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I know my relationship won't work and he doesn't. I'm so confused
So back in April I met this guy named Luke. The first time we hung out at the bar I told him BLUNTLY that I was not in any way whatsoever looking for a relationship. Well, we ended up going to his house and getting drunk and having sex. Before we had sex, I told him this was just a "fuck buddy" kind of sex, not a relationship kind of sex. He said that was just fine and that we could be fuck buddies. I knew what I was doing and it wasn't a drunken mistake. I know NOW that this was a mistake tho so don't focus on that.
Since we were fuck buddies we had sex often. To me, it was just sex, but to him it was love and relationship building. He started telling me he loves me and can see a future with me. I have NO idea why I continued to let things go on but I did. While still telling him I am not interested in a relationship. Well after awhile of him charming me and being romantic I told him I loved him too and I wasn't lying.
This was a mistake!!
I KNOW for a 100% fact that our relationship can never work. I do love him and care about him very much but I am not in love with him and I never can be becuase we are completely different people. I can never be with someone who is a chain smoker like he is and who has such an alochol dependancy. His constant drinking has made him very immature (he still parties and acts like a teenager... no exaggeration) and he is 11 years older than me. I feel like I am taking care of a child. I can not be with him. It will never work out.
But he is head over hills, completely and down right in love with me. He goes on and on to all his friends, family and co workers about me and how much he loves me and I love him, etc. He is always doing the sweetest things and saying all the right words.
I know I am being a bitch cuz I keep letting him believe everything is okay. I hate myself for doing it but I just feel like I don't have the heart to hurt him so badly. I know this is becuase only 9 months ago I was dumped, hurt and immensely heartbroken and I just can't put anyone through that.
I know that it will crush him. He will sink into a depression that will affect his work (which is in another state and it's too dangerous for him to not be focused), he will be embarrassed around everyone because he talks so highly of our relationship and how happy he is and it will affect his relationships with everyone around him for quite some time. All becuase of me.
I KNOW it needs to be done but I don't know how to do it. At the moment it would have to be over the phone cuz he lives in another state for his job. He will be home in about 6 weeks and he will stay with me for 2 weeks before he goes back but I am the only home he will have for those 2 weeks, he has no one else to stay with at all. I can't tell him while he is living with me and I can't tell him just before he leaves back to his dangerous job can I?
My plan now that I think is kind of working is to make him fall out of love with me. By really focusing so much on those differences we have. That I don't want alcohol in my life ever, that I may never want to have children, that I don't want to get married for at least 5 more years, that I want religion in my life... these are all things he disagrees with and they are big things.
Sorry for the novel. I just need advice. What do I do. I will reward good advice. Please don't give me negative comments like "you got yourself into this" becuase I know what I've done. I'm asking for advice now. Please also avoid "You just have to tell him" becuase obviously I have thought of that and am not exactly at a point where I can just do that. PLEASEEE HELP!!!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You can't save someone from themselves.
You can't save them from their own choices, the fallout of their choices, or - in all the brutal honesty of it all - from being too stupid to recognize you aren't feeling it.
You also aren't responsible for the mental health of anyone, but yourself.
And No. You can't tell him after he stays with you. No. He can't stay with you.
And No. It's not your job to make sure he has someplace to stay during his two weeks in your city. He's an adult. That's the kind of thing he is responsible for figuring out himself.
You are responsible to for being as kind and polite as you can be. If he is counting on having a place to stay in your town, then the kindest and most polite thing you can do is give him as much warning as possible that that is not going to happen.
The idea that you can just pretend things are fine, or 'make him fall out of love with you' - I'm sorry - that's just plain abusive. It's never the kinder or more respectful path to decieve someone and play with their emotions.
So, you know you need to end this.
So, you haven't found the courage to do the right things yet.
That's okay. That happens. It's not easy, but right now you need to stop focusing on absurd plans to deceive him, or excuses for why you can't be honest, and work on finding a way past these things in your own brain.
If you are concerned about his mental health, you might want to research some resources in his own town that might help him. It's up to him if he uses them or not.
Your job is to be respectful and honest. Nothing else is right. Nothing else is kind.
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I'm going to be blunt and tell you what I think you should hear without sugar-coating it. So if I sound like an asshole, I'm sorry.
"I just feel like I don't have the heart to hurt him so badly."
I don't think this is the case. I don't think it's your heart, I think it's a fear of how you'll have to deal with the situation. You have in your mind a picture of what will ultimately happen. It's not going to end well. You know that. Prolonging it is a damage to him and the longer this goes on, the bigger the chances of the damage to him being greater. So sparing him pain now will only likely be prolonging inevitable pain for him and adding to it.
In short, break it off sooner than later and spare him some future pain. He now has six weeks to figure out what needs to be done. If I were you, I would let him use those six weeks to figure out where to live for the two weeks that he's in town. Speaking of which, does he need to come back? Is he just coming back because of you? Is there any way he can simply stay in the town he's currently in?
If worse comes to worst, you can tell him that he can stay at your place while you two are broken up and just suffer through an awkward fortnight, but it's up to you. Personally, I would end it over the phone and do it sooner rather than later. Take all the things you are using in an attempt to push him away and bluntly tell him that these are the reasons for your decision. And add to that the feeling that you just don't love him in a romantic sense.
And I'm going to sound like an ass if I'm not already, but when it comes to him talking to other people about how great you are, that's not your problem. That's his problem and his problems aren't going to be your problems anymore. Yeah, it's understandable to feel bad for the guy, but that's the extent of it. Problems like that aren't yours to figure out and deal with.
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There may be another way that puts the decision on what direction your relationship is going to take on him. If you are correct about him with his smoking and drinking he will leave the relationship.
First: My brother in-law was a chain smoking alcoholic until he woke up in the drunk tank at our local police station. He is now 24 years sober and my sister is his second wife, who has been married to for the last 15 years.
Sober he is a great guy. He cares greatly for my sister and helped her raise my two nieces. As an alcoholic he was a horrible drunk. He didn't hit or abuse anyone, he was a binge type drinker.
After waking up in the drunk tank he joined aa and gave up both drinking and cigarettes at the same time. He credits aa for saving his life. The problem with getting someone to enter and adopt the aa life style is first admitting they have a problem and second wanting to change.
I tell you all of this for he is the one with the problem that needs to change if there is a chance at the two of you building a relationship. If he is truly in love with you this may be all he needs to realize he needs to change he life to have the type of life with you that you both may want.
You start by telling him that yes you have fallen for him; though you cannot see marriage to him in your future because... 1)His alcohol dependence and 2)His chain smoking. You tell him that unless he is willing to go to aa, adopt their 12 step recovery program, which will help with the smoking as well, then there is no sense then being anything more than sex buddies; which is not what you want from him any longer.
You stop there; you have placed the desire to take your relationship any further in his court. Does he love you enough and want to spend his life with you to change. As for you if he goes to aa you will go to al anon. Which is a group for people who are dealing with friends and relatives with dependencies. They will help you deal with him while he is going through the initial stages of aa.
aa is a lifetime commitment. You just aren't cured you are in recovery and aa helps you stay there. Al anon helps you help him.
You say you have come to love him. But there are two big no, no's to his character that need to change for a lasting relationship. By taking my suggestion you are not dumping him; you are giving him a choice of changing or walking away. There is a difference.
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