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Porn is ruining my relationship!

Question Posted Wednesday August 1 2012, 12:25 am

Okay, 19/f 19/m
Been together for almost 2 years.
Beginning of relationship, I told him how against porn I was- it made my parents relationship end in divorce, so I've been highly against it.

He told me he would do it, blah blah blah.
I've caught him doing it 4 times a week, for a whole month. When I found out, he lied. Than I showed him my proof, and he admitted to it.

Well, about 6 months later, he did it again- lied about it, of course, and swore to me he would never do it again.

Everytime I've caught him, I begin to shake like I'm cold, my finger tips get froze, and I can barely breathe.
I feel so ungood enough. We have sex, not as often as he'd like but we are LIVING under my parents roof, and they say NO sex, so we try as often as we can.

He told me he never wants to make me feel not good enough, and he would really stop.

I gave him another chance.

Well, tonight, I found porn on my computer. He visted three different websites, 6 times a piece, not sure when it started, but I'm sure it was just the past couple of days.

I'm shaking, I'm heartbroken.

What should I do?
Porn is one thing I will NOT being able to compromise on. A real man would respect his woman and not do things that hurt her.

I even tried have sex with him atleast four times this past weekend, and he didn't want to, and let me tell you, my boyfriend is ALWAYS in the mood.

Btw. He proposed to me in Feb, 2012- Idk what I should do.

I feel sick to my stomach, and I feel so betrayed.


[ Answer this question ]

Additional info, added Wednesday August 1 2012, 12:44 pm:
He also admitted early this morning that he was addicted to it, and he has been doing it for the past 4 months, a few times a week while jacking off to it.

he said he doesn't think he can stop.


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mercury answered Wednesday August 1 2012, 6:31 pm:
I highly recommend it.He's 19 right?So even though you may hate this,men,specially at this age,are addicted to porn,not all of them though,but most of them and even some women.The thing is that he can can be 'cured'by treating his addiction with a therapist.You won't solve this by means of having sex with him more times than what you were used to.Because this sort of addiction makes people fancy they're having sex with other people,not just one person.So it'd be sensible to start thinking about therapy.Hope it helps!

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sizzlinmandolin answered Wednesday August 1 2012, 12:07 pm:
EDIT: Sometimes they have ads in the newspaper for support groups. For a therapist you could check the yellow pages or the Internet. Call a few people and ask them if they have experience helping people with porn addiction. Don't trust him so blindly right now just because he's saying the right things. This may be his last ditch effort to not lose you. He may be emotional about the possibility of you breaking up with him, which could lead him to more lies and deceit. It may be true that he is addicted and can't help it, but it may just be another lie because you've backed him into a corner. If he uses the computer from a wireless router, you can block certain websites with his help and even stop the Internet from working during certain times of the day. This can be password protected with a password that only you know. If he's serious about this, that should be something he'd agree to do and he'd help you do it. It's a good test of his convictions. Google search "how to block websites on my wireless router" and you should be able to find step-by-step instructions. Good luck and I hope that he's being honest with you!

In the context of the relationship as a whole, the problem isn't that he's watching porn. The problem is that he keeps being dishonest about it. He told you that he wouldn't watch porn, then he did, then he got caught, and he lied until you had evidence! That's horrible.

A lot of people watch porn and they don't see anything wrong with it. It doesn't destroy everyone's relationships. Many couples even watch it together. He clearly has no problem with it. The issue is that he's being extremely insensitive to your beliefs and if he's lying about this, what will he lie about next? He knows that this is really important to you. He has betrayed and disrespected you, not by watching porn, but by lying about it and continuing to promise that he won't.

In all likelihood, he is going to keep doing this no matter what. He hasn't quit for you yet so it's unlikely that he will. He believes that its okay and it's probably not affecting him to the point where he is mistreating you or not wanting to sleep with you or anything. It may have no affect on him at all, just you. Don't worry, you're not crazy and it's not your fault, but this is your issue more than it is his.

Porn is a tricky thing to understand if you're not into it. If you want to be with him or try to work things out, you need to have a conversation with him about porn. Get him to explain to you why he does it and what it means to him. Tell him that you know he isn't going to stop because he hasn't. Make him be real with you. Do not let him lie to you again. Give him a chance to be honest and tell you his side of the story. Maybe he will be able to explain it well enough to change your mind, maybe not, but at least the conversation is happening rather than the relationship ending in deceit.

Not all porn use is the same. It's a very complicated issue. You need to remember though, that the betrayal isn't in watching porn. It's in so easily and so repetitively lying to you about something that he knows is important to you. Your boyfriend believes that porn is okay, but there's no way that he believes that lying to you is okay. He chose to do something that, in his mind, he knew was very wrong. That's the big issue here. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. If you focus more on the lying than the use of porn itself, you may get better results when talking to him about it because he believes that it's wrong.

One more thing that you should consider is that a very large part of the population watches porn, especially the younger population because of how easy it is to get on a computer. Some very good people watch porn. You'll be limiting your dating pool by quite a bit by making it a requirement that your guy never watches porn. If you're going to make it a deal-breaker, consider how many people you will be cutting out and make sure that you're okay with that. Is it okay for someone to watch porn once a week, once a month, or is it never okay? Porn isn't something that just a handful of pervy people do - it's popular. This very situation that you're in now could happen again. Obviously you don't want to ask someone on your first date whether they watch porn or not, but if this is going to be a big deal for you, you're going to want to bring it up kind of early on so that you can make your decision about the relationship before it gets too far.

I don't want you to think that you're weird or that not wanting your man to watch porn is extreme. While it is true that a lot of people watch porn, there are a lot of people out there that are against it too. You need to decide if this is a deal-breaker. Everyone draws the line somewhere. If it is, you know what to do. Even if it isn't, consider how much he's been lying to you instead of being a big boy and trying to resolve your differences.

I wish you the best of luck in your life. My advice to you is to break up with this guy and to deeply think about your views on porn so that you're ready for your next relationship. Even if you decide that some porn use is okay, this guy is not someone that you can ever trust.

Another thing you should do is talk to your mom about this. Children may not pick up on everything and focus on the big issues. It's very possible that your mom didn't leave your dad because he watched porn. It might be that they split up because he lost his attraction for her because of the porn, he respected her less because of it, or because he lied to her about it. Talk to your mom about what's happening in your relationship and get some insight on the deeper issues that your mom and dad had than his choice to watch porn. There might be something more to it, there might not, but it's a good conversation to have.

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adviceman49 answered Wednesday August 1 2012, 11:19 am:
I can't and I won't tell you what to do as far as your relationship goes with your boyfriend/fiance. That is not what I do here. What I try to do is help you see the different sides of the problem you write about and what can be done to rectify it. That is if I see a way to correct what it is you are writing about.

The first thing I see in what you have written is that you have in away been traumatized by pornography in that as you say, it caused your parents to divorce. This is the first problem that you need to analyze and resolve. Yes resolve for you have not had the chance to make up your own mind concerning where and if pornography has a place in your life. Your parents, your mother, has passed her own values on pornography on to you. This is not wrong, this is in part what parents do. The trauma, your parents divorce orver this, has locked in what mom passed on.

Lets face facts, pornography in its many forms is all around us. We are bombarded by it all day everyday. From sexy advertising to soft porn love scenes on made for TV movies. The magazines we read and some of the advertisements we see border on pornography. Did you know at one time the ads we now don't think twice about for women's bra's and panties could not be run as they are today on models as that was considered pornography.

Fact is that it is not much of a leap from what we see every day to what your boyfriend/fiance is viewing on the computer. There are no statistics to back this up, but I would say today most healthy males do view pornography on a computer more than once or twice a week. Some couples even use it to spice up their sex lives.

As I said in the beginning I believe you have been traumatized by your mothers feelings on porno and its relationship in breaking up your parents marriage. Before you go throwing away a 2 year relationship that you seem to enjoy in all other aspects; that you speak with a a therapist to get a professional view point.

Their is nothing wrong in disliking porn and you have every right not to view it yourself. What I see as wrong and harmful to what is other wise a good relationship is your unwillingness to compromise on this point. I believe single and when your therapist thinks it is advisable, joint counseling will help you save this relationship. That is if you want to?

The question know becomes do you want to save this relationship?

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Razhie answered Wednesday August 1 2012, 10:34 am:
If you can't compromise on this then you need to break up with him.

It hurts, but it's not complicated.

He's proven very clearly that he
A.) is going to view pornography
and B.) he probably thinks there is nothing wrong with it, but won't have that conversation with you and be honest about his opinions and choices.

So if this a deal breaker for you, then you need to break the deal, and end the relationship.

Now, I can go on and on about how people can engage perfectly healthily with porn. Lots of people - the majority of people you met actually - watch porn. Good people. Good fathers, husbands, brothers, teachers, doctors and yes: mothers and wives too.

It absolutely, 100%, does not mean that they do not respect or love their partner. They might NOT respect or love their partner, and excessive porn use might be a symptom of that - but rarely anything like the cause.

But if you don't give a shit about all that, that's fine! You don't have to date a person who watches porn if you don't want too.

However, I'd still suggest you seek some therapy to work out your feelings over your parents divorce. You don't want to allow your parents bad behavoir to destroy your chances at happy relationships or marriage and right now it sounds like you are carrying a lot of their baggage.

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