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Boyfriend being defensive. why?
hi, we have been dating for 3 years and he's a single father to his 5 year old girl with his ex girlfriend. we love each other and we've been living together for more than a year. but whenever i mention his ex or daughter he gets really defensive and makes me feel like i'm an outsider. for example if i say that is expensive to give a 5 year old and he would go and blunt,''so what.'' or if i tell his daughter being brat and he wouldn't like it. maybe because he's in late 40's or i don't know. i mean why would someone make a girlfriend feel like and outsider and always defensive when his kid and ex r mentioned? he says he can't stand his ex but for the sake of his kid he needs to stay in contact with her. help guys. thanks
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You are an outsider.
I'm not saying your boyfriend is doing the right thing - maybe he isn't - we'll get to that in a second, but you are an outsider when it comes to his child and his ex, and you always will be to some extent.
And there are some great things about being an outsider! But there are also some downsides.
The downside is that you don't get a say in what money is spent on the child, or how the child is disciplined.
If you are living together, and share finances, and he is blowing rent money on toys, then you have a right to speak up. If he simply spending more money on his child than you think is really necessary, keep it to yourself. You can suggest less expensive or more sentimental toys, but your judgement will not be appreciated.
If the child is behaving badly in your home, or when out with you and him, speak to him afterwards about what behavoir you found unpleasant and how you and he can manage that behavoir in the future. Don't call the child names like brat or use words like annoying. Don't stick yourself in the middle - instead, tell him you want to make sure all of you are having a good time when you are out together, and ask him how you can support him as a parent when the child misbehaves.
That's how you make yourself an appropriate, and respectful person in of this part of his life.
You are an outsider. You are not the child's mother. You aren't even his wife, or her step-mother yet. So you don't get a lot of say in much. He will always have a relationship with his ex and his child that is separate from the one he has with you. You will never be entitled to be involved in every faucet of either of those relationships.
What you can be is second pair of eyes for him as a parent. You can be another adult who loves his daughter and wants the best for her - but when you disagree with him about what is best, he gets the final word. Always.
If you stop pushing so hard for power and say over topics you don't actually have any power over, or say in, you'll probably find he gets less defensive and more willing to let you participate as a helper and a supporter.
Remember: Unless he is doing something epically stupid or dangerous, your role here is purely to support him as a parent. That means what he says, and what he decides when it comes to his child, is how is goes. If you disagree, disagree respectfully and without name-calling or insults, after the child has gone back to their mom.
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Well, you might feel a little weird about how defensive he gets ; but that is his daughter. Since you are only a girl friend and not a wife or fiance he might feel that you have no right to say that she is a "brat". This man probably feels that he owes his daughter the world because the little girl's mother and him are no longer together... Understand how he might feel. He may still love his ex? Be careful! Hope this helped!
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