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Breakup?
So i have been with my boyfriend that i truly love very much for about 11 months right now. I guess you could say ex boyfriend since we broke up a few days ago..But im a bit confused about how the scenerio went and i wanted to know what you all thought. I am 22 and he is 24. We love and respect one another, in our relationship we've had a lot of issues because of different mindsets. We come from the same culture but i was brought up in America so i have more of an open mind than he does. He is extremely strict when it comes to his culture and believes everything goes back to him being "manly" I had two issues with him. My first issue is that i realized half way during the relationship that we are not compatible ( yes i stayed with him because you can truly love and have deep feelings for someone you aren't compatible with) and i stayed because i felt that hes the best guy i have personally ever dated. He shows me alot of love and care (verbally) which is something that bothered me at some point because i felt like i was always the one doing the planning- the actions. I was doing the little things he liked, he was always always constantly wanting extra care and attention and i always had to provide it- i would go to his work and bring him food, medicine, whatever he needed and i would visit him all the time so we can have some time to hang out together. I do know that his shifts are from 4-12 PM but i have work until 3PM and i always told him he could wake up early and come pick me up and then go to work so that we can spend some time together. (He almost always ignored this) I started getting really unsatisfied with the relationship because i felt like i was doing all the work and that I felt like i didnt have a boyfriend, like a BOYFRIEND to rely on. Yeah, im an independent girl and im responsible and everything but i would love to feel like I have someone to rely on, someone who does the little cute things for me that i want (not just talk and i love you's and kissing and hugging me) all of that is extremely nice, but to know what i like and to do it for me (a simple pick up from work so that i am able to feel like he is doing the same amount of effort) would have changed things even a little. Put in mind that i told him this several times and tried to let him know that i like it if he paid attention to small things like i do and he would say okay and nothing. We do not share the same interest, we dont have much in common but we got along really well. I loved him because i saw that his is more respectful than a lot of guys that i know and he is extremely loyal and i guess those were the two things i really was looking for in a guy and thats why i fell inlove with him. But his lack of responsibility is what turned me off, he was very irresponsible in his life and i was always his mommy figure (hence taking care of him) i always had to lead the way and i felt like i was tired of doing that cause i already do that for myself! I started getting really exhausted with the relationship and needed space but i wouldnt say that unless we got in a fight and he'd be like " i cant believe your asking for space, i never would" He never let me go to pubs with my friends and i told him in the beg. of our relationship that we should be flexible with one another so we don't suffocate eachother as long as theres TRUST between us. He refused and said no, that he can go and that i cant. And then i said no and we argued and then he decided, both of us will not be in those enviroments at all. I agreed and just let it go cause i didnt want to be annoying. After that, i made the decision that both of us should go if there are any events such as (friends birhtdays or engagements) and i dont think theres anything wrong with that. especialy that our friends are going to want us to go to these places to see them) he got mad and agressive and childish and was like no no no! you only want me to go so that you can go! and i said "yes, because we should! i dont see the issue here, what is wrong with being a little flexible? im not telling you i want to go 247 but atleast lets give eachother some space and peace of mind to be ourselves and enjoy our lives, were so young! " and he was like no means no, and then we got into a huge fight and he told me, you dont think of anyone but yourself, and then i yelled and said since the beg of this relationship all i have been thinking about is you, what you need, what you need to do, how i should make YOU happy and i get nothing or barely anything in return-- and he goes WHY? cause i didnt pick you up from work?! and i looked at him and was like YOU SEE, that stuff actually MATTERS to me to feel like your THERE and im not constantly getting out of my way to see you and not the other way around or barely. Then we sat quiet for like an hour in the car.. and i look at him and find that he took out his phone and started playing video games. I told him to take me straight home and then when i got home, he sent me a huge text saying " i dont wanna lose you, you can go where you want and even if you dont want me to, i wont but i get really tired and sad when we fight" I personally ignored the text because i needed some time to think about everything, and then when we talked I told him things are just too much for me and i need my time alone away for a while, and he was like "you dont want me, you dont love me" i said no "i do love you, but this is too much" and we basically broke up 2-3 days ago and he wrote me saying he wants to stay friends and came to see me and we went out but we kept hugging eachother and saying we love eachother, but not trying to fix the issue?? which confused me because ummm.. are you really gonna let me go that easily? without TRYING to solve any of our problems? he knows i think hes wrong and he constantly says "you always think im wrong when im not" and now we are texting once in the morning and once in the evening asking about eachother.. and yesterday he goes "we have to stay like this, stay friends and in eachothers lives" and im sitting here like WHAT? Okay i know what you all are thinking "why do you want this to work out anyways, you said you werent commpatible so it wasnt gonna work out " yes but i do LOVE him and wish he would atleast try to see why i felt this way and try to fix himself. Its so frusturating and upsetting that this is the way hes dealing with things. He keeps saying i miss you and all but i feel like hes being normal. Did he actually wanna be single? or is this a way for him to win me back? thinking hes giving me my space?I really cant understand him. I am so confused. What do i do? I feel like i will regret letting him go but he really did drive me crazy. Thanks for reading this everyone
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I see that you already know what everyone is going to think of him since you spelled it out. I would be no different. However, I am a female and older so I have some experience and knowledge I've picked up along the way. Something I've read recently in a psychologists book to explain the differences in men and women and how it affects relationships stood out and explained a lot as to why women will love and stay with a man who is not a suitable mate is the following: For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them, or is in some way a poor choice for a mate.
I have paraphrased the words of the psychologist but she does get across her point that this feeling of love once a female begins to have a sexual relationship with a guy is what keeps her from seeing reason and seeing how bad a choice the guy might be.
I don't think I need to list all the reasons of what are issues about him. But I am willing to bet that if you are the one who broke up, he is hoping to get you back because he had a good thing going, he did not have to improve on his character to win you, you would take him as he is with this long list of faults. You are not being too picky hon. All the issues you listed and character faults in him are things that will eventually break up any relationship for good. Sometimes it happens after many years where the problems remain the same or increase but the females feelling of love for the man she has chosen, eventually slowly fades away. That happened to me in first marriage. I married at age 20 and discovered even more issues with him as time went along. But I was determined to stay even thought family first fooled by him now saw his true character and advised me to leave me. But I stayed and had 3 kids. As the years went by, at some point I realized I no longer loved him but remained to continue to be his maid and butler, his mommy, his dumping ground, his floor mat, the only cook, house cleaner, up-keeper of yard, the only parent doing any parenting, only chauffer to drive the kids to places they needed to go, the only one to take care of any unexpected things that went wrong like a vandal breaking my car window or the water heater breaking and leaking, etc. etc. The list goes on. He basically made no effort at all, no matter what I said. If I complained, he told me the problem was me, not him. I don't mean to sound bitter, I am not actually. I just feel sorry for him but that experience was actually necessary for me to grow in a certain area I was not aware of. I was sure if someone asked that I loved myself. However I later learned that I did not actually love myself 100% because I was allowing this man to use me as he did. It may not feel like someone using you and thats part of why I was confused and stayed with him so long.
You know he'd take you back, at least it sounds like that. However at the same time, your guy, like my ex, both do not like a strong confident female. It will continue to irritate men like this and they will keep trying and trying to break a female down until she finally gives up and settles for less. I know you don't want to settle for less. You are a smart woman. So you are going to have to trust other women who have been through this stuff before and realize I am not trying to mislead you with how powerful an emotion love is and how in women it can cause us to be confused and though there are issues with a man, believe that due to the feeling of love, that all is not lost and somehow we can work it out. You have certainly tried and met lots of resistance from him. He is waiting to wear you down to come to accept the relationship all on his terms. He does not want a strong woman. My guy didn't either. My new husband does though. He compliments me all the time and practically worships the ground i walk on and would do anything for me and never attempts to change how I believe or feel about something. He is my supporter all the way and believes females actually are way more important than most men are treating them. Yeah, I found a keeper the second time around, but then, take into consideration i was no longer in my early 20s but late forties when I found him. I had more life experience and had learned some things about human nature, basics of psychology, and what is needed to make a relationship work.
I believe the reason he wants to remain friends and stay in touch preferably every day, is hoping that you are merely misguided and while cave in to his ways and views and give up yours. That is not a relationship. That is a dictator. Meaning of dictator: A dictator is someone who has absolute power — or who at least behaves as if they do by bossing others around.
Why are some people dictators? Because they believe that they know whats better for you than you do yourself. They believe that their ideals and rules and ways of life are the only right way to go and that it is their duty to get you to realize this eventually. And if you show any signs of not buying what they say and choose otherwise, then a dictator will force you with whatever harsh methods they deem will work on you to come around to their way and rule.
Maybe dictator is a harsh word to use in a relationship. But I know from plenty women friends who were in similar situations to me that they would agree that their husbands are dictator types and thats why those women with balls, finally left those men.
You are only 22 so you don't have much life experience yet. At that age I felt i was so mature and knew alot. I did...in many area's. But when it came to men and relationships, I knew too little and thats what got me into hot water. Either you decide to trust those of us who have gone thru the same in our lives in the past or you can choose the harder path of going back to him because you have this feeling of love that won't go away and suffer the consequences of being with him. It gets worse once you marry. My ex was actually really nice before we married. Fooled my friends and my Parents and siblings. He did not change until after we married. Even though I am American, and he is too, the ex began to treat me as property, as if he owned me. However he did not punish me other than lots of yelling, belittling me in front of others and verbal abuse along with some pushing and shoving. In some cultures, once married, the man is considered to own the wife, or at least she is not his equal and it is for him to lead and guide her as if she is one of his children, and not an adult partner who should have equal status in the relationship, where what she feels and believes is equally important. I hope you take all this into consideration dear.
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