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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Okay. Here we go.
Basically I'm a sixteen year old female who likes an older guy. Now, the first thing I'd imagine that would come to someone's mind while reading this is that it's probably a sexual thing. And it's not like that at all. He's actually one of the youth leaders at my church and he's in his early twenties.
Yes, I know, that's a HUGE age difference.
And yes, I know, it's a bit of a problem.
And that's why I'm seeking advice.
Across time, there have been some strange "moments", for lack of a better word, between him and I. For instance, I've looked over at him randomly and caught him staring at me a few times (but I'm sure that's just a coincidence because people look at other people all the time). Plus, he's joked around with me a lot, and we've talked on Facebook a bit (but then again, I'm sure it's nothing). By now, the majority of whoever's reading this is probably thinking that this is bad and it needs to stop because it's inappropriate and such. Which, in a way is true. But on the other hand, I feel like it's completely innocent because nothing inappropriate has happened or been said.
The way I see it, I'm just a girl with a crush that will probably go away in a while. But then I stop and think about how much I really like him. You might say it's just that lustful feeling or the feeling of danger that comes with liking an older guy. And I've asked myself if that was the case. Honestly, I don't believe it is.
And I don't even remember what my purpose for beginning this "question" thing was. I think I was going to ask if I should just quit on liking him, to put it bluntly.
Look. I don't want to. He's amazing, sweet, hilarious and all that jazz. And really, the ONLY thing that's a problem is the age difference.
My question is, should I let something like that get in the way? I mean OBVIOUSLY I'm not going to make a move or DO anything about it, at least not until I'm of legal age. But what SHOULD I do, guys? I don't want to go for it or anything because of how badly it might end up (loss of friendship, the pure awkwardness of it, etc.). But I definitely don't want to miss out on the opportunity of getting to know a great guy.
Help?
The Answer
Yes - you need to let his age 'get in the way' of this.
Because basically no matter where you live, if he is over twenty and in a position of authority over you (like a church leader) having a romantic relationship with you could result in him loosing his job, going to jail and/or becoming a registered sex offender.
The age difference is not the only problem, but even if it was, a problem that could ruin his life is a pretty big problem.
There are also the other problems associated with this kind of age difference from mid-teen to mid-twenties.
There is the fundamental power imbalance in such a relationship which means you cannot both make decisions about your lives with equal authority and weight.
And the simple fact that if he is a healthy young adult, he should have very different views on and needs from a relationship than you do.
And finally, in completely honesty, if he, in his twenties, see a sixteen year old girl as a viable romantic partner - there is something kind of wrong with him.
Doesn't matter how awesome you are. You could be Aphrodite herself. Doesn't matter. If he considers you a good partner right now, and takes the deeply irrational and dangerous risk of dating you - then he's a dumbass with some pretty poor judgment.
It's fun to have a crush. It's not always wise to act on it. Acting on this crush would be very, very unwise.
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The Question
Can a guy get pregnant from another guy
The Answer
No. Getting pregnant involves having a working uterus.
So unless someone is gender queer in some way (that means, identifies or refers to themselves as a man, but has female reproductive organs) then no. It's impossible for a man to get pregnant.
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The Question
Today this guy who everyone think I go out with, but I really can't stand(he likes me though), decided he was going to start poking me. I told him to not touch me, but he didn't stop. So, I told him to get the **** away from me. He continued to touch me and then tried to give me a hug. I pushed him away. He tried to poke me again, and this junior came up and told him to leave me the **** alone. This guy pushed him(the friend pushed the junior) and they almost fought. I needed to get home, so I left.
Why did this guy defend me? I barely know him. I only have my last period class with him and we don't even talk that much. I'm 15 and he's 16 or 17. He's always been nice, though. I don't know what to think, considering I've never been in a situation like this. Most people wouldn't even think to defend me.
The Answer
He might just be a decent guy who knows when someone says 'no touching' it means no touching.
Sometimes it's that simple.
You might try asking him. There is no other way to know. We can't know more than you do.
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The Question
hi.
i am in deep trouble, i feel. i have been masturbating for the last couple of years since i was 11 and now i will be 17 in june 2013. i have masturbated almost everyday, twice a day . i have many problems now. such as mental problems. im losing my hair, my memory my concentration. i feel very week. ever bad symptom i have read about over do of masturbation . i have them all. ever single one . back pain and others as well. im trying to find all over the internet if all this is reversible. and if it means i have to stop masturbating and not have sex ever. then it fine by me. i cant study i cant do anything. please help. just reassure me that it is possible to get back on track . to become new as if i never masturbated before. plz plz help.
The Answer
Go see a doctor.
Masturbation doesn't cause mental illness or physical illness. Period. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you because they believe that masturbation is morally wrong. There is nothing, nothing at all bad that happens to your body when you masturbate (except maybe, some chaffing if you are too rough with yourself.)
So there if there is something wrong with you, you need to see a doctor, because it has nothing at all to do with masturbation.
Please, go see a doctor. Even if you believe masturbation is wrong, it's still not what is causing your problems. See a doctor.
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The Question
My boyfriend, Tim, is probably one out of many guys with a caring heart and very considerate person especially to his friend. When we had first met and dating at the time, Tim had just added 2 of his buddies onto his family plan and I had told him at the time that even if they were your friends be prepare to lose some money or lose there friendship. I mean not all people are shady like that but most people can be and knowing his friends, I had no doubt that they were gonna screw him over. Fast forward to 2 years later, late on their payments, always suspending their phone lines, late payment fees, minutes and data overage fees, And now one of the buddies, bob, was planing on moving out of state so at this time the bill went up to $600. Tim had been texting, calling messaging him about the phone bill or if he wanted to cancel(canceling the phone line will be about$130) because of him moving. No response. Of course Tim does not have that kind of money to spend especially with Christmas around the corner. Anyhow, bob is already off to anothe state, leaving Tim with no answer. Tim plays cool while I'm over here tripping because his buddies can't take their responsiblity on payin the bill, the other buddy has no job either and is not paying. The only part where I was completely frustrated with Is the fact that his so call "buddy" "friend" had not respond back to any of tims messages when we know that he's been talking to his other friends. I mean not even a "sorry man I can't pay the bill, I'll pay you back ASAP" nothing!!!! I was so disappointed in his decision.
Just recently I had been on bobs Facebook and one of his status was "new number, hit me up". So at this point my bf, Tim wants to take him to court. How should he go about dealing with this situation?
The Answer
I'm not sure how many answers you'll get to your question, so I'm going to throw in my imperfect advice.
A lot of what (and how) your boyfriend needs to do depends on the state he lives in, and to a certain extent, the state Bob now lives in.
Fundamentally, your boyfriend needs to contact the courthouse in the county(s) that Bob and Tim currently live in, and files a claim in small claims court (unless they owe more than a small claims limitation in the state...)
So, there is a lot to figure out, but if your boyfriend isn't able to speak to a lawyer of any kind (and he probably should, it would make him far more likely to succeed in suing these guys) then the best place to start is probably to contact the courthouse in the right county(s) and ask them what the process is.
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The Question
I am 23 years old, but still living at home. I have been dating a guy for a few months that I absolutely adore. Only downfall is he has tattoos, not just a few but both arms completely covered (sleeves). I have no problem with this however my parents do. I haven't had him over to meet my parents simply because of that reason and they have already told me "he is not going to meet extended family, that's embarrassing to bring around them, he can't go on family vacations" etc... I am not asking them to accept or like the tattoos, that is their opinion. I'm just looking for some advice on how I can allow them to look beyond that and see them how i do, a respectful man who treats me right. Any advice please!
The Answer
Tell them to stop being rude.
Seriously. It's very simple. This is someone you want in your life - possibly for quite a long time. Do they really not want to know him?
He made different choices than they would when it comes to tattoos. Are they going to reject everyone who makes choices they don't like? Will they reject you? Or your children someday, if you make choices for your life or family they don't like?
You are right - no one I asking them to like okay. You are asking them to be respectful of others, and of you, thier daughter, and not reject people based on surface differences.
The best way you can get thier respect (because its not just him they are disrespecting - its you and your ability to choose) is not to politely ask for it, it's to stand up and demand it.
Tell them they are behaving badly and causing you unhappiness. Tell them they need to find new ways of dealing with thier dislike of tattoos, because this way is not okay.
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The Question
I am 16 years old girl and my boyfriend is almost 19, we are both not virgins but yet it is our first time together. I want to get pregnant but he wants to use a condom. Is there a way for me to get pregnant even though he is gonna wear a condom?
The Answer
Tricking someone into having a child with you is wrong.
It's morally reprehensible, deeply disrespectful and unloving, and completely irresponsible.
You owe it to the children that you do have, to be loving and respectful of their father whenever possible. Trapping a man into fatherhood is not just cruel and wrong for him - it's potentially cruel to your children. You can do better for your children than give them a father who resents you (and even them) because of how badly you treated him.
And, you aren't ready to have a child.
You can hate me for saying it. You can disagree if you'd like. But here is the basic truth:
Women who are ready to be mothers don't abuse and lie to their partners.
Women who are ready to be mothers make sure their situation is the best one they are capable of for their child (IE, the aren't teenagers, uneducated and unemployed or under employed).
Sure, these things can't always be controlled, but when they can be controlled, women who are ready to be mothers, control the factors that will add to their families and children's happiness and safety.
He doesn't want a child right now.
This is not a the best situation to bring a child into. It's not even a very good situation.
Having a child now would be selfish of you. Very selfish and self-involved. Not a responsible or respectful choice.
Accept it. Plan for the future in loving and responsible ways both for your relationship and any children you might have.
Don't abuse your partner.
Don't have a baby just cause you want one.
Have a baby when you are prepared to be responsible for one, and give them the best life you are able.
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The Question
I'm 25 and a female.
A little background on me: I'm a very strong, independent woman. I live on my own, and I've been through a lot on my own. As a result, I can be distant and sometimes forget to include people in my life. I'm going after a Master's degree in clinical psychology in the fall, but in the meantime I'm doing social work. The amount of paperwork required for my program has me working 50-60 hours a week. I also have a lot of medical problems going on right now, and it's been really tough. My boyfriend is about my age, and he lives almost hour away.
I feel like I have nothing to talk about with him recently. It seems like all I do is go to doctors' appointments, go see clients, do paperwork, try to squeeze in a run when I'm not passing out, and sometimes sleep...and eat, when I remember.
He and I have been together for more than a year, he's my best friend, and I always want to talk to him, but I just feel like such a boring person recently. I have so much on my mind but nothing comes out of my mouth aside from complaints and psychobabble. When we're together, conversation isn't a problem, and there are no awkward silences. When we're together it's like we suddenly remember everything we want to talk to one another about and we'll babble at each other for hours.
Part of the problem is I can't really talk about my clients, who are a huge part of my life. But lately I feel like he's not talking to me, either. He has two new jobs, and I'd love to hear about his day, and what stupid things his coworkers said, but he doesn't really tell me anything. I barely feel like a part of his life right now.
It's ironic, really - my entire career is contingent on my ability to bond with complete strangers, but I can't strike up a decent conversation with my boyfriend.
I know someone's going to ask, because I would, and no, I haven't talked to him about this. You'd think that would be my first action, but I don't want our relationship to be the cause of more stress for him.
Should I mention it?
Should I try to be subtle about it? ("So tell me about your day!")
Should I just wait it out and see if things improve?
I feel utterly useless.
The Answer
Don't be subtle.
Subtlety is for fun, light conversations and playing around. Subtlety is when you've got your brain firing on all cylinders and have mental energy to expend on it.
You are running on empty. Trying to be subtle is just adding more stress to your already stressed out life.
So just straight up mention that you are feeling disconnected, and although you know there are some reasonable reasons to feel that way (you are both busy, you've been sick, you are navigating privacy issues of your work, ecterca.) you want to work on it and do what you can to keep your relationship strong.
Your boyfriend is probably at least a bit confused and disconnected too. He's probably not bored with you - although he might very well be struggling knowing how unhappy you are right now.
And you might not be able to fix it all right now - not even while working together.
'Cause sometimes life sucks. Sometimes relationships are really hard. There are no relationship tricks to suddenly make it 'not hard'.
But if you don't talk about it, you can't know all the ways it's being hard for both of you, and you don't have the solutions. That's okay, it's almost better to approach these conversations with your partner without believing you've got all the solutions figured out.
So mention it. Share your feelings and fears and give him space to share his. Laying your cards on the table is always frightening, but you know you've still got a great foundation with this guy, and you are probably both trying to protect and insulate one another from the craziness of life and stress. So, stop shutting him out of your stress and confusion, and let him know he doesn't need to shut himself down so as not to burden you with either his happiness or his stress.
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The Question
I need a good watch dog. I've had a doberman and german shepherd that I liked very much because they were sweet to people they knew and scary to people they didn't. Later, I got a golden retriever, which was much less intimidating, but made a better watch dog than I'd think and was the best all around dog I've ever had. Ever since he died a year and a half ago, I've thought about getting another one, but am scared it wouldn't be as good of a watch dog. There are some cute saint bernard puppies for sale and I've heard that they make very good dogs, but my only worry is how big the thing will get. My uncle had a saint bernard rotwieller mix that looked more like a horse than a dog. I wouldn't mind having a big dog if I thought it'd be happy in my back yard. I have a good size back yard, but I need to know how big int needs to be to have that size dog in it. WDYT?
The Answer
I know very little about guard dogs honestly, but I know this about Saint Bernards: Most of them would make lousy guard dogs.
However - a Saint would also be quite happy in smallish backyard. Although they are energetic when young (like any puppy) as adults they are pretty lazy and don't need nearly as much exercise as your previous breeds would have.
Although a lot of it has to do with the particular dog and it's training, I've had Saints and Newfies most of my life and the Saints are incredibly trusting, deeply gentle, and pretty damn lazy. They also aren't really prone to dominance issues or to being overly territorial, which makes them generally pretty mellow about strangers. Which isn't to say they aren't loyal - they are crazy loyal - it just takes a very real threat to make them angry.
People who are intimidated by large dogs will be intimidated by Saint Bernards - they can be very, very large. Personally, I love saints as pets, but it's a breed that's more likely to be friendly to strangers than not, and might be too mellow to make you feel guarded.
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The Question
So my boyfriends family hates me.
Why:
1. He always comes home late because of me. He is 21 and his curfew is ten p.m.
2. I didn't call 911 on time when he got assaulted. Which I dont blame them for because I should have called emmediately.
3. He blames me for his assault. He said I planned it. The day it happened we were at a house party and I felt uncomfortable because everyone was drinking, smoking,thats not my scene. So I went outside and he got mad at me because I was ruining the party. But he stayed out the re with.me and then some guys who were looking for someone to fight come out of nowhere start drama and out of nowhere someone throws a punch.
sonhis
So the family hates me and thinks I'm a bad person for their son because I failed to call 911 right when everything happened instead of doing it hours later at the hospital.
I feel like I failed him. It eats me up because they don't say anything but I feel this strong vibe. He even told me that they hate me. Idk what to do.
The Answer
You are not a bad person.
Your boyfriend might be.
If your boyfriend actually believes you PLANNED to have him beaten up, then you need to break up with him.
End of story. End of relationship.
If he believes that you planned to have him assaulted, then the relationship is OVER. There is no trust. There is no respect.
If he just pretends to believe that in order to keep you anxious and make you feel guilty, then there is also no respect and no trust and he's an abusive asshole, and the relationship is also over.
If he tells you his family hates you, but does NOTHING about it (like, ya know, making sure he's home on time, or standing up for you) then there is no affection or respect, and the relationship is over.
So - The relationship is over.
Whatever mistakes you might have made don't matter in the face of his behavoir. Sure - you should have called 911, but that one error in judgement doesn't mean you deserve the shit he is heaping on you.
In fear and confusion you made an error - He's being an asshole on purpose.
End it. You will go on and be better with someone else. Hopefully, someday he'll stop being such an ass to the girl he's dating.
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The Question
I am a 17 year old girl in a long distance relationship with my high school sweetheart of 2 1/2 years. He started college in Berkeley this August. We went into an open relationship, which both of us are totally fine with. We get to see each other once or twice a month when I go to visit him and those are the best weekends of my entire month.
However, the phone calls are lacking. I'm always the one calling him and I seem to leave every conversation feeling disappointed. What should I do? I'm scared to talk to him about it because I hate arguing over the phone. everything seems perfect but this one little part.
I generally end up doing all the talking and if I ask questions about his life I get one word answers. I need help. How do I get him to understand that I need more then online chats? Without just making him think I'm whining?
Please help. Thank you
The Answer
First off: I think you need to separate your problems, from your solutions.
'Cause here is what you risk saying to him:
"I have this problem, and you have to change to fix it!"
And that's always a bad thing to say to a partner.
Here's thing you want to say:
"This is my problem. It's really bugging me and I can't solve it all by myself. I need us to find a solution that works for us both."
Your problem is that you are feeling disconnected and you are finding your phone conversations are leaving you feeling disappointed and even MORE disconnected than before you spoke to him.
Then you need to ask him if HE has any feelings about your conversations (on the phone or otherwise) or anything that isn't working for him. He might honestly not like talking on the phone? He might honestly just get bored after a while. (I'm a women, and I hate it. I much rather write a long e-mail or video chat. I actually get very uncomfortable when I can only here a persons' voice and I get annoyed that I can't do anything productive while I'm stuck on the phone.)
Then you can suggest some solutions.
And the solutions shouldn't be "Go Change Yourself."
Here are some possible solutions you could suggest where you work together to make your conversations more meaningful.
You could both write down some questions for the other person (that are not, yes or no questions) and ask them when the conversation begins to dry up.
You could use video online chat instead of phone calls.
You could have more frequent, but shorter, phone calls.
I'm sure you can think of some more solutions. He might even have some suggestions based on what he likes or dislikes about the communications you've got.
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The Question
mkay im a13yr old girl.i want a horse thats older and good with kids! but dad said no because we dont have the money! i dont know what to do i reaally want a horse
The Answer
Look for someplace to volunteer or work with horses.
Horses are incredibly expensive. Even part-boarding a horse (sharing one with another rider) is very, very expensive. Much more expensive than owning a car.
I'm sure your dad is telling you the truth: There is no money in your family for that, and honestly, at 13 you CAN'T earn enough to pay for a horses board, feed, tack and vet bills. It's just not humanly possible.
So - if you want to be with horses, find another way. Volunteering with a large animal rescue might be great for you. Some riding schools will let girls muck out stalls or do other work in exchange for their lessons.
Make some calls and ask around. Owning a horse is probably not something that is going to happen for you in the very near future, but you can start to work towards it now and gain the knowledge you need. You can also maybe make some animals lives better while you do it.
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The Question
Okay so long story short, my boyfriend of almost two years has been depressed for about a year. I helped him get into therapy and realize that his depression wasn't his fault, the whole chemical reaction in the brain thing, and hes been definitely making progress. The problem is, I think hes using his depression as an excuse to not do anything.
Part of it is he feels stuck in his current job, but he wont do anything about it. He calls me and tell me he feels depressed, wants more money, is worried about his future (hes only 21 and in college) etc etc but he wont do anything about it and no matter how much support/advice I give him it wont help. He is just afraid to fail I think. But what can I do to get him out of this funk? What can I say to him?
The Answer
You can't do anything.
You can only listen, support and understand - until the day you can't even do that anymore.
I agree completely with NinjaNeer, although my thinking is a bit different. I've never been the depressive one, but I have been in funks, and I have dated people who have struggled with depression.
In my mind, the best thing you can do right now, is to tell him the truth.
Tell him you are getting tired of the same conversations over and over again. Point out to him that although he's making progress in some areas, in this area he is still completely stuck. Remind him that YOU can't solve these problems. You've given him all the advice you've got, but actually changing anything is totally up to him.
Then, as hard as it is, stop investing so much.
Still listen to him. Still acknowledge his feelings and concerns. Give you advice, but without passion or anger. Say a lot of things like "Yes. I get how that is scarey to for you." and "Man, that is frustrating!". Listen, and acknowledge, and then take a big step back and live your own life.
Often, women end up taking on the emotional work of a relationship, so the men don't have too. Depression or not - it's a common pattern. The way to make sure you don't do this, is to not crowd him with your feelings about his situations. Often, if you back off and stop feeling so much concern, anger and worry over him, he'll need to feel these same things for himself.
It might feel like the exact wrong thing to do, but it might honestly be the best way to support him in breaking this pattern, is to stop supporting the current pattern.
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The Question
1. Boyfriend made plans to go play turkey ball. Comes back and starts talking about how he felt like a loser since all the guys had their girlfriends there playing too. Then he accuses me of not wanting to go with him when he has never asked me to come even in the past years.
2. He called a couple times while I was getting ready to leave the house for a family thanksgiving lunch. The texts he sends me say "I know you are at lunch with a guy. I can act just like you if I want."
3. Him: you never talk about guys around me babe.
Me: yea because if I tell you how guys hit on me, you are going to try and turn the whole thing around on me.
Him:you so you hide stuff from me.
Me:yea well im not hiding anything that you're thinking from you, but I haven't told you every instance where guys have hit on me because of how you react.
4. He always accuses me of sleeping with my coworker, whom I supposedly flirt with? Im not allowed to talk to my male coworkers. Or just sleeping with other guys.
5. He doesn't see what I have contributed to the relationship. He said me taking him to the nba game or taking him to eat for his birthday doesn't. Mean anything.
What do I do. Two and a half years together..
The Answer
More important question:
Do you feel happy and respected in this relationship?
It doesn't sound like you do. I certainly wouldn't. I'd feel disrespected, demeaned and like I was being manipulated and controlled.
Sometimes we end up waiting for someone to do something sooo bad that it seems like a 'good enough' reason to end the relationship.
Don't do that. You don't have to wait for him to be truly reprehensible to decide this just isn't working for you. He doesn't have to be totally horrible to not be good enough for you.
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The Question
They say that women are usually quick to judge others because they can read body language better. I do not know whether this is true or not and maybe I can use this to my advantage.
The Answer
Some people are better at reading body language than others. Women are, generally speaking, better at reading body language then men are.
But that doesn't mean women are quicker to judge. That's just silly. All it means is they are listening to more than what is being said to them.
What it does mean is that when you talk to someone, anyone, you should be aware of both what your words are telling them, and what your tone, body and movements are telling them. Everyone, men, women children and even animals, are listening to far more than just what you say.
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The Question
Alright, so, my boyfriend and I have never had intercourse, but not too long ago we were fooling around -- he still had his boxers on but I wasn't wearing anything, and his genitals were pressed against mine. We noticed that his boxers were wet, but weren't sure if it was him or me. Here I am, about 3-ish weeks later, 6 days late. Also, I am extremely ill from a really bad cough that's going around (been at home for nearly a week), and was stressed to the max about 2 weeks ago. Is it more likely that I am pregnant or just late? I have a gyno appointment tomorrow, but am still unsure of how to ask, as I am only 17 and quite nervous. Any [helpful] input would be appreciated :)
The Answer
It's very unlikely that you could get pregnant through clothing the way you described. Sperm isn't smart. It just goes vaguely forward when there is a liquid it can move through. Pre-cum can have a tiny, little bit of sperm in it, but even still, it may as well be impossible for it to find its way through a maze of fabric and inside your body.
Don't stress yourself out, but, it's probably time to start the birth control conversation with your doctor. If you are beginning to play these sorts of games with your lover, you want to take come precautions.
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The Question
Well, I already have tickets to a concert this week with my friends back in October, and I really want to go. However, when I proposed this to my mom in November, she said NO after I told her that it cost $218. I, however, did not tell her that my friends had already bought the tickets for me in advance, fearing she would just be disappointed and "hurt" cuz i didn't ask her in advance. The day is drawing nearer and I have yet to persuade my mom to let me go to the concert. I've tried pleading her, but she just got mad and said "your studies aren't great, why should I let you go? All you ever know is just to spend and spend and spend money." She also said that she wanted to talk to my friends and tell them not to hang around me. Also that we are "very poor and can't afford tickets" when are pretty well off. Please leave some advice
The Answer
Fess up.
The longer you leave it, the worse it gets, not just for your mom, but for your friends who are currently out $218.
Your friends deserve a chance to try and sell that ticket.
You made a huge mistake that could seriously hurt your friends. You owe it to them to tell them that your mother wont be paying them that $218 back.
Doing anything else is deeply cruel.
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The Question
Alright so here is my problem. My mom is taking me for a Pap smear and said its also to see if I'm sexually active. My parents know I had sex two years ago but they don't know that the last time I did was a little over a month ago. Will my doctor be able to tell I did a month ago besides the obvious things like remains is semen and std or pregnacy. I would greatly appreciate it if someone would take the time to answer this. Btw I'm 16 f in Texas
The Answer
No. They can't tell with anything like that accuracy.
They also can't tell your parents - That would be a breach of your privacy and of their medical ethics. They could loose their license over something like that.
Your doctor's office is supposed to be a safe place where you can be honest. If you ever feel like it isn't, you've been wronged, and should either seek another doctor, or complain to the authorities your doctor is responsible too.
It's important to tell your doctor the truth, so they can give you real advice and have all the information when examining you.
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The Question
Rahzie I recently added.more inf
o to my friendship.over
The Answer
Hello,
I'm pretty certain you meant this question:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=609124
Please let me know if I'm wrong.
I did see the additional information, but I choose not to change my advice. Your new information doesn't change my advice in any drastic way.
You see, it doesn't matter if Ann is selfish, or loaded, or even if she in a bad marriage. That doesn't change what you did or make it okay. We are responsible for our own behavoir regardless of the situations of others.
You were still wrong to punish her and push her when she said no to your request for money. You did not act like a good or respectful friend. You were not sweet or demure in your questions here on this site, and it's very, very unkind of you to call Ann nasty names like superficial and selfish, even just here on the internet.
If you are worried for Ann because you think she is a controlling or abusive relationship, offer her sympathy and a person to talk to if she wants too.
But if she wants you out of her life, then pay her back and leave her alone.
And don't bully anyone, no matter how bad your luck has been, or how loaded or selfish they are. Don't bully or punish anyone when they tell you they can't loan you money. That's never an okay thing to do.
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The Question
I just got out of a serious breakup with a woman I was engaged too...
Afterwards being heartbroken and having a knack for picking up women, I had many sexual partners during the course of a year.
Only to find out, while I am finishing a very intense Masters program, that 1 of the bar hook ups whom I barely know, just gave birth to my child. She wants me around, but I am not sure if the kid would benefit to see dysfunctional parents that have only had a sexual relationship.
I told my parents, my Dad said, "Don't even answer her calls," my Mom said, "I am excited to be a grandma, but are you gonna be around??," I just don't know whats best for us all here.. The Mom already asked me to babysit the kid so she can go on a date, what the fuck is that! I dont wanna be used like that. Now Im stressed, my grades are slipping and so is my lust for life, I used to be a happy go lucky guy with the world at his finger tips, Now I am trying to man up and get through every without feeling like a piece of shit because im not able to be around, because of my intense masters program.
What the fuck is a guy supposed to do??
The Answer
He's supposed to get a blood test, or DNA test, and confirm the child is his.
Then he's supposed to make changes that are enable him to manage all of his responsibilities - and that might include altering his education plans.
You might not be able to control all of the stress in your life, but you actually can control how dysfunctional you are with the child's mother. In some ways, barely knowing her is better, you can be friendly and business like about the whole thing without quite as many intense emotions involved. And just so we are clear: its almost definitely best for the child to have you in their life. What kind of 'in their life' might still be to be determined, but you can't justify just running away from it with 'we'll just fuck up the kid.' That's an understandable impulse, but not a reasonable one.
But first, ask for a test, and if it comes back positive, ask for a custody agreement so you have fixed times you spend with the child, and you can manage your life with a bit more certainty. Having a kid does mean 'being on call' sometimes, but with clear agreements between you and the mom, you can manage it better.
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