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Boyfriend Leaving for the Navy, advice please.
Warning! I'm an awful speller.
I took my last final as a junior in highschool yesterday. My boyfriend, of almost a year, takes his last final as a senior June 4th. In mid-august he ships out for the navy.
Being 17 year old girl, and lacking in the category of life experiences, I believe myself to be as deeply in love as I possibly can be at this stage in my life. Paul is no where close to perfect, but he's perfect for me. He pisses me off by working to much, disappoints me by missing my performances due to work etc. etc....but the fact that he can make me so intensly mad and I can still feel love for him unconditionally only shows me how much I truely do care for him. I've never even yelled at him, because the stupid stuff he does doesn't matter in the long run.
Heres the whole point of this, him leaving for the navy others me mainly for three different reasons:
A) He didn't ask me first. He just registered. I would never stand in his way, but the fact that he didn't even ask my opinion...it hurt. It really hurt. He's the one always saying he wants to be with me for as long as he possibly can be. I didn't force those words out of him. How can you say that, and then make a life altering decision without consulting the other person its going to effect?
B) He'll be gone for up to 8 months at a time, and we'll be able to communicate maybe monce a week. I love him anto d I want to make this work. But is one email or phone call a week enough to fuel a relationship?
C) During the next four years so much could happen to our country, what if he actually had to go to battle? I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him.
Any words of advice?
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Ok. I'm going to do the specifics first. Then... well whatever happens, happens. Its 7:31 AM, I should be asleep. Adjust expectations accordingly.
a) Talk to him before you blow up. Guys can sometimes be oblivious. Most... no, not most, some guys don't intuitively get that part of being in a serious relationship is giving your partner input on important life altering events and decisions.
It doesn't mean he'll have a problem with it. He might well just not have thought to say anything, and talking will add that to his radar.
If he does, in blunt terms, you might want to rethink this.
I've kind of got a question. Do you guys talk about what you both want openly? I don't know, I can almost picture you thinking about forever and him thinking about dinner.
You need to make sure you're still working on common interests.
Also, I keep re-reading this...
You just might still be in the honeymoon phase.
It is physically, mentally, temporally impossible to like someone every second of every day for an unending length of time. It is not possible.
I've been with my girlfriend for more than 4 years. I'm going to marry her someday. I want to throw her off the tallest building in the area at least once a week. I'm not kidding about that. She drives me utterly fucking insane.
Anyway, the point here, is that if you've never yelled at him, your relationship hasn't been tested yet. The new shine is still there somehow, its not till that luster clears that you can see if theres something deep underneath it.
I cannot judge this relationship worth investing in. Not from what I've seen here. If you'd like to ammend your question or send a feedback with a response (or another question. You know, whatever.) go ahead.
I don't doubt that you love him, but you don't love him all inclusive because you're still glossing over the sticky bits. At this stage in the relationship, I can't tell you that at 17 you should tie yourself to a guy in the Navy.
And he's 18? He will cheat. My best friend is a Navy Vet. Navy Ships have a shore date. That is the date when sailors are no longer allowed to have sex with women during shore leave so that they have enough time for penicillin to get the bugs out before they get home to the wives.
Part of me wishes I were joking about that (the other thinks its fucking hilarious. I'm a pig, sorry)
Its not meant to be. And I promise, you will have plenty of opportunities in the future. You've got very grounded ideas about relationships, you'll find your way into something of your liking in the future.
I apologize for the random slightly rambling way I arrived at my reply (Its 7:53 now), but I think I got there alright in the end.
You're young. I know that sounds trite. Its not some far off objective idea, its your life and your relationships. It hurts. But you will survive it, you'll be ok, and you'll love again.
Knowing that, to me, is a comfort. Helps you appreciate the good times and stand the bad.
Oh. Final Note.
You have some good instincts. "I would never stand in his way, but the fact that he didn't ask my opinion hurts" is not something I would expect from a 17 year old.
You want a specific kind of relationship. My girl and I most commonly use "partners". A lover and a friend, someone whom you tell everything, trust implicitly, etc etc.
You need to look for guys who want the same. Its not a desire you can put into a person, its there or it isn't.
The only exception, is age. It requires alot of maturity for guys to hit the point where they're looking for that too. Its entirely possible that guys your age aren't going to really provide you with what you're looking for.
Be careful with older. The usual warnings about that apply, and for Gods sake don't fall for anyone over 25 until you can legally buy a drink.
If you just don't find anyone, don't be discouraged. It can take a while to find the right one. Takes sifting. You come across as intelligent, self aware, and emotionally stable. Go out, have a life, be yourself, and people will come knocking.
Again, sorry for long and rambling, its 8:04, enough of your questions devil woman!
Alochol, energy drinks, and sleep deprivation make a scary combination...
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I understand how you feel. I dated a guy in the military once, but I dated him long after he joined. I know that you're upset that he didn't ask your opinion, but he doesn't really need your opinion on it. His heart was set on the joining the military. He is a man, and he does not need your permission nor your approval to do so. And for you to think that he does is silly. You are not his parents, and you are not him. He can do as he chooses. The only permission he needs is from his parents. They gave him permission, therefore your approval and opinion were not needed. This is his decision, not yours.
It may not be enough to fuel the relationship, but that is something you both determine. If you really love your boyfriend, this relationship can still work while he is away. You just both need to work at it. You also need to understand that even though you want to talk with him, it cannot always be done because his attention needs to be focused elsewhere. If you can understand that and come to terms with it, your relationship should be okay. However, if you want to be the center of attention always, and get mad when you are not, then the relationship cannot and will not continue. You need to think a lot about this. What are you willing to sacrifice? And what are you willing to contribute? If you don't know the answers to those questions, the relationship will not work out & will fizzle.
If he does have to go to battle (it is a possibility, and very much out of his control), you need to accept it. He cannot back out of being deployed. If they need his services, he must provide them. Turning against them and breaking free of the military will cause severe consequences such as a life sentence in prison, and probably never being able to live a normal life again. You cannot control if something happens to him, but the best you can do is support him. Be there for him when he needs you.
You guys really need to sit down and have a talk about this. Talk about where your relationship will go and what will become of it if a certain situation pops up. If there are things you don't know the answers to, I would re-evaluate everything.
For now though, support him. At this point, there is nothing you can do.
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