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Parents Split?!?!
Hi, I posted a question and someone told me that your helped her when she had a problem similar to mine and referred me to you. This story is kinda long so I hope you have the time and patience to read it...Ever since I was younger my parents always had problems. They never even slept together and everyone thought my dad liked my sister more and there were family rumours that he didnt even think I was his biological daughter. He finally left, he was very dependable on people and still is. He left without telling anyone and just abandoned us and didnt even tell us where he lived but still expected us to call him because it was our responsibility as his daugters (I have an older sister) The point is he left us with a $20,000 debt and cut out home line, internet and cable, AND my moms Insurence without letting us know. Now my mom can't get covered until July and she has to be on VERY expensize meds. He is alwasy talking about us to other people, good and bad and my sister (his favorite) has cut off communication with him and I am constantly trying to keep a relationship with him. I have asked him for help finanacially (we really need it) and he denies me the money. He is constantly calling me for help with his problems because he doesnt knwo english very well. I am afraid for him, he tried to commit suicide before and has a somewhat Bi-Polar personality. I feel bad for not talking to him anymore but if he doesnt have the heart to help us financially (because I believe it is his responsibilty as a father)why should I try to keep a relationship with him. Help. I don't know what to think. Is it wrong for me to think what I am thinking. And how am I supposed to get Financially help from him? Me and my sister already give me mom $600-800 each month and we can't afford it anymore. What should I Do!!!!????!!!
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What a load for you to carry!!! People thinking your dad prefers your sister?? Dad not even certain you are actually his??
This is certainly a very deep, emotional situation for you and your family.
I believe 100% in the family unit and attempting to salvage what can be salvaged. That being said… it almost sounds to me like this is a case where it is almost better that he left. There was too much chaos and tension with him around. You clearly still love him very much. You show that in the amount of hurt you are describing.
You have the right to have any feeling you have. You have the right to want to cut off ties with him. You have the right to be afraid for him. A bipolar, suicidal father is an emotionally difficult thing to deal with. You never know if he is going to continue to be okay or not. He talks about you behind your back.
As far as your sister being his “favorite”, there are some issues I have with this statement. First, be very careful about allowing yourself to believe this. If you do believe it, it could cause you tremendous sadness. It can also cause you the desire to overcompensate with your father causing you to behave with him in ways that could only end up with you being hurt further. You could try to be excessively nice to him to “win points” or be extremely nasty to him and have him have no idea why you are so angry.
It seems to me that you are too involved in a problem that involves your parents. I completely respect the fact that you are worried about your mom’s health and it is commendable that you are helping her financially as best you can. However, divorce is a problem between adults. I do not know your age so you may be an adult child of divorcing parents. Whatever your age, this divorce is between your mom and dad. I don’t want to downplay the idea that your help is very much appreciated my your mom. I certainly don’t want to tell you to stop doing what you can to continue to help her. But, there needs to be a separation of yourself from the “grown up” problems. You have your own issues to deal with, your own life to live. You DO need to be a part of the family unit… but there are some aspects of our parents lives that we should just be apart from.
Your father has too many issues for you to concern yourself with. If he calls, if it is your desire to talk to him, talk to him. Do NOT feel obligated to help him in any way. That is not your responsibility as a child. Let him know you love him, you are concerned for him, whatever your heart tells you to do… but do not let him make YOU feel that you need to take care of him in any way.
I want to open up a little of myself to you just to let you know I totally know what you are going through. My parents split when I was a kid. Mom got custody. Mom was an unfit mother and I nearly ended up in the foster care system until Dad found out what was going on and he finally rescued me. Now that I am adult, I see her only a handful of times a year, I will NOT let her alone with my children. She has called me for financial help and I will physically take her to get food, or get her a gift card to the local food store but I will NOT give her cash. I do not trust what she will use the cash for and if I get her a gift card, she can only use it on food and necessary items at the store. She can bring on the tears easier than the worlds greatest actress and I just ignore it.
It is difficult to have to put limits and boundaries on our relationships with our parents. We all want to be able to have the mommy and daddy who are always there for us that we can trust with our lives. I understand that your situation is not this way and figuring out how to cope with that is not easy.
Given I do not even know what country you live in (you mentioned Dad doesn’t speak much English which has me questioning if you are in the USA or not, I do not know a lot of resources to suggest. Hopefully Mom has a job. If you and/or your sister are of working age, it would be helpful of you to also have jobs so you don’t have to ask Mom for anything you “want” such as new shoes, makeup, etc. There could be services such as welfare type of services that Mom can get just until she capable of handling things on her own. If she is ill (you mentioned her medications) there may be services available for medical/prescription bills. In this case I would start by asking her doctor if he/she can give you the phone numbers to any caseworkers in your area that could help you. It is close to July… if she is just able to get help for a couple of months she will be insured again. If you and your sister are underage (under 18… possibly 21) you could qualify for a children’s health insurance program.
As far as how to think about Dad… he needs help. Until he gets that help, I think it is emotionally better for you to distance yourself. You CANNOT be held responsible for what he does or how he acts and it is not up to you to take care of him. There is a small possibility he could be “playing” the suicidal card to tear at your “heart strings” or manipulate you.
The last bit of advice I can offer you is to attempt to get yourself help. It doesn’t sound like you can necessarily afford therapy right now but if you are in school, you could talk to a school counselor. Talk to a grandparent or someone you trust about how you are feeling. If you are religious, go to someone in your church. The worst thing to do is hold this emotion; anger and sadness inside you. That can cause physical and mental health problems.
I am sorry it took a few days for me to get back to you. This was a special situation that I wanted to have time to mull over and contemplate. I don’t like to be hasty in my answers as I feel anyone who tells me they need help deserves the best help I can offer.
I wish you the absolute best of luck. This is a very difficult situation you, your sister, and your mother are in. Stick together and I really believe the three of you can pull through as a unit.
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