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My boyfriend is suddenly being extremely mean to me
I have been living with my boyfriend for 5 years now. He is 41 and I am 24; we have overcome a lot of obstacles and personality conflicts, but most of all was his alcoholism. His drinking has been a problem in the past; he used to humiliate me in front of his kids and call me names and kick me out of 'his' house; but the last couple of years it has mellowed out to just an annoyance. He no longer triesd to kick me out of the house; and he doesnt talk shit about me to his kids nearly as much when hesdrunk - but, i confess, it still does happen occassionaly. Despite all of that, I am still here, in a house with BOTH of our names on the lease; and we are now engaged and we would have celebrated our 5th anniversary together 2 days ago. Trouble is, he never came home on our anniversary. He knew I had plans for us to go out to dinner and that I was home waiting for him with a gift. After worrying all evening, night, and the next morning; I finally got a hold of him. His excuse was that he got drunk, swore to me there was NO other woman around, and that he crashed at his daughters house. The next day he went away for the weekend on a job 300 miles away. He apologized profusly over the phone and told me he feels horrible for putting me through that heartache and that I deserve so much better than him; but that he wants to make it up to me. He promised to talk to me the next day in more detail; but failed to call me. When I finally got a hold of him, he was telling me he is 'done' and I need to move on because he will never change. After a couple minutes of hearing this, he switched to saying he wanted to talk to me when he got home about it and that he did love me; and that he would call me later that night before he went to bed. Now he is out with his work buddies at a bar (he left his cell phone with his son who told me) after telling me he would call before bed. It is 1AM and he still hasnt called. His actions and his words arent matching and I am so confused. I love this man with all my heart,I have made him my whole world, but I dont think I deserve all these lies and deceptions. Especially since everything seemed normal up until our anniversary. I dont know if I have the strength to leave him; but I dont think I can accept this behavior any longer. I haven't even had time to react properly. Ive just been crying wondering what I did wrong or what I could do to get things back to normal. I think after 5 years, this relationship is worth saving; but why would he get so destructive and then constantly start lying to me and breaking my heart? I really dont think he was cheating, I believe he would just tell me he was so the breakup would me easier. But I cant be positive. But I jsut dont understand or even know what to do! I dont want to become the psycho girlfriend who keeps calling every 5 minutes; but waiting for him to come home to finally discuss this is killing me, and I feel like Im going crazy in the meantime. Does anyone have ANY advice on how to handle a self-destructive man??? What can I do to make everything go back to normal?? How do I find the strength to move on and start a whole new life after 5 years?
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Jesus Fucking Christ girl...
Alright. First, and foremost, I'm barely older than you. I'm not done with college (not even close at this point, 6 years to go) and I work at a shit job living in a small town near my girlfriend's family so she can get school paid for.
If I'm telling you theres hope, theres hope. You're twenty fucking four. You're still near the bottom of the hill, and you're acting like you're over the hump. Probably your worthless boyfriend and his mid life crisis rubbing off on you. Theres a reason 41 year old guys date 24 year old girls, sweetheart.
Anyway, now that you've kicked yourself a little bit for the hopelessness (hopefully) you can start focusing on the truly important, glaring in your face fact.
Its time for you to start thinking about how you're going to separate from him. Emotionally and financially.
You've been an idiot for five years, welcome to your first moment of ephiphany. I'll pray for you, that you don't do as you've done for five years already and justify him and his behavior.
You are in an abusive relationship. He controls the relationship because he can, because you aren't acting your age, and because his alcoholism and emotional issues are something he uses to appeal to your mothering instinct. He uses this to generate pity, which keeps you coming back for more.
Theres no such thing as "the strength to leave him". Humans are adaptable by nature. If you make your decision, pick up one foot at a time, and move on through it, you'll recover.
I love "how do I get things back to normal"
He insults you in front of his children. "His daughters house"? Are they adult children? Is he dating a girl within 6 years of his kids age?
You've spent years deluding yourself that when hes happy, that thats "Normal" and when he's unhappy, its somehow an exception to normal, and that if you or he figure out how you can manage to get normal back.
Abusive is normal in this relationship. Emotional manipulation is normal in this relationship. Throwing tantrums where he makes you feel insecure in the relationship without saying he doesn't want you are normal.
How have you not seen that? When he says "I'm not good enough" he wants you to say "Yes, you are". I'm sure he does this when you nail him with something he actually fucked up with on a regular basis, he throws his "I'm not good enough tantrum" and instead of holding him accountable he manipulates you into "but I love him SO MUCH" mode, and you drop what got brought up because now you've made up and he wants to be with you and isn't everything lovely now?
And your fifteen seconds of "normal" convince you that somehow this relationship in a tailspin can be stabilized.
Heres another random metaphor. Your relationship is like a passenger plane nosediving towards an eventual smoking crater. You are bouncing around inside the plane, getting smacked by luggage, seats, and the walls of the cabin. Occasionally during the descent, your momentum and direction match the planes, and you hang there in space and it feels like your're flying.
Until his emotional baggage comes flying out of the racks again to smack you upside the head and knock him into another wall (or try to kick you out of the house)
Wake up. Save yourself. If you don't find the strength now, you'll have to later. It will be harder, and you'll have left a much larger chunk of yourself behind.
Or you won't leave him, and will be miserable for the rest of your life because you loved a 41 year old loser and feel guilty about leaving him alone.
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At this point, with your age differences, you should be at completely different points in your lives. You should be getting out of school, getting a job, getting married, having kids, or whatever else you may want to do. You're still very young.
Your boyfriend should already have a steady job and be calming down. He already has kids that sound as though they're adults or almost adults.
A 17 year age difference is hard to overcome. I realize that you have been with this guy for five years, so it makes it extremely difficult. When you're in a relationship with someone for that long, you do make their life a part of yours.
I am going to be honest here and tell you that it is time for you to move on. This relationship is not healthy at all. It is not fair for you to have to keep checking up on him while he goes out drinking with friends.
You're the 24 year old. He's the 41 year old. He should be way way way more mature than that at this point.
He is an alcoholic. Nothing is going to change if he doesn't get help. The only change in your relationship will be the downward spiral that it has been from the start.
He humiliated you in front of his kids and threatened to kick you out of the house at the beginning of your relationship. How is this sudden in any way? He's never been nice. He's not suddenly being mean. He's been mean from the start, even if he did mellow out for a while.
At your age, you should not be tied down in a relationship with someone like that. You need to leave this man as soon as you can. It's not going to be easy, but he is not your responsibility. You should be with someone that is starting their life as an independent adult, like you. Not someone that is in their middle age and an alcoholic and a liar and a mental abuser and a complete jerk.
He's only going to hold you down, and you will regret staying with him until the day you die if you don't get out while you can.
This relationship is not going to get better on its own. It will only get worse and worse and worse.
This is your decision to make, but I think you know what the right choice is.
-Darby.
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This man is not suddenly being mean to you, he is suddenly being mean-er, and he is trying to get rid of you.
He doesn't have the balls to actually end this relationship, and he is probably aware that a young woman who would put up with his shit would be hard to find, so dumping you would be hard, he is trying to make you do the dirty work.
I doubt you’ve done too much wrong, and why would you want things to go back to normal anyways? Normal was his only sometimes insulting you in front of his family. Normal was him at least respecting you enough to not try to kick you out. What you had accepted as ‘normal’ sucks ass. What you accepted as normal was abusive, frightening and cruel behaviour.
You are 24 years old. You are not ‘starting over’ again. You are doing what many people do at your age: You are going to move out and learn to live on your own. It’s terrifying and overwhelming, but you are certainly ready for it and capable of it. You’ve got little to lose, and everything to gain by moving on.
Leave him. Please.
Don’t listen to anything more he has to say. His words are cruel, and his actions are worse. He either wants you to leave him, or he thinks you are so weak and desperate you’ll stay with him even as he treats you like crap. If it’s the first one, things will only get worse until he kicks you out, or you finally do leave. If it’s the second, he doesn’t love you. You are less to him than a pet.
Call a friend, a family member, called a hotline for abused women. Find someplace else to stay for a while. Don’t take his calls for a few days. Cry it out. Make a plan that doesn’t involve him. Make a plan for starting over, even if it’s just a temporary one. Only when you are feeling stronger about your options and plans should you speak to him again. Only then can you face his as an equal, and not as his victim.
As long as you stay, you are his willing victim. Leave.
Take that first step and your strength will start to grow.
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age difference is hard to get used to especially when he is in his fourties. it might just be a phase that he is going through i am not sure if it is in their fourties or older if men have midlife crisises.
the fact that he keeps you on the edge is never good, he should at least do what he say's he is going to do. i think he is right, he isn't worth it because no man is worth crying over unless he is about to die or is dead.
don't be the psycho girlfriend just do something different. like when he is out and say's he'll be home don't be home because it might mess with his mind a little saying what did i do to make her like this.
this is not your fault don't ever think that it is. it is his fault because he is doing this. if it really bothers you use force on him tell him something that would scare him enough to stay and listen to you.
the sad thing is you might have leave him, it is going to be tough but at least he isn't getting drunk and insulting you. moving on isn't easy either just stay with friends or parents or family. people that you know will help you cope with this heart break. then try getting back out there.
i hoped i helped you, good luck.
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