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He's older.. ha.
Okay. Here we go.
Basically I'm a sixteen year old female who likes an older guy. Now, the first thing I'd imagine that would come to someone's mind while reading this is that it's probably a sexual thing. And it's not like that at all. He's actually one of the youth leaders at my church and he's in his early twenties.
Yes, I know, that's a HUGE age difference.
And yes, I know, it's a bit of a problem.
And that's why I'm seeking advice.
Across time, there have been some strange "moments", for lack of a better word, between him and I. For instance, I've looked over at him randomly and caught him staring at me a few times (but I'm sure that's just a coincidence because people look at other people all the time). Plus, he's joked around with me a lot, and we've talked on Facebook a bit (but then again, I'm sure it's nothing). By now, the majority of whoever's reading this is probably thinking that this is bad and it needs to stop because it's inappropriate and such. Which, in a way is true. But on the other hand, I feel like it's completely innocent because nothing inappropriate has happened or been said.
The way I see it, I'm just a girl with a crush that will probably go away in a while. But then I stop and think about how much I really like him. You might say it's just that lustful feeling or the feeling of danger that comes with liking an older guy. And I've asked myself if that was the case. Honestly, I don't believe it is.
And I don't even remember what my purpose for beginning this "question" thing was. I think I was going to ask if I should just quit on liking him, to put it bluntly.
Look. I don't want to. He's amazing, sweet, hilarious and all that jazz. And really, the ONLY thing that's a problem is the age difference.
My question is, should I let something like that get in the way? I mean OBVIOUSLY I'm not going to make a move or DO anything about it, at least not until I'm of legal age. But what SHOULD I do, guys? I don't want to go for it or anything because of how badly it might end up (loss of friendship, the pure awkwardness of it, etc.). But I definitely don't want to miss out on the opportunity of getting to know a great guy.
Help?
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One thing which you haven't made clear is how he feels about you. You're very vague about what exactly you discuss on Facebook, or any other interaction you have. Is it possible that he sees you not as any kind of romantic prospect, but rather as a a young person to whom he can reach out and help to learn? That is, after all, part of his job.
And since that IS part of his job, it is important that you keep it on that level. For you to approach him in a romantic or sexual way would be very inappropriate and could cause him great harm. We live in a time when there have been much-publicized cases of church leaders in scandalous relationships with young members of the church; if something even approaching a dating relationship happened between the two of you, and word of it got out, he would face severe consequences.
But, you already seem to know that, since you've stated clearly that you don't intend to DO anything about it. And that's how it will have to be.
Now, you can't very well stop yourself from liking him. Nor should you; lying to yourself about the way you feel is not a good habit to get into. But don't focus exclusively on him either. Naturally, a man in his early twenties is generally going to seem more attractive to you than one your own age; he's more confident and mature, clearly a man instead of a boy, and that is all very appealing. And there was a time in human history when an age gap like that would NOT have been considered inappropriate (of course, if you had lived at that time, you probably wouldn't have had much say in the matter of which men you see socially, so there's no point in wishing things were still like that). The point is that basic instincts change slower than society's rules, so it is natural that you would find him attractive in spite of the age gap.
Go ahead and crush on him, and leave it at that. But also realize that he will be attracted primarily to women four to six years older than you, and the odds are good that he'll be unavailable by the time you're a legal adult. So don't pass up other prospects closer to your age while you're waiting for that day to come.
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Yes - you need to let his age 'get in the way' of this.
Because basically no matter where you live, if he is over twenty and in a position of authority over you (like a church leader) having a romantic relationship with you could result in him loosing his job, going to jail and/or becoming a registered sex offender.
The age difference is not the only problem, but even if it was, a problem that could ruin his life is a pretty big problem.
There are also the other problems associated with this kind of age difference from mid-teen to mid-twenties.
There is the fundamental power imbalance in such a relationship which means you cannot both make decisions about your lives with equal authority and weight.
And the simple fact that if he is a healthy young adult, he should have very different views on and needs from a relationship than you do.
And finally, in completely honesty, if he, in his twenties, see a sixteen year old girl as a viable romantic partner - there is something kind of wrong with him.
Doesn't matter how awesome you are. You could be Aphrodite herself. Doesn't matter. If he considers you a good partner right now, and takes the deeply irrational and dangerous risk of dating you - then he's a dumbass with some pretty poor judgment.
It's fun to have a crush. It's not always wise to act on it. Acting on this crush would be very, very unwise.
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It's never easy getting over a crush. As for the age difference, you are young. 17, while he in his 20s. Perhaps, if things continue on like this, and when you are finally a legal adult, and both feelings are mutual, then it wouldn't be such a problem. But for now, continue being friends. There is NOTHING wrong with having feelings for a friend. That's how all relationships start, whether it's soon, or later. But I would suggest, taking time with it. This way, no one gets in trouble. Who knows? Perhaps you may find things that "turn you off" of him. I'd say, just continue being friends, if you're able to get over him on your own, it's fine. Means you didn't lose a friend, if you can't get over him, that's fine as well, means you gained a friend a partner. You can be with someone and still be friends. :3 And if he really is as great as you say he is, then hopefully, IF a break-up should ever occur, you both can still continue being friends.
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