A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Member Since: July 16, 2007
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Last Update: April 13, 2014
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When did sex become so bad? I get that teenagers shouldn't just sleep around and pregnancy & STDs are a problem. But why do parents go to great lengths to make their teens feel guilty about wanting and/or having sex? If its so natural and if everyone feels the need at some point, shouldn't it be talked about more openly and embraced in a better manner?
I'm 16, thinking about having sex for the first time, but I keep finding notes from my parents saying, "Absolutely no sex. Wait until your married."
I'm not religious, but I'm not a bad person. (All A's, no drinking or drugs) So why do my parents make me feel awful for even thinking about it?
Ugh. Thanks.
I just want opinions and how other people's parents react. (link)
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Alright. Lecture incoming. I'll try to keep it an interesting read.
Opening disclaimer: I believe in sex before marriage. I think that sex approached in an adult manner strengthens relationships, and I think that its important for people to know they're sexually compatible before they commit to life together. I think everyone has the right to choose that themselves, and I don't look down on waiting, its simply not something I'd choose.
On with the show!
Your parents are afraid for you. I'm going to divide it up.
STDs
Yes, Your parents are afraid of the problems with STDs possible. Because even if you take ridiculous precautions, something can always go wrong. They're prefer complete prevention, and knowing their daughter isn't having sex is a bonus.
Relationships
Its a well known fact that sex complicates things. Sex opens your relationship up to alot more fighting, alot more resentment, and alot of things that you have to be very adult to manage.
I agree that immature teens should avoid sex for this reason, often times teens will have sex but aren't adult enough to understand or control the things it brings up in their heads.
Guys
Guys are wired to want sex, and during puberty to want it alot. It is a powerful enough urge to make guys want to do whatever they can to get laid.
To compound this, guys usually aren't as mature as girls in certain areas during the teen years. Specifically, the areas that make a person a decent relationship partner. Guys don't know and aren't thinking about maintaining a relationship, they just want to be liked and get laid.
Often times, a guy who will be perfectly datable later isn't when he's 16 to 18.
Pregnancy
This is a perfectly valid worry.
Pregnancy brings up tons of issues. First is the abortion question, and even if you are staunchly against it you'll ask yourself if you could do it at least once, and that won't be a fun self discussion.
Not having the kid brings issues. Having the kid brings others. Adoption can be pretty hard on people, and having the kid and keeping him or her yourself can really fuck up both your life and the kid's lives.
You'll realize the truth of this once you've moved out, but you pick up ALOT from your parents. Habits, mentalities, senses of normalcy, even conscious and subconscious reactions to things. Its very important for parents to set an example for their children of what a normal well adjusted adult is. Or as close as they can get.
A child with a 16-18 year old mother doesn't have much of a role model. You aren't a fully formed person at that age, you haven't learned nearly enough about life to be able to be a living example, and worst of all you can't take care of yourself yet, much less a kid. Its important for kids to have examples of self reliance and self support to learn from, and a teenaged mother can't do it on her own or with a young father.
Basically, you screw the kid because you aren't prepared to provide a life and an example for them yourself. And you screw yourself because its really hard to improve yourself when you're trying to teach a kid how to behave.
Religion
Religion has made a significant effort for a LONG time, think more than two millennia long time, to demonize sex.
Its something thats relatively universal. Think about it. Sex is a natural urge. Its something everyone wants, even feels a need for.
Now, one of the common threads religions use is that you find forgiveness in the religion. Somehow, by being a part of this religion, your wrongs are forgiven.
How do you make sure that everyone feels like a sinner, like they're doing or wanting something wrong?
You tell them their natural urge is evil and dirty.
You have a good attitude about sex. Healthy and mature for your age. Sex isn't bad, it isn't dirty, and its not something that should be shunned and treated as something you do in private and don't talk about.
As far as your parents, for the reasons stated above they are worried about you having sex. Be intelligent, use protection, you've probably heard it all before but its worth stressing the importance of planning your life and following your plan. If kids aren't in your plan, be on birth control and use a raincoat.
Embrace what you want to embrace, but don't be surprised when others aren't as accepting of the world they live in. Denial is the most predictable of human responses, and people tend to label that which they are not comfy with as "bad"
Just recognize this, you seem capable of making your own analysis. Seek out like minded individuals.
I come from a catholic family. My parents had separate bedrooms and such for a good part of while I lived there and for sure after I moved out.
My girlfriend and I are very open about sex, we talk about fantasies alot, and sex is an open topic between us. We explore new things as a couple and in general sex is something that has brought us alot closer. Its also still electric after 4 years. Its getting better.
Thats the difference an open perspective makes.
My only real question here is how much you and your boy have talked about sex. Openly, honestly, non-judgmentally, about what you both want, think you need, etc?
Regardless of your answer, theres always room for more discussion.
Plus its fun to talk to your sig other about sex =p
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this dude i use 2 go with our relationship was on and off u knw but we still have sex and he nuts inside me but he told me that he cant have kids what should i do bout it (link)
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Nice question, maybe if you read my column you can submit one I'll answer.
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okay im gonna buy a new comp for gaming for my birthday and i am just deciding which one and i came across this one and I am wondering is this good for games cause it says it is.
# Processor: AMD Phenom 9850 X4 2.5GHz
# Memory: 8GB (4 x 2GB) 800MHz RAM
# HD Capacity: 2 x 640GB + 150GB Raptor(10k RPM)
# Graphics Card: 2 x HD4870 1GB DDR5 Graphics Card
# Operating System: Vista Home Premium 64-bit SP1
# Optical Drive: DVD-SM + BD-ROM
# Liquid Cooling CPU Thermal Solution
# Logitech Gaming - G11 Keyboard and G5 Mouse
# Gigabit Ethernet
# 750W Power Supply
# Up to 4 EasySwap HDDs (link)
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Are you serious?
8 Gigs of ram puts you 3-4 gigs past what you will EVER use. People can multibox WoW on 2 gigs, and can window play bioshock while surfing the internet on 3-4.
You've got dual hard drives, and the small one is big enough to hold most programs you'll ever want, so you can game off the 10k and store media on the 640.
Dual 1 Gig graphics cards. I have 128 MB in mine (and die a little inside when I think about it) and right now I'm wondering if you're showing off or something.
Liquid cooling, enough wattage to run whatever, good ethernet card, the only thing you didn't mention is the sound card, which is a really cheap upgrade if you go high end budget card. A hundred can get more than you'll need unless you'e got an entire room wired to 200 speakers.
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I'm 15/F. And i'm dating a guy who is 17. We've been dating for 2 months now, and he's starting to talk about wanting to have sex. I'm still a virgin, and i'm scared to death. I told him I didn't think I was ready yet, and he got kind of aggravated, and said, "that's okay, that's not what i'm in this relationship for anyway" And he's been mentioning it more and more. Any Advice for if i do decide to have sex with him? Or anything else i should do?
I really don't want to lose him. (link)
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One 17 year old boy is pretty much like another. At your age, theres nothing this guy provides that another can't match and better, especially considering the someone shitty person you described.
Its already time to move on. You're 15, you shouldn't be in a relationship where theres pressure to have sex. If sex is the only thing thats going to save your relationship, its not worth saving.
I know its hard. It feels great to feel liked. Its a self esteem booster and if someone else likes you that much its that much easier to feel confident in yourself.
Hes not the only guy in the world capable of liking you, and there are definitely guys out there who can provide the maturity you honestly need in a boyfriend.
The guy you're with isn't one of those guys. Time to trade up.
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So ealier I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time, (not my first time, ours like in our relationship) ...
We were kissing and he pulled it out and was trying to put it in and I realize, there's no condom! I ask "Do u have a condom on?" He said "No, i'll get it in a minute. I don't want to get up." A MINUTE?! YOU DON'T want to get up?! So I made him stop and go "find" one because he didn't know where one was! Can you please tell me what could have been going through his head? I'm pretty sure I should take this as a red flag! How should I confront him about it? I'm so disappointed in him because I THOUGHT we were great for each other! (link)
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Bullshit.
I'm impulsive, I act without thinking alot, and I still don't miss things like that.
Ask him why he was about to do that. Let him know its a big deal to you. If he blows it off, you might want to start thinking about how to break up with him.
Willfully violating a partners trust in the sack is fucked up, if he tries to play it off or repeats it ever again its time to move on.
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A long time ago i read this inuyasha fan fic where inuyasha and kagome get married and inuyasha takes her to a house where his father and mother came for like a honey moon. there is a demon servant that used to serve inuyasha's father. In the bedroom there is a big fur covered bed. Kagome and inu have lots of sex in this one and inuyasha turns kagome into a half demon. It had quite a few chapters, and it was really sweet and romantic.
does anyone know where i could find it again? (link)
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Ok, seriously, Hentai is a term applied in common usage to anything related to anything anime that is porn.
You can shut up about it, because you looked hentai up on an internet dictionary while I'm a part of the groups who brought the word into general use in the English lexicon.
And, in case you didn't know, a word is considered a word or means something when the use is commonly understood in context by the majority of people who use it, thus my use of it was both correct and accurate to the situation. Its porn about anime characters, that makes it fall into the "hentai" category.
And once again, the fact that you found porn with a storyline doesn't make it any less porn.
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heeyy..
am a 16 year old female.. nd i already got too tired from life.. i wanna gt away from it.. its all that i want right now..
i just wanna know the best way to do it..
and please answer me as soon as possible.. cuz i wanna do it by next week max..
thnxx all xoxox (link)
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When I was 12-14 I could not imagine my life ever getting better. For a variety of reasons I won't get into (still too painful) I was a fucked up mess of a person. I hated myself and everyone around me.
I thought about what you're thinking about. I came close a few times, too.
I realized, at some point, that in a very fundamental way I didn't care about myself. I've never once in my life thought it would be a tragedy if I died. To a degree, I still don't. Its something I'll grip with for the rest of my life, probably.
But I found something I did care about. My friends. My family. The people in my life. What got me out was the decision to, as best I could, live for others. I'm on the path to being a psychiatrist and family counselor, I'm elbow deep in fixing my friends lives, and I'm working on supporting my girlfriend (whom I truly love more than life itself) so that she can achieve and experience what she wants in life.
Seeing my presence be a positive impact on the lives of those around me has been one of the most profound and life changing things I've personally experienced. Its made me a better person, because I understand I cannot neglect myself, but if I can manage to not do that I still have alot to give to other people.
No matter what you think, there are people who would be fucked up to know you were gone. Friends and family. Ending your life is selfish and shows that you need a little perspective.
I'm relatively happy right now. I couldn't imagine those words ever coming out of my mouth when I was where you are. I have a great relationship, great friends, and am on the path to my career (however many long years its going to take me).
You're 16. I remember being 16, and I know that at that age its really not possible to understand how truly young you are. But you are, life has ALOT more to unwind before you kick the bucket, and while the bad parts suck right now, later on you get to be an adult, move past them, and understand them and yourself better. It gives you perspectives on life and appreciating things that others can't have.
If you make this choice, you miss out on everything that is possible. In the span of human existence, thats alot.
To answer your specific question, there are no ways to reliably and painlessly off yourself. A fair amount of teen suicide attempts end up in the hospital very messed up, get counseling and get over what was sending them in that direction, and then had alot of things to learn to live with after.
I can promise one thing.
If you don't kill yourself, you will be glad you made that choice later on. As long as you're willing to look for it, life always gets better.
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someone once told me not to download limewire because it makes a open connecting and will easily let viruses into my computer,
but i want to download music and stuff.
so is this true? and if so any other good music downloading sites that won't give me a shiznit load of virus?
i'd love you feedback, :) (link)
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Limewire is terrible.
Its very common for people to take something popular like a song and imbed a virus in it so that when it opens, the virus is loose. Its hard to detect alot of it simply because via limewire new viruses can spread really, really quickly. Its an easy way to get something that antiviruses haven't countered yet.
Itunes is about the only real site for music you could expect to be reliable. Nothing free, especially for music, will be. The good and safe sources aren't sources you can come up with on google. Theres not a website you can go to, you have to run across people you can get music from.
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18 male
ok so this past weekend i was hanging out with a couple friends noah, john, megan... and i really like noah well theres one problem hes straight... anyway i ended up making out with his best friend john to make him jelouse well yeah that didnt work so the next day i ended up haveing sex with my best friend chris to get over noah... is what i did right? what should i do? (link)
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Don't fall for straight guys.
If you were making out with a guy in front of me because you liked me, I would feel absolutely nothing except a strong desire for the two of you to get a room.
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I'm a 17 year old girl and for a few years now I've been bi-curious. I very recently got out of a relationship with a boyfriend and through the 16 months i was with him i told him and he fully accepted it. Mostly to the hope it would some day lead to a threesome. I thought that if i was seriously interested in women that i would just know, but recently i just don't understand what i'm going through.
For the past few years I've been wondering if i was bisexual because I was, and still am sexually attracted to men and women. I just could never imagine myself in a relationship with another woman. When i was with my ex boyfriend, because i was so in love with him it never occurred to me to be with another woman but since we've broken up, i just feel like, i could be with a girl or a guy but I just don't know.
Do you just...know when your bi? Can i just become bi? Is it something your just born with? Help? (link)
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So theres this girl I know.
Lets call her Hannah.
Hannah was in a long term relationship, but had had leanings like yours for a while. She'd only ever dated guys.
Her boyfriend was like yours, he encouraged her interest in girls with similar hopes, and eventually she spent the night with another girl.
She realized that she was fully bi, could date a woman conceivably but still very much liked guys.
Lets talk now about Linda.
Linda was the girl Hannah spent the night with. Linda had similar leanings, and had wondered. After that night, she realized she had no particular draw to girls, and didn't really want to be with one a second time.
The common thread here is sex, but I'm not saying that you have to go sleep with a girl to find out. What you need is intimacy. A first kiss should tell you alot about how you feel about it. Do you kiss and the curiosity just kind of fades, and you realize that its almost a little uncomfortable, or do you feel that soaring feeling of attraction and the little flips your stomach does during a first kiss?
Linda felt the first, and Hannah felt the second. Until you at least go through the motions of dating a girl, being interested in a girl physically, along those lines you probably won't be able to work it out.
The "I can't imagine dating a girl" is more because of societal conditioning and the assertion that "you are straight" you've been under up until a few years ago than it is because of your internal desires.
Its definitely alot harder to figure out than gay or straight. Bisexual you can feel attraction for both, but gay or straight you get to rule one out, and its generally alot easier to say no than it is to know when you should say yes.
Another girl said something below I kind of agree with. I think alot more people would be gay or bi did it not still have a lingering stigma.
I personally know that I'm not attracted to guys, but I was raised in a strict catholic family, and my cousin Amy IS bisexual. She's somewhat shunned by the rest of the family (I adore her, as the only other black sheep) and is not allowed to bring her partner to family gatherings.
If I WERE gay, I would probably still be in the closet to most of the world. If I were bi, I think I'd be able to figure it out, but I'd never be able to admit it to anyone or do anything about it.
If you think you are, its worth exploring. If its a part of who you are its something you need to figure out and embrace one way or another, even if you learn that you don't want to date girls and are just attracted to them sexually. It will be one more piece of yourself that you can claim as your own, something you know that no one can take away.
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okay so today my grades from school came in. suuucked! you see, i usually get a's and maybe one or two b's. but this time i got some c's. so my mom was really really mad at me since i kept tellin her that i was doin good in school. also she asked me why i was so tired sometimes. so she ended up taking my phone away.
i had no time to erase any of my text messages. but i handed her the phone. not only did she read a lot of my text messages, she viewed who i was callin, who was callin me, and voice mail ppl had left me. i feel like i have no privacy at all. :(
anyway, after my mother had gone through all the spying, she came into my room and asked me all these questions. she asked me who carlos was. of course i knew that was my bf but i never told her i had a bf because i knew she wouldnt accept that. so i lied to her and said he's just my friend. but she caught me. she knew i was lieing. she told me she also knew why i was tired all the time. it was because of my late phone calls i had with my boyfriend. she said that i have no respect for her, all i do is lie, and that i have a dirty mouth. Also that she has no reason to believe anything i say to her anymore.
i feel horrible since i made her cry. i dont know what i am goin to do...what should i do??! (link)
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You're both wrong in this situation.
Your mother is making this too personal. She should be prepared for her kids to lie to her, EVERYONE lies to their parents.
Similarly, keep that in perspective yourself. Its part of growing up, and given her reaction its understandable that you'd hide what you hid. You really didn't fuck up that badly.
If you were my kid, I'd be pissed that you lied, but I also wouldn't have reacted with huge disbelief about the grades. I think its kind of fucked up that she seems less concerned about your grades than the lie.
Heres the trick to handling parents like yours.
Be as adult as humanly possible. Be calm, don't get angry or upset, and if you do ask to leave the room to compose yourself. Be honest and a bit blunt.
What I would say, in your situation.
"Mom, I'm sorry that I lied to you. I was afraid of your reaction to finding out I had a boyfriend. Its new territory, and I didn't know how you'd react, but from what I understand about the history of parents it wasn't going to be good.
I do respect you, and I do NOT lie to you constantly. I am sorry if you've lost trust in me, but I do NOT lie constantly to you.
I think you're right about the late phone calls affecting my grades, and I'm not going to stay up late like that anymore. My grades are important to me and I want to bring them back up. I hope you can forgive me and understand why I made the decision I did, however bad it was."
Then let her vent whatever she needs to.
Surprise her. Act like an adult, bring your grades back up, handle your relationship, and do so without her needing to tell you what or how to do it. It will open her eyes a little bit (hopefully).
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for me getting guys has never been a problem, the problem is they always screw me over. every guy i go for, no matter how different they may seem they usually turn out to be worse than the last. ive been through sheer hell in the relationship department and have felt like giving up but as sad as it is, i really do need a man to feel happy. i dont know why, or if thats pathetic, but i am not happy alone. i never feel good enough for anyone and each relationship results in my ego becomming lower and lower. i honestly have no idea what i do wrong. i try very hard not to be annoying, i stay in shape, i try and do nice things for them, and i try to take things slow sexually. im good at sexual acts so my problem is not that i dont know what im doing physically, but emotionally rather. i used to believe it was the guys but now im beginning to question, is it me? and why doesnt anyone actually like me? why do they all just want to use me? why is everyone capable of getting into amazing and functional relationships and im not. if you have any advice please let me know. i would like to know how i can become more of a relationship person, and how to detect if a guy is just looking to use me. (link)
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One of my best friends is just like you.
All the guys she's attracted to are relatively worthless, somewhat to very assholish, and she does everything she can to please them and wonders constantly if its her fault.
And in a way, it is.
One of the most basic parts of an adult relationship is communication. I'm wondering how many of these guys show genuine and constant interest in you, in what you think, in your stories and your history and your interests and everything that has to do with you. The guys you describe typically talk more about themselves than they want to listen to you, don't ask you about yourself that much, and spend more time trying to get laid than wondering whats going through your head.
You are trying to become the perfect woman, and in fact you're screwing everything about it up. The perfect woman is the woman who actually IS someone. A girl who has her identity separate from her relationships.
Why don't they like you? Because as it stands theres nothing there. What substance is there to a person who simply molds themselves to a situation?
My favorite description of what a relationship is, is its learning to fit someone else into your life.
Think about the wording. Learning to fit.
You learn to fit people into your life because no two people have everything perfectly in common. Relationships are about learning to bridge those gaps, establish trust and love, and make room in your life and your mind for another person. You work on yourselves and on each other, and eventually grow into something that meshes well. Something that actually does fit together.
If you mold yourself and do whatever your boyfriend needs, what need is there to learn about you? If you fit without a guy putting in any effort... well why the hell is he going to put in effort? Relationships are two way streets, and you're trying to do the entire thing yourself.
That doesn't work, and isnt attractive.
The solution is self awareness. You need to focus on yourself as a person. You need to take some time off from dating, maybe 6 months or a year, and get to know being alone. Get close and intimate with it. Learn to be alright with it. If you can't be OK alone you can't be OK in a relationship.
It is you, but its not what you think. Its not that you can't do anything well enough, its that you've got no clue what you should be doing in the first place.
I am confident because I improved myself. I wasn't confident the way I am now when I was 18-19. There wasn't a whole lot to who I was. I got off my ass, I started experiencing life, getting involved in things, getting myself out there as nothing but myself. I learned from my mistakes and from my successes, and I've slowly figured out both who I am and who I want to be.
Being yourself makes you stand out in a crowd. Think about your world, your life, and the people you know. How many girls do you know who are in some way "trendy"? How many times a day do you see someone doing something the way other people do it? The "Ghetto" trend where white kids pretend they're black, fashion, everything like it. People blend together because no one has enough self confidence to say whats right for them and not care about what others think.
You, in relationships, are the embodiment of all of the worst ideas in this line. You try to be the perfect girlfriend, but in fact what you are is your best approximation of what you think guys want.
Worst of all, you're at an age where the guys around your age don't know what they are really going to want in a woman, so plenty of guys are willing to date you. It gives you the illusion that you're doing things the right way, and when they break up with you you think you aren't good enough.
In reality, you weren't going about things in the right way to begin with, which is good and bad.
Your last question is a good one to end this on. What do you look for?
Look for guys who want to talk to you. Look for guys who want to talk about the same things you do. Look for guys who care about you, and look inside yourself for that spark of interest and be open to developing interests in guys you might now consider friends.
Thats one of the many things you should look for, but its one of the major ones.
The other, I would say, is openmindedness. A guy who is willing to change, or at least to consider whether he thinks he needs to. Avoid guys who always have to have their way, avoid guys who talk only about themselves, or who seem much more interested in hearing themselves talk than listening to you. Avoid guys who belittle you or dismiss you, especially early on. Avoid guys who can't take a little good natured teasing and get pissed off about it.
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18 female
I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months now, nearly 10 and we havnt had sex!
we have stayed over night with each other and went through all the steps but when we get to the stage of actually having sex he pulls away!
I know he isnt a virgin because I know a girl he has slept with! is it me? (link)
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Not nearly enough information to give you more than a guess, but more than likely he's scared of something, self conscious, something along those lines.
Bring it up. Ask him if he wants to talk about it, and let him know that whatever he needs is alright, and if he needs to wait you'll wait as long as he wants to. Let him know you just want to understand whats inside his head, and you want him to be able to share that with you.
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My boyfriend and I are perfect for each other. We didn't kiss for a loooong time and waited. I spent the night at his house last weekend with no intentions of even kissing but we kissed and kissed and kissed and were SO close to having sex. He really wanted to but I kept saying no (even though my body was telling me yes ! lmao!) because I want to wait & for it to be special. Later, he told me we really should wait, too. But bottom line is: we can't. I just know we can't wait. What can we do to in order to not have sex? Even by one little itty bitty touch, we're ready to get it onnnnnnnnn. hahahaha. (link)
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Nothing like life advice from a 13 year old.
The sex drive isn't going to go away. The easiest way to deal with it is to find other things to occupy your mind. When you both get horny, agree to go do something else, occupy yourselves so you have other things to concentrate on.
A few words.
Sex isn't special because its the first time, its special because of who you're with.
And you don't wait because you want it to be more special.
Do you know why parents want their kids to wait? Sex complicates everything.
Adult relationships are hard. They require work, effort, and an eye on the eventual goal of having a mature, working relationship where you aren't at each other's throats. It takes alot of fighting, alot of learning to put up with someone, and alot of compromise to reach that.
Sex adds one more thing to fight about, one more thing to resent the other person over, one more thing that can tear a relationship apart.
Let me give you an example.
One of the most common problems is once sex becomes somewhat normal in the relationship, people settle in to a groove of sexual desire. High sex drives might want sex once a day, low sex drives might only want it every week or two.
When one person wants the other person more than they feel they are wanted, it causes issues. It can feel like rejection, and is hard for both parties to overcome, because BOTH people have to compromise.
Sex is just one aspect of a relationship, and this is just ONE problem that sex can bring up. Given enough problems, enough fighting, and too little compromise a relationship can and will fail. Thats why its good to wait. You want to know each other, know how you will react and what it means, and know that you can handle problems that crop up like a pair of adults.
One question, do you two talk about sex? Is it hints and vague comments or have you had a one on one dialog about what you both want and believe. If you havent, its time. If you have, talk more.
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is it possible for two people to be together in the future if they see eachother once a month now? (link)
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My girlfriend and I got together 4 years ago, we were distance and could only see each other once a month.
About a year and a half ago we moved in together.
It was tough, you both have to want it, and be resolved to deal with whatever comes up as adultly as possible to get there, but its definitely possible.
How did we last? Every single day we reaffirmed that we wanted to make it work. Our relationship wasn't fate, meant to be, or any of that other fairy tale bullshit.
It was in the trenches 24/7 war. We fought the world and each other, but 4 years later it was worth every second.
If both of you don't want it that much, that you can look at each other even in the middle of a fight where you don't like each other in the moment, and remember that you're going to want to still be with this person tomorrow.
Thats hard as hell, but if you can find and nurture that, you can overcome anything together.
My recommendation, don't try to figure out if you can be together. Just try to make sure that you want to.
If six months, three months, a week down the road you realize you don't want to make this work anymore, re-evalute the relationship. Distance can't be maintained if both parties don't want it, and if one or the other of you doesn't want to find a way to make the two of you work, you wont. You have to handle issues as they come up, talk about whats going on in both of your heads, and if someone is pissed off, upset, or distant you both have to be willing to talk about why.
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please don't go on about how im such a terrible person because i already know :( so the other night i went to a party with my friend and she left me alone to go hook up with some guy..i didn't know anyone at the party so i just started talking to this guy, i thought he was really nice but i didn't want anything more than to talk to him and be friends. i got a little crazy and ended up alone with him and he stuck his tongue in my mouth (wanting to makeout)and i pushed him away right away and said no. (the horrible thing is i let him kiss me because the only guy i ever kissed was my current boyfriend and not gonna lie i was kinda curious to see what another guy ksses like...i know, COMPLETE MISTAKE on my part) i'm absolutely completely in love with my boyfriend of 8 months and i would never ever ever want to be without him...would you consider this cheating? and what should i do? like this guy says he sees me at school and i don't want it to be awkward? and i wanna be friends with him, im a really friendly person, i just don't want anything more because i love my boyfriend so much. any advice? thanks so much. (link)
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I would file this under "young and stupid, whatever" purely for the instinctive reaction.
Your judgment may be off a bit, but at least you've got your priorities in line deep down somewhere.
Most of the time I say the boyfriend deserves to know. In this case, its really not worth fucking up a relationship over. Learn your lesson and don't repeat it, beyond that just deal with it silently.
Though, you need to think about your need to be liked. People with a compulsion to be liked and the willingness to compromise themselves to get it get themselves into some very unfun fucked up situations.
Like now.
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Hey I'm a 21 year old in college for three years. I'm kinda tired of the whole dating scene, so I was curious of other places/ways to meet women. I've gone out with a few girls, but they just seem to be so flaky. I'm initially attracted to them because of beauty, but then I find out there's little else other then that to them.
I'm an attractive fit smart social guy so it just doesn't make sense to me why it should be so hard trying to find a relationship. I have a huge network of friends, and I use to party a lot but lately I've been more serious with school and gotten away from that stuff.
I've gone just about everywhere to meet women, and whenever I end up meeting a great one it's 100 percent of the time that they have a boyfriend. It feels like I'm beating my head against a wall.
Any tips someone can give me for the situation??
-Thanks (link)
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Welcome to the world of decent standards.
The simplest advice would be to say to pick up (or renew) a hobby that gets you around people. Find reasons to be around people, talk to everyone you get a chance to, and see what pops up.
It doesn't sound like you have trouble with opening, but yeah its hard to find new people to date sometimes.
Its a numbers game. The more people you're around, the more chances to get to know people.
Its also worth mentioning that if you tend towards girls who look a specific way (as often happens to guys who date beautiful girls with balls of fluff upstairs) that you lock yourself into stereotypes. Instead of going out and actively searching for a "date" just go out and talk to girls, and be open to opportunities.
Every great relationship I've had has come pretty organically. I wasn't approaching any of them with the intention of dating them, but I was open to it, dating happened, and with my current I'm quite pleased with the results four years later.
As to the "has a boyfriend" routine, pick a few winners and keep track of them. Just try to avoid being the rebound. Never sleep with a girl within two or three months of a breakup, it almost always fucks your chances.
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i am a 20 year old female. I broke up with my ex after us being together for 4 years. it was a very emotional abuseive relationship. a week after he and i finally officaly broke up i went to meet a guy i had met on the internet he was honest with me about wanting sex..im not into that epecially so soon but after two days we did. it has been a week he hardly talks to me doesnt have interest in me or what i do and openly admits to not careing about me "cuz we hardly know eachother" am i rushing this and is this guy just using me..im so confused on what to do.. so was i wrong to meet this guy and wrong to jeprodize my morals for him?? (link)
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Were you expecting a relationship?
I mean, it sounds like you met up with a guy for what was mutually agreed to be sex, and then automatically became attached.
You did make a mistake, not because of your morals but because you don't understand what sex is or should be to _you_.
It doesn't sound like he intended to use you, it sounds like he was clear about the fact that he wanted to sleep with you, and now that its done he's honest about the fact that he's not interested in you without that.
You've just discovered the sad fact that men really don't have many standards in regards to sex. If its on the table and they want you, most of the time they will say yes.
But wanting sex doesn't (for guys) extend to wanting an emotional and intimate relationship. He's not trying to "use you" and you should walk away from him and just tell him "you're right, we don't know each other, and you aren't what I need right now. It was fun, have a nice life" and move on.
Be single for a while, you need to recover, a 4 year relationship takes a while to get over, even if you're the one who was ready for it to end.
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My son has had an issue of spitting at people and has gotten into trouble twice in the past three days. They have taken away recess and at home his dad and i have tried punishing him but it has continued. What should we do? (link)
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There needs to be understanding.
Some children do unexplainable things because of impulses they have that they can neither recognize or control. To be honest, this is a pretty severe clue towards something like ADD, you might want to look into that.
Get him talking. Take the anger out of it and seek to understand. He's 7, so its going to be hard to get him to take a look at himself, but if you approach it from an angle where you aren't angry, and you just want to know what he's thinking, he might be able to think back and figure out why he's doing it. Keep the frustration out of your tone when you talk to him and explain to him that you want to know whats going on inside his head, what he's thinking.
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F/15
Is it true that guys are only after that one thing--sex?
My older brother, 21, doesn't want me dating my current boyfriend. He's about a year older than me. He says, "I'm a guy and I hang out with guys. I know how they think, what they want, blah blah blah." My brother claims that fifteen is too early to be looking for a spouse, which is true. So, teens must be dating for only one reason these days--sex.
Well now that I think about it...why ARE we dating so young? It's not like we're going to get married at this age.
My brother won't stop making fun of the way my boyfriend dresses, he's a scene kid, I guess. I'm afraid that my brother will say something to his face. Even still, it hurts my feelings anyway.
Can someone help me be reasonable with him?? (link)
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Why do kids do adult things?
Because they want to pretend they are adults. Theres no value in being a child because being grown up is a way to try to elevate yourself among your peers. Its a natural reaction kids have to the fact that parents are adults and adults are more capable than children.
Is your brother right? Hes halfway there.
Guys are horny. Well, people are horny. We're designed that way. However, because of hormones present during puberty everyone's alot hornier with alot less reason behind it.
As guys get older, they learn to appropriately manage their sex drive and sexual behavior (hopefully, at least) and become more datable, but at 15 most guys are too inexperienced and too horny to know what to do with themselves. They will take sex however they can get it, even when they DO like you for more than just that.
Why should you be dating? So you can know what its like. You should be enjoying being liked, and liking someone in return. You should be learning how to trust a significant other and learning about guys and what the things they do mean.
When people are young, they have learning loves. A child cannot wrap their head around the scope of a mature relationship, but as you date and spend time with one person for longer and longer you grow up with them and learn about them, and you learn to increase your capacity for love.
I'm sure you've heard that teens can't really be in love, or the line "you're too young to fall in love"
Imagine that your love is a bucket. When you start out dating, all it takes is enough love and care to fill a bucket to qualify as "I love them".
As you get older, you move up to a swimming pool, then a lake, the gulf of mexico, the Pacific Ocean. At each point your capacity for love of a person increases. This can happen over many years with one person or over several relationships, different people come to it different ways.
But basically, your capacity for love, and your ability to know a person and understand them forms a depth of relationship unlike anything you could probably imagine now.
My girlfriend can finish my sentences. Things we've never discussed before sometimes, she knows me so well that she knows how I think, and can imagine a situation from my perspective and figure out how I will react to, with a slightly unnerving degree of accuracy.
The love that accompanies knowing someone that well is amazing.
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