Good day everyone.
I am a nursing student. My ultimate goal is to be a travel nurse.
I am happily married for over 12 years and have 3 children: ages 6, 4, and 2. Family is the most important thing in the world and I want to help families work out problems so they do not have to be torn apart.
If your family is as important to you as mine is to me, get the help you need. If you do not like my advice, I respect that but look for someone that works for your needs.
Your family is worth it!
Gender: Female
Location: Ohio
Occupation: Home maker/ nursing student
Age: 31
Member Since: October 26, 2007
Answers: 223
Last Update: September 27, 2011
Visitors: 32455
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Okay so i am going to meet this boy during the summer and he is interested from what i hear. BUT we havent met, he has just seen a picture of me. And if I am interested as well, how do i make him more interested without being a slut? like how do i act? some people say make him work for it because guys like a chase, but what if that confuses him?? i dont know what to do. I have flirted and stuff, but i need new tips. The last guy i flirted with was from like january to march. But he was a senior and graduated and at graduation i gave him a hug. We flirted like everyday, but what if the game is different for this new boy?? i want to show him im interested (hypothetically) without being seeming annoying or clingy. (link)
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That's how I met my husband, for what its worth. We met online, sent pictures, etc. That was before chatrooms though LOL. Everything was sent via email.
Anyway, I think you are kind of looking at this kind of the wrong way. Your main question seems to be "how do I make him more interested in me without being a slut, I want to show him I am interested." The absolute best thing to do is the cliche... be yourself. If you are not a slut, don't pretent you are to get his attention. If you are down to earth, interested in animals, enjoy hiking, really into country music, and want to be a special education teacher when you graduate (all this is hypothetical obviously) then show that side of you. If the two of you don't seem to have much in common because he is a smoker who likes to skateboard, rap, and wants to "rock and roll" when he "grows up", then accept that. Even if he is cute and you want to try to see the good side of him because he likes you. You two would clearly not be meant for each other.
It is never a good idea to TRY to impress someone. It is just not possible to keep up that false persona, at least not for long. I mean, what happens if you go on a second date? A third? At what point do you finally reveal you have nothing in common with the person you portray when you are around this boy?
Also ask yourself why it seems so important to impress this one boy? Is he the one you already know you are going to marry and your entire lifetime of happiness and having children rests on what this guy thinks of you? I know this seems a bit over the top but the reality is, if you are a nice, caring, special girl and you show him your true self and he still isnt interested... why would you care? He CLEARLY isnt worth YOUR time. Be calm and relaxed and just enjoy the butterflies associated with meeting someone for the first time. Beyond that, don't feel too much pressure. Any boy who is actually worth a girl's time is not going to want a girl who is all giggly and acts rediculous. He will like you more and respect you more if you have your own opinions and like your own things rather than trying to find out everything he likes and then force yourself to have the same opinions and like the same things. Many a happy relationship have included two people who have many of the same interests, but also enjoy their own projects/activities as well. You may even find he has his own quirks such as cracking jokes about everything or has little habits that you find quite annoying. Now you have the upper hand.
This also sounds a bit extreme but the reality is, dating is meant for finding the person or type of person you enjoy being around the most so you can eventually find that perfect someone to spend the rest of your life with. You should go into a date as a new experience that is a test to see if you like him. Not HOPE against hope that he likes you and HOPE against hope that you like him. If you don't like each other... that is perfectly okay.
One last thing to remember... you can NEVER base a good relationship on what someone looks like. I am not going to lie and say he can be Frankensteins clone and you fall madly in love despite this. But you also cannot expect to literally "fall in love" with him because he is hot and may have a cute butt.
Have a great summer!!! I hope this guy turns out to be fantastic. Best of luck.
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Hi, you helped me alot last time I asked you a question, and I need some more advice. I just saw my father again, he came to pick up the rest of his stuff, and he didnt say anything he just took all his stuff, gave me a hug goodbye crying and left. I feel so at fault for his depression. If maybe I call him regularly just to see how he is doing maybe he will be a little happy and consider going to a phychiatrist or something. He has been saying he wants to die and if I found out my father had past I would feel part at blame because maybe if I try to help him and make him happy heèll die happy instead instead of depressed. I know this is not my battle and its between my parents but my mother is constantly crying now too. I don't get it i thought she was happy. I'm sorry, I don't know what the point in this question is I just feel better when I get someones opinion that doesnt know me, because I know what you have to say is just logic because you don't personally know my family. Whatever you have to say, will be fine. Thank You in advance.
P.S...any ideas for what i should do for fathers day?!?!?!?! (link)
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I am happy to give you a fresh outlook on your family situation. Thank you for writing to me again!
As you stated, I do not know you or your family so if something here does not apply... just read between the lines and try to make something that fits your situation.
I certainly think that calling Dad on a regular basis is a good thing. Don't necessarily expect anything in return or for him to call you as often as you call him, but calling him regularly to let him know you care how his day/week has gone, tell him you love him, perhaps set up little hour long coffee dates or something is a fantastic idea; especially given his emotional/psychological state. It might be just what he needs to get through this rough spot. I do NOT, however, suggest you focus on him "dying happy" because of your calls and other attention. I understand your feelings about having your father die. I never had a mom; my grandma took that spot and she died 3 1/2 years ago. It was devastating. This is never something we want to face, especially at such a young age. So, I recommend you focus on making happy calls, happy arrangements with Dad. Go miniature golfing or bowling sometime. Meet up for breakfast at McD's before work, etc. It is not necessarily about spending hours and hours with him, but if he has an hour here and there to look forward to seeing his "baby", it could make all the difference. One other passing thought I just had is to schedule next weeks event before you part for the day. Ask "you promise you'll meet me at the bowling alley next Saturday?" This could help to guilt him into realizing he has made a promise and MUST meet with you next week... he may be less inclined to "do something" to get out of it.
You thought Mom was happy and are now finding out she is not. Sounds like she could use a real talk. Maybe try to catch her when she is doing something busy, but not a really trying task. What I mean by that is, when she is doing the laundry or the dishes, or cleaning out a closet or something, washing the car, etc. These are tasks that keep your hands and eyes focused on something but you basically can remain in the same location allowing for a good conversation. Many times, people open up more if they are doing something that allows them to feel as if they are fidgeting, and they don't have to make eye contact. This would be a great time to mention that you notice she seems down lately and you would love to discuss it with her. Perhaps open up to her first by letting her know how worried you are and thus sad, and you would like to just have an "open up our hearts and cry" session. Most women love this. It gets it all out and makes you feel so much better. (This tends to be a girl thing and probably wouldn't go over well with Dad!)
Father's Day- If your dad is a sentimental sort, this is simple. If not... could require a bit more thought. If he likes mushy stuff I would suggest some sort of collage frame of pictures of you two together or perhaps even a scrapbook of you, Dad, and your sister from past and present. Be thoughtful and creative with this project. I made one for my sister-in-law for her high school graduation and inside it I had baby pictures of her, her hospital bracelet from birth. When she was 9 she swallowed a pointed metal object on Christmas Eve and had to spend time in the emergency room and do all sorts of things to make sure there were no serious adverse issues. Given this was nearly a decade ago, it is now kind of funny to remember so I found one of the objects she swallowed, I was given her discharge papers from when she was released, her hospital bracelet, etc. and made this a page or two. There were tons of other photographs I put in. I even put in things like a popsickle stick that for some reason was saved from a concert she went to. This can bring back awesome memories.
If your dad is a sentimental type, I think something like a collage frame or scrapbook would be better than just taking him out to dinner... or you could take him out to eat and present him with it, whatever fits best. It just shows you put a lot of thought and effort in to making him happy and showing how much you love him.
My dad is kind of a man's man... meaning he would never admit to having any kind of emotion other than manly emotions. He's tough. Nothing can bother him. So, I bought him a really soft, stuffed moose to hug if he was ever behind closed doors and needed some comforting. You know he makes his bed every day and besides his pillow, that moose decorates his bed and he has kept it there for about 13 years. It was so unexpected but the idea behind it was so touching to him that he has always treasured it.
I don't know if any of this helps. Just remember for both Mom and Dad that communication is the number one most important thing in any relationship. It can be scary to bring some topics up but once worries/concerns are voiced, somehow everything seems to get better. You now present a united force and no one has to play a guessing game of how a person feels and what others can do to help them.
Good luck with this. I wish you and your family the best.
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Have been married for 24 years and happily (Female). We have a great sex life,lots of varied, fantasy even porn often initiated by me, but my husband love to go along and always has. I have found that he has been going to Porn sites sometimes daily, even after we have had sex. I guess I can understand this and live with it on the one hand, but it does make me feel a little inadequate (Actually I'm a pretty well kept and hot good looking 45 year old) What really bothers me is that I gentle confronted him a number of times, saying that I look at porn does he? Even taking him to some sites together that I know he has been to, during sex play. He refuses to admit that he looks at porn. What does this mean? What should I do?
He's lying and that hurts (link)
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First of all, I would certainly not take it personally if your husband is looking at porn; meaning, don't think he is doing it because you have let yourself go, you are no longer 21, etc. You have stated that you are quite a nice looking 45 year old and good for you. Porn is not one of those things that people only look at because what they are living with and sleeping next to is a hideous grave monster.
You are happily married, still have an active, varied sex life, and share porn in your sexual activities. You are clearly okay with the idea of porn so that is not an issue (some women are quite anti-porn and finding out that their hubby is visiting it is horrifying to them).
The fact that he is "lying" about visiting porn sites should be handled delicately. You did not mention in the history how or why you know 100% certain that he is visiting these sites but assuming he is... he may be embarassed about it. Whether you admit your interest in it or not, he may be embarassed to admit he goes there without you. I am not sure I would really consider this "lying" unless he is having online sex chat sessions or getting more involved with porn than is healthy for your marriage.
If it is bothering you that much as it seems to be, gently ask him why "I am aware that you visit these sites and I am okay with it... but I just want to know why you won't admit it? Are you embarassed? Do you chat with someone online? Please be open with me".
If it really doesn't bother you too much, just accept the fact that you both individually visit porn sites and he is uncomfortable mentioning to you he visits them alone. He may not be as open to discussing issues with sex as you.
If this becomes a really serious issue, it may be necessary for you to research an SAA (sex addicts annonymous) organization near you or contemplate meetings. I believe there are even organizations that help with porn addictions though I do not know what their actual names are. A google search would probably help you out.
The bottom line... You are in the minority in that you have been married for 24 years and still admit to being happy and having an active sex life. GOOD FOR YOU!!! Take pride in that. If your husband won't admit he looks at porn even though the two of you go to it together and you look at it yourself, I would recommend trying to push it out of your mind. I don't think he is "lying" to be malicious to you or hurt you in any way. Again, he isn't looking at the women thinking "if only my homely wife looked as good as these girls". Sexuality is has a very strong pull on our society. Look at all the male actors who have been married to super models and still been caught in the back seat of their cars with prostitutes! It is nothing personal to you that you should be offended.
Congratulations on your happy marriage (we hit 10 a while back and we are happy too *smile*) and best of luck to you.
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Hi, I posted a question and someone told me that your helped her when she had a problem similar to mine and referred me to you. This story is kinda long so I hope you have the time and patience to read it...Ever since I was younger my parents always had problems. They never even slept together and everyone thought my dad liked my sister more and there were family rumours that he didnt even think I was his biological daughter. He finally left, he was very dependable on people and still is. He left without telling anyone and just abandoned us and didnt even tell us where he lived but still expected us to call him because it was our responsibility as his daugters (I have an older sister) The point is he left us with a $20,000 debt and cut out home line, internet and cable, AND my moms Insurence without letting us know. Now my mom can't get covered until July and she has to be on VERY expensize meds. He is alwasy talking about us to other people, good and bad and my sister (his favorite) has cut off communication with him and I am constantly trying to keep a relationship with him. I have asked him for help finanacially (we really need it) and he denies me the money. He is constantly calling me for help with his problems because he doesnt knwo english very well. I am afraid for him, he tried to commit suicide before and has a somewhat Bi-Polar personality. I feel bad for not talking to him anymore but if he doesnt have the heart to help us financially (because I believe it is his responsibilty as a father)why should I try to keep a relationship with him. Help. I don't know what to think. Is it wrong for me to think what I am thinking. And how am I supposed to get Financially help from him? Me and my sister already give me mom $600-800 each month and we can't afford it anymore. What should I Do!!!!????!!! (link)
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What a load for you to carry!!! People thinking your dad prefers your sister?? Dad not even certain you are actually his??
This is certainly a very deep, emotional situation for you and your family.
I believe 100% in the family unit and attempting to salvage what can be salvaged. That being said… it almost sounds to me like this is a case where it is almost better that he left. There was too much chaos and tension with him around. You clearly still love him very much. You show that in the amount of hurt you are describing.
You have the right to have any feeling you have. You have the right to want to cut off ties with him. You have the right to be afraid for him. A bipolar, suicidal father is an emotionally difficult thing to deal with. You never know if he is going to continue to be okay or not. He talks about you behind your back.
As far as your sister being his “favorite”, there are some issues I have with this statement. First, be very careful about allowing yourself to believe this. If you do believe it, it could cause you tremendous sadness. It can also cause you the desire to overcompensate with your father causing you to behave with him in ways that could only end up with you being hurt further. You could try to be excessively nice to him to “win points” or be extremely nasty to him and have him have no idea why you are so angry.
It seems to me that you are too involved in a problem that involves your parents. I completely respect the fact that you are worried about your mom’s health and it is commendable that you are helping her financially as best you can. However, divorce is a problem between adults. I do not know your age so you may be an adult child of divorcing parents. Whatever your age, this divorce is between your mom and dad. I don’t want to downplay the idea that your help is very much appreciated my your mom. I certainly don’t want to tell you to stop doing what you can to continue to help her. But, there needs to be a separation of yourself from the “grown up” problems. You have your own issues to deal with, your own life to live. You DO need to be a part of the family unit… but there are some aspects of our parents lives that we should just be apart from.
Your father has too many issues for you to concern yourself with. If he calls, if it is your desire to talk to him, talk to him. Do NOT feel obligated to help him in any way. That is not your responsibility as a child. Let him know you love him, you are concerned for him, whatever your heart tells you to do… but do not let him make YOU feel that you need to take care of him in any way.
I want to open up a little of myself to you just to let you know I totally know what you are going through. My parents split when I was a kid. Mom got custody. Mom was an unfit mother and I nearly ended up in the foster care system until Dad found out what was going on and he finally rescued me. Now that I am adult, I see her only a handful of times a year, I will NOT let her alone with my children. She has called me for financial help and I will physically take her to get food, or get her a gift card to the local food store but I will NOT give her cash. I do not trust what she will use the cash for and if I get her a gift card, she can only use it on food and necessary items at the store. She can bring on the tears easier than the worlds greatest actress and I just ignore it.
It is difficult to have to put limits and boundaries on our relationships with our parents. We all want to be able to have the mommy and daddy who are always there for us that we can trust with our lives. I understand that your situation is not this way and figuring out how to cope with that is not easy.
Given I do not even know what country you live in (you mentioned Dad doesn’t speak much English which has me questioning if you are in the USA or not, I do not know a lot of resources to suggest. Hopefully Mom has a job. If you and/or your sister are of working age, it would be helpful of you to also have jobs so you don’t have to ask Mom for anything you “want” such as new shoes, makeup, etc. There could be services such as welfare type of services that Mom can get just until she capable of handling things on her own. If she is ill (you mentioned her medications) there may be services available for medical/prescription bills. In this case I would start by asking her doctor if he/she can give you the phone numbers to any caseworkers in your area that could help you. It is close to July… if she is just able to get help for a couple of months she will be insured again. If you and your sister are underage (under 18… possibly 21) you could qualify for a children’s health insurance program.
As far as how to think about Dad… he needs help. Until he gets that help, I think it is emotionally better for you to distance yourself. You CANNOT be held responsible for what he does or how he acts and it is not up to you to take care of him. There is a small possibility he could be “playing” the suicidal card to tear at your “heart strings” or manipulate you.
The last bit of advice I can offer you is to attempt to get yourself help. It doesn’t sound like you can necessarily afford therapy right now but if you are in school, you could talk to a school counselor. Talk to a grandparent or someone you trust about how you are feeling. If you are religious, go to someone in your church. The worst thing to do is hold this emotion; anger and sadness inside you. That can cause physical and mental health problems.
I am sorry it took a few days for me to get back to you. This was a special situation that I wanted to have time to mull over and contemplate. I don’t like to be hasty in my answers as I feel anyone who tells me they need help deserves the best help I can offer.
I wish you the absolute best of luck. This is a very difficult situation you, your sister, and your mother are in. Stick together and I really believe the three of you can pull through as a unit.
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ok so theres this guy ive liked for a while and we’re friends and in the beginning of the school year i noticed that he liked me and i knew he did. now this is the time that all the guys ask the girls to the prom. i really want him to ask me but one of my friends might like him but we aren’t close enough friends that we would tell each other our secrets. so the thing is my friend and the guy i like are pretty close friends like today we were watching a movie in class and they sat next to each other and were talking about how they are getting married in las vegas and it was practically a joke but she also told every one how she wants this other guy to ask her to the prom. so the point is that i want to im the guy i like and tell him i like him but how and idk ow he feels about me like if he likeme anymore and if he likes my friend.
ok my friend just broke up with her boyfriend like 2 weeks ago and they were going out for a year so i think she should give other people a chace sorta bc my longest realashonship was 2 months so i dont know what to do. should i ask the guy out? how should i ask him? ive never done this before so i dont know what will happen. i don’t wanna ruin our friendship bc it will be acward if he says no. also the class after when the two of them were together talking about there “marriage” he sits next to me in that class and we talked a few times and i caught him taking a few glances at me for about like 5 seconds in the corner of my eye so im kinda confused about who he likes. thx in advance :) (link)
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I was trying to answer your question and it disappeared. You may have gotten a partial answer, you may not have... so I am just going to start over!
This sounds like my highschool life all over again, lol.
The easiest thing to do would be to ask him to prom yourself. This will accomplish a few things...
1. You do not need to tell him how madly in love with him you are just to ask him to prom. That takes that pressure off. Just say "Hey, I was hoping maybe you would be free to go to prom with me?" If he says no, just say "thats fine. I didn't realize you had a date. So does she have a dress picked out yet?" or some lame thing like that. If he says yes... you have an entire prom evening to spend with him talking, getting to know each other better, dancing, laughing, and just having fun at a dance with all your friends wearing fancy clothes you will never again wear. It could be great!
2. I think teens rush too much into telling someone how much they like someone else when what they really could just do is hang out more often and get to know each other. I think teens have so many "break ups" because they start "going out" with the guy in their math class who they ONLY KNOW from math class and after a month or two of going out, you realize you have nothing in common except for Mr. Jones' third period algebra.
3. You have a much better chance at getting him "away" from this other girl if you jump at the chance to ask him rather than wait for him to ask you HOPING he asks you over her, etc. I asked a guy out when I first started college. Twice. He said no both times LOL. I survived and realized it wasn't that difficult, even dealing with the "no". He was nice about it and that was that. But if I hadn't, I may never have known what could have been. Turned out his goal in life was to die when he was 60 climbing a mountain in Tibet. See what I mean? All we had in common was our college class together!
You are only in high school once (usually anyway). Just be brave. Ask him. There will more than likely be other men in your life besides him anyway so if he says no, just dust yourself off and move on. Then be excited and proud of yourself that you were brave enough to do that!
Good luck. I hope it all works out for you and you have a fantastic prom.
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okay so i'm 15/f and i live in pennsylvania.. where can i get a summer job? i was thinking places like giant/weis, kmart, walmart, mcdonalds etc. but i'm not sure if they hire 15 year olds? any other suggestions would be great, thanks in advance! :) (link)
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I live in Ohio so I cannot be certain, but I think you should at least TRY those mentioned places. You WILL have to work restricted hours such as only a few hours a day, so many breaks in between those hours, etc. You may even have to have someone submit a letter stating it is okay for you to work such as a parent or your school or some such thing. The job will know what you need to do. My husband is a manager of a library here and he hires 15 year olds to be "pages". Those are the kids that essentially put the books back on the shelves. I don't know exactly what the rules are, but you may find yourself surprised at how many places WILL hire you at 15.
You did mention that you are "not sure if they hire 15 year olds". Ask. If they won't, move on. Fast food restaurants usually hire most people as well as Wal-Mart.
Good luck.
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me and my stepdad fight all the time, my mom always takes his side even though he is unreasonable. he tells my mother how to parent me and raise me even though i am 16 years old. it makes me so mad how he patronizes me and treats me like im 5, my mom pretends not to notice. i hate it..... ive tried talking to her all she does is tells me he loves me and that i should listen to him.
any advice?
thanks
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Having a step parent is really tough. Every aspect of divorce is tough. It is just that much worse when you are a teenager and approaching adulthood where you perhaps don't need as much parenting as you did when you were just a little kid!
I feel for both you AND your stepdad. On his side, he has walked into a pre-made family and really doesn't know what his boundaries are and that can be awkward. He needs to feel he has a say in how his house is run, but he really doesn't have much say over you as you are not his child, and not really a child anymore anyway.
I can relate to you much easier, however. I am NOT a step parent but did have one; a stepdad. I did not live in that household, however.
The advice I have for you will likely be difficult, but I feel if you can pull it off, you can be much happier. You said you are 16. This means that you know a lot more than people give you credit for... but lets face it... you don't quite know how to pull of adulthood just yet. If you try to "think" a little more mature; for example, listen to what he says and contemplate it. If it actually makes sense, try to ignore the fact that the information is coming from someone you really can't stand to be around and follow through with what he says. You may also try REALLY hard to slip in a comment like "ok. I get what you are saying." If it does not make sense, rather than blow up at him, try as hard as you can to calmly discuss with him that you understand what he is trying to say but it really does not apply to you.
Anger is very difficult to see through. It makes us say and do things that are not necessary appropriate and that we would not ordinarily say or do. I HATED my stepdad. My mom married him when I was about 14 or 15 (without me ever having met him, heard of him, or knowing my mother was getting married)and there was NO relationship there. I avoided speaking to him at all costs. He is no longer in the picture but now I am nearly 30 and I look back on it and realize that a lot of things I said and did, I did out of anger. My behavior was 110% different with him than with ANYONE else in my life, and it was simply out of the anger that he married my mother. It wasn't really about him personally. I would have behaved that way with anyone my mom was married to.
I don't have enough history of your situation. The above could be the case with you; you are angry because a man besides your dad is married to your mom. OR... he could actually be a complete and total low life jerk. Either is entirely possible!
I just think it could make you the better person if you try to put the "blow ups" aside and actually pause to hear him. I think Mom should step up a bit and listen to you as well. Again, I am not a step parent but I have to admit... having someone else try to parent my own children (we have 2 with our third one due in 4 weeks) would be a bit awkward. I would probably listen to what he had to say but after all... they are MY children. We just can't forget that this is his life too that has been affected and his home that he is trying to be included in.
Hopefully you are either in some sort of counseling or have parents who are open minded to that sort of thing. This could dramatically change the dynamics of your household and make everyone happier. I wish you the absolute best of luck with this. Divorce is crappy... for everyone involved.
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okay so i really like my boyfriend and we are always kissing but its kinda getting old how do i spark it up physically with out having sex of any kind??? (link)
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I want to begin by telling you GOOD FOR YOU!!! on the no sex thing. I have ALWAYS felt this way myself, stood by it myself, and am teaching my kids the same thing (assuming you mean sex before marriage.) You should be proud of yourself!!!
Now, a few things you could try are some really romantic movies or a romantic dinner setting. Another thing that many guys like is when you tickle them, tease them. You can add to kissing some slight "biting" such as biting his lips or his neck- obviously you don't want to use too much pressure!. Massages can be nice.
Something I used to do before my husband and I got married was to read romance novels and perform the less pornographic things such as the biting of the neck and the massages. They can provide for lots of "foreplay" ideas without actually going "all the way".
I hope this helped a bit. I am always interested in helping a young person spice up their relationship without actually having sex... sex can wait.
Best of luck.
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what do you guys kno bout viral infections..my past two pap smears have came back abnormal...so i went to the gyn. today n he said not to panic that it was just a viral infection..is this the same thing or should i b very concerned (link)
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I think you should find out from your GYN the exact name of the viral infection. Paps are used to detect viral infections. However, may of those infections you really need to know about and be educated about.
Paps can detect yeast infections, but primarily they detect other "infections" which are STD's. Some of these include:
Trichomoniasis~ Causes vaginal irritation, various colored discharge, etc. This is curable.
Genital warts
Herpes
HPV~ the "virus" that can cause cervical cancer
Whether your virus is curable or not is something to discuss with your doctor. Whether it is or is NOT, it is certainly something you should be further educated about as it could be an STD that you need to know about to inform your partner(s) or know how to be safe in the future so you don't pass it on.
If your GYN simply said to you "Oh, your Pap is just fine, it's just an infection... have a good day", I suggest you get a second opinion or get more aggressive with him/her. You deserve and NEED to know what you have so you can know better what is going on inside your body.
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My wife has had a mamagram for the first time
on the 09/04/2008.
got her results back,it said she as to go back for more test,i am very worried, so is she.
petepatty (link)
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Any time there is mention of an "abnormal screening" it can cause a great deal of worry. My family has a strong history of breast cancer though I have never personally had any scares. I can only imagine how you and your wife must be feeling right now.
What I CAN do is try to help you feel a little better about the "call back". I did a little research on the issue for you. Here are some of the facts I found from cancer websites:
"There is no reason to panic if you are called back for more tests. About 1 in 20 women (5%) are called back but only 1 in 8 of these will turn out to have cancer. That's only about 7 out of every 1,000 women having breast screening. So out of every 8 women called back, 7 will be fine. These women will have had some unnecessary anxiety. But the doctors have to err on the safe side otherwise they would increase the risk of missing cancers."
The other thing is, especially since it sounds as if she is doing everything early, should there be something that does not seem quite right, when breast cancer is caught early... it is almost always "cureable". The lump itself can be removed, worst case scenario a mastectomy (complete breast removal).
The important thing for you and your wife right now is to ask as MANY questions as you need to feel complete. If the two of you are sitting together in the evening playing the "what-if?" game, you need to discuss these worries with her physician. You should't do that to yourselves. Our health is important to us but fear of the unknown can cause other problems.
I want to point out something to you personally... Given you have gone to an advice column about this you are coming across as a very caring, concerned husband so this likely does NOT apply to you. However, it is important to accept whatever emotion she is feeling and not downplay it. Try to avoid using comments if she is having a break down such as "everything will be okay... don't worry... I am sure it is no big deal." It is better to say things such as "I know you are frightened. I will be here for you through whatever happens. I love you and I am scared too." This opens the door for her to continue open communication with you. When one person is scared and everyone keeps saying "it will all be okay", it is difficult for the scared person to feel a connection with people. Be open with her about the fact that you are upset too and you can be supportive to each other.
I wish you the best of luck with this. Try to remain positive. Keep up on anything the doctors suggest. Medicine has come a long way. Hopefully the extra tests will just be precautionary.
Good luck.
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15/f
Sophmore
So everyone in my science class knows my background (ethnicity).I'm proud of who and what I am. Although, people are sort of starting to make fun of me. For example, this boy named Fabian asks me questions from time to time about what language i speak and where the country is located etc. And so I tell him. But now it's getting out of control. He knows this boy that has the same ethnicity as me and he tried to hook us up! LIKE NO, YOU DON'T DO THAT!!! I never asked for a boyfriend and i don't want one. And now he's asking everyone about my ethnicity.It's sort of hard to explain but he's doing it in a way so that i look bad. And then later on today he came up to me and said that my background's people made cookies from dirt and water. AND IT'S JUST LIKE I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO HANDLE THIS SITUATION CORRECTLY!!!! ALL ANSWERS GREATLY APPRECIATED
***ASAP*** (link)
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There is a high likelihood that they way he is asking and what he is saying is ending up making you look bad.
That being said... he may actually be interested in you and/or your ethnicity and want more information... and just not know how to express this given he sounds a bit immature.
I suggest one of two things, or even both. If he starts saying things to you and you are either alone or there aren't too many people around, I would be very polite (politeness is extremely important here) and tell him that what he is saying offends you. For example, "Listen Joe Bob, I think you may be trying to be funny but I have to say, you are really being offensive and I do not appreciate it. I would really like it if you would stop making crude comments about my ethnic background".
My second suggestion could actually tie in with the first one. Give him information about you... or really, your heritage. Find some really good information in a book, online, from your family, whatever. Compile it into an information packet, but not too extensive. Try to narrow it down to one or two pages. The next time he starts in, and possibly at the same time that you tell him he is hurting your feelings, tell him if he really has that much interest in your background, to get his facts straight. No one should be passing false information around. It makes that person quite ignorant.
You can find the most incredible information about any ethnicity if you look in the right places. You can find things that really build you up and make you seem like you are the superior race. If you look somewhere else, you can find out that perhaps in history, your "people" did some pretty disgraceful things that you really don't care to discuss with anyone as that would admit that it could have been one of your relatives way back when doing that disgraceful thing. I would stick to looking up the positive things about your race, obviously. Every race in history has it's proud moments and the not so proud moments. What ever background this boy has definitely has negatives, I guarantee that. It would be mature of you not to do too much research on this to wave in his face... but still. Just know that no matter what bad things he says to you, he is just being an immature teenaged boy who would be doing himself much more good if he kept his mouth shut.
Your original question was "Should I be proud of who I am?!". The absolute answer to this is- are you a good person? Do you help others? Are you a kind, supportive, honest friend? Then yes. You should be proud of who you are. Even if you are a second generation neanderthal, you should be proud of who you are. It is what is in your heart and your morales. Not what your point of origin on the lattitude/longitude lines is.
Best of luck.
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Ok, So this is kindof confusing. First off, My best friend in the worl is...well she's not as "attractive" as most people. I know that sounds mean, but I have to say it. Anyways, my best friend finally got herself a boyfriend about a month ago and she was soooo happy. He was a grade older then us and really hot. I was extremely happy for her. Anyway, this guy "John" [her bf then] has a best friend named "brad". Well, my best friend broke up with "john" about 3 weeks ago. I knew Brad because we all just sortof hangout after school. Alex, my best friend, tells me see suspects brad likes me. So I'm like "ok, but what if he likes you, and that's why he still hangs out with us?" and she still thought he likked me, and I sorta did too. Then, Brad asked her out. Now, I'm not jealous, I already have a boyfriend, but I think he's just using her to make me jealous. When they started going out, brad came up to me and was like "So I'm going out with alex". Also, he keeps acting like flirty around me, and then be flirty with her at the same time. And today he walked me home. What's going on? I really don't want her to get hurt and I have no feelings for this guy at all but she's like in love with him. How can I tell if he likes her? Thanks! (link)
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It sounds like Brad may be a big flirt which could end up hurting you best friend in the end. However, you do not necessarily want to be the "cause" of this hurt; if Brad actually does like you and your best friend finds out. The blame could likely end up on you.
I think the best thing to do is avoid Brad at all costs. If he wants to walk you home, say no thank you. If you must be around him, be sure your boyfriend or Alex is with you when you are together. Have as little to do with him as possible therefore reducing your chances of being the "cause" of their possible future break up. If he is as flirty as it seems, the chances of Alex and Brad remaining together for a long time is slim as Brad may not have the personality to stay with one girl for a very long time.
You did not mention your age, which is essentially irrelevent except... If you feel comfortable with an alternative, I could suggest if Brad starts to get flirty with you, just be honest. Say "I am not really comfortable with you talking to me like that". This would be extremely difficult in your early, or even late teens. I assure you as an adult you would have NO problems being quite blunt with this guy. As you might be uncomfortable with this, it may be easier for you just to avoid him as I mentioned before.
Just try to stay out of the way and in the likely event that Alex and Brad break up, you can be the true best friend that Alex needs to talk or the shoulder to cry on and you don't have to worry about being caught up in the middle. The other thing to worry about is some possible backlash on your side; Brad could end up somehow causing issues between you and your boyfriend! Best to keep a distance.
Best of luck.
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im a f/18 and i was wondering what should i do about my cousin/ bestfriend. she basically stole the guy away from me that i liked and now they are going out. neither of them talk to me anymore. And i tried talking to her and she has changed. She even goes to the same school as my other cousin well call her L. And she even treats L like crap too, she wont even drive her to school. But she would rather drive this other kid who is all of a sudden like her bestfriend. she has changed and when i tried to talkt to her the other day, its like she didnt care our friendship or hurting me. and the thing is that besides me and L. she has no other real friends. the three of us used to be soo closee.
what should i do? Pleaseee help!!! (link)
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It sounds as if your cousin could be going through something right now that she may not be discussing with anyone. It also sounds as if this "something" is a pretty big deal and she really needs someone to intervene.
If this is the case, the one thing you should NOT do is desert her. She may be crying out for help about something that she doesn't know how to begin to discuss. If the 3 of you used to be so close and she is now treating both of you in a negative manner... it is possible that she could be trying to separate herself from the two people she is closest to so she doesn't either drag you into something, or push you away so she doesn't have to feel emotions about something.
I don't say for a second that this is going to happen... but for example: She could be trying to get the two of you angry at her so if she does something to hurt herself... in her mind it won't hurt you two as much because you are so angry with her. It is also possible that perhaps she feels so negatively about herself she doesn't feel she "deserves" your friendship so she is pushing you away.
I have NO CLUE what is going on with your cousin but I can say that the LAST thing you want to do is push her away right now without knowing 100% certain what her reasons are for this behavior. She may have just turned into a nasty person... but this is rarely the case. It really sounds to me with the little bit of history you gave that she is needing you most now which is ironically why she is pushing you away.
You may want to let her know that you love her no matter what, you are concerned about how she is behaving and what may have lead up to this behavior, and that if she needs you, you are there for her... and even get a little nosey if you suspect somthing really bad might be going on. It could end up being a matter of life and death, though I hope this is not the case.
Best of luck.
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i just feel bad atm..bc ive been noticing that people that i talk to just act awkward..like they feel like shy/awkward while talking to me for some reason. and i cant handle it, like, when i see someone uncomfortable i get really uncomfortable talking to me, the my "awkward sense" just like shoots through the roof. and i dont UNDERSTAND why! even a couple of my teachers are doing it, like my math teacher's eyes always get really watery and she tries not to blink when she talks to me. and my history teacher and english teacher always pull a weird face when they talk to me, or something..and they always seem to like be afraid of talking to me? idk. my language teacher actually got embarassed while talking to me once!! dont even get me started on the reactions ive been getting from students. it sucks..
i dont understand why, do i just need to be friendlier? i talk in class and i always contribute in all my classes and im pretty smart and most people dont find me annoying, so i dont even know why people are acting this way. how can i make other people and myself feel more comfortable in 1v1 conversations? :/ (link)
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There is not a huge amount of history here... but there COULD be something going in your life that somehow everyone found out about. If you, for example have some sort of health situation or if someone close to you such as a parent has a health or other situation. People may be uncomfortable talking to you because they do not know what to say. I heard the same thing from a one girl who found out she had cancer and another girl whose father had recently died. People began to act different around them because of lack of how to approach them.
Something else to consider is how you present yourself. If you have strange colored hair or a really outlandish hairstyle, multipe piercings, etc... people may be a little uncomfortable around you. I don't know how much of this you could get away with since you are still in school, but many public schools are more liberal than perhaps they should be.
You may also dress in a manner that they find intimidating such as showing your belly, too much clevage, short skirts... this can make people uncomfortalbe as well.
If there is absolutely NOTHING you can imagine that would cause these people to react the way you observe them behaving... there is a chance that you are just being hypersensitive. Perhaps subconsciously you are uncomfortable yourself for some reason and are projecting it on to everyone else.
I certainly cannot give you the exact reason or a definitive answer... but it is possible that, particularly if you are still in your teens this is something YOU are going through and need to figure out how to relax yourself more and then the others around you will seem to be reacting differently. It is true to an extent that you get what you give. If you are a bit awkward with them, they are returning it. Because YOU may be the awkward one... you don't realize it. The only way I can clarify this is my husband mumbles on occasion. I say "Sorry, could you please repeat yourself... I couldn't quite understand" and he has responded "I don't know why, I understood it". That's because it was HIS word!!!!!
Anyway, I hope this helped.
Best of luck.
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I am wondering how to tell the guests invited to my shower not bring their children. I am having it at a very nice tea room that is not child proof. There are no acomodations for young children either. What should I say and where should I say it? (link)
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I would recommend trying some positive sounding words that are HIGHLY suggestive that kids are not invited unless you are comfortable saying "No kids, please" (which is always an option and cannot be confused!) or "Over 18 only".
One way would be "So please find a babysitter and enjoy a sophisticated afternoon at Name Of tea room". Another wording could be "I look forward to enjoying adult only company".
Now that I think about it though... I don't think there is anything wrong with being a bit blunt (but polite) such as "please, no children". This is YOUR party and you can invite whoever you want. I would just avoid something like "please leave all obnoxious, snot nosed brats with Grandma and come enjoy my party". Otherwise, anything that is polite should be okay.
Where to say it? I would personally probably stick it either in a conversation paragraph in the top/middle or if you are doing kind of an invitation Time: Date: Location: RSVP: type of format it could go at the bottom under RSVP: such as
RSVP: By 01/01/08
Please, no children.
I hope this helped.
By the way, congratulations! I wish the best of luck and health to you and your baby.
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Okay, so tomorrow I'm going to a gig and I'm going to have ringing in my ears after.
I know the best prevention is ear plugs, however I can't get any in this short ammount of time, so I'll have to be "hardcore" and put up with it.
I know there's no way to make it COMPLETELY go away, but perhaps something that may help? (link)
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Except for wearing ear plugs to protect your ears, I am not certain there is anything that can help. I am not an ear, nose, and throat doctor but I do work in the medical industry and have access to a fair amount of medical information. I am going to paste below some information I found for you... by the way, ringing in the ears is called tinnitus, should you want to do your own research. Please note the fact that this is trauma to your ears and CAN BE PERMANENT!
Here is what I found:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tinnitus
Prevention
Tinnitus and hearing loss can be permanent conditions, thus, precautionary measures are advisable. If a ringing in the ears is audible after exposure to a loud environment, such as a rock concert or a work place, it means that damage has been done. Prolonged exposure to noise levels as low as 70 dB can result in damage to hearing (see noise health effects). For musicians and DJs, special musicians' earplugs can lower the volume of the music without distorting the sound and can prevent tinnitus from developing in later years.
I do not have the actual answer to your question; "perhaps something that may help" but I hope this information helped you nonetheless.
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15 male
I asked a question from a while ago about a family issue in Mauritius? Anyway, things got a lot better and my mum is talking to her now.
But, the father has now moved to Australia and moved in with her (the shop incident was resolved thanks to your fantastic advice by the way, if i hadn't lost the site to rate, then it would've been a 5). But with the birthing date coming closer (14th Feb), the dad dropped it on her that he wanted one of his friends (somebody in the Black Market) to stay in the house in the lounge. Thankfully, she said no, but i'm worried because i don't think anybody is talking to her and there won't be enough people to support her after the pregnacy.
My question is: how do i get them past their resentment to her and help her through this?
(By the way, thanks to your answer, you inspried me to start my own column on this site)
triquetra (link)
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Of course I remember you! And thank you for all of your kind words.
I can tell that you are feeling a very strong need to help your cousin and I have a tremendous amout of respect for that. I think the problem here is that it is out of your hands. This is the last thing I want to be telling you. I am a major advocate in helping family when ever and how ever. In this situation, though, your cousin knew what she was getting into. I believe you previously said she was married to the father of her baby. She knew him well enough to marry him. She knew him well enough to get pregnant. She is strong enough to tell him "no" regarding his questionable friend. It is her responsibility to find friends in her new community that can be there for her to talk to and help if she needs it.
You alone cannot force the rest of your family to get over their resentment. You can only control how you feel and good for you for being able to love her as a person, not a person who has done some things she should not have done.
You can encourage them to realize the love they had for her before she did wrong. Remind them that none of us are perfect, we have all done things wrong. It is always best to forgive. But as far as actually getting them to change their minds... that is completely up to them.
You are truly a commendable person. Your desire to fix your family's problems shows you have a huge heart. Unfortunately, somtimes there just comes a time when you have done all that you can and you just have to continue doing what YOU can do and let everyone else do what they are going to do. YOU can continue to talk to the rest of your family. YOU can continue to communicate with your cousin. Offer her words of encouragement. Be there if she needs to cry on your shoulder (over the phone or in a letter). Be excited about the birth of her child. These are things YOU can do. All you can do about the rest is just hope that they will come to realize that this girl is still family and she and her new baby need their love just as much now as she did a few months ago, a few years ago, and as much as she will 20 years down the road. It is not their job to shun her.
Best of luck with this. I am sorry I could not give you the answer you actually wanted. I think this is one of the hardest thing about giving advice. Sometimes the advice is the opposite of what people are wanting or expecting. At least you know YOU are doing the right thing. Try to feel good about that.
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hi, 15f, and i was reading your advice column, and i really am into helping people too, and i know for a fact that i want to do something where i can help someone when i get older. I have had it in my head for a while that i wanted to be an phsycologist (spelling?) anyway, i was just wondering, how did you know you were going to be a phsycologist? How do i know if i would be any good? I know i do not know much about it, and i would go to college to study it. But i really just generally wanted to know what you did, and all the above :-] Thank you so much, and i admire you! (link)
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I am going to write this down in my diary as the first day in my life anyone has ever claimed to admire me!!! Thank you. You are very sweet.
I took every psychology class I could take in high school and college. I didn't want to be a psychologist... I wanted to be a nurse. But I loved everything about psychology. I have always been fascinated about why society is the way it is and how people feel when different situations present themselves.
I did not know until fairly recently I wanted to study psychology. I didn't know enough about the different branches to know! I remember back around 2000 I thought about switching from nursing to psychology but I just could not imagine sitting in an office all day listening to people whine about their problems all day. I did NOT want to continue nursing so I decided to go into theology. The problem I had there was similar to my issue with psychology... I could NOT IMAGINE myself writing sermons week after week and dealing with all the situations my pastor has to deal with. My Christian faith is incredibly strong... but sermons? Hospital visits? Funerals!!!? How depressing!
SO. Luckily I have a very patient, loving, supportive husband. A few years ago I got involved with counseling at my church. I became involved with divorce counseling for kids ages 6-12. I am from a divorced family and my parents' divorce was incredibly traumatic. I ended up with post traumatic stress syndrome from it but never got the counseling I needed. My first term as a divorce counselor (when I was 28!!) actually helped me to finally come to terms with some things from my own childhood.
I was so enthusiastic about the class that I decided to help out with parenting classes as well through my church. My husband made a passing comment one afternoon about me actually switching to psychology with a concentration in marriage and family so I could actually help families avoid divorce... but if it became inevitable, I could help them get through it and cope. Believe it or not, this had NEVER occurred to me. So I looked into at the local university and things just sort of went from there. It turned out that I had had SO MUCH psychology in my past that I was already considered a Junior! I am still studying, however. It is not easy being an adult married student with 2 kids and a third on the way. If you want to actually be a therapist you cannot just stop at a bachelor's. A master's at LEAST is required, and I will likely attempt a PhD so I can have any sort of option I could imagine! My husband just finished his master's degree so it is my turn to go back... but it is a long process. It would be MUCH BETTER for you as you can start right in after high school.
Our society has changed so dramatically over the last 100 years that I cannot forsee psychologists every dwindling. Humans were NOT meant to fall in and out of love the way they do. We were not meant to have our families be constantly separated. Many parents do horriffic things to their kids, neighbors do horriffic things to kids... quite unfortunately, people need someone trained in specific fields of study to help them get through the really tough situations in life. I have this (irritating) ability of actually visualizing myself in someone elses' situation. Not just "feeling bad" for them... but recently I heard about a family whose child was killed. I actually visualized myself crying hysterically next to the open coffin of my 4 year old son and realizing I would never be able to hold him, stroke his hair, hear his laugh, smell his scent, or rub his back or feet ever again. What would I do with his clothes? His room? His favorite toys? I would want things to remain the same forever but how could I ever look into his room again? This is not an ability I wish on anyone as it leaves me in quite a state of depression myself... but it makes me more empathetic to a person's situation. I have a tremendous amout of care and concern for other people's well being, not just the money or status of being a psychologist. I think that is most important!
Shesh... I can't believe I have gone on this much. It is great that you want to be a psychologist. I recommend that you start thinking about what your gifts are as far as helping people. Are you better at helping people who have lost a loved one? Who have been attacked? Whose family is splitting up? Most psychologists have a concentration. Once you know what your concentration would be, read books and take any classes you can about it. Psychiatrists frequently have a general study of the field but this is most often because they need to know if you need behavioral/emotional help or actual drugs to balance out a chemical issue with your brain.
I hope this helped some. I have rambled quite a bit. All I can say is best of luck with college. The more you read and study about psychology the more you will know what you want to do.
Thank you for writing to me about this. I hope you aren't reading all this regreting asking me haha! I can be a talker but I feel that when people ask a question, they do not give a lot of information and I want to help them. I cannot help them by giving them only partial advice so I try to give the advice on every possible scenario that they have not actually given me.
Thanks again and best of luck!
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okay, 15f, and my mom just bought me a new piece of furniture.heres the story:
i was at my house, my parents went out to the mall, my mom saw a piece a furniture that she really liked for me, and tried sending a pic of it to me a bunch of times, but it didnt work so she just bought it. when she came home she asked me if i liked it, and i really didnt...it just wasnt my style, and downright ugly. i told her i didnt really like it because it wasnt my style, but i was thankful for her thinking of me, and she got mad at me because it was $200.00 and i didnt like it. so to make her happy i told her i liked it and i would keep it, but she told me for now on she was going to only buy for her and my dad. did i do something wrong? what do i do? (link)
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Being a kid can be just as difficult as being a parent sometimes. Your mom had the best, loving, thoughtful intentions that kind of backfired and you got a bit stuck in situation.
The only thing you did "wrong" would have been to voice the opinion that you weren't crazy about it but thank you for thinking of me. It probably would have been best just to thank her and accept it.
But then you have the problem of being stuck with an ugly piece of furniture that you don't really like. This is, however, the sacrafices we make trying to make our loved one's happy. Little kids sometimes make things for mom or dad that are hidious but mom and dad NEVER get rid of them because they understand the love that went into it.
However, in this situation she DID buy it with the risk that you may not like it. If she was unable to get a picture sent to you, it might have been better for her to either take you back with her the next day, or buy it with the idea that she may need to return it.
I suggest that you try talking to her again. Wait until she is in a better mood and DO NOT bring up the fact that you don't like it. This situation goes beyone whether or not you liked it. Your mom's feelings were hurt because you "turned down her gift". A better dialogue would be something like, "I don't want you to stop thinking of me and surprising me with gifts. I thought it was so nice of you to do this. I really appreciate it and love you for being so thoughtful. Please don't be mad at me anymore. Why don't we hang out this weekend and do something fun, just the two of us?"
I really don't believe it is about the ugly piece of furniture. It is more likely about your mom missing her kid while she was out shopping and wanted to do something loving and it was turned down. Now she feels rejected. I think you can easily make it up to her by spending some quality time with her letting her know how much you love her.
But did you do something wrong? I don't think so. These little quarrels are a part of life in a family. You two will be okay.
Best of luck.
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is it safe to have sex after doing ecstasy? (link)
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This question is not really possible to answer... at least not with the answer I think you are wanting.
My question is: Why are you concerned if sex is safe after ecstasy when one is doing drugs to begin with? When you do drugs you are literally killing yourself little bits at a time, somtimes completely if you overdose! Is sex really an issue here?
Your question is something along the lines of someone wanting to jump off of a highway overpass but concerned because they recently ate a full meal. It just doesn't make sense.
The better question to ask is how can a person doing ecstacy get help with their addiction and make better life choices. You did not specifically state that it was YOU doing ecstacy. This could be a simple question to resolve a debate two people are having. However, the question suggests that you are doing ecstacy and my recommendation is you work on your drug issues and not worry about sex. Ecstacy is not safe, forget about sex. If you are a male and get a female pregnant while on ecstacy, you could cause a significant deal of problems with the baby. If you are female and GET pregnant while on ecstacy, you could cause a significant deal of problems with the baby.
A person who is fulfilling their life with drugs is missing the big picture of life. Sex can be just as much of a drug as an actual chemical; you are fulfilling a void in your life. The problem with sex and drugs is the fulfillment is only temoprary and can actually make you feel worse rather than better.
If you are indeed on drugs and having sex along with it, you have severe psychological issues that you should find help resolving. Don't be alone in your problems. There are people in your community who can help you.
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