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I lied to my boyfriend about contraception. How can i repair it?
Dear readers,
I (32) have been with my boyfriend (38) for almost four years. Both of us have children from previous relationships. He has four children and I have one. My relationship lasted under two years and dissolved just after the birth. I went through shock and not having family around I was in financial ruin, with loads of debt and a little baby, I was also thrown away from my flat as I didn't work and my ex left. I ve gone through depression, councelling, CBT etc. I had post natal depression which did not just go away. I didn't think I was capable mother, I was shouting at my baby and snapping. I lived with constant feeling of guilt and fear, anxiety and panic attacks. As time went passed I met my current partner and we started relationship. When we started sleeping together I wasn't on any birth control. I was reluctant to taking hormones. I was worried and stresses every month, I told him that I am going to use contraception and he was fine with it. He was taking me to doctors himself. Few months later I was feeling very depressed and had mood swing and cried so we decided that I stop this contraception. However, we are very passionate lovers not the best at stopping in the right time so the story repeated every month by me being sooo stressed about getting pregnant. I had to keep taking morning after pills and in the end I ve had about 7 of them in space of few months. I told him that I don't want to take them anymore as it was too much and I was worried. He agreed that I shouldn't but our accidents still happened. I took another one and told him about it. He said that he feels put off that I am running to pharmacy getting another pill each time we make love as its taking away the pleasure. I defended myself saying that I must protect myself as we have not had planned children at that stage and I was afraid to find myself in the same position, unmarried and having child. Since I managed to stand back on my feet after becoming single mother I have always dreamed about having the chance of setting up a family and having another baby, planned and loved, all in the right order, so called stability. I tried to talk to my partner about choice of contraception, he kept saying that he doesn't know but months were passing by and I could get pregnant. It seemed that he didn't want me to use contraception as it puts him off. I felt like in the corner. I love him very much and our love life is just beautiful. I was afraid to lose his passion so seven months ago I decided to start using contraception and I didn't tell him about it. As time passed he started asking me how come I am not pregnant yet. He asked if I am taking contraception. At this point I lied and said no. He asked few more times along the time and I did not admit. I always wanted to tell him but I feared that it would distance him. I very often brought up a topic of having kids, and asked him if he would want one with me. He never said he wants one but said that he could have one and that if I was pregnant he wouldn't mind. I said that I would like a baby too but when we are married (he wanted to marry me but never proposed). I wanted to hear from him that he would like to have a baby with me when I am ready, that he dreams of it or something like this, more than just I wouldn't mind. I couldn't take a risk. Last night he asked me again if I am using contraception. I told him the truth. His reaction was devastating. He pulled faces saying that he is disgusted with me, that I have taken away all our closeness and that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He said that I am a liar and that I lie all the time. He said that he should have been told, that this is our love life and he should know. I agree with this but I was afraid to tell him. He then said that he gave me signs that he wanted a baby and said that he always wanted us to have some bond and that baby would have sealed it but he never said that to my face. He was saying about bond in form of marriage or buying house but not baby. He says that he loves me but he can't live with this. He asked how could I treat him so badly after what he has done for me and he has done a lot for me, he has been bringing up my daughter as his own and she loves him soooo much and calls him daddy. My boyfriend has a big heart and gets hurt very easily, he is also very impulsive, when we argued in the past he has been taking his clothes and moving out leaving me several times. When doing this he always said that I don't love him as much as he loves me and that I will leave him one day anyway. This is simply not true. I tried explaining that everyone loves in their own way and shows feeling in their own way. This did not help. Now he feels very hurt about me lying to him for so long and I am in the corner. I didn't want to lie, I didn't do it cause I planned to leave him, I don't want anything more than to be with him and have a home and a baby. I was just too scared to get pregnant without being sure if he really wants us to have a baby and at the same time I was scared to infringe on our love life. Please someone out there tell me who is right or wrong. I love this man, I have never thought seriously about any man or marriage until I met him. We are so so similar, our characters, what we like and so on. Last night before our argument he said he wouldn't be able to live without me. I am sat here now thinking where is it all gone? Why did I get the worse judgement? Why did I lie? Lie is disgusting but do I not deserve at least understanding?
I will be grateful for your advice.
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You made a mistake when you failed to stand up for what you really wanted, (marriage first, than a baby) and when you lied about your contraception use.
However, he also failed to stand up for he wanted and how he wanted your lives together to work, and now he is punishing you, not just for your lies, but for failing to read his mind and trust him when he hadn't been clear and honest with you.
Neither of you asked for what you needed, or discussed the terms on which you'd be comfortable moving on together in your relationship.
Yes, you should have been honest with him, but you had every right to take contraception even if he disagreed. And he should have been honest with you if he wanted a child.
You both tried to manage your relationship with lies and deception. You both fucked up royally.
You should try therapy if you both want to continue this relationship. You both need new techniques for managing disagreement in healthy and honest ways, and your boyfriend needs to recognize that he wasn't honest with you either. Giving you 'signs' is NOT good enough when it comes to a decision as serious as having a child. You might have been wrong to lie, but you were perfectly right to be concerned and take precautions when your partner wasn't talking plainly with you about having a baby.
Frankly, although I don't have much to go on from your question here, and although you made a huge mistake and breach of trust, I'm still a bit concerned this guy is manipulating and controlling you. Some men use getting a women pregnant as a form of control and his extreme reaction to you not be pregnant after seven months (despite never expressing that he really wanted a baby) sounds like that form of control. Add to that the threats of leaving and the disrespectful "You don't love me enough!" complaints, and he sounds like someone who only feels safe in his relationship when you feel scared and are desperate to please him.
So, stop beating yourself up. You made a mistake. Apologize and commit yourself to change, but don't forget that he was in the wrong too. If you both can apologize and address those errors, maybe you can move on together. If he continues to berate you, test you and be dishonest about his own desires, then the relationship needs to end.
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