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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
So, it's been 6 years since i talked to the girl i grew up with. We were best friends dreaming about going to high school together (which as fate would have it we did yet still don't talk)and when we grew up we would live next to eachother and always be friends, best friends! I know I was completely aware that I was the one to ruin what we had, you see just as these new kids moved in on the block I wanted to get to know them but my friends mom didnt want her hanging out with the new boys on the street. So I went on my own. And ever since we just drifted or I just found a new exstacy with my new friends and forgot the important one. Basically I need you to empathise with me, do you think there is anything you can say to help me clear my concience? Or just tell me what i already know.. I'm Horrible.
The Answer
How about sending her an email and asking her how she is?
You aren't horrible. You were a kid. You made some choice and now, looking back as an adult, you think your choices weren't the best ones you could have made.
Stop beating yourself up. If you think she's someone you might like to have in your life give her a damn call. You aren't dead yet. If you just want to sit around and regret decisions you made as a kid that's fine, but if you want to persue a friendship with someone you think is a good person and was important to you once - do that. It's a far better use of your energy.
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The Question
My wife and I have been married for 20+ years. We are both in our mid-40's and have two teenage boys. Both my wife and I were in multiple failed relationships before we met. So, we both had other sexual partners before our marriage. Since our marriage, I can't speak for my wife, but I believe our relationship has been monogamous; at least I have been monogamous. My wife even after kids, still has the figure of a 20 year old. I am still in good shape only 15 pounds heavier than when we married, but I am not chiseled anymore and have a slight muffin top form with a receding hairline. I think that our sex life is great! We still go at it like rabbits 4 sometimes 5 nights a week. Although, I must admit that I am not the man I was 20 years ago. I used to be able to maintain an erection all night and hammer away at the wife time and time again. The past 10 years or so it seems that after the first shot, I am ready to go to sleep; one and done. Even those little blue pills don't seem to help. Recently, my wife tells me that I don't satisfy her sexually anymore. My wife tells me that she still loves me. She claims that her love for me will never change since she has 2 kids and 20 years invested in me. But, my wife says she wants to sleep with other men. Not only that, but black men as well. My wife tells me that she dreams of screwing a black guy at work. She tells me that her girlfriend at work, another married woman has had an affair with this same black guy. Her girlfriend's husband knows nothing about the affair which my wife thinks is absolutely wrong! She says it is one thing to sleep with other men with your husband's approval and just plain down right dirty to sneak around behind your spouse's back. Her girlfriend tells her that this black guy has a 13 or 14 inch cock and thick as her arm. Now, I am fairly well endowed; I am about 10 or 11 inches and pretty thick but I am not quite as big as him. Although it has been more that 20 years since I had another woman, I don't ever remember a woman complaining about my cock. If they said anything at all about my cock, they said it was the biggest they ever had! My wife soaked her panties last night telling me about this black guy's huge cock. It made for some damn good sex while she was telling me about him, but afterwards it made me feel puny. I am worried. Is it lust?, infatuation?, or am I losing her? I told her I would have to think about it. I must confess that I feel like a pervert, but I have been checking my wife's panties in the laundry for some time now and have not found any unusually soiled panties. Therefore, I don't think that she has cheated. At least not yet. But I am afraid that if I say "NO", she will cheat. Her cheating girlfriend wants her to do a 3some. For your information; I am not a cuckold and have no desire to be dominated or submissive in my marriage. To me marriage is a shared responsibility and the husband and wife are equal partners. Personally, I have no desire to be with another woman, but I wonder what she would say if I had asked her for permission first? What do you think I should do?
The Answer
Well, are you okay with her having sex with other men?
You imply that you are not okay with this, but you don’t come out and say it.
If you are 100% not okay, with ever, under any circumstances, opening up your sexual relationship with your wife to include other people, then you need to tell her that.
She’s been honest with you. Something that took a lot of courage and trust on her part.
You owe her the same clear, honesty about your position, wants and needs.
Will she cheat if you are not okay with a sexually non-monogamous arrangement? Frankly, that’s always a risk in EVERY relationship ever, but after her honest conversations with you and 20+ years of marriage, she deserves the benefit of the doubt and your faith that she will keep whatever promise she has made to you. She didn’t cheat. She talked to you, her husband, about something she wants that impacts you both. Now you need to talk to her.
Here’s one more thing to consider – If you are open to her (or both of you) having sexual encounters with others, under some circumstances, that doesn’t mean this guy and this circumstance is okay. Clearly, it’s not. If I were in your shoes, I might be open to my partner having sex with other people HOWEVER, a guy who is cheating with her good friend is NOT a respectful or reasonable sex partner. Her friend (and this guy) have both proven that they are willing to cheat and deceive. That's makes them not the kind of people anyone should be inviting into their sex lives.
If your wife wants to have sex with this one guy – who has already proven himself to have fuzzy morality and is helping her friend deceive her husband – that’s not cool. That’s not a fair risk for your wife to ask you to expose yourself too (STDs, for example) or a fair emotional risk (the drama and secretes you’d be dragged into with these misbehaving and lying individuals).
So, do yourself a favor and separate the questions of “Can I respect my wife’s desire to have sex with others in some circumstances?” which, perhaps you can, and I personally think you should at least consider out of respect of her stated needs and desires, from the second question of “Am I okay with my wife sleeping with this guy?” which you have some very, very valid reasons to absolutely not be.
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The Question
i want to increase my breast size it is almost negligible i am age of 25 and gonna marry soon.can you tell me any sort of cream or medicine.
The Answer
There are only two ways to increase your breasts' size: Surgery and weight gain.
No pills or creams work. They are all scams. A few of them might cause swelling (like getting stung by an insect) but that will only be temporary change.
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The Question
Um, i am 13 and i want to dye my hair light brown, but i have not started my period yet. ( my original color is medium dark brown ) someone told me that if i dye my hair before i start my period, my hair could fall out. Will it really fall out, or is it a myth? Please help!
The Answer
Total myth.
There are downsides to dying, and I'd strongly recommend you save your money, and get at least your first colour job done at a salon where you can talk to the colourist about the upsides and downsides and how to care for colour treated hair.
But it's wont fall out because you haven't had your period yet. That's just silly.
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The Question
I am deeply in love with my teacher, I am obsessed with her and crave her immensely. She is such a beautiful and perfect lady. She is 28 and I am 16. I fantasize about her all the time and I can't stand the thought of not being wit her. I was thinking of one day staying after class at the end of the day for help and then when no one is around just grab her and kiss her on the lips and caress her body. I will also have one of my friends outside near the door so he can look out if anyone is coming. IF she tells anyone about it I will just say she did it to me and they will likely believe me since I am the young one and still considered a child so what could she possibly do? I hear just a claim from a student would immediately cause a teachers career to be over. And would she really want to spend money on lawyers and crap with her teacher salary? Also she is not married. I think this is a fool proof plan. I wish it didn't have to be this way but I am too obsessed with her to the point where it is affecting my life and can't stand the thought of not doing something with her, it is killing me
The Answer
What you are considering doing is called sexual assault. It's a crime. The police could be called. It is not okay to grab someone, kiss them and grope them. It's assault.
The fact that you consider lying about it after the fact is morally reprehensible. You don't love her. If you loved her you wouldn't ever consider assaulting her, and then blackmailing her with it.
You nee help. This is an obsession and its clear it could now lead you to illegal and immoral behaviour.
Don't act like a criminal, a creep and a crazy person. Get help for your unhealthily obsession. Talk to a doctor, a therapist or a counsellor.
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The Question
Hello I'm a 20 year old male that lives in Canada and slept with a 15 year old girl and was lied to about the age, I was under the influence that she was 16 not turning 16 in a week. I am wondering what can come of this? What can I be charged with? Can I be charged? Am I in the wrong? I know I am the adult here but people make mistakes and people lie how are we to know the truth with these lies thrown around so easily, what am I to do in this situation?
The Answer
In Canada, the age of consent is 16.
However, a fourteen- or fifteen-year-old can consent to sexual activity with a partner who is less than five years older than they are.
So, you are probably in the clear. It's unlikely you can be charged, and even more unlikely that you would be. Judges and prosecutors rarely waste their time on cases involving 14 and 15 year olds that aren't clearly exploitative.
Just save yourself some stress and don't have drunk hook ups with people you barely know. Also, cut off contact with this girl. If she lied to you once (at the risk of getting you in a shitload of trouble) she'll do it again. Stay away.
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The Question
i m just 23 and before three days i m going to hospiatal and take surgery operation in my first baby and doctor given me medic en but i m sufer from continously pain not tollerable plz suggest me wat can i do ,
thanks
The Answer
There isn't enough information here for us to help you. The only thing we can suggest to you is to call your doctor.
If your pain is unbearable, then you should talk to your doctor or go to the hospital.
If you are pregnant and in pain, you should call your doctor or go to the hospital IMMEDIATELY!
If your doctor gave you medication to terminate your pregnancy - that is a painful thing. It does hurt a lot. You should talk to that doctor about pain killers to help you manage it.
If you are going to the hospital to have a surgery because your pregnancy is dangerous to your health, then you should also call your doctor, to tell them that your pain is now much worse than it was when they last saw you.
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The Question
I just dumped my boyfriend of two month's two weeks ago.Why?
Because he told my brother to tell me that we are still together,but he's also dating someone else.I was really hurt.So I broke up with him.I told him to never talk to me,and I gave him all his gifts back.
But the wierd thing is,I miss him,and wish he would talk to me.
I also found out from his best friend that he cheats on alot of girls.
I feel like it's my fault he cheated on me,even though it's not.
He only did it,because I wouldn't kiss him.
I'm just confused as to what I should do.Should I give up,and accept that we were not meant to be?Or should I try to fix things?
The Answer
What's there to fix?
He lied to you from the beginning, two timed you and then blamed you for his decision to cheat and lie.
There is nothing here to fix. He's an asshole and this was never really a relationship to begin with. You were just one more girl he strung along.
Do really think you could be 'meant to be' with someone who thinks so little of you? Who insults you, lies to you and bullies you like that? Who is so cruel and selfish to other women as well?
I can't think of a single person on earth who deserves to be treated that way.
If he wants to fix himself, then maybe it's a question worth asking - but there is nothing you can do to fix him or the relationship. Let it go.
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The Question
So my brothers friend james he's in 9th grade and I'm in some7th grade. Ever since last summer we've both had crush on each other so we would try and hang out when school started. But every time he wanted to hang out i wasn't able to. Soon enough he thought i was blowing him off. Yet i wasnt and he told my friend that he was sad and mad at me , by the way he never talks to my friends about us because he doesn't want anyone to know he likes me. It been 2 weeks sence we talked. I don't know if he's worth the wait or if i should just get over him. Or if i should text him
The Answer
If you like him, but couldn't be free when he asked you to hang out, then now you need to ask him.
He put himself out there, and he thinks you rejected him. It's totally reasonable for him to think that, and not to want to put himself out there and get rejected again. You can tell him that you didn't blow him off (and you should tell him that) but he probably won't believe you, not entirely.
So if you want to show him that you do want to spend time with him, but just genuinely couldn't when he asked, the 100%, super obvious way to do that is to invite him to hang out yourself.
If you want to spend time with him, ask him. Waiting is for suckers and cowards.
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The Question
Dear readers,
I (32) have been with my boyfriend (38) for almost four years. Both of us have children from previous relationships. He has four children and I have one. My relationship lasted under two years and dissolved just after the birth. I went through shock and not having family around I was in financial ruin, with loads of debt and a little baby, I was also thrown away from my flat as I didn't work and my ex left. I ve gone through depression, councelling, CBT etc. I had post natal depression which did not just go away. I didn't think I was capable mother, I was shouting at my baby and snapping. I lived with constant feeling of guilt and fear, anxiety and panic attacks. As time went passed I met my current partner and we started relationship. When we started sleeping together I wasn't on any birth control. I was reluctant to taking hormones. I was worried and stresses every month, I told him that I am going to use contraception and he was fine with it. He was taking me to doctors himself. Few months later I was feeling very depressed and had mood swing and cried so we decided that I stop this contraception. However, we are very passionate lovers not the best at stopping in the right time so the story repeated every month by me being sooo stressed about getting pregnant. I had to keep taking morning after pills and in the end I ve had about 7 of them in space of few months. I told him that I don't want to take them anymore as it was too much and I was worried. He agreed that I shouldn't but our accidents still happened. I took another one and told him about it. He said that he feels put off that I am running to pharmacy getting another pill each time we make love as its taking away the pleasure. I defended myself saying that I must protect myself as we have not had planned children at that stage and I was afraid to find myself in the same position, unmarried and having child. Since I managed to stand back on my feet after becoming single mother I have always dreamed about having the chance of setting up a family and having another baby, planned and loved, all in the right order, so called stability. I tried to talk to my partner about choice of contraception, he kept saying that he doesn't know but months were passing by and I could get pregnant. It seemed that he didn't want me to use contraception as it puts him off. I felt like in the corner. I love him very much and our love life is just beautiful. I was afraid to lose his passion so seven months ago I decided to start using contraception and I didn't tell him about it. As time passed he started asking me how come I am not pregnant yet. He asked if I am taking contraception. At this point I lied and said no. He asked few more times along the time and I did not admit. I always wanted to tell him but I feared that it would distance him. I very often brought up a topic of having kids, and asked him if he would want one with me. He never said he wants one but said that he could have one and that if I was pregnant he wouldn't mind. I said that I would like a baby too but when we are married (he wanted to marry me but never proposed). I wanted to hear from him that he would like to have a baby with me when I am ready, that he dreams of it or something like this, more than just I wouldn't mind. I couldn't take a risk. Last night he asked me again if I am using contraception. I told him the truth. His reaction was devastating. He pulled faces saying that he is disgusted with me, that I have taken away all our closeness and that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He said that I am a liar and that I lie all the time. He said that he should have been told, that this is our love life and he should know. I agree with this but I was afraid to tell him. He then said that he gave me signs that he wanted a baby and said that he always wanted us to have some bond and that baby would have sealed it but he never said that to my face. He was saying about bond in form of marriage or buying house but not baby. He says that he loves me but he can't live with this. He asked how could I treat him so badly after what he has done for me and he has done a lot for me, he has been bringing up my daughter as his own and she loves him soooo much and calls him daddy. My boyfriend has a big heart and gets hurt very easily, he is also very impulsive, when we argued in the past he has been taking his clothes and moving out leaving me several times. When doing this he always said that I don't love him as much as he loves me and that I will leave him one day anyway. This is simply not true. I tried explaining that everyone loves in their own way and shows feeling in their own way. This did not help. Now he feels very hurt about me lying to him for so long and I am in the corner. I didn't want to lie, I didn't do it cause I planned to leave him, I don't want anything more than to be with him and have a home and a baby. I was just too scared to get pregnant without being sure if he really wants us to have a baby and at the same time I was scared to infringe on our love life. Please someone out there tell me who is right or wrong. I love this man, I have never thought seriously about any man or marriage until I met him. We are so so similar, our characters, what we like and so on. Last night before our argument he said he wouldn't be able to live without me. I am sat here now thinking where is it all gone? Why did I get the worse judgement? Why did I lie? Lie is disgusting but do I not deserve at least understanding?
I will be grateful for your advice.
The Answer
You made a mistake when you failed to stand up for what you really wanted, (marriage first, than a baby) and when you lied about your contraception use.
However, he also failed to stand up for he wanted and how he wanted your lives together to work, and now he is punishing you, not just for your lies, but for failing to read his mind and trust him when he hadn't been clear and honest with you.
Neither of you asked for what you needed, or discussed the terms on which you'd be comfortable moving on together in your relationship.
Yes, you should have been honest with him, but you had every right to take contraception even if he disagreed. And he should have been honest with you if he wanted a child.
You both tried to manage your relationship with lies and deception. You both fucked up royally.
You should try therapy if you both want to continue this relationship. You both need new techniques for managing disagreement in healthy and honest ways, and your boyfriend needs to recognize that he wasn't honest with you either. Giving you 'signs' is NOT good enough when it comes to a decision as serious as having a child. You might have been wrong to lie, but you were perfectly right to be concerned and take precautions when your partner wasn't talking plainly with you about having a baby.
Frankly, although I don't have much to go on from your question here, and although you made a huge mistake and breach of trust, I'm still a bit concerned this guy is manipulating and controlling you. Some men use getting a women pregnant as a form of control and his extreme reaction to you not be pregnant after seven months (despite never expressing that he really wanted a baby) sounds like that form of control. Add to that the threats of leaving and the disrespectful "You don't love me enough!" complaints, and he sounds like someone who only feels safe in his relationship when you feel scared and are desperate to please him.
So, stop beating yourself up. You made a mistake. Apologize and commit yourself to change, but don't forget that he was in the wrong too. If you both can apologize and address those errors, maybe you can move on together. If he continues to berate you, test you and be dishonest about his own desires, then the relationship needs to end.
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The Question
At school theres this girl and she always talkes to him and she dated him too before me and she always walks with him I don't wanna tell him that I don't like it or her because they will say there just best friends but this girl is a hoe she dates everyone what should I do
The Answer
There is nothing you can do besides talk to him about it.
You can't make them stop being friends, but it's okay to tell your boyfriend that it makes you uncomfortable.
But, if she's your boyfriend's friend, you should stop calling her names. You don't have to like her, but you should give her a chance for his sake.
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The Question
Hi, sorry I didn't know which category this belongs in, and it is extremely long.
I'm 18/f and I've had many experiences with deja vu. I'm not a "believer"; I don't believe in any religion, anything spiritual/mystical, or anything along those lines.
I always believed deja vu was something that could be explained by science and psychology, but I'm starting to think differently. This is because of an experience I had with deja vu.
Normally, I get the feeling that I've already seen/done something that is happening, but I know iT hasn't happened. You know, just that normal, creepy 'familiarity' feeling that comes with deja vu.
Normally, when I have deja vu, if I tries to think back and remember "Have I done this before?" or "Why is this familiar?", there is nothing, its all just completely new but strangely familiar.
But the last time I had deja vu, it was different. It was like I COULD remember seeing that exact situation before, but different, like I was unconscious or asleep at the time of experiencing it. It felt almost exactly the same as attempting to remember a hazy dream you had last night. It wasn't a real memory, it felt weird, like I hadn't physically done this before, yet I COULD remember seeing it.
I was shocked. I couldn't believe I remembered seeing this deja vu, and I kinda got mad at myself for not remembering it before I experienced it, like "How could I not remember seeing this happen?"
The point of this is that I'm asking you for some kind of explanation or similar experience.
What is your point of view on this and on deja vu? Can you provide any explanation, whether it be logical or spiritual? Have you ever had a weird experience with deja vu?
Don't worry about offending me, just give me your opinion, even if it is calling me crazy :P
Thanks.
The Answer
Oooh! I love this question.
But no - there is nothing spiritual or supernatural about déjà vu. Your first instinct was correct, it is all about cognitive science, the way the brain recognizes and processes stimulus.
Our brains are fabulous sense-making machines, but in their speedy, intense desire to 'make sense' of the world as quickly as possible (so, ya know, we don't get eaten by a mountain lion) they often get things wrong.
Which isn't to say it's entirely known what the experience of déjà vu is inside the brain. Not all scientists will necessarily agree. The most accepted theory in psychology says that déjà vu is caused by a person having a brief experience of an object or situation (because it's well known that the brain register impressions and images of things long before the person is able to to aware of them) and then before the actual, aware perception is completed, a small part of it is associated with a memory. That gives the individual a false sense of familiarity without the aware mind actually being able to remember what source memory is actually triggering the feeling.
In a sense, this is very similar to trying to remember a hazy dream - specific elements tend to stand out clearly in our memory: we are very good at remembering objects, sounds and smells. While the rest of the experience - things like direction, order of events, relative arrangement of objects, which we are not as good at remembering - remain hazy.
This explains why something might feel familiar, but you can't actually' it, or not know when you experienced it before (or, have it be actually impossible that you had experienced it before).
So I don't think you are crazy at all. Your brain just executed a particularly smooth slight of hand on you.
Anyways, here's a fun article with a slightly different explanation offered: http://www.examiner.com/article/what-leads-to-a-d-j-vu-experience
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The Question
Hi, I wasn't sure what section to post this in. I am a 19 year old female.
So my pubic hair started growing when I was about 12, and it grew a lot.
The problem is that I don't know how to remove it. I've tried shaving, but I just got heaps of red dots and it was painfully itchy. I tried using hair removal cream (that you leave on for a few minutes, and then take off), but that also gave me a rash. Ive tried cutting the hairs with scissors, then shaving, but it made no difference.
I have no idea what to do now, every time I try to get rid of it, I get a painful rash and it grows back really quickly. And because I shaved it, it is now three times as worse as it was (its on my legs and reaches up really high)
I have extremely sensitive skin due to a skin condition. I even get a rash/cuts when I shave my underarms and legs.
Should I just go and get it waxed? I am afraid of this also causing a rash and being painful because of my sensitive skin.
The Answer
First things first: Shaving doesn't make the hair grow thicker or cause more hair than before. Shaving can't make the hair itself worse, it simply cuts the hair off and leaves a thick nub of an end. If you have more hair than you did before, it's just cause you've kept on aging, not because you shaved.
If you know you've got a skin condition, you should talk to a dermatologist.
If you didn't have a known skin issue, I would say go ahead and try waxing. Unfortunately, hair removal is really trial and error for all women. But, you know you have an issue, and if you have it, lots of women probably do, which means lots of women have had to figure out how to remove their hair despite their skin troubles.
So, go talk to a dermatologist about what kind of options are best for your skin.
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The Question
14/f
So I posted a question awhile back asking if what my uncle was doing was weird or not normal. Here's a link to the question so I don't have to repeat stuff:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=606498
Anyways, since then, I've visited them 2 more times for thanksgiving and for new years. My uncle has been bugging me if I have a boyfriend too. He takes me phone and looks at all my contacts and the people I text. Personally, I think he's just trying to bug me, but I don't want to leave anything out.
2 more things happened during those trips besides what I talked about in my previous question. First, I was at a different cousin's birthday party and he stuck some trash in my back pocket. And so I was in this mind set that he was just being a normal uncle messing around, so I put it back in his pocket. He chased me around to try to give it back to me and shoved it down the front of my shirt. Of course, both times he touched my butt and my boobs, but I tried to ignore it. The last night I was there, I went down to the basement of the house I was staying in so I could spend some time with my cousins. They were down there with all my uncles watching a movie and the only open spot was by that uncle. I sat down and tried to relax. Later, most of my cousins left and eventually it ended up being that uncle's sons and my brother playing and my uncle on the couch by me. He slipped his arm around my waist while we were sitting there. and as I tried to move away a little, his hand ended up in the back of my sweatshirt. He just left it there, as my aunt came down and sat on his other side and kissed him. And he even told her that he hadn't been drinking. And the next thing I know, his hand was in my underwear. He didn't touch any where near down there, but he kind of just left his hand on my butt cheek. I felt really weird, and he tried asking me something about being curious (I don't really remember). I felt so violated that I got up and left. He followed me upstairs but I ran and hid in a bedroom for the rest of the night and avoided him.
I've been trying to rationalize how this isn't weird, but I know it was enough to make me feel uncomfortable. I was shaking for the rest of the night and I get these moments where I remember it and I feel like crap. It just made me feel so low and disgusting. I just don't know what's going on. I hope I'm not making something out of nothing, but this really bothered me and it still does. I'm not a very emotionally stable person. I used to have problems with depression and an eating disorder and I got over it by myself. But now I'm starting to slip back into a depressive state when I remember that night. I want to talk to somebody about it, but I can't bring myself to tell my parents what happened. It's just not fair to anybody. I'm just torn.
The Answer
Your uncle sexually assaulted you. There is no question, no way to rationalize this. There is no acceptable reason for an adult man to touch a you like that.
I understand why you wouldn't want to tell your parents - but you need to realize that the person that this is MOST unfair to is you.
Keeping the secret hurts you more than anyone, and you're the kid. You are the one person who is supposed to be protected by the adults around her, not abused by any of them.
You should talk to someone. An adult who can help remind you that this isn't your fault and there is nothing you need to feel bad about. If you aren't feeling ready to speak to your parents, you could talk to another trusted adult, a teacher or a coach, or even call a hotline like RAINN (it's the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network) 1-800-656-4673.
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The Question
I ate my hair when I was a child along with things such as dirt, paper, glue ect. Now I have started To eat things such as scabs, finger nails, and continue to eat paper along with other things such as chalk, bath salt, soap ect I am a picky eater with regular foods but I enjoy trying stuff that is not supposed to be eaten. What's Wrong With Me?
The Answer
It's called Pica. It's an eating disorder and it can be a sign of vitamin deficincies.
It can also harm you, damage your throat and stomach or cause other health problems in the long term.
So, you should see a doctor and make sure that your bizarre appitates aren't linked to you not getting the nutrients you need to survive or some other medical problem. Once you've been checked out for any psychical problems, you might want or need a referral to a mental health professional to help you curb this behaviour.
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The Question
18/f. I've stumbled upon somebody talking about guy and girl friendships. I read it and I disagree, due to personal experience, of course. I have two best guy friends. I hang out with the one more than the other but I can talk to the other about everything. I'm told all the time that I will wind up dating one of them. Some say that about the first guy, some say that about the second guy but everybody and I mean EVERYBODY thinks that I will date at least one of my guy best friends.
Anyway, the saying is "A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point, they will fall for each other.. maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe to late or maybe forever."
The gist of this is basically: what do you think about this saying? Can guys and girls be just friends? Why? Why not?
The Answer
I believe girls and guys can be friends.
HOWEVER, the younger you are, the less likely it is to happen. "Being Friends" isn't something we are born knowing how to do. Most people don't really learn how to be friends with the opposite sex until they have quite a few romantic relationships behind them, and have really honed in on what they want from both relationships and friendships. In the early days of female/male friendships, those sorts of boundaries and expectations are still being formed, and the definitions almost always get fuzzy.
Also, there is, ya know, the science, which makes for interesting reading. This study was done last year and made quite a bit of a news. They found from interviews with heterosexual opposite sex friends that most women were able to be 'just friends' and most men remained open too, or hoping for, more from their female 'friends'.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends
None of this is saying that men and women can't be friends - like I said, I believe they can be - but it should remind us that two people can experience the same relationship in totally different ways, and just because you feel certain that you are 'just friends' doesn't mean you can be certain they feel the same way, or that you both will always feel the same way.
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The Question
We’re both 18 and we’ve been dating for about 7-8 months and it started off brilliantly. Now, I don’t know whether it’s just me or whether something is up between us. He likes to finger me a lot (sorry to put it bluntly) and I like him to do it but he won’t let me return the favour afterwards unless I do it to him at the same time as he's fingering me. I find it hard to do two things at once and I tend to enjoy it less. He used to lay back, let me give him handjobs and stuff & I love giving him handjobs and blowjobs but now as soon as I start touching him, he’ll turn me over and start fingering me which tends to get painful, especially if he’s already been doing it for a while. I’ve told him it hurts and asked him if I can have a break and if I can pleasure him for a bit but he says it’s not fair unless he’s doing it to me at the same time. I know I’m probably not brilliant at it because he’s my first boyfriend but he won’t tell me what he likes and he’s always silent when we're making out so I don’t know whether he’s enjoying it or not (that's something else I'm a bit worried about). It's making me a bit unhappy and it really stops me being in the mood at the time. I do feel lucky to have him want to pleasure me (but just not ALL the time!) Should I just accept it?
The Answer
No! Absolutely do not just sit back and 'accept it', especially not if its hurting you. That is never an okay plan.
Instead, sit him down and tell him all this again, at a private moment while you both still have your clothes on. Take some of the pressure of 'performing' off of you both and just talk about.
He's not hearing you, and that's a problem. It's practically a bigger problem then the fact he's not talking to you about his interest (or lack thereof) in having you perform oral sex on him.
You can remind him that you aren't a fragile little fool who will crumble if he tells you that you aren't a blowjob queen. You can ask him to tell you what is working and what isn't... But you've got to DEMAND that he listens to you when you say something hurts. That's nonnegotiable in a healthy, respectful relationship.
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The Question
22f. I recently had my first physical experience with a guy. All we did was make out and sleep in bed together but it was still a big deal to me.
He's handsome but skinny and has a really boyish face and voice. Also some of his outfits are very middle school boy-esque, like his mom went to the store and bought all his clothes. None of these immature things about his appearance dawned on me until we got physical. That one night also made me recognize how TRULY insecure and immature he is as a person. We only hung out like 3 times but I wasn't into him from the start. I have had feelings for guys before and nothing about this even remotely reached that emotional level.
I thought, ok not so much into him but first hookup chance maybe?
When we made out, he initiated it verbally instead of just doing it (he was really awkward about initiating anything but was too antsy to just sit there). His lips were very tight and tense over mine (is this normal?) and when I tried to use my tongue he didn't loosen up his lips to let my tongue in his mouth.
Afterwards, we continued to cuddle and he kept rubbing my legs up and down in creepy back and forth motions with his fingers. Is THIS normal?
Finally we went to bed and he stripped down to his boxers and immediately turned off the light so I wouldn't see him (his lack of self-esteem has been one of the main turn-offs in this whole experience). I only have a small bed so naturally, it was uncomfortable. I kept waking up throughout the night and EVERY time I moved, he did too. At one point I inched away from him to get a bit of air and he moved closer and full out spooned me. He also had his hand on my ass the ENTIRE night and I can't say why but this seemed very boyish/childish. Part of me also feels like he didn't have the right to. I don't know, it just creeps me out. At one point in bed he started fiddling with his crotch for like 15 seconds.
He also had a boner from 9pm, when we started hanging out all the way up to the morning. I know guys get boners but doesn't getting one just from standing a foot apart talking to me seem a little 14-year old? Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know.
In the morning, I wanted to puke (partially from being hungover) and I was absolutely certain I was not into him. I didn't want him to be there anymore but of course didn't kick him out or anything. Everything clicked and I suddenly realized how clingy, immature, and insecure he is as a person. I washed my blankets because they had his scent on them.
I'm so attracted to the idea of having a confident attractive MAN to totally lead the way and dominate me. with GAME. I need to be told what to do in physical situations. I want to feel like a young girl, not a mother or a babysitter! Now I know why teenage girls date guys who are older so often. Are my expectations too high?
He's a very nice person and I don't think he did anything wrong. I can definitely emphasize with self-esteem issues but I'm not looking to add his to mine. and I was very kind and respectful throughout the whole thing. Can you just tell me that there's someone out there who won't make me feel like I'm cuddling with one of my younger brother friends? Ewwww. I just feel like there's something wrong with me because of my urgent desire to be physical with guys all the time and now it's finally happened and it was utterly unenjoyable.
Please tell me there's somethng better out there. This is starting to make me think I'm gay even though I'm soooooo attracted to men and have never felt sexually attracted to women before. and I'm very honest with myself. The lack of personal connection played a large factor but most girls can hook up with guys they don't even know and love it! What's wrong with me? I'm worried I'll turn into a dried-up hag!
The Answer
There are things about your expectations, while not necessarily too high, are unfair. Your desires are totally legitimate, but your judgements on this guy are too harsh. He was the wrong sex partner for you - not a horrible or weird human being. Everything you describe here is pretty normal - especially for a guy with less experience. It might not have worked for you, but it was still well within normal.
Although this guy clearly wasn't doing it for you sexually, you need to remember, as you move foward in your life and learn to choose your sex partners better, that men are people, full fledge human beings with fears and weaknesses. It's fine, great even, to know you want a guy who can dominate you and take charge sexually, but you have to remember that men, as people, are more complex than that and you have to give your romantic and sexual partners space to be fully human and not place your sexual fantasies above thier realities as human beings.
I also learned in my early twenties that I preferred guys who took charge in the bedroom. Tentanative, or boyish attitudes toward sex turned me off big time. The trouble is lots of guys (espically older ones) who can put on the act of being that kind of MAN, are in fact, just acting. Watch yourself for the bait and switch from guys who know how to attract a girl but are looking for a mommy in every other aspect of thier lives. Don't forget people are way, way more complex then thier personas and preferences in bed.
So yeah, there is way better sex out there, and you'll get better at finding it, but here is a final bit of advice: if you keep on having causal sexual encounters, most of them will be not so great, and only a very few will be awesome. Sure, there are girls out there who really get off on casual sex, but I think they are the minority, and you certainly don't sound like you'll find yourself in their number. If you want dominance and control play, casual sex is not the best way to get quality sexual experiences.
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The Question
I'm a 13 year old girl. My boyfriend and I have been dating more than 8 months but less than a year. I'm a naturally shy girl and he is very outgoing, he's the talkative one in this relationship. He gets mad at me for being so shy around him, I'm starting to feel pressured. I tried talking to him about this but he said " you wouldn't feel pressured if you'd just loosen up."If he really cared about me he would be helping me be less shy around him, right?
The Answer
Nope. Just because someone really cares for you, doesn't mean they will know the best way to care FOR you. Sure, he wants you to be comfortable and less shy, but that doesn't mean he is going to know the right way to help you get there or even that he'll agree with what you think is the best way for him to help.
People who really care for you can make mistakes, loose their patience, disagree with you and even just not get it.
If you two just can't connect and come to balance that works, then it might be a situation where no matter how much you both genuinely care for one another, you just aren't a good match for one another.
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The Question
I found out my live in boyfriend has been having an affair. When I confronted him about it he admitted to it and said his mistress is married. I have since found out that she is not married (and never was).Why would he lie to me about her being married? What difference would it make if she was or wasn't married?
The Answer
Who knows what goes through someone's mind when they are lying to their partner.
He might have thought that if the woman he cheated on you with was married, you'd see her as less of a long term threat. That because he couldn't really leave you to be with her, because the other woman had her own obligations.
But who really knows? Ask him if its important to you.
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