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Boyfriends abuse is impeding our relationship
My current boyfriend who I fell in love with over the last 3 months has had a terrible childhood which left him with some big fears and insecurities inside. This is now putting a huge strain on our relationship as his inability to trust is coming out in full force.
First, his dad left when he was 5 or 6 years old, but not left in a I'm divorcing your mother I'll be down the street kind of way, just disappeared from his life and he never knew anything of him again. (Recently after 20 years he found him finally in another country after years of looking and they had a nice chat but obviously that's not really his father anymore it's a stranger to him)
Then, his mother begins to drink heavily, she becomes an alcoholic + promiscuous. He recalls many people she would bring home that he could hear them and how sometimes she would tell him and his little sister that she would be right back and disappear for days. Other times she would be too drunk to respond to him in a calm way so there was some abuse and name calling and hurtful things there too. (He recently after going to therapy with his mom was able to finally forgive her)
He had to basically raise his little sister by himself with the help of his grandparents (which he respects very much) but which are not very loving or warm and never provided him with more than financial help (I've met them they are very reserved almost cold - *Swedish roots)
So, all his life he has never received love, he doesn't know how to receive it. But I fell in love with him because he , despite all of this, is a genuinely good kindhearted person. He helps everyone, he cares about the earth, he cares about people. He is wonderful. He just doesn't know how to accept love.
And from what I'm seeing now that we are together for a while, he always has an innate fear that when he finds love it will leave him. This translates into - insecurities in the relationship, constantly checking to make sure I still love him, trust issues so deep about cheating (though I've never and would never). It is something I told him I was willing to work in with him.
But he takes it to a whole new level, and I know, I know very well that we can't no matter what we do give people security. That comes from inside them. I can't fix this. I know that.
Now my question is, what CAN I do? How do I handle the constant doubting and fears (it does put a toll you know) and he does deserve to have love , he craves it he wishes it so much. He always says I'm an angel sent from somewhere to bring so much love to his life and the best thing that has happened to him, but when he drinks and often when he doesn't drink too, he starts to doubt me, how much I love him, he starts to ask if I am going to leave him, if I'm always honest with him etc etc ..... what CAN I do? If I want to be with him for this not to destroy us eventually?
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Let me first say you are a wonderful kin hearted person to want to do this for him. It is not going to be easy to help someone to overcome these insecurities and to learn to love. You need to be a strong woman and you need to have thick skin for his insecurities will be taken out on you. In the end though it will be worth it for the love he returns will be strong and long lasting.
That being said this is something you cannot do alone. He has been to therapy with his mother. Now he needs therapy to help himself. The two of you should go together. He needs to see the therapist alone then you need to see the therapist to find out what you need to do to help him and to have someone to talk to about how all of the work your doing for him is wearing on you.
In a sense you are going to be rebirthing him and teaching to love and trust. This is going to take time as learning to trust as an adult does not come easy.
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Oh hon, I know this situation all too well, I've gone thru it too. As to what you can do, the short answer is to encourage him to go to see a counselor. I am sure you or he may not want to do that, it sounds drastic...I know. But here's the rest of the information, as to why I say that. I had an ex husband I'll call Mark. Mark would treat me like crap, verbally abusing me. He did not come out and say he thought I might leave him but I got cards from him with the same praise for sticking with him, thanking me for loving and being such an angel and promising to do better for me. It was a nasty cycle that kept repeating and repeating. It doesn't sound like you are being physically or emotionally/verbally abused. However I was verbally abused until the very end of our marriage when he began to forcefully push and shove me just because he was angry. We were church going christians and he did everything, joining mens groups that were fashioned to help men become better husbands and fathers. He really did try but unknown to him or me, there were things lurking in his childhood as well as another issue, that were working against him.
So here's what we learned at the end of our marriage when we both went to see a psychologist for him. I got to talk to the psychologist as well, giving my take on things. What the Dr. discovered is that, like your bf, Mark was afraid that in his entire life time, that he would always be abandoned by females. The Dr based this on stories he got from Mark himself. It started in childhood when he overheard a Dr. telling his Dad in hospital waiting room that his Mom might not pull through and may die. He grew an unnatural fear that even after recovery, his Mom would leave the family one day. When that did not happen, during his teen years with dating, he couldn't hold onto a girlfriend. For some reason they all kept leaving him. It wasn't until Mark married me when he was 24 that someone stayed with him. Why did I stay? Two fold: one being that in the beginning I loved him. Two being that in the church we were taught that divorce is wrong and to trust God to heal our marriage. So I stuck with it long after the abuse had slowly chipped away any love I once had. I didn't hate him either mind you, I just no longer loved him. The Dr. realized that through-out our 30 year marriage, he had been unknowingly using a tactic some people use, doing whatever they can to force a situation to help self fulfill his own prophecy that females would always abandon/leave him. So that means Mark had been treating me like crap in order to get me to the point I was so fed up with him that I would leave him, and thus he could claim to himself that he was right all along with his imagined prophecy.
I asked the Dr. what the chances were for improvement in Mark. He told me that even with constant Dr. visits, he may not change at all to the day he died. He had to have the willingness to go and really work on it. Which he did not. He did not want to go see the Dr. in the first place. A nice couple who were new friends for us had the husband, who I'll call Sam, who used to be a counselor in the Army. He know enough to spot that there was a problem with Mark, especially in how he treated me or even his own wife for that matter. He suggested I tell him to go see a counselor. I burst out crying and telling him that it would not work because another psych. thing some people do who know there is something wrong but too afraid to see a Dr to find out what, will do a distraction tactic and keep pointing the finger at others, mainly me tho, to say that we are the problem, not him, telling others in public what a terrible wife I was to get along with.
Mark only went to see a counselor because Sam insisted it was important. Somewhere along the line he mentioned to Sam that he just merely going along with these visits in an effort to keep me but still didn't believe there was anything wrong with him. When that happened, I finally gave up and left him and divorced.
So what I am saying is that with that kind of traumatic childhood, in this case, not a mental quirk of his own but how he was treated, there is going to definitely be a need to get outside help.
If I could not in 30 years, help him to feel reassured so he could begin to treat me better, I doubt there is anything a person other than a trained psychologist can do. The Dr. felt the same. He dropped seeing the Dr. I met someone else and remarried. I have contact with the ex due to adult children and celebrations of birthdays, holidays, and he has continued to not be able to hold onto any girlfriends. One daughter told me she recently heard he had gone to see a Dr. and it was found that he has Aspergers. He has talked about it and doesnt seem ashamed to try to hide it like the other issues he suffers with because my guess is that it seems more normal, like not a mental disorder but he catagorizes it more like a learning disorder like dyslexia or even ADD. My current husband has no issues with my ex, but he has taken psychology in school and almost but didnt go to get a psychology degree. So he even sees there is still a main issue. That untreated for this lurking problem that Mark still has, he will continue to have problems with knowing how to have normal relationships with anyone, let alone a gf. This would include his children, other relatives, co workers. Finally I get it why he could never last in a job very long, 2 years at the most before he was let go. I am beginning to think that inter-relational issues between him and boss or coworkers were why he really never lasted at jobs. Mark even told me once of coworkers talking about him in a bad light once when he got to work early and heard them on other side of cubicle wall.
In your case, I believe there is more hope than there was for me. You did not mention any problems with how he treats you other than needing constant reassurance that you won't leave him. You've heard of PTSD i am sure, post traumatic stress disorder. IT is not something that only vets suffer but anyone who has lived through traumatic things, or events in life. Just as those with PTSD require special help from a professional, so will any one else with any kind of traumatic life events in their past, and your bf's certainly qualify for a need for professional help.
Usually, married couples will go see a counselor to save a marriage if possible. But I haven't heard of many dating couples who do that. I can say, it will not go away, no matter what you say or do to reassure him. Hopefully, he will want to go for help. If he doesn't and thinks he can just do more of the same he had to do as a young person, raising his sister, just using a little grit and determination and willpower to get better, then you will have to decide if staying with him is worth it or whether you need to leave because he is adamant about not getting help and you know you can't live with the same old same old for the rest of your life.
Here's a trick I used on that regard to ask myself: Can I stand the same old for the next 6 months, sure...easy...I've already done that. Could I do it for a year or two. Yes, i won't like it but I can hang in there. When I asked myself if I could handle everything the same without any improvement for the next 10 yrs or maybe for the rest of my life, I surprised myself by bursting out crying. I realized I could not emotionally handle that. And there is no reason why anyone else should have to force themselves to stay for someone who doesn't care enough about themselves or their partner for that matter, to become healed to be a better mate for their partner.
I will close with that. I wish you the best dear.
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