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Remember the Mauritius Question?
15 male
I asked a question from a while ago about a family issue in Mauritius? Anyway, things got a lot better and my mum is talking to her now.
But, the father has now moved to Australia and moved in with her (the shop incident was resolved thanks to your fantastic advice by the way, if i hadn't lost the site to rate, then it would've been a 5). But with the birthing date coming closer (14th Feb), the dad dropped it on her that he wanted one of his friends (somebody in the Black Market) to stay in the house in the lounge. Thankfully, she said no, but i'm worried because i don't think anybody is talking to her and there won't be enough people to support her after the pregnacy.
My question is: how do i get them past their resentment to her and help her through this?
(By the way, thanks to your answer, you inspried me to start my own column on this site)
triquetra
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Of course I remember you! And thank you for all of your kind words.
I can tell that you are feeling a very strong need to help your cousin and I have a tremendous amout of respect for that. I think the problem here is that it is out of your hands. This is the last thing I want to be telling you. I am a major advocate in helping family when ever and how ever. In this situation, though, your cousin knew what she was getting into. I believe you previously said she was married to the father of her baby. She knew him well enough to marry him. She knew him well enough to get pregnant. She is strong enough to tell him "no" regarding his questionable friend. It is her responsibility to find friends in her new community that can be there for her to talk to and help if she needs it.
You alone cannot force the rest of your family to get over their resentment. You can only control how you feel and good for you for being able to love her as a person, not a person who has done some things she should not have done.
You can encourage them to realize the love they had for her before she did wrong. Remind them that none of us are perfect, we have all done things wrong. It is always best to forgive. But as far as actually getting them to change their minds... that is completely up to them.
You are truly a commendable person. Your desire to fix your family's problems shows you have a huge heart. Unfortunately, somtimes there just comes a time when you have done all that you can and you just have to continue doing what YOU can do and let everyone else do what they are going to do. YOU can continue to talk to the rest of your family. YOU can continue to communicate with your cousin. Offer her words of encouragement. Be there if she needs to cry on your shoulder (over the phone or in a letter). Be excited about the birth of her child. These are things YOU can do. All you can do about the rest is just hope that they will come to realize that this girl is still family and she and her new baby need their love just as much now as she did a few months ago, a few years ago, and as much as she will 20 years down the road. It is not their job to shun her.
Best of luck with this. I am sorry I could not give you the answer you actually wanted. I think this is one of the hardest thing about giving advice. Sometimes the advice is the opposite of what people are wanting or expecting. At least you know YOU are doing the right thing. Try to feel good about that.
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