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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Every year my boyfriend goes to The Vibes. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, its a annual four-day music, camping and arts festival thing. well last year I didn't go with him because we weren't dating at the time, although last year he texted me saying "i wish you were here, that'd be cool" (this is when we first starting talking).
Anyway.. last night I was over his house and he was telling me funny stories about his time at the vibes last year, and I said "I want to go with you this year!" and I was excited because I never went, and I invited myself because I figured he wanted me there since he said he wished I was there last year. Anyway, when I said that, he hesitated sort of and didn't sound as enthusiastic as I'd hoped. So I became immediately offended and I was just like "Okay... if you don't want me to go then just say so." ANd he's like "thats not the case at all" and Im like "so.. what is it then?" and hes like "Well I just dont want you to be uncomfortable.. because I'm gonna be doing stuff" and IM like "okay.... what stuff?" and hes like "well there are a lot of drugs going on there. and im like "yeah, i know you smoke a lot of weed. big deal" and hes like "well I may do shrooms too" and i was a little ehhh about that because i just dont really like more than weed but I sucked it up and didnt want to be controlling so I said "okay. thats fine." If thats what he likes to do to have a good time there every year then i cant really make him not do that. but then hes like "and i take some percocet" when he said that my mood immediately changed, and he noticed. and we ended up sitting down and talking about it and I told him that really makes me uncomfortable because its just not natural. and hes like "its my body (blah blah blah)... and all that. ANd my brother used to be addicted to Oxycontin, and he knows this. and idk.. the point I'm trying to get at here before i completely bore you guys, is that I want to go with him but 1. i dont want him taking pills he has NO prescription for. and 2. i feel wrong being around that after what my brother went through. And my boyfriend has no addictions gto anything. this is something he just does once a year at the vibes. But I really wanted to share this with him and go and its like he'd rather pop a few pills then to go with me. Thats how it feels and when i explained this to him hes like "thats not the case. and i only take 10mg at a time. and i dont drink with it." i know it wont turn into a problem for him but thats not the point. the point is hes pushing me to the side, and instead of just saying "you know what? forget it i wont take the pills id rather just be with you. if it makes you that uncomfortable its okay"... he just is stubborn and its making me feel really left out. I want to go but its like he doesnt wnat me to even if he says he does. hes very honest to the point its blunt sometimes so I know hes not LYING to me by saying he wants me to go. but its the point that hes willing to leave me out just to take some pills. What do I do? should i be offended? should i talk to him again even though i already did? should i be worried about him? should ijust let it go? is 10mg really that big of a deal? please share your stories! I'm really worried and cant stop obsessing over this......
The Answer
If you "Want to go to The Vibes" then you should go - with a group of people you know will want to enjoy the music and camping. When your boyfriend is doing stuff other than getting high, you can hang out with him too.
But, If you "Want to go to The Vibes with your boyfriend" then don't. He doesn't want to go 'with you' he wants to go and do drugs, and you don't sound like you wanna sit around and wait for him while he does.
He has been honest: The Vibes is just an excuse for him to get wasted in stupid ways. Lots of people use these summer festivals for exactly that. You are right to be a bit worried: It IS stupid to take perscription drugs you buy from sketchy people at music festivals.
So, What do you do?
Probably not go, certainly not go just with him. You both want very different things out of this 'vacation'.
Should you be offended?
Not too much - I understand why you feel a bit mislead. Last year's text of "I want you here" was probably honest. In that moment, he probably really did want you around, but that doesn't mean he necessarily wants to go the concert with you.
Should you talk to him agian?
That depends really. If you are going to look for a different group of people to go with, then yes, you should let him know that's what you are doing. If you are really disappointed in his stupid choices, that might be worth another clear statement of.
Should you be worried about it?
Worrying isn't about 'Should' it's about being worried. Is your boyfriend going to get seriously hurt? Probably not. Is he behaving in a responsible or safe way? Probably not. Whether you worry or not is really up to you.
Is 10mg really that big of a deal?
Well, it's not that much of the drug, that's true, but in my life anyone who thought taking any ammount of a perscription drug for kicks would be a 'big enough deal' for me to at least seriously consider ending the relationship over. I like to date people with better judgement.
You've got some soul-searching to do. I think your instincts are right: You can't tell your boyfriend not to be an idiot and you can't make him want the same concert experience as you do, but you CAN decide what kind of life and relationship you want to have, and this disagreement might be a sign that what you want and what he wants aren't compatible.
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The Question
so i love my boyfriend very much we hae ben together three months and were close n just i get prtoective of him around certian girls but he digs that , sometimes i just get this feeling he might rather be doing other thigs but he tells me he doesnt cause ill tell him its ok if he hangs out with his guy friends and that its ok , and im really laid back so he knows i mean it but we went to the mall earlier and after i left i said did you have fun after i left and he said ya it was great i said cool , but he said its sad cause i got really hyper when you left i said oh... he said i wished you were there and didnt have to leave cause it would have been fun-er and(my ex boyfriend was there i guess) and your ex is alright i guess cause we were all joking around. (i hate my ex cause he cheated on me but my boyfriend said he didnt think it ment alot caue i was only with my ex for a week) is it bad if all of this make me bothered or am i just ...overly thinking it? Sorry If This Is Long. im a female and im turning 16 my boyfriends 18
The Answer
You're over thinking it.
Your ex might have been a dick to you, but your boyfriend is also right: You only dated him for a week, he screwed up and your broke up.
This makes your ex a lousy boyfriend for you - but it doesn't make him a horrible human being that no one should be friends with.
It's okay to be a bit weirded out by it, or to not want to be your exes friends - but your boyfriend should be able to be friendly to him in a large group without it upsetting you.
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The Question
I'm pregnant. He doesn't want the baby, although he hasn't talked about adoption or abortion with me. He has purchased some fuckbuddy of his an abortion in the past though. He is a disfellowshipped Jehovah's Witness who is trying very hard to get back to his congregation. He goes to all the meetings, etc. But obviously, he doesn't show remorse, so he has not been reinstated. (He was disfellowshipped in the first place for running an escort agency, cheating on his ex who was his fiance with more than 50 women over a period of 4 years, excessive drinking, stealing a computer from someone in his congregation, and some other things I cannot recall.) I am pregnant, and now he is casually dating other girls, he took my keys and removed me from his lease, refuses to give me my cat, and does not even call or email or text. How can someone who claims they are a Jehovah's Witness do something like this? He used to rag on me because I am agnostic, I was raised Catholic but I have my doubts about religion in general, so I like to keep it simple and just follow the basic principles of most religions. Such as don't harm others, honesty, don't steal, honor your parents, etc. However, I choose to ignore specific things that the bible teaches...such as "harming your body because it's a temple" I don't care that I smoke cigarettes (leave me alone, it's a personal choice and legal vice), I don't care that I have tattoos, (they're not offensive or blasphemous tattoos anyway), etc. Or other specifics that Christian denominations adhere to...such as people being gay. (I don't care if my neighbor is gay, if he's not posting gay porn on his door for all to see, I don't care. Who does it harm?) My ex will not smoke a cigarette or get a tattoo, because it's what his religion tells him, and he is FIRM on these things. He talks bad about gay guys at his place of employment, and says they are definitely going to hell. But, the bible says a man who doesn't take care of his family is worse than a nonbeliever in God. So what gives with this guy? I personally don't think he is a follower of Christ, what do you think? And from a non religious stance, what would make a guy feel okay with abandoning his girlfriend and baby?
The Answer
Your ex boyfriend is clearly a hypocritical peice of shit.
He was also clearly a hypocritical peice of shit long before you got pregnant.
But who the hell cares if a bunch of people you ask online declare him "Not a follower of Christ" or a "Not a True Jehovahs Witness". I understand you are angry with him, but you have way, way bigger fish to fry than trying to label this guys religiosity and to declare he doesn't really believe shit that you, also, don't believe.
Call the police about your cat. If the cat is yours and you can care for it, the police may be willing to get back for you without you getting a lawyer involved.
Then you need to decided what YOU are going to do about your pregnancy. Clearly, he has opted out of being an adult about it, so the decision lies entirely with you. Once you have chossen what you are going to do, talk to a lawyer to protect your choices, and if necessary, your child.
I understand your angry and it's fair to be pissed the fuck off with this dirtbag, but you waste valueable time and energy when you obsess over his twisted religious beliefs, which are obviously basically meaningless even to him. So let it go and focus on the stuff that gets you a better path, rather than whatever crap is going on with him.
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The Question
I have an 8 month old Great Pyrenees and I was wondering, how cold is TOO cold to have him outside for a long length of time? I have a fenced in back yard and he stays outside most of the day, unless I feel like it's too cold or the weather is bad. He always comes in at night. Sometimes I don't really know for sure if it would be too cold for him to handle so I end up bringing him inside and putting him in his kennel (which is plenty big enough) but I then feel bad if he has to stay in his kennel for more than a few hours. How do I know if it's too cold? I give him plenty of attention so he's never "neglected" and he gets plenty of exercise, but when I go to work I need to know he'll be comfortable.
The Answer
if your dog comes in shivering it's too cold. If any ice has frozen onto your dogs coat, it's also too cold.
Temperature tolerance does depend a bit on the individual dog and some pyrenees have much thicker coats than others, so those sorts of signs are really your best guide. I'd also say if you are leaving your dog out in -20 weather, you should be providing a dog house. That would make the lower tempatures much more tolerable.
You also want to take a look and make sure your dogs winter undercoat came in - at only eight months old he might not have grown a full one. If that's the case, I'd be a bit more cautious.
The other thing to check for young, big dogs, is the amount of ice. A young large dog still has growing bones and it is not always stable on thier feet. If your backyard becomes a skating rink, your young dog could get sore or even hurt themself. He's too young to always remember to be careful on the ice.
Finally, if you dog is otherwise getting enough exercise and attention, don't feel bad about the kennel. A young dog who is kennel/crate trained is often happiest and most secure in thier kennel - it's thier den and thier personal safe place. A few hours a day in a kennel, espically at this young age, is probably more of a good thing than a bad thing. Its an important part of training the dog to respect the rest of the home as 'people space', it makes training easier, and it makes sure he's getting the sleep he needs during the day without too much distraction.
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The Question
What is the difference between the way addiction affects the new brain and the old brain? i understand the old brain is our primitive brain, and the new brain is our logical brain.. but how does addiction play a part in each one??
The Answer
The Two (Or Three) Brain concept was made popular as Triune Brain Theory in the 1960s, but it's also pretty much been rejected by every physiologists and neurologist alive today, even though it's still used as a concept by self-help books and motivational speakers.
People who study the human brain understand that it's not a factually accurate explanation of how the brain works, so take it with a grain of salt - it's an outdated theory.
Also, how the brain will be effected will depend a great deal on whether you are talking about a chemical addiction (like alcohol or cocaine) or a behavioral addiction (more accurately called a compulsion). Obviously, chemical addictions introduce specific chemicals into the brain, which changes its behavior, whereas a behavior relies on the brains own mechanisms to be reinforced.
However, in both cases most current research says the the dopamine reward system is the main culprit and can lead to people feel good even when doing things that hurt themselves. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter actually does a few different things, but it's also the brain's own little 'reward system'. It makes us feel good when pet a cute puppy, or when we do drugs.
Cocaine, as an example, actually chemically inhibits the natural dopamine cycle, so dopamine builds up for a while and then gets released all at once - a person feels really good when that happens.
Winning at gambling also releases dopamine - and to put it really simply, gambling addicts become addicted to that 'natural high'.
These activities raise the amount of dopamine in our brains and our brains think the new high level is normal, and we start to crave the dopamine high that only the drug or behavior can give us (and often, it'll take more of the drug, or the behavior, to get the same dopamine levels as high as they first got...)
Dopamine is primarily acting on the limbic system (or the 'Old Brain' if you rather call it that).
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The Question
13. EXTREMELY PARANOID.
So yesterday morning, I was sleeping and I was facing my wall (That means my door was behind me). I had a scared feeling that someone was there, then I felt a poke in my back and it scared me!
Then, last night, I was trying to sleep and I was in the same position. I then had the same feeling of someone behind me, then felt another poke.
Nobody was ever behind me. My door was shut both times and nobody was in my room ever. Do you think it's just the heebee jeebees? Because sometimes I'd be scared there's bugs on me and I'd just feel tingles on my leg or something and nothing was really there. Thanks!
The Answer
It's all your head, but not in a bad way.
It's called Hyperactive Agency Detection and it's well-understood cognitive behavior that it goes something like this:
When we were a young species, living on the plains or in caves, it was safer for our brains to assume that everything we heard in the dark as a threat. If the wind suddenly blew, or the grass rustled, or there was a change in air pressure, or a shifting shadow, rather than our brains thinking "Oh, that was just the wind." our brains kept us safe by always assuming that it was a threat (just in case of that one or two times when it wasn't the wind).
So even today, when something like that happens, our brains scream "Run! It's a wolf! It's going to eat you!" Even though our conscious minds know that's insane it's just hardwired into us to think this way and to assume what we heard was due to an intelligence agent (a person or animal or force) that wants to harm us.
You can read more about it here:
the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agent_detection
So it's totally normal, and you can't really stop it. You can just remind yourself that it really IS your mind playing tricks on you - Tricks that used to help keep you alive and now just keep you up at night.
Edit:
Adviceman is incorrect.
Agency Detection is not spirituality at all. It is pretty much the exact opposite of spiritual: It is a cognitive theory (that is, a scientific explanation of how the brain behaves) that is often brought up to help explain why people all around the world are prone to believe in things like ghosts or spirits. It is well accepted by psychologists that human beings and many other animals have this innate agency detection behavior and bias towards assuming hidden agency.
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The Question
My boyfriend took me to a mall that is about twenty miles from his house. We met up at his school and from there we went. Initially I was going to take the bus and go by mission but he offered to come, so I said okay. I promised to pay for gas since the mall is far. we get there and I buy food cuz he was hungry. Then I continue on with shopping afterwards. On our way back he asks if I want to take the bus home. I said obviously not but youre asking because you want me to. Then he says no, I was going to take you home. he finally takes me to my bus. I try to give him the gas and he won't take it. before we left the mall he put on his mileage counter. It hurt me to see that's I live about twenty five miles away or so and he is always complaining about his mileage. His car is an Audi. for some reason I feel like he is more concerned about his car mileage than me. I don't know if im wrong or am being selfish but what do you guys think. I also take the bus to his house and then he drops me at the bus. There are times when he will take me home but I always feel bad because I can tell he's thinking about gas.
The Answer
If your boyfriend is offering a drive, he should offer it freely.
If you offer him money for gas, he should take it, or refuse it, gratefully and respectfully.
You maybe have a bit of selfishness going on here if you are putting pressure for him to spend more time with you than his finances will really allow, but your boyfriend is the one who is turning this into an issue it doesn't need to be, by refusing to stand up for his limits and/or accepting or suggesting other solutions in an upfront and clear manner.
Offering a favor, like driving, and then having a resentful attitude, is very, very rude and very wrong of him.
I do think you need to call your boyfriend on his extremely rude behavoir. He needs to be clear and honest about when he is willing to drive, and when he isn't. He needs to either flat out tell you he wont take money for gas, or he needs to accept it graciously when it is offered.
What he is doing right now is a power game designed to keep you confused and on your toes. He's playing the victim, rather than being your partner and being honest with you.
Tell him he needs to step up and talk about these things clearly and honestly with you. It's okay to feel money pressure and worry about expenses - it's not okay to use those negative feelings as a excuse to behave badly towards your girlfriend, or even other friends.
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The Question
My friend Joanna is ignoring me and another peer, daphne. this morning, daphne wanted to play a little joke that most probably got joanna mad. but i don't know what to do, now that she's ignoring both me and daphne. what to do?
The Answer
You could apologize?
Pranks are nearly never nice or friendly things to do. If you've made a mistake, apologize.
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The Question
My partners kids live with there grand perents and they get for having the kids £200 each for both kids (2 kids) since me and my panter have had a baby of our own my partners mum as gone to csa and getting £100 of us a week now im unable to but my baby nappies and stuff unless a lend of a family member.. Is this aloud does my partner have to pay csa to his perents even tho they are adopted or that have special gradenship?
The Answer
If a court has said that he must pay child support then he must.
If you feel the child support needs to be adjusted then he needs to apply to the court to have it changed.
It is unfortunate, but true, that some places don't really consider the needs of a parents second family when calculating support for older children.
Nevertheless, the only way for it to be changed is through the courts.
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The Question
18/f.
I'm just wondering if I could get into any kind of legal trouble for posting loser guys kiks on craiglist? Sometimes I'll have guys I don't know randomly kik me pictures of their penis without ever prompting or asking or even being WARNED. To get some satisfaction for myself I thought of posting their kiks on craigslist in the man seeking man section but I don't want to if I could get into serious trouble. Can I? I didn't think so since you can easily block people on the kik app but then again, I don't know for sure.
The Answer
If you are posting them anonymously, then no. It's unlikely anyone can so anything about it.
If you are including any other identifying info (thier name, number, email, kik account...) then you might find yourself in trouble. In many states its considered harassment or cyberstalking. (Not false advertising. If false advertising was a crime in dating profiles everyone would in jail, and you can't 'false advertise' if what you are selling is illegal anyways, like prostitution is in most places.)
But here's the thing: as simple as it sounds, two wrongs don't make a right. Sure, these guys are probably being asses sending these images to you, but its also possible that they are victims of pranks too. Rather than continuing the cycle of obnixousness, be the bigger person and just ignore it.
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The Question
so i have a lot of my writing saved on the laptop, on wordpad. but im recently having problems with this laptop and i want to save my writing in a private blog. What website has a private blog? Im looking for something simple like wordpad. And a website that has been up for a couple years.
The Answer
Pretty much every major blog site (wordpress, blogger, livejournal) all have an option for private posts.
Of course. You could also just e-mail it all to yourself using an e-mail provider like Hotmail or gmail. That serves basically the same purpose.
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The Question
how long does it take for the dog to stop acting like its having puppies
The Answer
I'm not sure what you are asking.
If your dog has recently had a litter, she'll be completely and utterly focused on them at first - she might not even want to leave them to go outside and pee. That's normal.
Puppies can start to be weened at about 4-6 weeks, and thier mom will start refusing to let them suckle and get more and more indifferent to them around 8 weeks. By 10 or 12 weeks, she'll treat them more or less like other dogs. She'll still help them learn how to behave, but she'll be much less invested or interested in them.
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The Question
I'm with a guy I've been with for 18 months, who is usually a dream guy.
However, he has a very short temper, and with snap at me over nothing. He also calls me annoying to other girls, and has said to my face multiple times that he's sick of 'having to handle me' and 'I'm Impossible to deal with'. His favourite things to call me are delusional and ridiculous. He will happily reduce me to tears and then say 'you can't just cry every time you have to face the truth'. He is usually this nasty after I ask him to control his temper, which he claims is 'baiting him' so I 'bring it on myself'
I dont feel like I should have to put up with this, but I love him so much, and we can have wonderful times together
This isn't really an abusive relationship but I didn't know what category to put it in.
Am I over reacting? What do I do to make it stop? Trying to reason with him Doesn't work :(
The Answer
You make it stop by leaving.
This is an abusive relationship - and it's likely to get worse. A man who doesn't take responsibility for his own cruelty, for name-calling or insulting you to others, and who feels no remorse at all when you are distress... That's an abuser in training even if he is nothing else. One of these days this guy will cheat - and tell you it's your fault. Or he will hit you - and tell you that you brought it on yourself.
The only way you get better than this, is by demanding better than this.
If he isn't willing to take responsibility for his temper, at at least work on putting an end to the name-calling, then nothing you can say or do can help him, and you need to walk away.
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The Question
25/f. The guy is my ex boyfriend, as of the end of January. We broke up after over a year of a wonderful relationship, essentially, because he's not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship with me. I've just been through a lot (including serious lifelong health issues, and various types of abuse including emotional, physical, and sexual), and I think I feel/act quite a bit older than I am because of all that I've experienced.
Anyway, he panicked, after being disqualified from something very important to him, and seemed to regress, beginning to act like his high-school self, and point blank, I don't want to date someone who acts that young. But I feel so confused, because this irresponsible person is not the guy I love or the guy I was dating... but I think the man I love no longer exists...
I just feel like a lost little girl. I live alone, I'm financially independent, and though I talk to my parents daily, I rarely see them. I'm very confused by what went on yesterday, and I'd love some input/insight.
I went yesterday to give his mom's Tupperware back to her, since I know they're two pieces she uses quite a bit and I'd had them for around two months. She and I were very close, and she's really making an effort to stay connected with me. She (and his dad) told me I was like the daughter they never had, and they loved me, and I would always be welcome, no matter what. (We talked after he and I broke up.) So, I went over to their house and he was there. He and I still talk daily, almost constantly. I had been talking to his parents for a few days, and they so badly wanted to see me, I figured I'd stop over and see them.
I said "Sorry" to him when he came over to see me, and he shrugged and made a face like he couldn't imagine why I'd be sorry, and hugged me. I thought he was going to be at work, I hadn't intended to see him two days in a row. I accidentally caught him at work when he was about to go on break, and he invited me to lunch with him the day before.
Long story short, I was standing just barely in the kitchen, where everyone was gathered, we talked, and they invited me to take off my coat and stay awhile. Before I could think of an excuse to keep my coat on, my ex had taken it off my shoulders.
We all sat and talked for awhile about just everyday life. I told them funny stories about my job. We laughed at how neither of us had done anything for valentine's day, and how I bought myself a box of chocolates, and how his dog still listened to me better than him, even though the dog hadn't seen me in more than a month... at some point, his mom said "Dinner's ready!" and I said "Well, that's my cue to head out," and they all invited me to stay.
I said "I don't want to impose," and he said,
"Mom's making lasagna; it's delicious. You're fine."
so I said "Well... if you're sure you don't mind..." and his mom immediately put silverware in front of me. I caught his attention and gave him an "Are you sure?" look, and since he's always been great at reading me, he nodded, and we started cleaning off the kitchen table.
So I stayed for dinner. We talked, we laughed, he flicked my knee under the table, I put my cold water glass against his neck, his parents laughed at his squeaky "COLD!" reaction. After dinner, I helped his mom wash the dishes and we talked some more.
Eventually, it was late, and I had a long drive home, so I put my coat on. His parents made sure I understood that I could come see them anytime I was in town, anytime I needed a hug, or to come see the dogs, or any reason I could think of, even if I couldn't think of one.
He hugged me tight and I heard him sigh, I kissed his cheek, he looked like he wanted to kiss me, and I turned and left.
I don't know if it hurt, or if it was nice for everything to feel normal for awhile. I don't know what I'm feeling at all, really... I just hurt...
Please help me.
The Answer
Do you want to get back together with this guy?
Think about it seriously, because that's the road you're on.
That is what his parents want, and I'd bet it's what he wants too.
If you want to be back together with him, then fine. Everything is going well. Keep up the contact. Drop in on his parents again in a week or two. Ask him back, or he'll ask you sooner or later.
But if you don't want to get back together, then you need to reduce contact with him - daily contact isn't for exes or even friends - that's for people you have 'more' with - and eliminate contact with his parents - at least for a while.
Because you can't dump a guy but keep his parents and dogs. You just don't get that kind of intimacy and stay 'the ex'. If you accept that kind of intimacy and that degree of contact, it'll lead to more - more feelings and more sense of obligation.
No one here can help you with what is happening until you decide if you are open to getting back together with him, or if that door is closed for good.
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The Question
Is it weird that I really don't like going on dates? I don't like a guy to try really hard to make me feel special by holding the door, telling me I'm beautiful, etc. but most girls do. To me that's really cheesy and fake.
I'm an interesting and down to earth person and I've had feelings in the past for guys I see all the time, who are in my friend circle. I really want to form a natural friendship with a guy, and hang out with him with other friends first and then when we start to like each other we hang out one-on-one. I want to have the desire to hang out with someone because I really know him and like him as a person. In other words, I feel like it can't START romantically for me to feel "right" and "natural" and "comfortable" about it. Ughh dates are so stupid.
All of the dates I've been on have been with guys that I just met and the first time we're hanging out is one-on-one on a date. Date means more than friends. Guys usually expect at least some kissing and cuddling by the 2nd or 3rd date and I can't feel comfortable doing these things with someone I feel uncomfortable with! Even just spending hours trying to entertain and socialize with this person makes me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like we need to be FRIENDS first and THEN more than friends. For me, forming meaningful friendships takes lots of time. And this is an issue because there aren't that many guys in my friend circle.
I've been VERY sexually attracted to FRIENDS I've had feelings for, but not guys I barely know and have hung out with twice (unless he's really hot). I don't know how so many girls find their boyfriends with skipping that important friendship step. I want to start out with a genuine friendship and then let it blossom.
I don't NEED a relationship right now, but of course I have natural girl desires, much of them strong physical desires, so how do I get this to stop bothering me?
I'm also 21 and very, very inexperienced. Am I closed-minded? Do I need to make myself uncomfortable and do things that are unnatural for the sake of "putting myself out there?"All I keep hearing is that I need to "put myself out there" but at the same time to not "do things that make me feel uncomfortable." Well, dates and kissing with distant aquaintances make me uncomfortable. So, which way to I go?
The Answer
I certainly think you are being a bit closed minded, but you are also definitely being a defeatist. Your approach almost guarantees failure and a near inability to meet new people. That doesn't mean you need to put yourself in situations that make your uncomfortable, but for goodness sakes, start looking for solutions rather than problems.
First step: Get off your damn high horse about dates. You've defined a 'date' as "a thing I don't like" instead of looking for ways to socialize with new people you do enjoy.
Here's what a first 'date' is to me:
First off, I avoid using the word date with a guy until I know I at least want to see him a few times.
When I ask a guy to hang out with me one on one (and yes, with new people it's not fair to demand they hang out with all your friends, imagine how uncomfortable you'd be if a guy insisted you join him with all his friends!) So, I want a public place, where it's easy to go dutch, where we can talk easily, and only need to spend on hour or two together max.
Small art galleries work well, so do places that only serve dessert or volunteering at something mundane - that's always a good one. Spending hours on hours with a new person is uncomfortable! So choose a venue where you can spend 45mins, or 3 hours, but don't spend an afternoon with someone you just met, and don't go somewhere private. No one expects you to cuddle while you stuff bags at the food back.
These little outings only become dates in hindsight, when both people know that yes, they actually do want to date one another.
If you don't want to 'date' them, right away or at all, then tell em you'd like to be friends and invite along to group events.
Take some control over your dating life and start crafting 'dates' you can enjoy with new people, 'cause only dating long-term male friends isn't going to give you a very large pool and will probably get pretty complicated in the long run too.
If you want to start by 'making a new friend' than start that way! No one is saying you can't, but for your own sake at least 'put yourself out there' to make new male friends. Ditch the ones you don't want to have anything to do with. Invite the ones you think are cool to hang out with your friends. Be honest and upfront about not wanting to jump into a relationship.
Don't use "I'm not comfortable" as an excuse not to take risks and actually figuring out what works for you.
Don't tell yourself you've got what works for you all figured out already and sit back and wait for Mr Right to show up, build a friendship, be available, and ask you out. That doesn't happen for many people. Relationships, of all kinds, take work from both parties to find and to nurture.
There are cool people out there. There are cool guys out there who would just like to meet some cool girls and are okay if it doesn't develop into anything more than a friendship, but you aren't going to realize that those people exist, and are having the kinds of 'friend dates' you want to have, until you look for them and learn to spot them.
Yes - this will mean hanging out with some assholes too. But each asshole is one asshole less, and makes you better at spotting the non-assholes. Dating is a 'learn by doing' activity. If you don't let yourself learn, you'll never learn!
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The Question
Okay, so my past relationships involved a lot of sex. It became regular (especially my last two). We had trouble being together without contemplating how and where we can bang...
Now here's my issue: my current boyfriend apparently isn't big on sex with me (actually he probably just isn't ready or something like that which means I need to be patient and wait, instead of letting it bruise my ego..)
But you see, I'm so used to sex it became sort of an addiction. Especially if he and I are making out and he'd do something that turns me on; I basically react automatically (kiss him deeper, kiss his neck, etc) and it's like he avoids it. Tries to make a joke, or something to break the mood some how (i.e. I kissed him deeper, and he replied by pushing his lips against mine and laughed saying "I can push too").
I'll be honest, it makes me feel rejected... Like he doesn't want me like that. Logically, there is probably some other factors. (i.e. I'm his second, i think, we attempted before and he got "whiskey dick" minus the whiskey, etc.) But I'm so used to things being like if I kiss them deeper, or I kiss their neck, or try to be sexy or something they respond by kissing back/kissing my neck/etc.
He kisses me, holds me, etc. And I know he likes me, I'm not questioning that. Nor do I want to pressure him or anything.
What I need advice on is dealing with myself not my boyfriend. Like today we were giving back massages, he touched my neck/back just right where I got turned on. Then when I gave him one in return, I was doing my best not to be sexual (because I know he was as sore as I was).
I need help controlling myself, and containing my urges (also to not let my anxieties/paranoia over whelm me and make me feel rejected and self conscious when he does stuff like that). I love that he's able to hold me, kiss me intimately, etc without sex to be involved... BUT sometimes I want more than sex. And when I feel like that I just end up embarrassing myself. What should I do when I want sex, since he apparently doesn't... ?? How the hell do I contain my hormones??
The Answer
First off, you ask him what is up.
Anxienty and paranoia is what happens when you don't know what's going on. The only way to control that is to speak to him. You both know that you are ready for more physical intimacy than he is. It's obvious to both of you. So just ask him, gently, to tell you what is going on in his head.
As for your urges, masturbate. And pornography or erotica, if you find them morally acceptable. Learning how to pleasure yourself is an important life skill - most people learn it before they are ever sexually active with another person. If you haven't learned, do yourself a favor and learn now.
However, you also have to talk to him. Once you know what is going through his mind, you'll know better where the boundaries are, an you might find you can get more of what you want when you both awknowledge where it stops.
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The Question
I was dismissed from a masters program due to failure to meet academic expectations set forth in the clinical portion. I appealed the faculty's decision to the department chair on grounds that I was feeling anxious/depressed and not in the right place..but have since taken care of myself and feel determined to succeed. Since the faculty followed department policy, I was required to appeal to the dean of the college--- I provided documentation from my therapist, and a written appeal. I asked to meet in person, but have just received a letter stating that my appeal was denied and that I have the option of re-applying after one year.
At this point, I am willing to appeal to a higher level in the university. I have a few questions regarding this process:
1) Given the information above, what is the best office to contact? What is best to ask?
2) What are my chances of a successful appeal (realistically)?
3) How could an attorney help me in the process, if it came down to it?
The Answer
You could ask the student union, or graduate student union your first question. Different universities will be set up differently, and there may not actually be an office to contact. The Dean is pretty high up in the university hierarchy - they report to the president/CEO of the university and/or the provost - so if you want to go over their head, you are likely going to the provost. You would definitely be best to get advice from someone who knows how you particular university works.
Realistically - the chances of success are not good. There really isn't a process for the next level of appeal. The university likely considers the Dean the final say in the matter. Unless you are accusing them of discrimination or some illegal or immoral behavoir, I can't see why any office at the university would overrule them in the matter. You'd probably just get refereed back to the dean.
An attorney could only help you if you are accusing the university, the department, or the dean of discriminating against you, or not acting in accordance with the university's policy. An attorney would need to argue that you are being discriminated against and/or that others in your situation have received different treatment, or that the department didn't follow it's own policy. They can't just argue that you really deserve to be a student and that you'll do better now - That is what your therapist and your own appeal has already told them. An attorney would need a legal argument.
Frankly, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't want to burn any bridges or make accusations unless I felt they were 100% true. I'd find something productive to do for a year, and then re-apply to this program and others.
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The Question
whenever my in laws come over i got to my room, the kids are either younger or older than me and I'm 17. Am I wrong for going to my room ?
The Answer
It's very rude.
You should spend some time with them - greet them when they come in, be polite and stick around at least until everyone is settled down and seated. You are old enough to be helpful with the younger kids and to answer questions and have some conversations with the adults.
They are family. They aren't always convenient and sometimes it's stressful, but you aren't a child who can simply ignore them and play off in a corner by yourself. You are a young adult and you need to behaving invitingly and respectfully towards guests.
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The Question
If she loves me but she don't want to have sex with me what must I do
The Answer
You can't do anything.
Loving someone doesn't mean you are ready to have sex with them.
There are many reasons she might not want to have sex: her religion, her family, her health.
Even if she doesn't have a perfect reason you still have to accept it when she says no.
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The Question
hi, we have been dating for 3 years and he's a single father to his 5 year old girl with his ex girlfriend. we love each other and we've been living together for more than a year. but whenever i mention his ex or daughter he gets really defensive and makes me feel like i'm an outsider. for example if i say that is expensive to give a 5 year old and he would go and blunt,''so what.'' or if i tell his daughter being brat and he wouldn't like it. maybe because he's in late 40's or i don't know. i mean why would someone make a girlfriend feel like and outsider and always defensive when his kid and ex r mentioned? he says he can't stand his ex but for the sake of his kid he needs to stay in contact with her. help guys. thanks
The Answer
You are an outsider.
I'm not saying your boyfriend is doing the right thing - maybe he isn't - we'll get to that in a second, but you are an outsider when it comes to his child and his ex, and you always will be to some extent.
And there are some great things about being an outsider! But there are also some downsides.
The downside is that you don't get a say in what money is spent on the child, or how the child is disciplined.
If you are living together, and share finances, and he is blowing rent money on toys, then you have a right to speak up. If he simply spending more money on his child than you think is really necessary, keep it to yourself. You can suggest less expensive or more sentimental toys, but your judgement will not be appreciated.
If the child is behaving badly in your home, or when out with you and him, speak to him afterwards about what behavoir you found unpleasant and how you and he can manage that behavoir in the future. Don't call the child names like brat or use words like annoying. Don't stick yourself in the middle - instead, tell him you want to make sure all of you are having a good time when you are out together, and ask him how you can support him as a parent when the child misbehaves.
That's how you make yourself an appropriate, and respectful person in of this part of his life.
You are an outsider. You are not the child's mother. You aren't even his wife, or her step-mother yet. So you don't get a lot of say in much. He will always have a relationship with his ex and his child that is separate from the one he has with you. You will never be entitled to be involved in every faucet of either of those relationships.
What you can be is second pair of eyes for him as a parent. You can be another adult who loves his daughter and wants the best for her - but when you disagree with him about what is best, he gets the final word. Always.
If you stop pushing so hard for power and say over topics you don't actually have any power over, or say in, you'll probably find he gets less defensive and more willing to let you participate as a helper and a supporter.
Remember: Unless he is doing something epically stupid or dangerous, your role here is purely to support him as a parent. That means what he says, and what he decides when it comes to his child, is how is goes. If you disagree, disagree respectfully and without name-calling or insults, after the child has gone back to their mom.
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