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Overbearing Parents
I recently started dating a guy with a very very close family. I am 22, he is 24, and still living with his parents while he saves up to buy a house. The problem is that I'm starting to see signs of his parents making too many decisions for his life.
First of all, he is christian, and quite religious. Me and him have made the decision to wait to have sex, at least for now. I think this is a personal decision that is between me and him.
He stays at my house sometimes, and has already slept in the same bed at me while staying at my mothers house, at my house, and at my sisters house. There is not a problem with this because we are both adults, and are very capable of making out own decisions.
But, recently he told me that he doesn't think he should stay at my house anymore because his parents are already getting suspicious. He has already told him that we're not having sex, but, apparently, they don't believe him, and are trying to stop anything from happening.
Another thing is that I'm planning a trip to Florida, and he really wants to go. He is allowed two weeks vacation from work, and would only need one week. The problem is that he works for his father. I would not see a problem if his father told him "I don't think I can give you the time off, because I need your help here" But, instead, he said "I don't think you should go because you need to save your money"
This guy is 24 and is capable of making his own decisions on where he sleeps at night and what he spends his own money on.
I'm wondering how I could make this clear to him, that it bothers me, without making it uncomfortable. I do not want to make things uncomfortable for me and his parents, him and his paretns, or me and him. Any advice would be much appreciated.
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I do not think that you are being unreasonable, but there is no nice way to talk about this. This guy is being led by his parents, and he may not evne want to grow up. When is he planing on buying this house? Next month or in two years? If things are serious between you guys and his stay with his parents apears to be finite then let things go for now. Realize, though, that until he deicdes to change he will always be strongly infludenced by what his parents tell him to do (especially since he works with his dad). If you explain that he (and this trip) means a lot to you, and that you feel that he should be able to decide weather or not he goes. If he still is not able to leave then realize that he is 24, and if he is not willing to get some backbone now, then he may never be willing.
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I don't think you are over-reacting. It seems like you and your boyfriend are on slightly different wavelengths. If he was not sleeping with you or not going to Florida with you because HE didnt want to - it would be easier for you to deal with that. But at 24, he should be more separated from his parents. It is true that as long as he is living at home he should respect their wishes, but they seem to be taking it a bit far and he seems too easily swayed by them. How much longer is it until he can move out? If that is a very real goal in the near future, hope it changes when he is a free man.
In the meantime, you are perfectly within your rights to tell him in a gentle and kind way how you feel. One thing to bear in mind is how well he listens to your feelings, especially if this is a long term relationship. You dont want to have to always struggle for your voice to be heard over his parents.
I hope it works out well for you and you can have a nice trip to Florida with him!
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This is one of those wonderful situations that don't have an easy solution (if any). You could explain to him how you feel, but that would cause him to feel as though you're trying to seperate him from his parents, which doesn't seem from your description to be a viable option.
I cant't think of anything better than dinohunter41's idea. Having a straight up talk with the mother in an informal situation such as mentioned could do a lot. Provided that she is a reasonable person, which is never garunteed, she should believe you. If she doesn't you're probably looking at a lot more trouble in the future, but she can and likely will do a lot to ease the situation.
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ok, yeah... ouch... he's 24... it is well past the time to be cutting himself loose and live his own life.
Admittedly, being not very intimate with the actual situation, I can only run on things I've seen happen with others - and that has been everything from the adult child continuing to submit to every whim of their parents to the person pulling a 180 and totally alientating their parents, causing large-scale family drama. Obviously, neither of those extremes are desirable.
I mean, you're in a relationship with him, so only you know how and what you're able to discuss with him... but I would hope that, even though this is a touchy subject, you are able to point out your observations and push back. I mean, it is your relationship and HIS relationship... not his parents'... you're allowed to be "selfish" in this regard - you are trying to deepen your bond with him it would seem, and I do not blame you for being uncomfortable. Speak out and make your position clear.
He's got to live his own life, and he's got to make his own decisions, especially regarding your relationship.
You've got the insight on him, you've got the read, so I can't give you anything more specific other than to say that I feel you really need to push back... maybe not hard at first, but you need to make your position known and understood by him.
Good luck.
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It sounds like his parents have made major decisions for him before, and now it is just the norm. He probably figures his parents cannot steer him wrong or even that living in their house means they still have control over his life. As for his parents assuming he is having sex, so he doesn't want to stay over any longer - I'm sure that if they figure you are already having sex, you won't just stop having sex if he no longer stays over somewhere with you. That is an issue his parents have, and I don't think him not staying over anymore will solve it anyways, so he shouldn't stop unless you decided you didn't want him to, etc. As for telling him this, just say, flat out, that not staying over at your house and such will not change how his parents think, and that you really don't want to stop spending that time with him just because his parents aren't sure of how to trust him. As for this trip, it sounds like he could really use the week away from his parents. Work out exactly how much it will cost him, or at least a good idea of how much it will cost. Then this guy can show this to his father and tell him that he works hard enough all year to deserve a break, and that he can clearly afford the cost, which I doubt is too excessive. I guess the only other thing I can suggest is that you suggest these things to him, but don't tell him what to do either, because it is clear that he has enough people trying to run his life already. If he decides not to take your advice, and listens to his parents, try to take into account that he still lives under their roof, and it is probably just second nature that he always listen to their advice, so go easy on him. When he has finally saved up the money to buy himself a house, I would hope that the independence he would then have would allow him to make lots of his own decisions and maybe let go of the idea that his parents are the final say or the best say.
Yay you rule.
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You say he is quite religious...are you not as zealous as he is about it? I ask this because some people go all out and a little overboard (in my personal opinion).I mean it literally controls every aspect of their lives. They are good people but very difficult to deal with if you don't feel the same. I have relatives who are this way...you can do absolutely nothing to change their opinions and all yours are wrong.
You are absolutely correct when you say that he should be making his own decisions. BUT, he is 24 and he hasn't begun yet...I'm sorry to say that he probably never will, not the way you'd like him to anyway. All decisions will probably be discussed with his parents beforehand.Including who he marries etc.
Storage was right when he said buying a house isn't really something that you save the money for. A down payment maybe, but not the entire cost. I think this may be an excuse for the parents to keep him at home, and he must be agreeable.
I think he probably really likes you, but I also think that his parents have the upper hand. I think that since he hasn't changed that by the age of 24 you may want to do some serious thinking about whether or not you want to pursue the relationship further. I really don't see it lasting much longer unless you are willing to go along with his parents (and his) way of thinking. :)
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Ah, the repercussions of being raised by controlling, crazy parents.
First off, how long is it going to take him to save up for a house? That's the type of thing you make payments for in a really long time, isn't it? Not something you just save up for and live with your parents until then. That's a little odd to me.
Well, from what I've heard about this guy, he isn't stupid. I'm fairly confident that he can see this is bothering you without you telling him anything, though I'm sure talking about it wouldn't hurt.
As for changing anything to better the situation, I'm not sure that's possible. You aren't going to change the minds of controlling parents. The only other way is to break him away from his parents, which I'm sure you don't want to do. It's possible that in this situation, you may have to approach it as you would a high school student.
"Can you hang out tonight?"
"I want to, but I'm grounded."
"Oh, that sucks. Parents can be a real drag."
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Wow where to start. Well you helped me so I will return the favor best I can. Well first thing I would do is try to do is maybe take his mom out to a lunch and have a 1 on 1 talk with her about how things that are going on make you feel. Tell her how much you love the guy and just how happy he makes you. Let her know just how much better things would be with her trust and support by your side. Then what you need to do is maybe sit down with your man and tell him exactly how this stuff is making you feel. He should be able to understand it but if not id say its going to be hard cause the religion is big believe me I know how serious it makes some people, but if he understands hes going to have to sit with his parents and explain how he feels having you in his life and how nice it is. Sry if this isnt making since im talking to a friend whos 2 month old baby died today from heart problems when she was born. Thing is he is the key in this. He needs to put a foot down and show his parents hes ready to be serious in life and that hes an adult now. I honestly dont think they realize that cause I still live at home at 21 and my mom still yells at me for nothing and asks a million questions when a girl calls lol. Well im sure my advice sucks cause im not in the greatest of modes at the moment but u have my aim we can talk there sometime. Enjoy your trip for florida.
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Ok you may not like my advice, but its the best advice I can give you.
You need to sit your boyfriend down and tell him whats bothering you, because if you cant do that then how are you and him gonna make it in the long run? Just make it clear to him that you dont hate his parents, you just think he is old enough to make his own decisions without his parents running his life. If that was my boyfriend I would sit him down and be like this is getting out of hand, not that I dont like your parents but we are both old enough and mature enough to make our own decisions now, our parents cant tell us what to do for forever. What your b/f needs to do is stand up to his parents. Cause without standing up to them, they are just gonna think they can run all over him. He needs to tell them to not worry about his life. Even if he is going to be mean to them, either way his parents are going to eventually learn and back off, if he says something. And if it doesnt work, then he should move out as soon as he possibly can. Because even though they are his parents its none of their buisness on how he runs his life. I know they are probably watching out for him, but since he's 24 they are still treating him like a little kid. I hope everything works out for you :-)
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This is a hard situation because guys will undoubtedly listen to their parents over their girlfriend/boyfriend. I went through a similar situation with my, now, in-laws. Don't bother going to the parents and trying to say anything to them, this will only make things worse and then they will think you are trying to change their son for the worse. Your best bet is to go straight to him and be honest, tell him that you feel he is still living under his parents rule and it worries you. He is obviously a capable man, able to make decisions and don't forget to tell him that either. Pride him on the relationship that he has with his parents, but also make it clear that you don't appreciate them controlling your relationship. And no, I don't think you are being unreasonable.
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i don't know if this would work but you could print off what you just said and "accidently" leave it somewhere and when he comes round he would see it or even write in a diary or somewhere in your own words pretending it's to someone else when he see's your feelings he will really care and talk to you about it..
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