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Emotionally abusive relationship or just a jerk?
23/f, 29/m
My boyfriend made this comment about me trying out my new toner and he said, “why? your face is already breaking out. Wouldn’t that make you break out more?” Is that supposed to make me feel better? Is that supposed to be some kind of a joke? Because I don’t understand. He tends to make comments like this here and there. Does he expect me to not have a reaction to it? He subtly puts me down and it makes me lose my self-esteem.
The more I started thinking, I know that my counselor told me the signs and her thoughts on him not respecting my boundaries, but I guess that’s true. I keep thinking back on how he was hurting me during sex and I told him, “I thought you’re supposed to be turning me on, not turning me off.” And I said “ow” multiple times. He apologized and eventually stopped. He didn’t stop right away.
When I don’t give him a response that he likes very much, he ignores me or neglects me. Or he only sends me short responses until I apologize. He refuses to tell me how I feel. When I make a point like he’s hiding me from everyone and the relationship, he doesn’t answer. He tells me to be quiet while I’m talking. It makes me feel bad.
Whenever I tell him whatever he's doing doesn't make me feel very good and that he's not appreciating me or is being mean to me, he always backtracks and tells me that he's not being mean. That he supports my career change and he's encouraging me. Him encouraging me doesn't make every other comment or critic okay.
When I discuss something with him, he refuses to answer. When I’m upset, he acts extra affectionate until I act as if I’m okay again and then he treats me in a different pattern. He treats me well in person, but when he’s not next to me, he doesn’t treat me very well. He still makes those comments in person, though. Subtly putting me down.
He has this pattern of him being jealous of whoever I hang out with and he tells me that he’s suspicious. I haven’t done anything to break his trust and when I say that, he gets upset. So I think it’s a reverse psychology and maybe it’s that he doesn’t trust himself and he says it’s nothing like that and gets quiet and tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it.
I think the only person that should be worried, is me. He has done several things to break my trust and I haven’t done anything to him. I’m the one that’s paranoid and curious on who he’s hanging out with because he has broken my trust several times.
What should I do? What can I do?
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If he hurt you during sex and didn't stop right away, that's sexual abuse.
Our book says,
"Actually, people may say it is not abuse because he isn’t hitting you. But there is something you can do, and that’s verbal abuse or emotional abuse. Whatever you’d like to call it, you can get help. And sometimes verbal abuse can rise to physical abuse (hitting, kicking, burning, etc.) and if not that, it can lead to running away or worse in the abused child. If you have a mom, or a friend of yours has parents, tell them. If you go to school, get a teacher’s help. Good thing you asked because there is something you can do and this is abuse " verbal abuse. Usually, men abuse children, but sometimes women do, so don’t be surprised. But it doesn’t matter if a male or female abuses you. What matters is if you get help or not. Report it.
You should contact Prevent Child Abuse America ([Link](Mouse over link to see full location)) and call its number, which is (312) 663-3520 about your abuse.
If you call 4-A-CHILD and go to Childhelp USA (www.childhelpusa.org) you can get help, save yourself, and if you have a mom, save her from getting emotionally abused, too. It may be hidden from you, but she might be in trouble too! But because you don’t know for sure, get help for yourself and don’t run away or commit suicide (that’s when you kill yourself.) This is important and it isn’t a joke!
You were a heroine and a brave little girl to inform us, and you should inform about this yourself. Thank you again for contacting Girlhood Guide about it! And if your friend’s being abused emotionally, verbally, or physically, please refer her to what we told you and let her read As Feelings Fly. Bring her right to Q&A: Sadness Flies and don’t let it keep going. Even if you have an enemy or bully that’s being abused, get her help to. Even bullies need help! Once again: you were a brave girl and you did the right thing. Thank you."
This applies to you.
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Reading your question through I should say analyzing and labelling the state of the relationship further would achieve little. Jerk/controlfreak/emotional bully, whatever label you like, it amounts to the same thing. The underlying fact that he really does not, will not or cannot seem to be make you feel very secure, happy or good about yourself. So what exactly are you getting from the relationship? Unless you can come up with at least one very persuasive positive, strong enough to offset all these negatives, then I would suggest you end the relationship and move on. You may well find that taking back control with just this act will begin to restore your self-esteem right away? Yours sounds damaged right now. That's usually the result of such relationships. If you cannot rebuild your own feelings of self-worth and value within the framework of this relationship then you should take yourself out of it.
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Only judging by what you have written I would say that YES you are in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship. The fact that he purposely causes you pain during sex bothers me. There is nothing wrong with BDSM or S&M just as long as BOTH Partners are into it.
If one partner says no to a particular sex act or fetish it is not done. The other partner does not do it because they get pleasure from it. Doing so is sexual abuse and he can be arrested for it. The fact that you have told him NO multiple times and he continues worries me that is emotional abuse could turn to physical abuse as well.
The symptoms are there from what you have written that he is a controller. He is already emotionally abusing you. It is not that much of a step to physical abuse and you can be greatly harmed.
Normally I would answer with suggestions for you to think about and allow you to make up your own mind. I will make an exception in this instances and tell you that I believe the best course of action for you is to leave him even if it means moving back in with your parents while you find a place to live. The sooner you leave him or throw him out the safer you will be and you can start to rebuild your self-esteem.
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Ok firstly, try to remember that not all males know everything there is to know about make up! lol. so try not to take too much of the dumb male comments to heart because sometimes they like to act like they know all there is to know about things when they dont. He obviously wouldnt know alot of make up because does he use it himself?? probably not. So i would just call him out on those little comments and say something like "oh cause you just know all about make up huh??" lol. Make a joke of it and make him feel stupid for having said something like that.
Ive had lots of male friends in the past and that tactic when they try shit on me usually works and their a little more careful about what they say the next time around. ; )
Also you need to find the RIGHT time to talk to him about things that are important to you. ASK him when your both alone together and he seems like hes in an ok mood if we can talk about some stuff youve been thinking about. if he says "not now" then just ask "ok when would it be a good time?" or say that your going to keep on reminding him that youd like to talk about some important things youve been thinking about and that your not going to stop asking so he might as well MAKE TIME rather then just keep putting it off.
When you CAN get him to sit down and talk with you, ask that he be honest and dont bring up specific situations and then zero in on them too much. What you want to do is instead of saying something about (lets say the make up comment) say "ive noticed that youve been making alot of little side comments lately that seem to come off harsh and im just wondering if your stressed out because it seems like youve been taking things out on me" then ask if anything is bothering him and if theres anything you can do. If he continues to say he doesnt want to talk about it ask "why not?" and ay "how are we supposed to make this work if your not willing to open up some and let me in??" because "a relationship is a two way street and your not allowing it to be right now" and then just be quiet, stare at him, and see what he has to say.
Remove your emotion from it and do not allow anything he says to upset you. Your both adults and you should be able to have an adult like conversation without allowing your emotions to over come you. Let him say what he wants to really say if he feels this is his chance to open up.
As two adults you HAVE to be able to talk about the brass tacts of being in a relationship with each other. its not all about lovey dovey, dream land type attitudes. Theres going to be discord at times and nit picking because people are people and no one is perfect.
Things change though when your partner is PURPOSELY going out of their way to say hurtful things, so be SURE that that is what he is doing before you assume that "he MUST know that what he said wasnt right" when in fact he might NOT have known that one little side comment upset you.
Find a good time to talk to him when he seems like hes in an ok mood and open to it and not busy. ASK "hey can we talk?" try to be neutral, STAY CALM because nows your chance to express yourself like an adult woman and not let emotion over come you because if you do that, youll come on too strong, over whelm him, and then he might shut down on you and then youve missed your chance to get through to him.
If he keeps on saying not now or im busy then tell him to MAKE TIME to sit down with you because your GOING to keep on asking so he might as well make time sooner rather then later.
Now during his talking (assuming youve got him to sit down with you) really HEAR what hes saying. Ask yourself things like:
are the things hes saying sound like someone that will make me happy?
does he sound like hes willing to make room for me in his life right now?
(some people say they want to be in a relationship but in reality they just really dont want to be alone and that can start to show when they start to feel like its ok to not feel the need to please you anymore and keep things happy) <----You can even mention this statement to him when you sit down to talk to him.
You sound like you really care and its obvious because you came here for help, but the question is DOES HE? does he care enough about you or himself to be able to be in a happy meaningful relationship right now??
good luck and i hope this can help you decide where to take things next! ; )
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