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for me getting guys has never been a problem, the problem is they always screw me over. every guy i go for, no matter how different they may seem they usually turn out to be worse than the last. ive been through sheer hell in the relationship department and have felt like giving up but as sad as it is, i really do need a man to feel happy. i dont know why, or if thats pathetic, but i am not happy alone. i never feel good enough for anyone and each relationship results in my ego becomming lower and lower. i honestly have no idea what i do wrong. i try very hard not to be annoying, i stay in shape, i try and do nice things for them, and i try to take things slow sexually. im good at sexual acts so my problem is not that i dont know what im doing physically, but emotionally rather. i used to believe it was the guys but now im beginning to question, is it me? and why doesnt anyone actually like me? why do they all just want to use me? why is everyone capable of getting into amazing and functional relationships and im not. if you have any advice please let me know. i would like to know how i can become more of a relationship person, and how to detect if a guy is just looking to use me.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
One of my best friends is just like you.
All the guys she's attracted to are relatively worthless, somewhat to very assholish, and she does everything she can to please them and wonders constantly if its her fault.
And in a way, it is.
One of the most basic parts of an adult relationship is communication. I'm wondering how many of these guys show genuine and constant interest in you, in what you think, in your stories and your history and your interests and everything that has to do with you. The guys you describe typically talk more about themselves than they want to listen to you, don't ask you about yourself that much, and spend more time trying to get laid than wondering whats going through your head.
You are trying to become the perfect woman, and in fact you're screwing everything about it up. The perfect woman is the woman who actually IS someone. A girl who has her identity separate from her relationships.
Why don't they like you? Because as it stands theres nothing there. What substance is there to a person who simply molds themselves to a situation?
My favorite description of what a relationship is, is its learning to fit someone else into your life.
Think about the wording. Learning to fit.
You learn to fit people into your life because no two people have everything perfectly in common. Relationships are about learning to bridge those gaps, establish trust and love, and make room in your life and your mind for another person. You work on yourselves and on each other, and eventually grow into something that meshes well. Something that actually does fit together.
If you mold yourself and do whatever your boyfriend needs, what need is there to learn about you? If you fit without a guy putting in any effort... well why the hell is he going to put in effort? Relationships are two way streets, and you're trying to do the entire thing yourself.
That doesn't work, and isnt attractive.
The solution is self awareness. You need to focus on yourself as a person. You need to take some time off from dating, maybe 6 months or a year, and get to know being alone. Get close and intimate with it. Learn to be alright with it. If you can't be OK alone you can't be OK in a relationship.
It is you, but its not what you think. Its not that you can't do anything well enough, its that you've got no clue what you should be doing in the first place.
I am confident because I improved myself. I wasn't confident the way I am now when I was 18-19. There wasn't a whole lot to who I was. I got off my ass, I started experiencing life, getting involved in things, getting myself out there as nothing but myself. I learned from my mistakes and from my successes, and I've slowly figured out both who I am and who I want to be.
Being yourself makes you stand out in a crowd. Think about your world, your life, and the people you know. How many girls do you know who are in some way "trendy"? How many times a day do you see someone doing something the way other people do it? The "Ghetto" trend where white kids pretend they're black, fashion, everything like it. People blend together because no one has enough self confidence to say whats right for them and not care about what others think.
You, in relationships, are the embodiment of all of the worst ideas in this line. You try to be the perfect girlfriend, but in fact what you are is your best approximation of what you think guys want.
Worst of all, you're at an age where the guys around your age don't know what they are really going to want in a woman, so plenty of guys are willing to date you. It gives you the illusion that you're doing things the right way, and when they break up with you you think you aren't good enough.
In reality, you weren't going about things in the right way to begin with, which is good and bad.
Your last question is a good one to end this on. What do you look for?
Look for guys who want to talk to you. Look for guys who want to talk about the same things you do. Look for guys who care about you, and look inside yourself for that spark of interest and be open to developing interests in guys you might now consider friends.
Thats one of the many things you should look for, but its one of the major ones.
The other, I would say, is openmindedness. A guy who is willing to change, or at least to consider whether he thinks he needs to. Avoid guys who always have to have their way, avoid guys who talk only about themselves, or who seem much more interested in hearing themselves talk than listening to you. Avoid guys who belittle you or dismiss you, especially early on. Avoid guys who can't take a little good natured teasing and get pissed off about it.
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all you can really do is wait for a guy to come to you. when guys seem interested, take it slow, and try and find out things about them without being creepy about it. when they start talking to you, try playing hard to get. it makes them want you more, and they actually start to care more and try wayyy harder. its not you. its deffinately the guys because thats just the way they are. guys are really hard to find. especially when your a teenager because a lot of times they all act the same. guys are extremely hard to read. and really having a relationship in highschool is extremely hard. you go through a lot, but in the end it is all worth it. you just have to find the right guy, and thats the hardest part of anything that has to do with guys. you'll find him!!!
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maybe you're being too nice. i've had tha problem. they guy i dated was amazing before but then he became a complete jerk. it was because i let him. i let him do/say things he shouldn't have and just let him get away with it. it might be that. the might pick up off your behavior and see that you'll let them get away with whatever they want so they'll start doing things they shouldn't be doing it. thats one of the things that could be going on. it also might be that they just are how they are. they might just be a jerk and you don't know it. you can't blame it all on yourself. and if you end up falling for the wrong guys be more careful when you pick them. like get all your friends opinions and see how they treated their exs before you get into anything you might regret. and remember don't change for a guy. you are who you are and guys cannot accept you for that then it's their lose.
good luck.
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Some times guys can pick up on a "needy" type behavior. Regaurdless of your body type or amazing bedroom capabilities. So if you HAVE to be in a relationship I am willing to wager that they are picking up on that vibe.
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