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Unsuccessful guy experience
22f. I recently had my first physical experience with a guy. All we did was make out and sleep in bed together but it was still a big deal to me.
He's handsome but skinny and has a really boyish face and voice. Also some of his outfits are very middle school boy-esque, like his mom went to the store and bought all his clothes. None of these immature things about his appearance dawned on me until we got physical. That one night also made me recognize how TRULY insecure and immature he is as a person. We only hung out like 3 times but I wasn't into him from the start. I have had feelings for guys before and nothing about this even remotely reached that emotional level.
I thought, ok not so much into him but first hookup chance maybe?
When we made out, he initiated it verbally instead of just doing it (he was really awkward about initiating anything but was too antsy to just sit there). His lips were very tight and tense over mine (is this normal?) and when I tried to use my tongue he didn't loosen up his lips to let my tongue in his mouth.
Afterwards, we continued to cuddle and he kept rubbing my legs up and down in creepy back and forth motions with his fingers. Is THIS normal?
Finally we went to bed and he stripped down to his boxers and immediately turned off the light so I wouldn't see him (his lack of self-esteem has been one of the main turn-offs in this whole experience). I only have a small bed so naturally, it was uncomfortable. I kept waking up throughout the night and EVERY time I moved, he did too. At one point I inched away from him to get a bit of air and he moved closer and full out spooned me. He also had his hand on my ass the ENTIRE night and I can't say why but this seemed very boyish/childish. Part of me also feels like he didn't have the right to. I don't know, it just creeps me out. At one point in bed he started fiddling with his crotch for like 15 seconds.
He also had a boner from 9pm, when we started hanging out all the way up to the morning. I know guys get boners but doesn't getting one just from standing a foot apart talking to me seem a little 14-year old? Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know.
In the morning, I wanted to puke (partially from being hungover) and I was absolutely certain I was not into him. I didn't want him to be there anymore but of course didn't kick him out or anything. Everything clicked and I suddenly realized how clingy, immature, and insecure he is as a person. I washed my blankets because they had his scent on them.
I'm so attracted to the idea of having a confident attractive MAN to totally lead the way and dominate me. with GAME. I need to be told what to do in physical situations. I want to feel like a young girl, not a mother or a babysitter! Now I know why teenage girls date guys who are older so often. Are my expectations too high?
He's a very nice person and I don't think he did anything wrong. I can definitely emphasize with self-esteem issues but I'm not looking to add his to mine. and I was very kind and respectful throughout the whole thing. Can you just tell me that there's someone out there who won't make me feel like I'm cuddling with one of my younger brother friends? Ewwww. I just feel like there's something wrong with me because of my urgent desire to be physical with guys all the time and now it's finally happened and it was utterly unenjoyable.
Please tell me there's somethng better out there. This is starting to make me think I'm gay even though I'm soooooo attracted to men and have never felt sexually attracted to women before. and I'm very honest with myself. The lack of personal connection played a large factor but most girls can hook up with guys they don't even know and love it! What's wrong with me? I'm worried I'll turn into a dried-up hag!
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Ohhh great. Its just another young girl growing bored and can't figure things out and wants to find something bigger and better. Seriously, girls around your age start seeking for more in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with what you are saying. He just either needs to mature and grow up or you need someone a little older than you. That's just the way it is. Once you do start dating an older guy you will like certain things about it, but then you will miss being with those around your age and doing those things. Trust me. Make sure then that the next guy is not too much older. Women are naturally attracted to a man who is successful. Someone who has their stuff together and has experience in life. It's that persona. That macho, passionate attitude that makes you chase them. Hahaha. Whether it's sexually or just everyday life. That's the way it is. You need to find out what it is you want. Go an explore and find yourself. You need to be content with yourself and who cares what others think. As long as you can wake up in the mirror and be happy with who you are that's all that matters. Now I'm not saying go around and have sex with everyone either, but it's ok to do it if you like the guy, but would be better if you are exclusively dating and love him. Sorry for this comment, but I have to say it. Women are too much drama. You make something so small into something so big. You are at a stage in your life where you are trying to find yourself and your path. It's totally ok to be this way and feel like this. You are attracted to this other guy because he holds some of the other traits and qualities you are searching for. Dang, honestly, it's all just mind games sometimes. Hahaha. I bet you that if I could get the guy you are bored with right now and teach him a few things, he would have you wrapped around his finger LOL. Sorry, I may sound prude, even cocky, but I've been in enough relationships, studied enough, and etc. that I do know what I am talking about. Dating and romance is all a science. Really it is.
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If you weren't interested in him than you should NEVER have hung out 3 times. You weren't meaning to but that led him on as did making out and especially sleeping in the same bed together. What's he supposed to think there?
When it comes to clothing or style it's easy to change and you can teach him that his wardrobe isn't appealing to you or others in your opinion.
What's happened here is that he's a guy with ZERO experience with females. You're the first girl to come along with a remote interest in him. He's NEVER kissed anyone so he wanted to ask first if it was okay.
He doesn't read signals easily and wanted to avoid a bad moment or reaction if he just went in. Same thing with technique you have to teach him what feels good to you. Confidence can be learned over time. It may be fun to teach him.
Erections happen especially during sleep or if he was thinking of something sexual. That probably happened because of an attraction to you and sleeping though clothed with you. It's embarrassing but not something he had control over.
I think his only misstep here was touching that part of his body next to you for 15 seconds or so. That you don't do. As embarrassing as it was chalk it up to his naivety and let all of this slide.
I think your problem is that you're asking for two much or have unrealistic expectations that every guy you meet must conform to. This guy is rough around the edges but has warmth, humor and a genuine interest and love for you. I think you can learn to love him back and forgive the stuff he doesn't know and make him the boyfriend you want.
Also, there's NOTHING wrong with craving to constantly be touched, loved, kissed, or even have sex. As long as you are responsible and tell your partner that this is what will happen and that there's no US or a relationship after it's okay but I wouldn't get into that habit. At least your partner would know where he stands.
As far as those girls who can have sex with anyone and then ditch them without guilt that's for them. This is you and you have more scruples and need not to hurt anyone or yourself and a strong moral compass.
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There are things about your expectations, while not necessarily too high, are unfair. Your desires are totally legitimate, but your judgements on this guy are too harsh. He was the wrong sex partner for you - not a horrible or weird human being. Everything you describe here is pretty normal - especially for a guy with less experience. It might not have worked for you, but it was still well within normal.
Although this guy clearly wasn't doing it for you sexually, you need to remember, as you move foward in your life and learn to choose your sex partners better, that men are people, full fledge human beings with fears and weaknesses. It's fine, great even, to know you want a guy who can dominate you and take charge sexually, but you have to remember that men, as people, are more complex than that and you have to give your romantic and sexual partners space to be fully human and not place your sexual fantasies above thier realities as human beings.
I also learned in my early twenties that I preferred guys who took charge in the bedroom. Tentanative, or boyish attitudes toward sex turned me off big time. The trouble is lots of guys (espically older ones) who can put on the act of being that kind of MAN, are in fact, just acting. Watch yourself for the bait and switch from guys who know how to attract a girl but are looking for a mommy in every other aspect of thier lives. Don't forget people are way, way more complex then thier personas and preferences in bed.
So yeah, there is way better sex out there, and you'll get better at finding it, but here is a final bit of advice: if you keep on having causal sexual encounters, most of them will be not so great, and only a very few will be awesome. Sure, there are girls out there who really get off on casual sex, but I think they are the minority, and you certainly don't sound like you'll find yourself in their number. If you want dominance and control play, casual sex is not the best way to get quality sexual experiences.
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