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My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.

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My current boyfriend who I fell in love with over the last 3 months has had a terrible childhood which left him with some big fears and insecurities inside. This is now putting a huge strain on our relationship as his inability to trust is coming out in full force.

First, his dad left when he was 5 or 6 years old, but not left in a I'm divorcing your mother I'll be down the street kind of way, just disappeared from his life and he never knew anything of him again. (Recently after 20 years he found him finally in another country after years of looking and they had a nice chat but obviously that's not really his father anymore it's a stranger to him)

Then, his mother begins to drink heavily, she becomes an alcoholic + promiscuous. He recalls many people she would bring home that he could hear them and how sometimes she would tell him and his little sister that she would be right back and disappear for days. Other times she would be too drunk to respond to him in a calm way so there was some abuse and name calling and hurtful things there too. (He recently after going to therapy with his mom was able to finally forgive her)

He had to basically raise his little sister by himself with the help of his grandparents (which he respects very much) but which are not very loving or warm and never provided him with more than financial help (I've met them they are very reserved almost cold - *Swedish roots)

So, all his life he has never received love, he doesn't know how to receive it. But I fell in love with him because he , despite all of this, is a genuinely good kindhearted person. He helps everyone, he cares about the earth, he cares about people. He is wonderful. He just doesn't know how to accept love.

And from what I'm seeing now that we are together for a while, he always has an innate fear that when he finds love it will leave him. This translates into - insecurities in the relationship, constantly checking to make sure I still love him, trust issues so deep about cheating (though I've never and would never). It is something I told him I was willing to work in with him.

But he takes it to a whole new level, and I know, I know very well that we can't no matter what we do give people security. That comes from inside them. I can't fix this. I know that.

Now my question is, what CAN I do? How do I handle the constant doubting and fears (it does put a toll you know) and he does deserve to have love , he craves it he wishes it so much. He always says I'm an angel sent from somewhere to bring so much love to his life and the best thing that has happened to him, but when he drinks and often when he doesn't drink too, he starts to doubt me, how much I love him, he starts to ask if I am going to leave him, if I'm always honest with him etc etc ..... what CAN I do? If I want to be with him for this not to destroy us eventually?

Let me first say you are a wonderful kin hearted person to want to do this for him. It is not going to be easy to help someone to overcome these insecurities and to learn to love. You need to be a strong woman and you need to have thick skin for his insecurities will be taken out on you. In the end though it will be worth it for the love he returns will be strong and long lasting.

That being said this is something you cannot do alone. He has been to therapy with his mother. Now he needs therapy to help himself. The two of you should go together. He needs to see the therapist alone then you need to see the therapist to find out what you need to do to help him and to have someone to talk to about how all of the work your doing for him is wearing on you.

In a sense you are going to be rebirthing him and teaching to love and trust. This is going to take time as learning to trust as an adult does not come easy.

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(Rating: 5) Thank you for taking the time to answer, and thank you for the hopeful response. Its good to know that there is a way out of this.
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