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June 18, 2009Answers:
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My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.
advice
So I got engaged yesterday. It was super sweet. He asked me in front of everyone. But honestly I felt obligated to say yes. I am scared. I love him so much but I have been married and divorced and I couldn't imagine going through it again. I am terrified. I am having doubts but I don't want to break his heart.... or my own. I know if I lost him I would be devastated but I know how bad marriage can be. What do I do? Should I see a therapist? I feel so confused and lost right now. On top of that my dad died I cant imagine him not being there. gosh Life is hard. Help please
Yes see a therapist will be very helpful to you. If you have health insurance through work then you probably have and employee assistance program. This program will not only helps you find a (EAP)therapist it generally pays for the first few visits then your insurance will cover as described in the coverage contract.
IF you don't have an EAP and you live at home and you mother works and her company has one the plan covers anyone under her roof. The same is true if you live with your fiancée and his employer has EAP coverage.
Next one bad marriage should not ruin you for life. My niece had a bad marriage and was sure she would never remarry. That was six years ago one 4 year old child and a very happy marriage. My nephew in-law is head over heal in love with her. They have a beautiful home. They travel even with my great nephew as an infant he traveled papoose style on daddy's back across Europe and London hen to New Zealand. In December they are going back to New Zealand and taking my sister and my other niece with them.
I'm not telling you this to make you jealous. I'm telling you this to point out that not every guy is a dud. There are a lot of great guys out there and it sounds like you may have found one.
I suggest the following.
1. Seek out a good therapist; you will probably be more comfortable with a woman so ask for one when you contact EAP or your doctor or insurance company for a referral. You won't need a medical referral but your doctor might know of someone he or she trusts.
2. At this point don't be in a rush to the alter. There is nothing wrong with long engagements. You’re going to need time to save for the wedding anyway.
3. If you are not already living with your fiancée then consider doing so. But only after you have talked it over with your therapist.
4. My condolences on the loss of your father. You need tome to grieve. We ask grieve differently and there are 5 to seven stages of grief. You need to go through all the stages, this takes time.
5. Last sit down with your fiancée and explain to him your fears and what you’re doing to overcome them. If you haven't told him what caused your divorce now is the time to do so. Last thing is to ask him if he will attend some therapy sessions with you. If he is the man you describe he will say yes. This will be the signal you need to see to know this is a man who is different from your ex and you can have a life with him.
(Rating: 5) Thank you. He is a really good man and could do great things for my life. I think i fell so hard for him because he is so much like my father the greatest man I've ever known. I am definitely going to take your advice