A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Warning! I'm an awful speller.
I took my last final as a junior in highschool yesterday. My boyfriend, of almost a year, takes his last final as a senior June 4th. In mid-august he ships out for the navy.
Being 17 year old girl, and lacking in the category of life experiences, I believe myself to be as deeply in love as I possibly can be at this stage in my life. Paul is no where close to perfect, but he's perfect for me. He pisses me off by working to much, disappoints me by missing my performances due to work etc. etc....but the fact that he can make me so intensly mad and I can still feel love for him unconditionally only shows me how much I truely do care for him. I've never even yelled at him, because the stupid stuff he does doesn't matter in the long run.
Heres the whole point of this, him leaving for the navy others me mainly for three different reasons:
A) He didn't ask me first. He just registered. I would never stand in his way, but the fact that he didn't even ask my opinion...it hurt. It really hurt. He's the one always saying he wants to be with me for as long as he possibly can be. I didn't force those words out of him. How can you say that, and then make a life altering decision without consulting the other person its going to effect?
B) He'll be gone for up to 8 months at a time, and we'll be able to communicate maybe monce a week. I love him anto d I want to make this work. But is one email or phone call a week enough to fuel a relationship?
C) During the next four years so much could happen to our country, what if he actually had to go to battle? I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him.
Any words of advice? (link)
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Ok. I'm going to do the specifics first. Then... well whatever happens, happens. Its 7:31 AM, I should be asleep. Adjust expectations accordingly.
a) Talk to him before you blow up. Guys can sometimes be oblivious. Most... no, not most, some guys don't intuitively get that part of being in a serious relationship is giving your partner input on important life altering events and decisions.
It doesn't mean he'll have a problem with it. He might well just not have thought to say anything, and talking will add that to his radar.
If he does, in blunt terms, you might want to rethink this.
I've kind of got a question. Do you guys talk about what you both want openly? I don't know, I can almost picture you thinking about forever and him thinking about dinner.
You need to make sure you're still working on common interests.
Also, I keep re-reading this...
You just might still be in the honeymoon phase.
It is physically, mentally, temporally impossible to like someone every second of every day for an unending length of time. It is not possible.
I've been with my girlfriend for more than 4 years. I'm going to marry her someday. I want to throw her off the tallest building in the area at least once a week. I'm not kidding about that. She drives me utterly fucking insane.
Anyway, the point here, is that if you've never yelled at him, your relationship hasn't been tested yet. The new shine is still there somehow, its not till that luster clears that you can see if theres something deep underneath it.
I cannot judge this relationship worth investing in. Not from what I've seen here. If you'd like to ammend your question or send a feedback with a response (or another question. You know, whatever.) go ahead.
I don't doubt that you love him, but you don't love him all inclusive because you're still glossing over the sticky bits. At this stage in the relationship, I can't tell you that at 17 you should tie yourself to a guy in the Navy.
And he's 18? He will cheat. My best friend is a Navy Vet. Navy Ships have a shore date. That is the date when sailors are no longer allowed to have sex with women during shore leave so that they have enough time for penicillin to get the bugs out before they get home to the wives.
Part of me wishes I were joking about that (the other thinks its fucking hilarious. I'm a pig, sorry)
Its not meant to be. And I promise, you will have plenty of opportunities in the future. You've got very grounded ideas about relationships, you'll find your way into something of your liking in the future.
I apologize for the random slightly rambling way I arrived at my reply (Its 7:53 now), but I think I got there alright in the end.
You're young. I know that sounds trite. Its not some far off objective idea, its your life and your relationships. It hurts. But you will survive it, you'll be ok, and you'll love again.
Knowing that, to me, is a comfort. Helps you appreciate the good times and stand the bad.
Oh. Final Note.
You have some good instincts. "I would never stand in his way, but the fact that he didn't ask my opinion hurts" is not something I would expect from a 17 year old.
You want a specific kind of relationship. My girl and I most commonly use "partners". A lover and a friend, someone whom you tell everything, trust implicitly, etc etc.
You need to look for guys who want the same. Its not a desire you can put into a person, its there or it isn't.
The only exception, is age. It requires alot of maturity for guys to hit the point where they're looking for that too. Its entirely possible that guys your age aren't going to really provide you with what you're looking for.
Be careful with older. The usual warnings about that apply, and for Gods sake don't fall for anyone over 25 until you can legally buy a drink.
If you just don't find anyone, don't be discouraged. It can take a while to find the right one. Takes sifting. You come across as intelligent, self aware, and emotionally stable. Go out, have a life, be yourself, and people will come knocking.
Again, sorry for long and rambling, its 8:04, enough of your questions devil woman!
Alochol, energy drinks, and sleep deprivation make a scary combination...
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I have heard all of the news about this Swine Flu going around and it really scares me. (I am, by the way, talking about the H1N1 flu, commonly referred to as Swine Influenza.) I heard something like Egypt had all of their pigs killed to prevent the Swine Flu from spreading so badly to their country. The Swine Flu sounds really scary, especially since it has spread to my city!
What is the Swine Flu exactly? Does anyone know yet or is it still being tested upon and sorted out? I have no idea how the Swine Flu has spread but I figure it was like any other flu virus, right?
So, how can I protect myself from getting the Swine Flu? I want to take all of the preventative measures if possible because I know the Swine Flu is deadly, right? (How many has the Swine Flu killed already anyway? Does anyone know?!)
Any information provided about the Swine Flu is greatly appreciated! THANK YOU! (link)
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Swine flu is a strain of influenza that is weaker (so far, based on reports of the infected) than regular influenza. I believe swine flu is being referred to as "influenza A"
There haven't been any lab studies that I've heard of released, but from what we've seen swine flu infected fewer people than regular flu, and was responsible for fewer deaths than regular flu.
Regular flu kills sometimes as many as 500 thousand people per year worldwide. Thats like 1400 a day who die of flu in the world. Plain old regular "take some theraflu and call in to work or school" flu. Swine flu has killed six or seven people total. Based on the World Health Organizations reports, during the entire swine flu scare only 6 people died who were diagnosed with it, and each of them had serious underlying conditions like congenital heart failure.
During that same time, over 15 thousand people had deaths where influenza (non swine flu) was a cause or related cause.
So, don't worry about it. Wash your hands in public, do what you normally do, and ignore the fear mongering.
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My name is Miranda and i am 16 years old and in 11th grade and i am currently taking some college classes to get ahead. My younger sister skipped my current teachers class alot and i am pretty sure my teacher hates me for it. Because lately everytime i ask for help she just ignores me and moves on to the next lesson and also every paper i type she gives me a zero because she says i plagerized it or that the websites i used don't exist. i am to my breaking point and if i fail the class i will get black listed and not be able to get into any college. I need advice on what to do. HELP ME PLEASE. (link)
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Do not talk to her about it.
Talk to your parents, gather as much evidence as you can, and immediately speak to a school administrator.
If you've been accused of plagiarizing without proof, thats a serious breach of her responsibilities as a teacher. Copying schoolwork is supposed to be something school administrators are notified about, and I'd bet anything she hasn't told a soul.
Make a huge stink. Parents first, they have alot more weight than you do. After that, it needs to go to a principal. Stress that you've been accused of plagiarizing work with no evidence and now followup, and that you think you're being screwed for some reason you cannot fathom because your teacher is not following procedure, just making excuses to fail you.
She could (and should) lose her job over this. When you speak to the principal, ask them how you get in contact with the school board, and how you could appear before them to testify on corrupt and biased teaching practices, and ask the principal what rules govern academic dishonesty, ask the principal what the teacher is supposed to do in cases of repeated academic dishonesty, and point to the fact that the teacher hasn't done any of it because you aren't cheating, she just wants to give you zeros and is hoping you just quietly let her fail you.
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This is gonna sound like a stupid question, but do guys really care about how much a girl weighs? i'm definiely not the skinniest person but i think i am really pretty. im also a really nice person, with a great sense of humor. but im 21 years old, and ive never had a boyfriend. so do guys really only care about looks? (link)
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In the real world looks matter.
That is a truth that no amount of "But if you're nice and funny and caring it shouldn't matter" talk can erase or undo.
Now, in your case, without specific physical descriptions, pictures (which I don't advise posting on an anonymous forum) or something else to give us an accurate idea, we can't tell if thats your specific problem.
Being overweight isn't fun. I am a regular gym patron because my body tends to store rather than burn, and I will never in my life (even if I dedicated my life to it, I think) be a chiseled masterpiece.
But I keep the belly down and try to make sure that I have pectoral muscles instead of man-tits.
But I also feel better like this, both about myself, about my health, about everything. Does it suck for me that I have to work for something some people get genetically for free? Yeah.
But then, there are skinny guys out there who will never manage to have my arms and chest, no matter how much working out they do.
Everyone's got problems. Work to fix them as best you can. As far as why guys don't ask you out, you need friends to help with that. Theres only so much good advice that can be offered by people who don't know you in real life.
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Okay! Im 14 and my Question is Why are parents so over protecting Girls but not boys? I mean of course Im going to like boys. I can't help that. (link)
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Because adults understand something that kids your age do not.
When kids are young, they have not developed a true sense of self. At 14, you don't have firm ideas of whats right and wrong for you that you've worked out for yourself.
Parents exist to provide structure because kids haven't learned to create it for themselves, essentially.
At 14, you aren't experienced with dating. You don't know what to expect and how you'd deal with it. You have ideas, but you've never been put in those situations.
But for a girl, theres a specific situation they worry about. Namely, that a 14 year old girl can go out and have sex whenever she wants to. If you get a boyfriend, and offer to have sex, he's probably going to say yes.
Guys are like that. If we want something and are offered it, we aren't likely to say no. Its a logical process.
Thus, it ends up being on the girl. Its very, very rare that a girl wants to have sex and a guy wants to wait because he doesn't feel like its the right time.
Theres also a societal assumption that guys have to work for sex, so a guy is conditioned to jump at any chance they have. Its part of guy culture, if you go and tell your friends that a girl offered sex and you turned it down, your masculinity is in question. You can expect to hear "are you gay?" and such.
Its a huge double standard that is never the less a reality that parents have to deal with. Outside of religion, there aren't a ton of ways to stop a guy having sex when he decides he wants to, but girls will tend to be easier to brand with common sense.
Theres also the added thing of guys being able to take care of themselves. I'm 6'2, I passed 6' my freshman year in high school. My parents weren't worried about someone taking advantage of me, I've taken martial arts and I played football all four years.
Compare that to a girl who's 5'3 and/or less than 150 lbs. I can lift that much weight over my shoulder and jog with it. Think about that, and its pretty obvious why parents worry about girls more than boys.
The last reason, is older guys.
A 14 year old who has little dating experience will often feel overwhelmed at the idea of a 17 or 18 year old guy dating her. It makes women feel more mature, that a guy who is older is interested.
Truly, its because guys lag behind girls in the dating world from about 14 until about 25 maturity wise when compared to each other at the same age. So girls go older.
The thing is, that an older guy is older, and a single year is a ton of experience in high school.
At 18, I knew how to behave to attract women. I knew what girls around me wanted to see, and I showed it to them. I was very successful. I've always tended to date close to my age, but there was always a ton of interest.
I mean, think about it. If I'm 18 and I can behave in such a way that a girl who's 17 or 18 with equivalent experience to mine is attracted to me, I can sure as hell dazzle a 14 year old who has virtually no expectations of me except that I show her attention and affection.
But theres another side to it that makes it doubly unadvisable. The older a guy is, the more adult his concepts about relationships are going to be. A guy who is 18 who isn't a virgin is going to want sex sooner, not because thats all he wants, but just because he's past that hurdle, and for him its now a natural part of relationships.
A 14 year old isn't mature enough to be in the middle of that. Its an automatic pressure to have sex, unstated and yet always there. Its no one's fault, but it is definitely real, and its not something a 14 year old needs to be learning to deal with.
If you want to combat it, talk to your parents. Ask them why, don't get mad at answers, and talk with them about what scares them. If you want to date, and they aren't letting you, ask them why. Talk to them about it, and let them lecture you.
It will be alot easier to deal with your parents if you can talk to them about what it is they want to avoid. You can ask them what you can do that doesn't scare them, or how you can make things easier and safer all around.
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almost 2 weeks ago my boyfriend was doing a motorcross race and he fell of the bike 75 feet off the ground and broke his rib and lost all of his memory. we had been going out for 20 months before this happened. so now i'm dealing with his new personality and he doesn't like me or love me as a girlfriend and he's fallen for someone else the girl that helps him try to remeber his life. and she has a girlfriend. i didn't think he wants to be with me so i told him he could date her and he was soo happy and im soo upset because i really love him and i feel like he never gave me a chance to see how i can be and its like he doesnt care that i love him so much and i know that i shouldnt have letl him go but i wanted him to be happy and the only way he'll be happy is if he has her. so what do i do. should i fight for him or should i not get in the way of his happiness (his doctor said he could have his memory gone for weeks months or years) (link)
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Let him go his own way. He is not the person you knew, and even if his memory comes back this will be a severely life altering event. If he remember, and comes back, the balls in your court. For right now, move on with the rest of your life. If you want to wait, wait. But don't grow old waiting for his memory to come back.
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i want to have sex and i'm not old enough.... why do i want to... whats wrong with me?? (link)
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Ahh sexual drives.
As you've read in my seven predecessors, you're dealing with hormones. A lovely word that doesn't really tell you shit about whats going on with you.
What "You've got hormones" means is that your body is basically test firing its hormone production parts. Hormones are chemicals that, when released, have the lovely effect of making you horny.
The beginning of puberty is the first time these parts start acting their part for sexual desire. They produce hormones sporadically, and everyone finds themselves in a situation now and then when they're horny at a completely random or inappropriate time.
Its not something thats wrong with you, its in fact part of everyone's physical and mental development.
The bad news is, given that you're probably under 15 you've got a few years of dealing with this to go.
The good news is, when puberty is over you level off and generally being horny has a cause.
Google "how to masturbate" or something similar for a healthy outlet.
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I'm 33. My gf is 28. My girlfriend and I have been talking about marriage, and invitations to the wedding came up. She wants to invite a couple she had a three-way with. It was a one time thing, they are friends today, and she works with wife of this couple. Here's the kicker. She is the godmother to their child, and they are still good friends and have a "family" like relationship because of the said godchild. I have put my foot down and have said no to having them at the wedding. I just can't imagine having an ex-lover at the wedding, even though they just did it once. I really just couldn't stand having the guy there, saying something like, "ha, I tapped that." I know, it sounds stupid, but its the truth. Am I being unreasonable or is my objection understandable? (link)
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Alright.
First, you're being insecure. I completely understand your reasoning, but its reasoning based in possessiveness.
Dude, she's marrying you, and its a couple. This should not make you uncomfortable. Her past is past, and especially if she is the God child to their kid, this isn't "Ex Lover" its a couple that she's dear friends with.
I will admit, in fairness, that I would not personally be troubled by this. On the contrary, I'd want to meet the couple, and as my partner's sexual pasts don't trouble me past a clean bill of health, to me they would just be another set of friends she had.
In the meantime, I'm going to seed this idea.
Your future wife likes girls. This is a good thing. If you find yourself in a trusting relationship, its a _really_ good thing.
Keep it in mind for the future. For now, you're getting married. Married. She's yours, don't sweat the past and don't let it ruin the present. Meet her friends without prejudice, show her that you trust her, you know she's yours, and that thats all that really matters to you.
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My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years. Recently she developed a friendship with a man at work. They became really close and while I was away for work, he came over to say goodbye to her cause he was going away for work also, and things happened. There was no sex, but pretty close. After he left they were in contact for about a week online. She actually said she fell in love with him. I discovered this and confronted her. After a lot of conversation, we both wanted to work things out. She told him she couldn't talk to him anymore and we began to talk about ways to fix it. Now my question is, its been a couple of weeks and I have changed completely. I have told her coutless times how much I love her and many other things to show my affection. She hasn't at all. She still loves him, and this hurts. She says she wants to make it work, but she got caught. She didn't wake up and realize she made a mistake. What should I do? (link)
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This needs professional help. The soundest advice that can be given is couple's therapy.
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How do I tell my mom that I am a furry? (link)
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You will (well, we hope to god you will) grow out of being a furry.
Being a furry is not like being homosexual. Its not a lifestyle, or a biologically determined state of sexual attraction, its just a creepy group of people who felt the need to give themselves and their kink a label and then pretend that its somehow a lifestyle choice.
Do what every other person in the fucking world does, and keep your sexual bullshit in the bedroom and away from other people. No one wants to know.
If you respond and say its not sexual, that its just who you are, or something similar, the answer remains the same. No one wants to know, your parents have enough on their minds without learning the exact degree of creepy their child thinks is normal and desirable.
The furry closet? Do you want to wear cat ears and a foxtail to school to embody your wolf persona? Seriously kid, theres something wrong with you. You really shouldn't indulge it.
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Ok, this is a little odd to be posting, but I would like opinions and don't really have people I trust to ask without it causing extreme weirdness. Just a warning: it may get long and rambling. I have a lot of thoughts regarding this, and they get jumbled up.
I've been married 10 years (I'm 30/female). At the start of our relationship, he was very open about sex. We enjoyed playing with other people (spanking, teasing, toys, but not intercourse), but that changed over time. It seemed gradual at first. We didn't involve others, but we still had our games. Now, that has pretty much disappeared (unless you count a swat here and there). I miss it. I miss the involvement with others, the sexual sociability. I've met a couple people who swing, and I would really enjoy that. My husband and I love each other very much and have a lot of trust for each other. The adventure and fun just have gone away.
I try to talk to him about it, but it always feels weird, like it may be uncomfortable for him. But it could just be me feeling weird bringing it up after all this time. How can I talk to him about it and rekindle his interest? There is a local swing club I would like to go to so we can mingle with other couples and see how the lifestyle works for them, see if it is really right for us. If I could get him to go with me, that would be great. But he just isn't a club kind of person, swing or otherwise.
I am also afraid that he will think I want this because he isn't enough. That isn't it. I'm just an outgoing woman who enjoys variety, and I want to share it with him.
Sometimes, it occurs to me that I may never convince him to even consider it. Really, if he considers it, we check it out, and he doesn't feel comfortable, that is fine with me. I'd just like him to know that it is something I want to explore, and to know he'd consider it for me. When I think that he won't even do that, I start thinking about seeking out experiences on my own. I don't want to sneak around. His involvement is important. I just don't know how to tell him without it being weird.
And it isn't that I need more sex. It is about experiences. I think he would benefit as well. And I love the thought of him with another woman with my consent. I don't know why. I just do.
So, how can I tell him that I want this? What can I do to encourage him to just go with me to this club one time and see how it works for other people?
It would seem I could just say all I put here, but I can't. I can't seem to figure out the right timing or words to let him know how I really feel about it. I feel like I haven't even expressed it right here and I come across as a needy slut or something. That really isn't it. It is just a part of our life that I miss, want back, and want to expand on.
How would you go about this?
(link)
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Without going into details, I can relate.
First, the rules. If you do not intend to enter directly into polyamory (plural relationships, not just sex with others) then you have to be very clear on boundaries, and very strictly adhere to them.
Self control is key, you mentioned seeking your own experiences, do not. In a committed relationship the relationship comes first. Your partner's needs come above your own.
I'll put it this way. If you find that you need this to be a part of your life, you need a partner who is compatible. If satisfying this is not worth leaving him, you shouldn't even consider cheating.
Besides, from what you said, it wouldn't be half as fun if he wasn't involved.
You need to talk to him about it. Its alright to be nervous, but you're married to the guy for christs sake. Just sit down and pull it out bit by bit. There really isn't a better way to bring this up.
Of course, the other thing you can do is play with his fantasies. Describe a few things you'd like to do with him, bringing another girl into it, that sort of thing. One of the best ways for partners to relate on something like this is to find aspects of a fantasy that appeal to both of them, and if you can get him talking about what he thinks, what about it turns him on, you can form some common ground.
Be willing for it to take a while. Especially with the idea of you and another guy, the vast majority of men are too possessive to not have a kneejerk bad reaction.
There are alot of adjustments to the relationship for something like this. The honesty and communication have to be there, and you've got to be willing to sit down and work things out, because I guarantee that this will make waves. Anything you add to a relationship does.
There are some things you'll have to watch for along the way if you do start bringing others into bed with you.
- Make time to reconnect, just the two of you, after you do anything with others. Its important for that bond to be felt, and that at the end of the night neither of you feels neglected.
- Speak up. Resentment builds quickly and the rifts it tears can take a ton of time to heal. Problems must be brought up directly and dealt with directly.
- Veto power is absolute. Either of you has the right to tell the other person "no" at any time, for any reason. If someone isn't OK, you stop. This means in the middle of sex, or on the way to someone's house.
- Guidelines and comfort zones need to be discussed ahead of time. You both need to know what each other wants to happen, what each other don't want to happen, and you need to have rules for yourselves.
Example situation. The two of you and a couple become very comfortable, theres regular playing together. One day your boyfriend gets a call, the couple wants to come over and play, and you're stuck somewhere. You say alright, and you get home that night after they've left.
You're horny, he's too tired to move, and resentment sets in.
Do you want the above to be OK, or does it always have to be both of you? Do you want to be notified if someone is over when you aren't there? Approach everything about it as a couple. If either of you can't, then its probably not something you should explore.
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I’m 24/f, met this guy online, and thought we really hit it off. Dating pretty often for a few weeks, texted almost every day. Things seemed to be going well. Then he got swamped with work and the contact sort of stopped. I wasn’t worried at first, but the second week of me texting him, and getting a really short long-delayed reply without any mention of meeting or missing me or anything like that made me pretty gloomy, so I texted him and asked him if he was interested in seeing me again, because I was getting the impression he wasn’t.
No response to that for over 24 hours, so I called him and left a message where I told him I didn’t want to jump to assumptions, but I was pretty sure that I wasn’t going to hear from him again, which was sad. I told him I hoped he was okay and wished him good luck...
So my questions are... Was what I did right? I’m really disappointed, but I can’t imagine a good explanation for his silence and I don’t think I over-reacted. I think I was rational and honest, but I’d like a guy’s perspective. (link)
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Two weeks of almost no contact is purposeful. He's a dick, I generally hate people who hide from a situation they helped create and wait for it to fizzle out.
As a guy, I can tell you that if I like a girl, she's on my mind. If I don't like a girl I don't keep things going to make sure, I make a decision and end it.
Thats pretty close to what he seems to have done. Either he's a self absorbed dick, and just expected you to be there when he's done, or he's a self absorbed dick, and he is waiting for you to leave him alone.
I don't have enough info here to offer much else, but from your description you're better off.
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hello, im 15 f, and im cuban.
my boyfriend is 18 black and mexican.
heres the thing, my parents just recently found out that me and him are dating, and they fliped out. they say im nasty for liking a black guy, and that im only putting myself down and that im too pretty and light skined for him and etc.. i really dont know what to do cause i like him alot and i dont want to loose him over something so dumb like his skin color. and he isnt even that dark! hes like chris brown dark. and he dresses very nice, and is a good kid. i have to talk to my parents today. how can i convince them to let me be with him? oh and my dad was saying things like what would people think? and how it looks bad for someone whos white to be with someone whos black. (link)
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DO NOT bring the boyfriend over.
This is actually a relatively common racial prejudice. Part of it is a shit ton of history. Intense anti-African American prejudice is pretty common in Latin-American or Hispanic descending cultures, specifically in places like Cuba, Mexico, Puerto Rico, etc. In the past, general Spanish culture considered itself white, the average Spanish person is alot lighter than the average Cuban or Mexican. All pale cultures have regarded being more pale as a sign of breeding at some point. More white was beautiful, less was less desirable. Black, being not white at all, was stigmatized.
Anyway, the point of all this is that your culture takes some of its roots from theirs, and so you took some of their prejudices. And your parents grew up in a time when racial prejudice was alot more accepted and normal.
The other part is of course mainstream black culture in America, which _is_ completely backwards. Parents naturally react to the idea of their daughters dating guys who might be influenced by wannabe "gangsta" bullshit.
The bottom line here, is that your parents have been conditioned over time to dislike anyone of dark skin, and have enough evidence in every day life to point at to reaffirm their stereotypes, and no amount of "But he's not a dumbass, he's just a normal guy who likes me" isn't going to penetrate even a millimeter.
See him. Keep him and your parents from crossing paths as much as possible. Tell your parents that you are going to date who you like, and that if they can't respect and trust your judgement enough to realize that the guy is worth something, you just don't want to hear from them about it.
If they can get over it, you'll talk. If they can't get over it, offering them a path of avoidance of the issue will probably work better than anything else I can think of.
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Right. So I have this guy friend who's basically only sexually attracted to me. I mean he's cool and all and we're friends but he'll talk about how he wants to have sex with me and stuff. I've told him I'm not dating people right now because I'm just taking a break to focus on the more important aspects of my life. He knows I won't date him but we're really close so he invited me to this date thing the football players are having. They're projecting a movie onto the side of our school or something and it's supposed to be really cool and all the football players are gonna be there... well he asked me and I kinda want to go because I like meeting new people and I've been a hermit lately because of all our end of school testing and my needing to study. So it'd be a break from that and I think it'd be fun. However, I'm afraid if I go there, two things could possibly happen;
1) I could be leading this guy on because he thinks it'll be a date
2) The other guys wont talk to me because the guy that i'm going with will probably brag about bringing me or something and tell them that I like him :/ which I don't... and I really just want to go to meet some new people...
So... do yo think I should go or not? I don't want to lead this guy on but I want to meet other guys :) thanks in advance! (link)
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Guys are stupid.
Not dumb, not slightly retarded, guys are absolutely effing STUPID when it comes to hoping after girls.
I'm a guy, and yes, when it comes to hoping after girls, I too am fucking stupid.
If you give us hope, we will chase it beyond the ends of the earth. Going to a "date" function will give him hope, even if it can't be said to be leading him on. You can be as clear as you want, and he'll tell himself you're lying to _yourself_ and that you're really interested.
I would be completely honest with him. Tell him that you want to go, but you don't want to go "with him" and would be wanting to meet new guys. Tell him that you don't want to make him uncomfortable, and if he'd prefer you won't go, but if he's OK with you going then you really could just show up.
I played football in high school. Any girl who felt like showing up was welcomed to our parties with open arms, especially if they had a genuine interest in meeting new people and were friendly and social butterfly-ish. If he isn't going to be a problem, you could just show up.
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are u allowed to move out at 17 or do u have to have parents permission before you can go....?
cause mine probably wont give me permission
am i allowed to just leave? (link)
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Depends on your state. Google "Moving out at 17" plus your state's name, and you'll find out. I know that in Texas a minor can choose to leave his parents house at 17 and can choose to move out against his (or her) parents will into another home of like a family member earlier than that, maybe 16.
Theres alot of court processing involved in the second, but at 17 you can walk out the front door here and legally your parents can't do anything about it (though, they can't keep you from coming back until 18)
Some states its 17, some its 18. Google will know for sure.
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ok, so heres the rundown.. me and my girlfriend of almost a year, ill go ahead give names and ages.. (as bad as that sounds.) shelby-14 and daniel-16 (me) i konw you want to quickly judge us based on age, but we love eachother.. we do. as much as i do love "getting some" that is not why im with her. im with her because i love her, we laugh, cry, joke, and we sometimes argue a bit. anyways, we had sex, in a public bathroom, and well... her mom found out. she knows we used pretection.. but.. she wants to not let us see eachother.. i mean.. i went to cozumels for cinco de mayo (cozumels is a mexican resturant) and her family was there... they saw me and they immidiately left... (they didnt order yet).. because of me... i mean.. i have to see her. i will wait the full 4 years if i have to.. but i cannot allow that to happen.. we will both spend 4 years of misery.. and i wound like to intervene... somehow.. i sent her mom a long txt.. nothing too personal, just telling her about me loving her, and that i want a long realationship with her... didnt work. needless to say i only sent 1 txt.. i mean, i dont wanna harrass anyone.. anyways.. help plz?.. just any suggestions im up for.. (link)
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::Edit::
Serious apologies for the length, I got a bit carried away. Sleep deprivation is wonderful, isn't it?
Don't do energy drinks kids. Just say no.
::/Edit::
The balls really in your girlfriend's court. My advice to you is to stay out of it. Her mother isn't going to be won around by you now that you've fucked her 14 year old daughter. You are helpless in this situation. Accept it. As she appears to have responded to your question, I'll go ahead and send something her way. See that she reads it, will you?
Shelby. Welcome to the world of Adult behavior. Its a rocky start. Be prepared.
I'm not going to contest your decision to have sex, but your mother is. The first rule of living with parents who know you are sexually active is to refuse to argue about sex itself. It is an unwinnable argument, except that your parents kinda win by default, because in a battle of wills and opinions they have the hole card of authority.
The second rule is to have the self awareness to recognize that both you and your parents are wrong about what you are ready for as a person. You are going to err on the side of thinking you're ready, while they're going to err on the side of thinking you aren't.
The third rule, is that calling yourself an adult does not work, where as acting visibly like an adult works less than half the time. Be prepared for your mother to be intractable and unwilling to bend for a while.
Stay calm when you talk to your parents. Controlling yourself and not letting yourself descend into crying, anger, etc will make them take you alot more seriously when you speak to them.
Apologize for breaking their trust. Be understanding that you did something they don't believe you're ready for. Don't debate if you were, don't try to defend the decision. Above all, be somewhat gentle about the situation, because a mother adjusting to her daughter having sex at 14 in a public bathroom is a pretty big adjustment.
But also, be firm. Whom you date is your choice, and tell your parents that you are going to like whom you like, and that regardless of either of your bad judgment, that you like this guy and want to date him.
Offer a compromise. Tell them that you don't want to put them in situations they aren't comfortable with, but that their discomfort doesn't give them a right to dictate whom you interact with.
Ask them if, when they are ready to lift the punishment and the restrictions on their social life, they'd be willing to trade phone contact for face to face. You'll not seek him out outside the house if you still get to talk to him. Move up to going out with friends and having him be there, bring up the idea of him coming over for dinner and see how they react (not now, later, once they've gotten used to the idea that he isn't going away)
Its got to come from you, Shel. Your boyfriend isn't going to win your parents over, and if you want even the slightest chance in hell, you've got a long road ahead of you.
There are two things you can say to try to help you out. Though they might not get a favorable reaction at first, they will plant some badly needed ideas in your moms head.
First off "Just because I am not an adult, does not mean that I made a kids decision"
Finding an opening to insert that can bring up some interesting discussion.
Second, is to ask them point blank why you cannot see him. Make them justify it outright. They will almost certainly react with some anger, be prepared and weather the storm calmly. At some point, and while its not universal, I've seen every angry father I've known personally throw out the "and he corrupted/took advantage of my girl" line.
Heres where you look your parents in the eye and say something along the lines of "He did not take advantage of anything. You don't know him, I do. And while I can understand you thinking that neither of us is old enough to have made the choices we made, I resent the fact that you think I'm too young and stupid to know when I'm being taken advantage of"
This slams something home. When faced with parental disapproval, most people feel a sense of shame and remorse. Even if they believe they did right, its almost hardwired into all of us. They expect you to be embarassed that you were having sex, to feel like you did something fundamentally wrong.
When parents don't get that reaction, it stalls them. When they can't excuse you as a stupid 14 year old who thinks SHE made a mistake, when you confidently assert that whether right or wrong, it was YOUR decision, and not someone elses, it usually breaks them out of the mold a bit.
Because instead of protecting you from a predatory teen boy, they're thinking about YOU.
From this point, encourage them to talk to you. Be open, and tell them that you made a decision, and thats in the past, but if they think you made the wrong decision you're more than willing to listen to them. Bring them back from shock and anger to reason and calmness, and encourage them to talk to you about their concerns.
"I see this worries you, but I'm not you, I don't know whats going on in your head unless you tell me, so tell me what you're worried about" is a great line for this part. Adapt as necessary for your own use.
Its going to take time, and patience. And more than either of those, its going to take understanding on your part. They're scared shitless for you, when you get pissed, irritated, feel coddled and overprotected, remember that unlike your boyfriend there ARE guys out there who take advantage of girls like you, and your parents are going to ASSUME that of any boyfriend who has sex with you. Burden of proof is on you.
Get on birth control. Should be a no brainer. Bring up gynecology, tell them you know that you're supposed to go see a gyno once you start having sex and ask your mom if she can set an appointment. Bring birth control up in the gynos office. This will be another sign to your parents that you're acting like an adult about all of this.
Lastly, don't get fucking caught again. Don't be stupid. Sex is part of your private life for a reason, and while I did plenty of stupid shit when I was your age, I managed to keep it from my parents. Its not impossible, you just need to use common sense, and be willing to zip up your pants sometimes and go without.
Thats part of being an adult.
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I have been living with my boyfriend for 5 years now. He is 41 and I am 24; we have overcome a lot of obstacles and personality conflicts, but most of all was his alcoholism. His drinking has been a problem in the past; he used to humiliate me in front of his kids and call me names and kick me out of 'his' house; but the last couple of years it has mellowed out to just an annoyance. He no longer triesd to kick me out of the house; and he doesnt talk shit about me to his kids nearly as much when hesdrunk - but, i confess, it still does happen occassionaly. Despite all of that, I am still here, in a house with BOTH of our names on the lease; and we are now engaged and we would have celebrated our 5th anniversary together 2 days ago. Trouble is, he never came home on our anniversary. He knew I had plans for us to go out to dinner and that I was home waiting for him with a gift. After worrying all evening, night, and the next morning; I finally got a hold of him. His excuse was that he got drunk, swore to me there was NO other woman around, and that he crashed at his daughters house. The next day he went away for the weekend on a job 300 miles away. He apologized profusly over the phone and told me he feels horrible for putting me through that heartache and that I deserve so much better than him; but that he wants to make it up to me. He promised to talk to me the next day in more detail; but failed to call me. When I finally got a hold of him, he was telling me he is 'done' and I need to move on because he will never change. After a couple minutes of hearing this, he switched to saying he wanted to talk to me when he got home about it and that he did love me; and that he would call me later that night before he went to bed. Now he is out with his work buddies at a bar (he left his cell phone with his son who told me) after telling me he would call before bed. It is 1AM and he still hasnt called. His actions and his words arent matching and I am so confused. I love this man with all my heart,I have made him my whole world, but I dont think I deserve all these lies and deceptions. Especially since everything seemed normal up until our anniversary. I dont know if I have the strength to leave him; but I dont think I can accept this behavior any longer. I haven't even had time to react properly. Ive just been crying wondering what I did wrong or what I could do to get things back to normal. I think after 5 years, this relationship is worth saving; but why would he get so destructive and then constantly start lying to me and breaking my heart? I really dont think he was cheating, I believe he would just tell me he was so the breakup would me easier. But I cant be positive. But I jsut dont understand or even know what to do! I dont want to become the psycho girlfriend who keeps calling every 5 minutes; but waiting for him to come home to finally discuss this is killing me, and I feel like Im going crazy in the meantime. Does anyone have ANY advice on how to handle a self-destructive man??? What can I do to make everything go back to normal?? How do I find the strength to move on and start a whole new life after 5 years? (link)
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Jesus Fucking Christ girl...
Alright. First, and foremost, I'm barely older than you. I'm not done with college (not even close at this point, 6 years to go) and I work at a shit job living in a small town near my girlfriend's family so she can get school paid for.
If I'm telling you theres hope, theres hope. You're twenty fucking four. You're still near the bottom of the hill, and you're acting like you're over the hump. Probably your worthless boyfriend and his mid life crisis rubbing off on you. Theres a reason 41 year old guys date 24 year old girls, sweetheart.
Anyway, now that you've kicked yourself a little bit for the hopelessness (hopefully) you can start focusing on the truly important, glaring in your face fact.
Its time for you to start thinking about how you're going to separate from him. Emotionally and financially.
You've been an idiot for five years, welcome to your first moment of ephiphany. I'll pray for you, that you don't do as you've done for five years already and justify him and his behavior.
You are in an abusive relationship. He controls the relationship because he can, because you aren't acting your age, and because his alcoholism and emotional issues are something he uses to appeal to your mothering instinct. He uses this to generate pity, which keeps you coming back for more.
Theres no such thing as "the strength to leave him". Humans are adaptable by nature. If you make your decision, pick up one foot at a time, and move on through it, you'll recover.
I love "how do I get things back to normal"
He insults you in front of his children. "His daughters house"? Are they adult children? Is he dating a girl within 6 years of his kids age?
You've spent years deluding yourself that when hes happy, that thats "Normal" and when he's unhappy, its somehow an exception to normal, and that if you or he figure out how you can manage to get normal back.
Abusive is normal in this relationship. Emotional manipulation is normal in this relationship. Throwing tantrums where he makes you feel insecure in the relationship without saying he doesn't want you are normal.
How have you not seen that? When he says "I'm not good enough" he wants you to say "Yes, you are". I'm sure he does this when you nail him with something he actually fucked up with on a regular basis, he throws his "I'm not good enough tantrum" and instead of holding him accountable he manipulates you into "but I love him SO MUCH" mode, and you drop what got brought up because now you've made up and he wants to be with you and isn't everything lovely now?
And your fifteen seconds of "normal" convince you that somehow this relationship in a tailspin can be stabilized.
Heres another random metaphor. Your relationship is like a passenger plane nosediving towards an eventual smoking crater. You are bouncing around inside the plane, getting smacked by luggage, seats, and the walls of the cabin. Occasionally during the descent, your momentum and direction match the planes, and you hang there in space and it feels like your're flying.
Until his emotional baggage comes flying out of the racks again to smack you upside the head and knock him into another wall (or try to kick you out of the house)
Wake up. Save yourself. If you don't find the strength now, you'll have to later. It will be harder, and you'll have left a much larger chunk of yourself behind.
Or you won't leave him, and will be miserable for the rest of your life because you loved a 41 year old loser and feel guilty about leaving him alone.
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I know this sounds random but I have been thinking about sleeping with My boyfriend and he would be My first.
The thing is he has told Me he is also a virgin, but for some reason I can't quite believe him, I trust him about everything else but I just can't get My head around that he is a virgin, because he isn't the type of boy who appears to be and his mates are always going on about who they have recently slept with.
I really don't know what to believe.
Secondly if I was to sleep with him and he was a virgin, would he know what he was doing because I personally don't have a clue, I'm shy and easily embarrassed. I've been in a relationship with him for a while but still don't feel I know him that well.
Female - 17 (link)
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The virgin thing...
Wait until after you have sex, and ask him if he was really a virgin. Tell him you don't care if he lied, you're self concious too, you just want to know.
He might have lied. Its far, far, far more common for guys to lie about NOT being virgins than to claim to have never had sex falsely. It doesn't have to be a big deal.
Theres guys of all kinds in every group. I had four close guy friends (my "inner circle" that I saw every day) and of the five of us, four of us lost our virginities by 15 and the last not until just before or after he turned 18. 4/5 by 15 was relatively uncommon at my highschool though.
As to the second question, sex is a skill. Its learned, and you get better the more you have it. Another reason relationships are better than one night stands, you get more practice.
Anyway, let me give you some perspective on the whole "being good at sex" thing.
The first sex you have with someone you care about is always, ALWAYS the most awkward sex you will ever have. Maybe not the worst, there are worse things that can happen during sex than inexperience, but definitely the most awkward.
Lets say a guy is really experienced. Lets say he knows several different ways to stimulate each major erogenous zone on a woman, knows how to get a girl into the mood, and knows a few special tricks to make a girl sit up in surprise.
The first time you have sex, as a person as knowledgeable as the above, is like being blindfolded while throwing lawn darts, and being able to peek afterward to see where they landed.
Every girl's body is different, and while you'll have a better idea of what to try if you're experienced (thus shortening the learning curve) its still entirely possible you'll poke a girl (no pun intended) in a way she doesn't like or worse, that hurts, and completely kill the mood.
Even if you don't fuck up, its possible you won't figure out what she DOES like in time to make the most out of it. This goes for both sexes, I'm a guy though so I think of it from the guy's perspective.
What gets you through it, is the mutual understanding that its a learning experience. Talking about it before hand, going into it being ready to say "Ow, that hurts, try this" and keep the mood going in spite of awkward elbows and clumsy clothes. Be open to suggestions, and offer constructive criticism.
If you expect to _learn_ to be good at sex, instead of expecting to just _be_ good at sex, you'll have alot more fun (and probably end up being alot better at sex)
Final Note:
I'm not telling you to have sex or not to have sex. Besides that being your decision, you didn't give us enough information to really try to do it for you. You just told us that you think something because his friends talk about sex alot.
Not even that you know a bunch of girls they've slept with, just that they talk about it. Remember what I said earlier? Its alot more common for guys to exaggerate their numbers than to try to pretend there isn't a number.
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My aunt recently emailed me to ask me if I would pay her monthly house payment as she and her husband have had a difficult year financially. She works in a factory and her husband is a truck driver. Both have had their hours/pay cut due to the recent economy. However, they live in a rather nice home that they built 10 years ago, so I'm sure the house payments are quite high. Twenty years ago, she borrowed money from my mom and never paid it back. This has been a point of contention ever since. I have the money to help, and I know it's the right thing to do, but why do I feel as if I'll never see this money again? Should I give in and give her the money? (link)
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House payment? So we're talking at least a grand here, absolute bare minimum, probably more like 3-5k.
Hell no. Helping an obvious user is not "the right thing to do"
Lets cut through the bullshit, because theres really one simple question you need to ask.
Can you afford and do you want to make the sacrifice of whatever their house payment is as a gift?
Because thats what this is. If you set yourself on getting it back, make her sign a contract, all you're going to do is increase the resentment you feel when you get fucked over.
"I'm sure the house payments are quite high"
She hasn't even given you an amount? She's not approaching this like an adult who recognizes that she SHOULD be on her knees when asking something like this. She's acting like shes entitled, given your "this is the right thing to do" comment I'd guess its a common attitude in your family.
By that I mean no insult, merely that you guys seem to feel like family owes you help (a belief I do not share)
I do not think you should give in. High house payments? You don't owe her a spontaneous gift of thousands of dollars just because she's family.
But if you choose to give it, steel yourself to it being a one time gift, because if she chooses not to repay it, theres not really alot you can do besides extending the shit and family drama for another generation. Its not like you're going to be able to sell the debt to a debt collector. Set up payments, make her think its a loan, but steel yourself to drop it if it blows up into something you don't want to deal with.
I still recommend against it.
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i have 6, 2 month old plants. 24 hours light and they have recently been infected by spidermites. i sprayed the soil with scented dishsoap and water to kill the flies, the flies have been disapearing any tips ?
how do i tell the sex ? (link)
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Reported, this is not the forum for such questions and had you asked google you would have found it faster.
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