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My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.
advice
I have recently made a decision that I feel is right, but I want to know what you all think of it. It's kind of one of those decisions where it feels like no matter what you do, it's wrong.
I have a rather toxic father who I don't have much of a relationship with. He's rude, ill tempered, intimidating, verbally abusive, selfish, thoughtless, and just downright cold. and you can't call him out on anything because he is completely delusional when it comes to his own image of himself.
Ever since he started having grandchildren, he has wanted to become closer with the family. He wants us all to spend more time together, which I suppose is pretty nice, but there's a problem. I feel bad saying this, but I don't want my children turning out anything like him. He has been a bad influence on my nephew, so I feel a need to keep my kids away from him so they won't learn any of his bad habits or behaviors. At the same time, though, I USED to feel that I had to let him around them some because it felt cruel keeping him away from them completely when he wanted so badly to have a relationship with them. However, something has happened that makes me feel that I don't want them around him at all anymore.
Last sunday was Mother's Day and it sucked thanks to my dad. My sister and nephew flew in for the weekend (I still live in my hometown BTW). Long story short, my parents got in an argument over God knows what and my dad just screamed bloody murder at my mom for a large part of our Mother's Day celebration. Now, losing his temper and screaming was on thing, but he also used absolutely filthy language, which makes me angry. I'm sure some people think I'm a total prude, but I despise foul language. It's offensive, it sounds unintelligent and lazy (you don't have or want to get a bigger vocabulary so you just use foul language to express yourself), it sounds trashy, it's a thoughtless and irresponsible thing to do in front of children as it sets a bad example, and it shows a lack of self control.
I DO NOT want my children to learn to use bad language, but my dad lacks so much self control that I don't trust him not to lose his temper and scream despicable language in front of them again. I can't count how many times he used the terms, f---, f---ing, mother f---er, god--mn, bulls--t, and other such words during his diatribe against my mom last sunday. I also can't count how very many times I've heard him call my mom a b--ch. I do not want my sons to learn to talk to women, especially their wives like that nor do I want my daughters to speak like that to their husbands. I don't any of my children to use language like that against anyone ever. It's disgusting.
Aside from the bad language, he also nearly caused a car accident by driving like an idiot because he was angry. He's done that for as long as I can remember, he gets mad and cares about absolutely nothing except venting his anger, not even the safety of his family. I can't tell you how mad this makes me. Driving like that with just me in the car is angering, doing it with my mom in the car is infuriating, but doing it with my children in the car is not something I will tolerate ever again. I am like a momma bear and my children are like my cubs. I am like a momma bear and my children are like my cubs. I am fiercely protective of them. If you put one of my cubs in danger and momma bear WILL make you sorry. I'm about to make my dad sorry by not letting him spend time with my children ever again and definitely not letting them ride in a car with him again, but I'm worried about whether or not that's the right thing to do.
It's not just the foul language and the poor driving. It's also that my dad can be a mean, hateful old man and I don't want to give him the chance to hurt my children the way he's hurt the rest of us. He's verbally abusive. He has a way of making you feel like nothing, making you ashamed of yourself and he absolutely has a way of making you feel like he cares nothing about you and you could die for all he cares. He and I have practically no relationship and I feel miserable when I'm around him.
I know he does care about getting to see my kids, but I've watched him hurt and be a bad influence on my nephew over the years and it makes me feel the need to keep him away from my kids. The momma bear instincts kick in and I feel a need to protect them from him by never letting him anywhere near them every again. They would still get to see my mom as my parents are rarely around each other and they have another gramdpa in their lives who is a wonderful man and a good influence, but I still feel guilty keeping my dad away from them. What are your thoughts on my situation?
Don't feel guilty you have every right to protect your children from danger and your father is dangerous. From what you have written your father is verbally abusive. Verbal abuse is just as hurtful as physical abuse. No one should be abused in this manner.
Now he will say something to the fact that you turned out okay and you were raised in his house. You’re not okay; I and my sister were not okay because we were raised in a home with a mentally abusive father. Both of us spent years in therapy to fix what he did to us. I started therapy because I was in an auto accident that forced med to retire early. My therapist saw something or felt I was holding something back. She kept pecking away at it until it all came out one afternoon.
Your responsibility is to protect you children from harm. If that means keeping your children from having a relationship with your father then that's what you do. You’re not alone in doing so Prince William of England does not allow his stepmother to interact with his children and the world knows this.
I do have a suggestion for you. Having gone through therapy and having dealt with what I tucked away so as not to hurt me, I suggest you find a good psychologist and deal with the hurt your father has inflicted on you. I feel much better about myself and I am a better father and husband then I was before I dealt with it.
(Rating: 5) Thank you so much. You have given me such great advice that I know will be such a huge help to me in dealing with my problem. I will do as you have advised me to and I really appreciate you taking the time to read my question and help me with this problem. Thanks again.