I've been with this guy for three and a half years. Things between us got pretty bad within the last year. We argued constantly. The thing about us is that we're very different. He believes in things that I dont believe in and vice versa. That never stopped us during the first two and a half years or so.. Honestly, I loved how he thought so differently from me even if it would cause arguments. However, I can't speak for him. He hated how I never agreed to his views. But I'm not going to say yes to everything he says just because I love him. I stick up for what I believe in as well. Well, I guess that is why we aren't together anymore..
We've been apart for two months now. We still talk to each other every day. He still tells me that he loves me. But sometimes he says to me that he doesn't think him and I will ever work out because we are so different but if we do go out again, it wouldn't be any time soon. Another thing is, after we broke up, he told my best guy friend who is also a friend of his that I'm the type of girl he wants to marry, that he wants to marry me. Uh.. if he doesn't like the person I am, my morals, my views on life, than why is he telling my friends that he still wants to be with me later and that he wants to marry me? I know he loves me, and the thing is, I know he wants to be with me. I know he can't ever stand the thought of me with another guy. He doesn't say it, but I know it. But honestly, I don't know if I'm holding on to something that will never ever work. It's like.. like I said earlier, I love the fact that we're different. That is one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. But him on the other hand, he can't stand it.. I don't know..
Am I foolish for being in love with someone who is the total opposite of me? Am I stupid for still having hope in us? For still wanting to be with him?
Thank you in advance.. Any advice is appreciated.
We are both twenty, if that helps or anything..
I have been in a position similar to yours, and as a result I'm sure this isn't exactly what you want to hear. I certainly didn't want to hear it, and it meant I dragged things on and caused myself a fair amount of pain.
You love this man. This man probably loves you too. But. BUT.
You both need space from each other.
You have a three and a half year history with each other. You have, to an extent, grown up together. This is wonderful, and many years from now you'll have very powerful memories of being with someone who you felt safe with, but also challenged you.
The problem is, because you have been together for so long and had such powerful emotions, you cannot - physically cannot - just seperate yourself from all that immediately when you break up. You cannot click your fingers and analyse your relationship together from an objective standpoint. You are still far, far too close to it all, far too emotionally tied up in the past. You can't objectively judge whether you want to get back together with him, because you are still in the stage where you are hurting and reeling from your break-up, and yearning for the past which however less than perfect it was, was easier and less painful then the present. This is completely natural and normal.
The point is, by speaking to him daily, by allowing him to speak to you and tell him he loves you, you aren't helping yourself. Both of you need to take some time away from each other to get over each other. It's strange when you break up from a longterm relationship because you are used to turning to the your partner for suppport, but this is something he cannot help you with, and you cannot help him with. You need to heal when you are apart, so that one day in the future you'll know what you want, and he'll know what he wants.
I'm not saying that you cannot be friends in the future, or that you cannot get back together. What I am saying is that to judge whether you really want to be with him you need to give yourself some time so that your response isn't just a gut "but of course I want to be with him, I've been with him forever / I love him" type of reaction.
It's extremely hard to do, but it is something that will help the both of you. Perhaps you will realise that you need somebody who sympathises with your opinions on certain matters more, or perhaps he will realise that the differences between you aren't so big after all. You can't really tell until one day you just decide that is how you feel. It takes time and you can't force it, but one day you will come to a decesion.
It's not stupid to believe that you are compatible with somebody you had an somewhat turbulent history with. You have passion for this person, and though you are very different and irritate each other, you understand each other and obviously have a deep connection and a huge amount of love and respect for each other. It's not foolish or overly optimistic to believe that one day you might get back together. You can think that, but give yourself time for your mind to catch up with your heart, and work out if this is what you think rationally as well as emotionally.
All the best. I really do hope it works out for you, because I've been there.
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