Question Posted Wednesday January 16 2013, 2:42 pm
My wife and I have been married for 20+ years. We are both in our mid-40's and have two teenage boys. Both my wife and I were in multiple failed relationships before we met. So, we both had other sexual partners before our marriage. Since our marriage, I can't speak for my wife, but I believe our relationship has been monogamous; at least I have been monogamous. My wife even after kids, still has the figure of a 20 year old. I am still in good shape only 15 pounds heavier than when we married, but I am not chiseled anymore and have a slight muffin top form with a receding hairline. I think that our sex life is great! We still go at it like rabbits 4 sometimes 5 nights a week. Although, I must admit that I am not the man I was 20 years ago. I used to be able to maintain an erection all night and hammer away at the wife time and time again. The past 10 years or so it seems that after the first shot, I am ready to go to sleep; one and done. Even those little blue pills don't seem to help. Recently, my wife tells me that I don't satisfy her sexually anymore. My wife tells me that she still loves me. She claims that her love for me will never change since she has 2 kids and 20 years invested in me. But, my wife says she wants to sleep with other men. Not only that, but black men as well. My wife tells me that she dreams of screwing a black guy at work. She tells me that her girlfriend at work, another married woman has had an affair with this same black guy. Her girlfriend's husband knows nothing about the affair which my wife thinks is absolutely wrong! She says it is one thing to sleep with other men with your husband's approval and just plain down right dirty to sneak around behind your spouse's back. Her girlfriend tells her that this black guy has a 13 or 14 inch cock and thick as her arm. Now, I am fairly well endowed; I am about 10 or 11 inches and pretty thick but I am not quite as big as him. Although it has been more that 20 years since I had another woman, I don't ever remember a woman complaining about my cock. If they said anything at all about my cock, they said it was the biggest they ever had! My wife soaked her panties last night telling me about this black guy's huge cock. It made for some damn good sex while she was telling me about him, but afterwards it made me feel puny. I am worried. Is it lust?, infatuation?, or am I losing her? I told her I would have to think about it. I must confess that I feel like a pervert, but I have been checking my wife's panties in the laundry for some time now and have not found any unusually soiled panties. Therefore, I don't think that she has cheated. At least not yet. But I am afraid that if I say "NO", she will cheat. Her cheating girlfriend wants her to do a 3some. For your information; I am not a cuckold and have no desire to be dominated or submissive in my marriage. To me marriage is a shared responsibility and the husband and wife are equal partners. Personally, I have no desire to be with another woman, but I wonder what she would say if I had asked her for permission first? What do you think I should do?
I think what this boils down to is can you agree to your wife having sex with other men? If the answer is yes then I would suggest she not have sex with the man she is talking about. Simply because the risks to you is to high. The risk is not that your wife would leave you but in what she may bring home in the way of an STD.
Now if you feel you can agree to your wife having sex with other men. Before you do so ask her this question. Will she agree to you having sex with other women as well? Do this for two reasons. One; to see if what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Two if she agrees I have an alternate solution for you.
The alternate solution would be to join a swing club. You can if you chose to have sex with other women or you can just enjoy the social aspects. No one will force you to have sex if you so not wish to.
While my wife and I are not swingers we do have friends that are. They tell us swinging is just sex it is not love making. Sex as in empty calories, fulfilling an urge or a need but not the same as making love to their spouse. They do not view it as cheating since the both participate and it is a healthier outlet as the clubs have rules and all must prove themselves STD free before joining.
By asking your wife if she is willing to allow you to have sex with other women you will also find out if this is an infatuation born out of the stories her friends are telling her.
From what you wrote that she has said to you I do not think you are loosing her. Being in her mid to late 40's your wife is staring at or even may be entering menopause. This is a time some women get the female opposite of the male 7 year itch a heightened sex drive. This may be here way of scratching that itch.
Razhie answered Thursday January 17 2013, 10:07 am: Well, are you okay with her having sex with other men?
You imply that you are not okay with this, but you don’t come out and say it.
If you are 100% not okay, with ever, under any circumstances, opening up your sexual relationship with your wife to include other people, then you need to tell her that.
She’s been honest with you. Something that took a lot of courage and trust on her part.
You owe her the same clear, honesty about your position, wants and needs.
Will she cheat if you are not okay with a sexually non-monogamous arrangement? Frankly, that’s always a risk in EVERY relationship ever, but after her honest conversations with you and 20+ years of marriage, she deserves the benefit of the doubt and your faith that she will keep whatever promise she has made to you. She didn’t cheat. She talked to you, her husband, about something she wants that impacts you both. Now you need to talk to her.
Here’s one more thing to consider – If you are open to her (or both of you) having sexual encounters with others, under some circumstances, that doesn’t mean this guy and this circumstance is okay. Clearly, it’s not. If I were in your shoes, I might be open to my partner having sex with other people HOWEVER, a guy who is cheating with her good friend is NOT a respectful or reasonable sex partner. Her friend (and this guy) have both proven that they are willing to cheat and deceive. That's makes them not the kind of people anyone should be inviting into their sex lives.
If your wife wants to have sex with this one guy – who has already proven himself to have fuzzy morality and is helping her friend deceive her husband – that’s not cool. That’s not a fair risk for your wife to ask you to expose yourself too (STDs, for example) or a fair emotional risk (the drama and secretes you’d be dragged into with these misbehaving and lying individuals).
So, do yourself a favor and separate the questions of “Can I respect my wife’s desire to have sex with others in some circumstances?” which, perhaps you can, and I personally think you should at least consider out of respect of her stated needs and desires, from the second question of “Am I okay with my wife sleeping with this guy?” which you have some very, very valid reasons to absolutely not be. [ Razhie's advice column | Ask Razhie A Question ]
Xenolan answered Thursday January 17 2013, 12:53 am: I think that you must make it clear that you married her with the expectation that you would have a monogamous sexual relationship, and that you expect her to hold to that. When one gets married, it comes with certain sacrifices. That's usually one of them.
You have every right to say "NO". First of all, you are having sex four to five times a week, and that's way above average for a 20+ year marriage. And if you can't hammer on all night like John Henry anymore... well, that happens! It is totally unreasonable for your wife to expect you to maintain the libido and the stamina of an 18-year-old throughout your entire life!
Second, you are directly concerned with who your wife has sex with, because there are diseases out there and she would be putting you at risk if she had sex outside the marriage. Furthermore, there is the possibility that she may become pregnant; what exactly does she plan to do in that case?
Third, the two of you have a shared sex life. I imagine that your desires are usually compatible; I don't see how it could be this successful after so long otherwise. Sometimes, you may ask her to go outside her comfort zone for something you like, and vice-versa. Neither of you, however, has any business DEMANDING that the other agree to something they're not comfortable with, and to make that a condition of staying married is the worst kind of emotional blackmail.
I think that what's going on here is that the two of you have had a great sex life for many years (congratulations, I wish I could say the same) and likely have done so in part because you are honest with each other about your wants and desires. She is telling you about something she fantasizes about. It doesn't mean that she gets to do it! I've fantasized about having sex with two women at once, and my wife knows this, but I sure as hell don't expect her to do it for me because I know it's way outside her comfort zone. Disappointing? A little, sure. But it's worth it to me to give up any chance of ever fulfilling that little fantasy so that I may have the reality of being with her.
You should tell your wife in no uncertain terms that this is not something you're comfortable with, nor are you ever likely to be. Don't give her any false hope that you might come around - you know that this is not something you want to have happen, and if it does, it'll be the beginning of the end. You are not being unreasonable. She is your wife, and she owes you a certain degree of respect and commitment (this goes both ways, of course; I agree with you 100% that the best marriage is an equal partnership). She also owes it to you to leave certain sexual fantasies unfulfilled if you're not comfortable with them.
And she needs to learn to be satisfied with sex 4 to 5 times per week. Frankly, she should consider herself fortunate that she's getting it four to five times per month. Most couples at your age are not so lucky. [ Xenolan's advice column | Ask Xenolan A Question ]
NinjaNeer answered Wednesday January 16 2013, 8:41 pm: This is a conversation you need to have with your wife. Nobody here can tell you what you need to do. We don't know if she's just lusting after him or what's going on. The only person who does know is her.
The good news is that she did talk to you beforehand, so you do have an opportunity to talk to her. Thank her for her honesty and ask her the questions you've asked us:
- What's she unsatisfied with?
- Is it lust or something more serious?
- What if you're not comfortable with her having sex with this man?
- Is there another way that you two can spice up your sex lives without cheating?
That last one is a biggie. Your wife says she's unsatisfied despite a very healthy sex life. Maybe she's just bored. It's very common in relationships of any length to get bored with the same old, day in and day out. There are lots of ways that you can up your game with the permission of both partners. Voyeurism, light bondage or dominance play and role play are all fairly safe ways of pushing the envelope without straying too far outside each others' comfort zones. Try talking to her about what it is that she's looking for. [ NinjaNeer's advice column | Ask NinjaNeer A Question ]
Xui answered Wednesday January 16 2013, 6:51 pm: I am going to be a bit blunt
From the sound of it, You already lost your wife. Someone can still love someone yes, but there I'd a difference between loving a person and loving them romantically. I would maybe suggest marriage counseling and as some may say that is last straw before you head for a divorce. Your wife fantasizes about other men, she does not fantasize about you. Therefore in my opinion your marriage is looking real grim. I would either talk marriage counseling or I would be heading to court. :/
I personally would rather be divorced then with someone who does not want to be with me romantically. [ Xui's advice column | Ask Xui A Question ]
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