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How do I get him out of this funk?
Okay so long story short, my boyfriend of almost two years has been depressed for about a year. I helped him get into therapy and realize that his depression wasn't his fault, the whole chemical reaction in the brain thing, and hes been definitely making progress. The problem is, I think hes using his depression as an excuse to not do anything.
Part of it is he feels stuck in his current job, but he wont do anything about it. He calls me and tell me he feels depressed, wants more money, is worried about his future (hes only 21 and in college) etc etc but he wont do anything about it and no matter how much support/advice I give him it wont help. He is just afraid to fail I think. But what can I do to get him out of this funk? What can I say to him?
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To certain degrees I agree with the first two columnists.
I too have suffered from depression. Two of the biggest factors of this type of depression is stress and enabling. By being overly sympathetic, which is hard not to be as your being his girlfriend want to be supportive, though being overly sympathetic is also enabling. It is a very fine line to walk as the depression he suffers also clouds how he perceives things.
Therapy alone may not be the only solution to his depression. Depression, at least in the case of clinical depression, is caused by an imbalance of or lack of one or two chemicals in the brain. These chemicals are replaced or balanced with drug therapy. Drugs that we call antidepressants.
These drugs can only be dispensed by a qualified MD. The best MD to dispense these drugs is a Board Certified physiatrist. Why a physiatrist? Because the drugs deal with chemicals tat are secreted into the brain. Family doctors are not trained to properly deal with this part of the body. A Board Certified physiatrist is. This does not mean your boyfriend is crazy, he's not. Just as a GYN is more capable of dealing with certain abdominal problems it would not mean your boyfriend was pregnant if he was treated by an OB/GYN.
If your boyfriend is not being seen by a physiatrist then I suggest you find him one. If he is being seen by one and on medication make sure the physiatrist is Board Certified in psychiatry if not find one that is.
If he is being seen by a Board Certified physiatrist then the problem may be the therapist. I went through three before I found one I was comfortable with. One I that I felt I could trust who worked at my pace and drew me out t a pace I was comfortable with. There are a lot of different was to practice psychology, it took me three attempts to find one that practiced at a level I was comfortable with.
It is not unusual to change therapists. If you are not progressing with one it is usually because of some type of discomfort with that therapist. A patient is only hurting themselves by staying with a therapist they are not comfortable working with. You may want to find him a new one.
One other thing you can do is ask to meet with his therapist yourself. In this meeting you will want to advise the therapists of your observations and ask what you can do to help. Do not expect the therapist to tell you anything that has gone on in a therapy session. They cannot that is totally confidential. What they can do is help you be supportive but not be enabling.
Living with or being supportive of someone who is suffering from depression can be very trying on their loved ones. After many years of undiagnosed depression I know realize how hard this was on my family. I now work very hard to make it up to them.
What I suggest to you is to make sure you make time for yourself to decompress and to not allow his depression to totally consume you or you will suffer too. There is nothing you can do or say to get him out of his funk. That is for the doctors. What you can best do for him is be loving and supportive but not enabling.
I hope I have helped.
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You can't do anything.
You can only listen, support and understand - until the day you can't even do that anymore.
I agree completely with NinjaNeer, although my thinking is a bit different. I've never been the depressive one, but I have been in funks, and I have dated people who have struggled with depression.
In my mind, the best thing you can do right now, is to tell him the truth.
Tell him you are getting tired of the same conversations over and over again. Point out to him that although he's making progress in some areas, in this area he is still completely stuck. Remind him that YOU can't solve these problems. You've given him all the advice you've got, but actually changing anything is totally up to him.
Then, as hard as it is, stop investing so much.
Still listen to him. Still acknowledge his feelings and concerns. Give you advice, but without passion or anger. Say a lot of things like "Yes. I get how that is scarey to for you." and "Man, that is frustrating!". Listen, and acknowledge, and then take a big step back and live your own life.
Often, women end up taking on the emotional work of a relationship, so the men don't have too. Depression or not - it's a common pattern. The way to make sure you don't do this, is to not crowd him with your feelings about his situations. Often, if you back off and stop feeling so much concern, anger and worry over him, he'll need to feel these same things for himself.
It might feel like the exact wrong thing to do, but it might honestly be the best way to support him in breaking this pattern, is to stop supporting the current pattern.
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You can't get him out of this funk on your own. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will lift it. This is something he has to do on his own.
Having been in his position before when I had a large depressive episode, I can tell you that he is making excuses, but only because people let him. He has no reason to change his behaviours right now. You're listening sympathetically to him complaining about his life and gently propping him up. Instead of having to put up or shut up, he's able to stay in the same situation and complain constantly: much easier for him, much harder for you.
Something I would strongly suggest for you is counselling sessions of your own. It's easy to get sucked into a partner's problems when there's mental illness involved, and the impact on the non-ill person is almost always overlooked. A therapist can help you learn to cope with your boyfriend's illness. It's stressful and agonizing watching someone you care about floundering like this, and you need to make sure that you don't stop taking care of yourself while taking care of his needs.
What he's doing right now is putting his problems in your lap. Thing is, you can't make his job better or solidify his future. He's got to stop complaining to you and make decisions for himself. The only way he'll do it is if you stop giving him reassuring cuddles whenever he goes into complaining mode. I know it's counter-intuitive, but be harsh. Next time he starts up, ask him what he's going to do about it. You can still provide advice, but you can't tell him what to do. He's got to figure it out on his own in order to start learning how to stand on his own two feet.
Be supportive and loving, but firm. Don't allow him to get sidetracked into a self-pity spiral. Tell him you'll be right there by his side should he take action, but while he's stagnating you're going to step back and let him figure it out. He'll very possibly get mad (goodness knows I do when my husband does this) but that can be good. If he can get angry, he can fight for himself. Fight is exactly what we lose when we're depressed. He's got to get his back.
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