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My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.
advice
23/f, 29/m
My boyfriend made this comment about me trying out my new toner and he said, “why? your face is already breaking out. Wouldn’t that make you break out more?” Is that supposed to make me feel better? Is that supposed to be some kind of a joke? Because I don’t understand. He tends to make comments like this here and there. Does he expect me to not have a reaction to it? He subtly puts me down and it makes me lose my self-esteem.
The more I started thinking, I know that my counselor told me the signs and her thoughts on him not respecting my boundaries, but I guess that’s true. I keep thinking back on how he was hurting me during sex and I told him, “I thought you’re supposed to be turning me on, not turning me off.” And I said “ow” multiple times. He apologized and eventually stopped. He didn’t stop right away.
When I don’t give him a response that he likes very much, he ignores me or neglects me. Or he only sends me short responses until I apologize. He refuses to tell me how I feel. When I make a point like he’s hiding me from everyone and the relationship, he doesn’t answer. He tells me to be quiet while I’m talking. It makes me feel bad.
Whenever I tell him whatever he's doing doesn't make me feel very good and that he's not appreciating me or is being mean to me, he always backtracks and tells me that he's not being mean. That he supports my career change and he's encouraging me. Him encouraging me doesn't make every other comment or critic okay.
When I discuss something with him, he refuses to answer. When I’m upset, he acts extra affectionate until I act as if I’m okay again and then he treats me in a different pattern. He treats me well in person, but when he’s not next to me, he doesn’t treat me very well. He still makes those comments in person, though. Subtly putting me down.
He has this pattern of him being jealous of whoever I hang out with and he tells me that he’s suspicious. I haven’t done anything to break his trust and when I say that, he gets upset. So I think it’s a reverse psychology and maybe it’s that he doesn’t trust himself and he says it’s nothing like that and gets quiet and tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it.
I think the only person that should be worried, is me. He has done several things to break my trust and I haven’t done anything to him. I’m the one that’s paranoid and curious on who he’s hanging out with because he has broken my trust several times.
What should I do? What can I do?
Only judging by what you have written I would say that YES you are in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship. The fact that he purposely causes you pain during sex bothers me. There is nothing wrong with BDSM or S&M just as long as BOTH Partners are into it.
If one partner says no to a particular sex act or fetish it is not done. The other partner does not do it because they get pleasure from it. Doing so is sexual abuse and he can be arrested for it. The fact that you have told him NO multiple times and he continues worries me that is emotional abuse could turn to physical abuse as well.
The symptoms are there from what you have written that he is a controller. He is already emotionally abusing you. It is not that much of a step to physical abuse and you can be greatly harmed.
Normally I would answer with suggestions for you to think about and allow you to make up your own mind. I will make an exception in this instances and tell you that I believe the best course of action for you is to leave him even if it means moving back in with your parents while you find a place to live. The sooner you leave him or throw him out the safer you will be and you can start to rebuild your self-esteem.
(Rating: 5) You're the only one who came back with straight forward answers and reasons. Thank you.