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I want a friend first
Is it weird that I really don't like going on dates? I don't like a guy to try really hard to make me feel special by holding the door, telling me I'm beautiful, etc. but most girls do. To me that's really cheesy and fake.
I'm an interesting and down to earth person and I've had feelings in the past for guys I see all the time, who are in my friend circle. I really want to form a natural friendship with a guy, and hang out with him with other friends first and then when we start to like each other we hang out one-on-one. I want to have the desire to hang out with someone because I really know him and like him as a person. In other words, I feel like it can't START romantically for me to feel "right" and "natural" and "comfortable" about it. Ughh dates are so stupid.
All of the dates I've been on have been with guys that I just met and the first time we're hanging out is one-on-one on a date. Date means more than friends. Guys usually expect at least some kissing and cuddling by the 2nd or 3rd date and I can't feel comfortable doing these things with someone I feel uncomfortable with! Even just spending hours trying to entertain and socialize with this person makes me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like we need to be FRIENDS first and THEN more than friends. For me, forming meaningful friendships takes lots of time. And this is an issue because there aren't that many guys in my friend circle.
I've been VERY sexually attracted to FRIENDS I've had feelings for, but not guys I barely know and have hung out with twice (unless he's really hot). I don't know how so many girls find their boyfriends with skipping that important friendship step. I want to start out with a genuine friendship and then let it blossom.
I don't NEED a relationship right now, but of course I have natural girl desires, much of them strong physical desires, so how do I get this to stop bothering me?
I'm also 21 and very, very inexperienced. Am I closed-minded? Do I need to make myself uncomfortable and do things that are unnatural for the sake of "putting myself out there?"All I keep hearing is that I need to "put myself out there" but at the same time to not "do things that make me feel uncomfortable." Well, dates and kissing with distant aquaintances make me uncomfortable. So, which way to I go?
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all the romantic things you think are cheesy,well they are just bullshit.the friends stuff i agree,ive had a thing for all of my guy friends,feeling uncomfortable o. dates,probably because its not the right person,but even if hes cool sitting in some restaurant or something isnt that good for a first date,go to a park or something,its much better,somehow makes you feel not so uncomfortable,you seem loke a very cool person to me,ull find someone :)
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I certainly think you are being a bit closed minded, but you are also definitely being a defeatist. Your approach almost guarantees failure and a near inability to meet new people. That doesn't mean you need to put yourself in situations that make your uncomfortable, but for goodness sakes, start looking for solutions rather than problems.
First step: Get off your damn high horse about dates. You've defined a 'date' as "a thing I don't like" instead of looking for ways to socialize with new people you do enjoy.
Here's what a first 'date' is to me:
First off, I avoid using the word date with a guy until I know I at least want to see him a few times.
When I ask a guy to hang out with me one on one (and yes, with new people it's not fair to demand they hang out with all your friends, imagine how uncomfortable you'd be if a guy insisted you join him with all his friends!) So, I want a public place, where it's easy to go dutch, where we can talk easily, and only need to spend on hour or two together max.
Small art galleries work well, so do places that only serve dessert or volunteering at something mundane - that's always a good one. Spending hours on hours with a new person is uncomfortable! So choose a venue where you can spend 45mins, or 3 hours, but don't spend an afternoon with someone you just met, and don't go somewhere private. No one expects you to cuddle while you stuff bags at the food back.
These little outings only become dates in hindsight, when both people know that yes, they actually do want to date one another.
If you don't want to 'date' them, right away or at all, then tell em you'd like to be friends and invite along to group events.
Take some control over your dating life and start crafting 'dates' you can enjoy with new people, 'cause only dating long-term male friends isn't going to give you a very large pool and will probably get pretty complicated in the long run too.
If you want to start by 'making a new friend' than start that way! No one is saying you can't, but for your own sake at least 'put yourself out there' to make new male friends. Ditch the ones you don't want to have anything to do with. Invite the ones you think are cool to hang out with your friends. Be honest and upfront about not wanting to jump into a relationship.
Don't use "I'm not comfortable" as an excuse not to take risks and actually figuring out what works for you.
Don't tell yourself you've got what works for you all figured out already and sit back and wait for Mr Right to show up, build a friendship, be available, and ask you out. That doesn't happen for many people. Relationships, of all kinds, take work from both parties to find and to nurture.
There are cool people out there. There are cool guys out there who would just like to meet some cool girls and are okay if it doesn't develop into anything more than a friendship, but you aren't going to realize that those people exist, and are having the kinds of 'friend dates' you want to have, until you look for them and learn to spot them.
Yes - this will mean hanging out with some assholes too. But each asshole is one asshole less, and makes you better at spotting the non-assholes. Dating is a 'learn by doing' activity. If you don't let yourself learn, you'll never learn!
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You should obviously go with what you are comfortable with. It actually makes perfect sense to me. I'm the same way. It's very natural for feelings to develop from friends because you know them and you feel comfortable around them. If you feel like you need someone in your life, simply make more friends and just get to know people in a friendly environment before taking it further. Honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
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