College tuition is skyrocketing, making those of us with young children fear what getting a degree is going to cost in 15 years. I graduated college only 10 years ago... and the cost of my alma mater has gone up about 40% since then - totally absurd. And yet, there are higher priced institutions...
As far as eductaion being simple? That's a matter of perspective and what the goals are in learning. Not all the schools here are the same. Some excel in some areas while they lack in others. Some schools are underfunded, understaffed, and therefore underperform. There is no simple answer to that.
Carefree? Stress abounds, either in the workplace, in schools, in society in general, in our economic outlook, in our personal finanaces, everywhere. Being carefree isn't so much handed to you, as it is an option to try to convince yourself to behave that way. Again, there are those out there who have it much worse than us, there are those living in poverty, those living under tyranny and dictatorships who purposefully suppress their people, there are those who have nearly no rights and are just cogs in a machine - so in that respect, hell, we have it great. But for anyone to think that means that they can just show up here and *boom* they have it made... well, they are fooling themselves.
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Im doing so bad in school! I have an F, a D, and the rest are all C's and B's..my mom keeps saying if i dont bring my grades up (she said this when i got my last report card which wasnt as bad as this one) that she will not let me do anythingg besides my school work and after school activities! Ugh..i cannot imagine what i am going to say to my mom that im FAILING? Has anyone ever done/said anything that works? Also how do i stop procrastinating and STUDY&do homework?? (link)
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To stop procrastinating: get some self control and some discipline. No one can tell you any magic tricks to get your ass in gear - that can only come from you and you finding a way to keep yourself motivated. Clearly, fear of failing isn't motivating you. Perhaps fear of having no social life will motivate you more successfully.
I highly doubt that you'll be able to con your mom... I'm sorry, I mean convince your mother into allowing you to carry on as if nothing has happened.
You realize that you're failing, yet it appears that you are doing absolutely nothing about it. That would make it entirely your own fault. You have to find a way to focus on your grades and to get things back on track - set schedules for yourself. Submit yourself to disciplined studying practices. Perhaps look into getting a tutor. But no matter what, it has to come from you. No one but you can fix your situation.
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