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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I have started to wonder if my wife has totally moved on from her sex partners just before we were married.
She had at least two partners, both men were best friends and they shared everything including her, and at times both at the same time.
OK... I would have done that too.
What bothers me is, since we are from a small town, and everyone of our friends know everything. So when we get together she always asks my closest friend "how is Wayne". Wayne is one of the men and he is the cousin of my best friend. One in awhile this would be OK, but not every time.
Now it has escalated to stalking Wayne's wife, on Facebook, who we met once twenty years ago, really not much in common, she is talking to her friends about this woman as though they are friends.
Is she just trying to re live her earlier sex-capades?
Or would she like to replace the wife?
Please tell me what you think
The Answer
I think she sounds bored.
Look - diagnosing and psychoanalyzing your partner is rude and destructive, especially when you start to think of rather negative assumptions like "does she want to replace this guys wife."
You might be right! But she's your wife, so she deserves more default respect than that AND she deserves a chance to actually address what you are being bothered by without you assuming you know what her motivations are.
Talk to her. It's been 20 years. Maybe she is mourning her wild youthful sex life. Or maybe her own life doesn't give her enough drama to keep her interested.
Don't assume, and don't try to analyze her behavoir. Be honest about what you are seeing, and ask her what she is thinking.
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The Question
So back in April I met this guy named Luke. The first time we hung out at the bar I told him BLUNTLY that I was not in any way whatsoever looking for a relationship. Well, we ended up going to his house and getting drunk and having sex. Before we had sex, I told him this was just a "fuck buddy" kind of sex, not a relationship kind of sex. He said that was just fine and that we could be fuck buddies. I knew what I was doing and it wasn't a drunken mistake. I know NOW that this was a mistake tho so don't focus on that.
Since we were fuck buddies we had sex often. To me, it was just sex, but to him it was love and relationship building. He started telling me he loves me and can see a future with me. I have NO idea why I continued to let things go on but I did. While still telling him I am not interested in a relationship. Well after awhile of him charming me and being romantic I told him I loved him too and I wasn't lying.
This was a mistake!!
I KNOW for a 100% fact that our relationship can never work. I do love him and care about him very much but I am not in love with him and I never can be becuase we are completely different people. I can never be with someone who is a chain smoker like he is and who has such an alochol dependancy. His constant drinking has made him very immature (he still parties and acts like a teenager... no exaggeration) and he is 11 years older than me. I feel like I am taking care of a child. I can not be with him. It will never work out.
But he is head over hills, completely and down right in love with me. He goes on and on to all his friends, family and co workers about me and how much he loves me and I love him, etc. He is always doing the sweetest things and saying all the right words.
I know I am being a bitch cuz I keep letting him believe everything is okay. I hate myself for doing it but I just feel like I don't have the heart to hurt him so badly. I know this is becuase only 9 months ago I was dumped, hurt and immensely heartbroken and I just can't put anyone through that.
I know that it will crush him. He will sink into a depression that will affect his work (which is in another state and it's too dangerous for him to not be focused), he will be embarrassed around everyone because he talks so highly of our relationship and how happy he is and it will affect his relationships with everyone around him for quite some time. All becuase of me.
I KNOW it needs to be done but I don't know how to do it. At the moment it would have to be over the phone cuz he lives in another state for his job. He will be home in about 6 weeks and he will stay with me for 2 weeks before he goes back but I am the only home he will have for those 2 weeks, he has no one else to stay with at all. I can't tell him while he is living with me and I can't tell him just before he leaves back to his dangerous job can I?
My plan now that I think is kind of working is to make him fall out of love with me. By really focusing so much on those differences we have. That I don't want alcohol in my life ever, that I may never want to have children, that I don't want to get married for at least 5 more years, that I want religion in my life... these are all things he disagrees with and they are big things.
Sorry for the novel. I just need advice. What do I do. I will reward good advice. Please don't give me negative comments like "you got yourself into this" becuase I know what I've done. I'm asking for advice now. Please also avoid "You just have to tell him" becuase obviously I have thought of that and am not exactly at a point where I can just do that. PLEASEEE HELP!!!
The Answer
You can't save someone from themselves.
You can't save them from their own choices, the fallout of their choices, or - in all the brutal honesty of it all - from being too stupid to recognize you aren't feeling it.
You also aren't responsible for the mental health of anyone, but yourself.
And No. You can't tell him after he stays with you. No. He can't stay with you.
And No. It's not your job to make sure he has someplace to stay during his two weeks in your city. He's an adult. That's the kind of thing he is responsible for figuring out himself.
You are responsible to for being as kind and polite as you can be. If he is counting on having a place to stay in your town, then the kindest and most polite thing you can do is give him as much warning as possible that that is not going to happen.
The idea that you can just pretend things are fine, or 'make him fall out of love with you' - I'm sorry - that's just plain abusive. It's never the kinder or more respectful path to decieve someone and play with their emotions.
So, you know you need to end this.
So, you haven't found the courage to do the right things yet.
That's okay. That happens. It's not easy, but right now you need to stop focusing on absurd plans to deceive him, or excuses for why you can't be honest, and work on finding a way past these things in your own brain.
If you are concerned about his mental health, you might want to research some resources in his own town that might help him. It's up to him if he uses them or not.
Your job is to be respectful and honest. Nothing else is right. Nothing else is kind.
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The Question
I'm a 19 year old female babysitter, and I know this is a big accusation, but I think the father of of the family is abusive to the mother and possibly children.
I just started working with this family and they have five kids. The mother is a very petite woman who strikes me as being anxious. Yesterday when I was there, the mother was trying to set up a rental crib for their 2 year old (they're on vacation) and it was a crappy piece of sh*t and one of the wheels came off. She was already very pissed off because she called the company and they were of no help, so when the 12 year old son came in the room and asked what to do with the wheel, she told him, "Use your head. It needs to be put back on the crib," I was standing right there, she wasn't aggressive with how she said it. Well the son threw the wheel on the ground and started screaming how he did nothing to her so why is she freaking out on him. It was frightening to see how aggressive he was toward his mother, and I bet you anything he got it from his father.
About ten minutes later, the father came storming into the room and kept telling her how mean she was and that their son did nothing to merit being scolded when he was just bringing back the wheel. He grabbed her arm and pulled her out into the hallway because he "needed to talk to her privately." while she said, "You're hurting me, let go!" He kept calling her mean and said she "better apologize". The way she responded to him was like a child trying to explain themselves to her father for being caught doing something wrong. The power he had over her was sick.
Then when they were unloading groceries and their daughter had three bags of chips in her hand, the father told her to put them down and go get more groceries from the car. He aggressively kept saying, "Put them down! Put them down! Put them down!" before she even had the chance to set them on the counter because it was covered in other groceries. There was no reason for him to act that way because she was in the process of doing it but he didn't even give her time.
Does this sound like a possibly abusive situation to anyone else? What should I do? I'm only babysitting for them for just one week before they go back home.
The Answer
You should take a deep breath and remember that most people's families look at least a bit ugly when you get this close.
Does this mean what you saw is okay? No. It's not. It's awful behavoir. Not loving. Not healthy. Not how families should interact with each other. In that sense, it is abusive.
But what you saw is also not illegal and not criminal. It's not something to call child protective services about. There is nothing to you can report.
It is possible that criminal abuse is going on here? Yes. It's possible. But you haven't told us of any actual evidence of it. Lots of people are loud, obnoxious assholes who bully and grab at their family members. In many cases, it does stop there.
So, what you should do:
If you fear for YOUR safety, ever, even for a second. Then you should quit. You can always quit. Make a plan to keep yourself safe if you need to leave, but remember that is what you should do if you fear for yourself.
You should remember that there is no law against being a total asshole (unfortunately) and that there are reasons that women choose to marry and have kids with total assholes.
You should listen, carefully, to what is said to you. If there physical violence that should be reported to authorities, do it. If the mother opens up to you, it might be good to be ready with some services or people she could call for advice and help.
But in the end, you are an employee. Your three main responsibilities are, in this order:
Keep yourself safe.
Report any abuse that meets the legal requirements and must be reported. (That generally means physical abuse of the children, you are legally required to report it if you witness it.)
Do your job.
And if I were in your shoes, I'd never agree to work for this family again, and depending on my relationship with the mom, I might tell her why.
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The Question
this sophmore ( im a juniro) asked me to come over to her house, randomly. she always texts me throughout the day and im sure she likes me. Does she want to hook up? even if i dont respond in a minute or 2 she has sent me a message saying stuff like "you dont want to tlak to me." shes sexy and i honestly only want to hook up , do you think she has the same intentions? PS . this girl kept texting me a while ago but i ended it cuz she was obsessive but she just started texting me again.
The Answer
There is no possible way for us to know.
Maybe she isn't all that into you really and is just text-crazy.
Maybe she wants to hook up.
Maybe she wants to marry you and make beautiful babies.
You are going to to have speak up and be honest if you want to move this forward AND to keep from hurting her feelings if it does move forward.
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The Question
Alright so Im 13/f and everytime I use the usual pads my mom buys the 'always' ones, I get a rash that sprouts from like around my butt hole. It turns red, very itchy, and rises above the skin a bit. It hurts badly and is very irritating.
Things I will and will NOT do about this :
Will: tell my mom, use the cream I've always used for it.
Wont: go to a doctor, my mom is a nurse and should know what shes doing and Im NOT going to see a freakin doctor about this.
Advice?
The Answer
Try different pads.
Tell your mom, if that's what it takes to get different pads.
And tell your mom about the cream you've been using. It might be making you feel better in the short term, but it could be making it worse in the long run.
Also, if you are wearing thongs or fancy nonsense - stop doing that - at least during your period. Your body will be much happier with you if you wear cotton granny panties with your pads.
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The Question
Hey everyone! I'm 14/f
Recently I've been confronted with a common -- more common than I thought -- situation & it seems that whenever something new is presented to me, whether it be a new word or a new show I've never heard of, I start to see it everywhere. That is really no surprise because it happens each time I'm presented with something new.
This time the situation is knowing a person from the opposite sex for a long time & ending up married when you're older. I have always wondered why that is ever since I was little & had my forever crush on a friend.
There are a few songs that I already knew for a few years, others that I just learned, but have been hearing them a lot lately. Like:
Mary's Song (Oh My My My) - Taylor Swift
Should've kissed you - Chris Brown
Speak Now - Taylor Swift
Sparks fly - Taylor Swift
Back to December - Taylor Swift
Ours - Taylor Swift
Goodbye - Kesha
And then aside from the songs, I have seen a bunch of couples kissing everywhere I go, holding hands, kissing, flirting, laughing, happy people. I'm just stuck in the corner all sad because I'm too much of a wimp to tell "him" how I feel. It's like i'm bring tormented by my own thoughts! It's driving me crazy & I don't like it at all! I dream about it and everything!
I would just like to know, is it normal for this to happen to people? Thanks for reading.
The Answer
Confirmation Bias.
The human brain is awesome. Totally and completely awesome.
One of the awesome things it does is look for patterns in shit that happens... Only, it has a bad habit of only really looking for the patterns it most wants or expects to find.
It's not reasonable or logical, but it does happen, and particular kind of sense-making behavoir your brain is doing right now, could just be called 'coincidence', but let's get a bit more scientific-y and call it confirmation bias.
Confirmation Bias is a tendency of people to favor information that confirms their beliefs or theories. We don't notice or remember everything we encounter in a day. We remember and notice information selectively and the effect is stronger for emotionally charged issues (like a very long-term crush) and for deeply entrenched beliefs (like, say, a belief in finding one true love).
You have a theory that you destined to marry your long-time crush. You are probably deeply invested in this emotionally, and have been for a while, even if your rational mind tells you it's just a fantasy. It's the perfect case for your mind to apply some serious confirmation bias.
You can read a bit more about the phenomenon on the much-beloved Wikipedia here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias#Biased_memory
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The Question
I hav a friend and we made a blog in facebook. We are like BFFAE but lately she's been acting like she's all that and stuff and wen we made the blog I wasn't sure becuz I had a feeling it wouldn't work out like web we tried to make a web show. Well anyways we finally made the blog and a few moths later we had only gotten 5 likes. She got mad and tried to find another website to but our blog. Well then a few weeks later she found a site and she made herself one to make sure it was ok. Well once she made sure it was ok she made our blog one. But then she kept txting me bout how many hits her blog was gettin. So I said txt me the link. So once she did I looked at it and she was copying the stuff we had on our blog I was so mad becuz most of the stuff on the blog I came up with so Wat should I do I already txted her sayin that I was really mad that she only gave me credit for only one of the thing from our blog and btw there was only 5 post in her blog and I wrote 3 out of that 5 and after that she made us stop our blog on Facebook for a while ( which probably means for a long time ) someone please help me on what I should do
The Answer
Ask her to credit you for what you wrote and created.
That's only fair, ethical, and respectful.
Maybe you don't want to work with her anymore. Maybe she doesn't want to work with you. These are separate issues. Even if you don't want to blog together anymore, or be friends, it's only right for her to credit you on this entries you wrote.
Tell her as much.
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The Question
a friend of mine used to have an eating disorder. from what i've noticed, she hasn't had any trouble with it for over a year. but recently, she hasn't been eating enough. she's getting a lot thinner and is always complaining about being nauseous. she says she's trying to gain weight, but she could just be saying that. i feel inclined to talk to her parents so we can get her help, but i don't know if that is whats best. i would talk to her about it, but i know if she really has relapsed, she definitely wouldn't tell me. earlier today i asked her if she wanted something to eat and she didn't use her usual excuse of "i'm nauseous, maybe later" she just said "maybe later, i'm fine for now" which is just her claiming to not be hungry. but she hadn't eaten all day and she woke up an hour prior to this. i know not all people are hungry that fast but she ate barely anything last night and i just don't want to keep watching this. should i talk to her mom? am i overreacting?
The Answer
She's your friend, so you owe it to her to speak to her directly about this first. Then, go to her mom.
You might be right: Talking to her might not achieve anything. She might just deny it. She might just beg you not to tell her mom. But she's your friend, and you should be honest with her, even if she isn't honest (or isn't able to be honest) with you.
No matter what she says, tell her mom your concerns.
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The Question
We haven't had sex, but after he ate me out I started having symptoms of a yeast infection. Is that possible?
The Answer
It's very, VERY unlikely that he has a yeast infection in his mouth, and didn't know about it.
Possible, yes. But exceedingly unlikely.
It's far more likely you developed a yeast infection spontaneously. Yeast infections can be 'caught' but they don't necessarily need to be. They can't just 'happen'.
If you haven't had one before, go to a doctor to make sure it is in fact a yeast infection.
If you are familiar with them and certain that is what it is, pick up a remedy at a drugstore and don't let your partner down there with fingers or tongue until you've finished the entire treatment.
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The Question
Hi, we've been dating for 2 and half years now and we love each other. we have just moved in together. he has a young kid with his ex. but whenever we argue he's so defensive of his ex as he says he hates his ex as she hurt him very badly in the past that's the reason they broke up. but i think to my myself, if someone hates so much then why so defensive of her? she is a very manipulative woman. so guys, defensive means still loving her or am i thinking to much? thanks.
The Answer
She's the mother of his child.
End of story.
He has to be protective of her. He has to demand respect for her. He has to see some good in her, no matter how badly their relationship ended. If he didn't, he wouldn't be as good of a father to his child.
He doesn't get to 'just move on' and ignore her. He has to face her over and over again, so his emotions towards her are going to take much longer to process.
Does it means he loves her and will run off with her? Absolutely not. What it means is that he know he still has to have her in his life, and probably cares for her - as the mother of his child- not as a romantic partner.
He's been with you for 2 and a half years. Frankly, you should know by now if he is a cheater or not. You should know if he's a good dad, or not.
If he's not a cheater, then he wont cheat. If he's a good dad, he's going to keep on having conflicted feelings about his child's mother, including hating her one minute, and defending her the next.
Don't obsess. Be supportive and let him handle the responsibilities he needs to handle (his child, and that child's mother). Support him in that, but don't take it in on yourself emotionally. Let him know what you think, and how you feel, but remember that all decisions about his child and their mother come down to him.
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The Question
What does it mean when a man tells you that a woman comes 5th in their life after faith, children, career, and taking care of their family? Does it mean he doesn't want a relationship even though he says he would like to have one someday? How should a woman go about this to avoid getting hurt?
The Answer
A women should avoid getting hurt by this man by walking away from him.
He just said, very directly and very honestly, that he refuses to make space for another person in his life or consider that other persons needs or feelings.
And sometimes in life we do NEED to close ourselves off like that and focus on priorities other than rommantic relationships, but if that's the case, then this man is in no position to be dating, seeing anyone or sleeping with anyone!
He has a responsibility to behave respectfully towards people in his life. That responsibility doesn't go away just because he is honest about not being able to prioritize a relationship, it simply means he can't be in a relationship ( or seeing anyone, or fucking anyone) until he able to make that a priority.
A guy who says this isn't prepared to be with anyone, so he shouldn't be. A women who hears this, should tell the guy to give her a call with he in a place in his life when he can behave with respect and value his lover. That doesn't always mean being the most important thing in his life, but it does mean being in the running, and having your feelings and needs respected and heard.
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The Question
My situation is very complicated. I've been on the antidepressant Lamotrigine also known as Lamictal for over a month, and as soon as I went up to 100mg, I started to feel severely depressed and I can't shake off those feelings of total hopelessness and things are very bad with me. Unlike when I was on 50mg, I was doing pretty great. The only problem was that it wasn't helping completely, and I still found myself depressed, that's why I went up in the first place. I'm bipolar, and I'm also on Seroquel, if that matters. So my question is, can highering an antidepressant make you more depressed? Please don't guess on me, only answer if you know it for certain. I know I should ask this to my psychiatrist, but I don't trust her anymore, and meanwhile I haven't found a new one. Do you think I should go for a completely new antidepressant? Most of them have had the opposite effect and have made me suicidal. Don't you think it's worth it anyway? I mean, does anyone have an experience where an antidepressant has actually done its job right?
The Answer
You need to go back and talk to a doctor. I don't think anyone here is likely to be able to help you.
Lamictal is not a normal 'anti-depressant'. Your are using it off-label (probably because you've have negative reactions to the more common anti depressants).
Most people are going to tell you that upping your dosage of an anti-depressant can cause an increase in feelings of depression (and that is true - it's very, VERY uncommon - but true.)
HOWEVER, Lamictal is not an SSRI - the kind of drug people normally mean when they say anti-depressant. So those studies don't apply to your case at all, and I highly doubt there will be many people here with any personal experience on Lamictal.
Here is what I can say:
I tried three different anti-depressants before finding the one that worked for me (and even then, there were still some side effects, just manageable ones.) I know it's hell, physically and mentally to try and find one that fits, but honestly, it's also worth it in the end. They are absolutely invaluable tools in healing yourself. I couldn't have possibly fought my way back to 'normal' if the drugs hadn't helped to show me what normal thinking felt like.
So speak to another doctor if you aren't able to work well with your current, but do keep at it.
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The Question
I've put this under mental health, because I wasn't sure what else to : please don't get offended by that.
Now, we all know that your sexuality isn't a choice. But what determines whether you are homosexual? Nature (you are born homosexual) or nurture (your surroundings) ?
I know people who say they remember being gay forever. I know of others who turn, when they go to same-sex boarding schools. I read a book about one of the most famous all-boy schools in the world. The guy was saying how they didn't know a world outside of the school, and growing up meant they had urges. Because of this, they experimented sexually, and this is where many people 'turned'.
But is it both? Is it different for different people?
I also heard that those who lack a father figure are more likely to be homosexual. This is obviously a generalization, but is there any merit to that statement?
Thanks!
The Answer
Nature, but you have to understand that nature is a very multifaceted thing, and that it doesn't force anyone to DO anything.
Saying it's 'nature not nurture' doesn't mean environment has no effect. It doesn't mean personal choice has no effect either. Our identities, orientation and lives are WAY more complex than can be summed up by our innate 'nature'.
Sexual orientation is innate. Baring any major brain trauma - Heterosexual, Homosexual, Asexual are all things you are born with it, or at least, you are born falling someplace on a spectrum. And your actions and behaviors might reflect different aspects of your place on that spectrum over your life time. There are as many shades of gray as there are individuals human beings.
HOWEVER (and this is a big, hugely significant however) being born homosexual (or heterosexual) doesn't mean you will only have homosexual (or heterosexual) sexual encounters for the rest of your life.
Your environment and culture has a lot to do in determining which kinds of sexual encounters you are most likely to be exposed too.
There is a difference between the way you are born, and the way you choose to behave, and what behaviors are most available, or considered 'the norm' by those around you.
There are going to be environments that are more or less welcoming of 'experimenting' and also more or less welcoming of homosexuality itself, or same-sex relationships. There have been many cultures and environments over the years that were perfectly comfortable with homosexual sex acts, as long as it happened under specific circumstances (often, that it was fine to be gay on the side, as long as you also got married and made babies as well).
So yes, it's different for different people who live at different times, in different communities and cultures. They'll have different experiences available to them, and their sexual experiences are not necessarily a direct reflection of their innate sexual orientation.
Behaviors can be learned, absolutely. Even if they go against your innate interests. There are certainly lots of scientific studies now of 'ex-gays', and even many ex-gays themselves that will admit they continue to struggle with same-sex attraction, but that they have made a personal choice to BEHAVE as heterosexuals.
I hope that helps to explain the difference between an innate sexual orientation, and the wide variety of choices, opportunities and pressures that a person will face when it comes to their sexual behavoir in a lifetime. It's important to understand that it's not so simple as to say "You are gay so you only act gay" or "You are straight so you only act straight". Most people's lives get more complex than that, and that's okay.
And to answer your final, slightly tangential question:
No. There is absolutely no causal link between between 'lacking a father figure' and male or female homosexuality. That's just bullshit made up in the late 1800s and early 1900s to try and invalidate and shame homosexuals. It's been debunked repeatedly and thoroughly and only a very, very few fringe organizations on the extreme right continue to promote the idea that there is any truth to it at all.
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The Question
I'm going to try to shorten this the best I can. It'll probably end up really long though..
Ever since the end of my freshman year I had a thing for my friend. He's 20 and I'll be 18 next month. I already graduated from high school and I'm about to go to the same college as him.
So pretty much, I've had a thing for him for 3 years.
We became really close my sophomore year. I had a boyfriend at the same and he helped me with some of those problems.
During my junior year we started texting a lot more. Eventually we told each other how we felt. It was complicated because we weren't sure what to do since he was leaving in January. He said we'd talk about it the next day, we didn't. We didn't talk about it for a couple weeks. I just thought he gave up on me and I became interested in someone else. Eventually I start dating someone else and he gets mad. We ended up becoming friends again though.
I had suspicions on my boyfriend cheating on me and I always went to him for help so he called me and we talked all night on the phone. He told me he still had feelings for me and he wished I was older so that we could be together, stuff like that. He said a bunch of sweet stuff.
Maybe a month later, while I was at their house, he and I hooked up. No sex, just making out and a little more.
After that, he ended up leaving and he'd text me a lot and call me and talk about his life in college. One phone convo ended badly though. He kept talking and talking..I can't exactly remember what happened. Then I said I was gonna go and he said, "Oh ok." I said, "Bye" He said, "I love you" I said, "Bye.." Afterward I ended up crying. I guess something he said hurt me. Then he texted me saying, "I'm so done with you."
We don't talk for 3 months and he texts me and he said that he needed time to grow up. So we became friends again.
He comes home during the summer, we hook up again like 3 more times.
He leaves, we stop talking. I start seeing someone else. Then he texts me again asking about the new guy. No mention of feelings or anything. Maybe a month later he asked if me and my boyfriend have made out. I said yes and he gets all upset. I was clueless.
From then on, we kept it as a friends thing. Until we start talking a lot more like 2 months ago. Like a week before he came home he told me that he still has feelings for me, he wants to try again, no games. I figured it was because he was lonely and his friends had girlfriends or he was homesick. So I kinda just blew that off then he came home and everything was cool. We'd hang out and all that. Then one day he gets so cold. He stops talking to me, hardly looks at me, doesn't text me or anything. I asked him what happened. He told me he didn't feel the same as he did before. I cried in the bathroom for like an hour..
I didn't talk to him for maybe two weeks. Then he texted me saying he missed me. Then we become friends again. We ended up making out again like 2 weeks ago.
At this point, I'm not sure what to do. He hardly texts me and I feel like it's going to be the same thing again. We probably talk like once or twice a week. I feel like I'm in some dramatic movie. I know I should probably call it off but I don't have the guts to do it. I care about him way too much. I haven't texted him, I'm really stubborn.
We're going to the same school at the end of this month. Should I just wait and see and not text him? I don't want to make myself look like I want him if he doesn't want me. I'm thinking maybe he texts me and we start reminiscing about our past, I'll say that I don't want to mess around anymore. I want something more serious.
Idk..and this whole thing between us is a secret. I'm really close to his family..they only know we use to like each other 2 years ago. So I really don't have anyone to talk to about this.
Sorry it was so long. I felt the need to explain everything so you could get a better picture of him and how he is.
The Answer
You two are treating each other like shit.
I'm sorry to kick it off on such a strong note, but I'm not sure you've realized what is actually going on here.
You are both game-playing and sneaking AND you are both assuming the other person is game-playing and sneaking too.
If you want to be with him, seriously be with him, stand the fuck up and be counted. Tell him so. No more of this childish "No, you go first!" bullshit. Neither of you are being 'stubborn' at this point. You are both being cowardly and bitchy.
You are both afraid of getting hurt. Newsflash: You are getting hurt right now and it's damn likely you'll get hurt again in the future. The only shot you have at getting your relationship with this guy closer to the kind of relationship you actually want is fess up and speak honestly about what you want.
Then, listen to what he says, and ask him questions and clarify what he trying to express. No more blowing him off when he has feelings. No more assuming he's just being shallow or game-playing.
You want a serious relationship, then you both need to start taking the other person seriously.
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The Question
My favorite animal is a penguin, and I've been doing lots of research on them lately and I have what it needs to own one, but all the websites I've looked at just say to go to a different website and then that website has nothing to do with penguins. I dont need to know if it's even possible on owning a penguin is New York. So i decided to ask if anyone on this website knew anything about owning a penguin
The Answer
In the US, pretty much every species of penguin are a protected species at the federal level. That means state by state, they are either banned completely as pets, or you need an exotic pet license. If you obtain one illegally, you could be fined tens of thousands of dollars and even sent to jail.
Unfortunately for you, the state of New York's Exotic Animal Law simply states that it is illegal to possess any wild animal. Period.
Zoos, professional breeders and those sorts of places can apply for permits to the state, but they can't sell to individuals as pets.
You might be able to get a permit, as individual, but I suspect you probably can't. And whatever habitat you had for the penguin(s) would need to be inspected by the both the state and the federal goverment.
Also, I say 'penguins' because I suspect you'll find you wont be allowed to only have one. Penguins are social animals, they live in bonded groups. It would be deeply cruel to have only by itself.
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The Question
I want to go to school to be a veterinary technician but I have to attend a community college first where they don't have any veterinary courses as majors. Since I'm attending a bigger school next year, what should I major in in community college this year that will better my chances in the vet tech program next year? Thanks.
The Answer
Biology, would be the first and most obvious choice.
You might also consider a basic physics course, if you don't have at least some physics background. That will help prep you for medical imaging. Also, any courses in laboratory procedures or pharmacology or nutrition might be useful.
But the VERY best thing you can do, is call the collage you want to transfer too next year and ASK THEM what courses will make it easiest for you to get accepted.
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The Question
Okay, 19/f 19/m
Been together for almost 2 years.
Beginning of relationship, I told him how against porn I was- it made my parents relationship end in divorce, so I've been highly against it.
He told me he would do it, blah blah blah.
I've caught him doing it 4 times a week, for a whole month. When I found out, he lied. Than I showed him my proof, and he admitted to it.
Well, about 6 months later, he did it again- lied about it, of course, and swore to me he would never do it again.
Everytime I've caught him, I begin to shake like I'm cold, my finger tips get froze, and I can barely breathe.
I feel so ungood enough. We have sex, not as often as he'd like but we are LIVING under my parents roof, and they say NO sex, so we try as often as we can.
He told me he never wants to make me feel not good enough, and he would really stop.
I gave him another chance.
Well, tonight, I found porn on my computer. He visted three different websites, 6 times a piece, not sure when it started, but I'm sure it was just the past couple of days.
I'm shaking, I'm heartbroken.
What should I do?
Porn is one thing I will NOT being able to compromise on. A real man would respect his woman and not do things that hurt her.
I even tried have sex with him atleast four times this past weekend, and he didn't want to, and let me tell you, my boyfriend is ALWAYS in the mood.
Btw. He proposed to me in Feb, 2012- Idk what I should do.
I feel sick to my stomach, and I feel so betrayed.
Help?
The Answer
If you can't compromise on this then you need to break up with him.
It hurts, but it's not complicated.
He's proven very clearly that he
A.) is going to view pornography
and B.) he probably thinks there is nothing wrong with it, but won't have that conversation with you and be honest about his opinions and choices.
So if this a deal breaker for you, then you need to break the deal, and end the relationship.
Now, I can go on and on about how people can engage perfectly healthily with porn. Lots of people - the majority of people you met actually - watch porn. Good people. Good fathers, husbands, brothers, teachers, doctors and yes: mothers and wives too.
It absolutely, 100%, does not mean that they do not respect or love their partner. They might NOT respect or love their partner, and excessive porn use might be a symptom of that - but rarely anything like the cause.
But if you don't give a shit about all that, that's fine! You don't have to date a person who watches porn if you don't want too.
However, I'd still suggest you seek some therapy to work out your feelings over your parents divorce. You don't want to allow your parents bad behavoir to destroy your chances at happy relationships or marriage and right now it sounds like you are carrying a lot of their baggage.
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The Question
17/m
I am wondering exactly how bad swishers are for you, I have smoked them every now and then for the last year and I will be 18 in a month and I never found out how bad they are for you.
I know most people use them for weed, I use to but quit smoking weed a year ago and was wondering if they are as harmful as cigs or even worse.
I know they are cheap cigars but I don't know much info on them.
The Answer
When it comes right down to it:
Breathing in smoke is just not good for you.
Whether you inhale it, or just hold in your mouth (which is the way cigars where originally intended to be smoked, although many people do inhale now) smoking causes health problems.
When it comes to to which kind of smoking is worse it's really just a matter of picking your poison: They are all bad, just in slightly different ways. For example, Cigarettes are more likely to cause lung cancer. Cigars are more likely to lead to cancer in the mouth and throat.
Your body is just not designed to breath in burning stuff, and fundamentally, that is what you are doing when you smoke.
A swisher is filled with, lets face it, really, REALLY cheap tobacco. The cheapest tobacco in existence. So, they can be addictive, just like cigarettes, and unlike most cigarettes, they are unfiltered which means you are breathing in even bigger hunks of burning stuff.
It's hard to make comparisons here - It's all just pretty bad for you.
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The Question
Would you trust your significant other if they were living with their Ex boyfriend/girlfriend?
My boyfriend is still living with his ex girlfriend.. he claims they are just best friends and hes just living with her because their contract isn't up till october and he doesn't want to leave her stranded paying for the whole rent. They don't stay in the same room, but I don't know if I can trust them. He told me he was living with her and they were broken up a little while after he met me. He says that he can't put her out on the street.Should I trust my boyfriend that still lives with his ex-girlfriend?
The Answer
I wouldn't date someone who was still living with their ex, and had no immediate plans to move out.
Even if I really did believe that he was over his ex and there was nothing going on between them, I'd still be very concerned by the fact they decided to keep on living together. That's weird, and more likely than not, unhealthy. Even if he FELT he was ready to date someone else, I wouldn't be able to be with him on those terms, and I wouldn't be willing to wait it out till October.
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The Question
If it's just a picture from a film, like say if someone has taken a screenshot of a scene in the film, can you get sued for using this on your book cover? It's not like I'm going to be making money...
It's probably unlikely that people would find out about it...but if they do, can I get sued?
What happens if...
a) if someone else has taken the screenshot and has NOT edited it and I just use that?
b) if I take the screenshot myself?
The only reason why I don't want to take it myself is because it comes out very blurry.
Also, this film that I'm screenshotting is NOT the film I'm writing a fanfic about. One of the actors in the film that I'm fanficing about is my main character but I need a picture of him when he was much younger, and the picture I want from the film is when he was much younger, and he's wearing the right clothes and everything...
So yeah. Please answer and I'm sorry for my lack of intelligence :)
The Answer
It's unlikely you'll be 'sued' but you (well, not you personally, but fanfiction.net) can be told by the copyright holder to take the image down because you do not have permission to use it.
And fanfiction.net could ban you for life. That's in their terms of service.
You can't use a screenshot of a movie to promote your own, completely unrelated work, even if you aren't charging for it. It doesn't matter if you take the screenshot or someone else.
You are right that lots of people do it, most never get caught, and most movie studios don't give a damn, but it's definitely something that the copyright holder has the power to tell tell you to stop doing.
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