|
wanting to swing
Ok, this is a little odd to be posting, but I would like opinions and don't really have people I trust to ask without it causing extreme weirdness. Just a warning: it may get long and rambling. I have a lot of thoughts regarding this, and they get jumbled up.
I've been married 10 years (I'm 30/female). At the start of our relationship, he was very open about sex. We enjoyed playing with other people (spanking, teasing, toys, but not intercourse), but that changed over time. It seemed gradual at first. We didn't involve others, but we still had our games. Now, that has pretty much disappeared (unless you count a swat here and there). I miss it. I miss the involvement with others, the sexual sociability. I've met a couple people who swing, and I would really enjoy that. My husband and I love each other very much and have a lot of trust for each other. The adventure and fun just have gone away.
I try to talk to him about it, but it always feels weird, like it may be uncomfortable for him. But it could just be me feeling weird bringing it up after all this time. How can I talk to him about it and rekindle his interest? There is a local swing club I would like to go to so we can mingle with other couples and see how the lifestyle works for them, see if it is really right for us. If I could get him to go with me, that would be great. But he just isn't a club kind of person, swing or otherwise.
I am also afraid that he will think I want this because he isn't enough. That isn't it. I'm just an outgoing woman who enjoys variety, and I want to share it with him.
Sometimes, it occurs to me that I may never convince him to even consider it. Really, if he considers it, we check it out, and he doesn't feel comfortable, that is fine with me. I'd just like him to know that it is something I want to explore, and to know he'd consider it for me. When I think that he won't even do that, I start thinking about seeking out experiences on my own. I don't want to sneak around. His involvement is important. I just don't know how to tell him without it being weird.
And it isn't that I need more sex. It is about experiences. I think he would benefit as well. And I love the thought of him with another woman with my consent. I don't know why. I just do.
So, how can I tell him that I want this? What can I do to encourage him to just go with me to this club one time and see how it works for other people?
It would seem I could just say all I put here, but I can't. I can't seem to figure out the right timing or words to let him know how I really feel about it. I feel like I haven't even expressed it right here and I come across as a needy slut or something. That really isn't it. It is just a part of our life that I miss, want back, and want to expand on.
How would you go about this?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Reading back through your history of old questions (I am a paid user and have the ability to read your previous questions), you desperately need to realize something if you want anything in your marriage to work-out in the long-run:
This marriage is not only about you.
This marriage is about you, your husband, and now your child.
You explored things as a young adult that you enjoyed. Many young adults explore taboo things (drugs, sexual play, even living on the streets--a total change of lifestyle) and then grow up and out of those fantasy worlds. You cannot be a swinger and live a normal lifestyle. Every person in such relationships can tell you that. Their true selves have to be hidden from the people they love--children, too. They slowly drift away from the people they love, spending less time with family and focusing more on sexual subjects with strangers.
The selfish side of you is so clearly obvious in this sentence of yours:
"Sometimes, it occurs to me that I may never convince him to even consider it."
Convince? If you feel you may need to "convince" your husband of something then you know in your heart that he is not wanting of the situation. Convincing someone to do something tends to mean someone guilting or bribing someone into something something they disapprove of or dislike.
You have gone through therapy for your marriage. Two years ago, actually, which is actually pretty recent as far as marital therapy goes. Obviously you have been keeping feelings from your husband (and the therapist in the sessions) or you wouldn't have suddenly become very interest in changing your entire lifestyle. The therapy sessions involved finding out that your husband was hiding things that made you uncomfortable--you are now doing the same thing to him. Hiding important details of your own life.
Your husband and you are now bonded in marriage. You are one. If he is hurt, you are hurt. If you are deceiving him, you are deceiving yourself. You were so concerned two years ago because he had a female friend--but now you would be just fine and dandy with him kissing and sexing up another woman? Think this through.
Two years ago you couldn't bare for him to hang out with his best female friend while she was at home with her boyfriend! You said clearly that you were jealous of the time they spent together and the ability to share their emotions freely with each other. Then, to top everything off, you were jealous and hurt to find him looking at porn one night--PORN! NOT REAL SEX! LOOKING! NOT DOING! Do you see what I'm saying? Encouraging your husband to find new sexual partners because suddenly it sounds thrilling is so far from what your marriage needs at this point.
No, I'm not a marriage counselor, but I've had plenty of psychology courses (and yes, a psychology degree) to know that what you are after is not what you think it will be.
Growing up is hard to do for some people. They string their youth along as if it will always last. 30 isn't old, obviously, but you're a grown woman with a family now. You shouldn't be out testing the waters any more. You had a choice of what to do when you were having sexual play with others years ago and you made your decision. You've built your life up to be one way--married with a child--and you're now seeking an open relationship (which simply cannot include children in any way). Now is not the time to realize your youth was what you truly wanted all of these years.
I suggest opening with with your husband and telling him the truth. I suggest sending him this link and letting him read for himself your thought patterns on the matter. I suggest asking him for forgiveness for hiding this serious matter from him. I suggest a second round of therapy--for your marriage, and for yourself.
I talked with a woman once in regards to helping a problem like this with her. She wanted a more youthful lifestyle, to put it plainly. She was 45 or so and desperately wanted something she had left behind years previously. She wanted to be able to go out to clubs on the weekends, drink until she was a little intoxicated, and pair up with random men here-and-there for some light sexual play that she found appealing because of the taboo. The reality was that she had four children living at home that needed her (three under the age of 13, even), a husband that was working very hard to keep the family afloat in drowning times, and a household to care for and keep tidied (REGARDING YOUR FEEDBACK: THIS WAS NO WAY STEREOTYPING WHAT A WOMAN SHOULD DO; THIS IS WHAT THE WOMAN HAD COME TO KNOW AS HER LIFE, AS IN, THE WAY HER AND HER HUSBAND SET THEIR MARRIAGE UP TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE/WHAT SHE MAY HAVE BELIEVED A WOMAN SHOULD DO AT ONE POINT IN HER LIFE). There was no room for a wild lifestyle. There was no room to play 20-year-old-letting-loose, with money to hand out for alcohol and maybe a drug use here-or-there, hang-overs on monday morning, STD testing every three months to ensure safety of herself and her family members. She made a choice. To leave. To pursue her fantasy lifestyle.
It was hard for her, I'm sure, but it had to be done or she was never going to be satisfied. She left one morning after sending the kids off to school and kissing the husband off to work. She built a new life a couple of states away from where her family is now. A divorce occurred and parental rights were eventually relinquished when she realized she did not want to go back to playing a role she wasn't happy with (a mom, a wife).
You have to decide now, too. If the woman above would have stayed in her marriage, with her children, everything would have fallen apart. The marriage was crumbling anyway as she had resentment toward her husband ("Why did we HAVE to have children?!") and her children were more and more neglected by her ("I love my children but they were in the way of my happiness!").
You see, you can't have life both ways. You either have a husband, child, and family or you don't. You can't be a 20-year-old-letting-loose and a loving-Mommy-of-1.
Tell your husband what is going on. Decide your plan of action--NOT involving the "convincing" of anyone, but you deciding what you want in life. Does your happiness mean more than the happiness of your family? Do you want to be a swinger and have sexual play with people while not having a family and child or do you want the quiet life, sex with your husband, and tending to a youngster?
If it isn't down to having to decide right now, expect it sometime. You can't hide forever if you can't make up your mind to begin with. It will get to where your marriage is failing. It will get to where swinging consumes your life and important people are neglected.
Your desires for this sort of happiness might not be more deserving than your family's is what I am saying. Sit down and think it through.
If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask me! :)
]
Without going into details, I can relate.
First, the rules. If you do not intend to enter directly into polyamory (plural relationships, not just sex with others) then you have to be very clear on boundaries, and very strictly adhere to them.
Self control is key, you mentioned seeking your own experiences, do not. In a committed relationship the relationship comes first. Your partner's needs come above your own.
I'll put it this way. If you find that you need this to be a part of your life, you need a partner who is compatible. If satisfying this is not worth leaving him, you shouldn't even consider cheating.
Besides, from what you said, it wouldn't be half as fun if he wasn't involved.
You need to talk to him about it. Its alright to be nervous, but you're married to the guy for christs sake. Just sit down and pull it out bit by bit. There really isn't a better way to bring this up.
Of course, the other thing you can do is play with his fantasies. Describe a few things you'd like to do with him, bringing another girl into it, that sort of thing. One of the best ways for partners to relate on something like this is to find aspects of a fantasy that appeal to both of them, and if you can get him talking about what he thinks, what about it turns him on, you can form some common ground.
Be willing for it to take a while. Especially with the idea of you and another guy, the vast majority of men are too possessive to not have a kneejerk bad reaction.
There are alot of adjustments to the relationship for something like this. The honesty and communication have to be there, and you've got to be willing to sit down and work things out, because I guarantee that this will make waves. Anything you add to a relationship does.
There are some things you'll have to watch for along the way if you do start bringing others into bed with you.
- Make time to reconnect, just the two of you, after you do anything with others. Its important for that bond to be felt, and that at the end of the night neither of you feels neglected.
- Speak up. Resentment builds quickly and the rifts it tears can take a ton of time to heal. Problems must be brought up directly and dealt with directly.
- Veto power is absolute. Either of you has the right to tell the other person "no" at any time, for any reason. If someone isn't OK, you stop. This means in the middle of sex, or on the way to someone's house.
- Guidelines and comfort zones need to be discussed ahead of time. You both need to know what each other wants to happen, what each other don't want to happen, and you need to have rules for yourselves.
Example situation. The two of you and a couple become very comfortable, theres regular playing together. One day your boyfriend gets a call, the couple wants to come over and play, and you're stuck somewhere. You say alright, and you get home that night after they've left.
You're horny, he's too tired to move, and resentment sets in.
Do you want the above to be OK, or does it always have to be both of you? Do you want to be notified if someone is over when you aren't there? Approach everything about it as a couple. If either of you can't, then its probably not something you should explore.
]
Honestly, I don't think you sound like a needy slut at all. I think exactly what you put here, minus the part about wanting to seek experiences on your own if he doesn't want to with you, is perfect to tell him.
You've covered absolutely everything in your question. You've covered why you want to do it, where this want is coming from, and you've even said that you're okay with not doing it as long as he goes to the club ONE time with you to check it out.
Every question I was going to ask was answered as I read on. I think you should tell your husband that you loved that part of your sex life when you first were together. Tell him that you miss that. Make sure you tell him that it is NOT because he's not enough for you. Explain it exactly as you did here.
Tell him that you just want him to go to this swing club with him one time. Tell him that you understand that he doesn't like clubs, but this is just something you want him to do for you one time. Let him know that if he goes there and does not enjoy it, you won't ask to bring him back.
I think it's great that you're ready and willing to be understanding and compromise with him on this. It's good that you understand that not everyone has the same sexual taste as you, and that you don't want to force that on your husband.
Just make sure that if he doesn't want to do it, you don't go find these adventures on your own. If he's not willing to do the full swing thing, ask him if he would be willing to do what you did at the beginning of your relationship. Not full intercourse with others, but the spanking, teasing, toys, etc..
Now you just have to find out when to tell him this. That will be your hardest part. I can tell you've put some thought into this, so when you really fully tell him what you want, it's going to be difficult to get out. Pick a time when you're both relaxed and calm. Perhaps the next time you're in bed, before you have sex, you could bring it up. Say, "We should do what we used to do..." and just elaborate from there. Or after you have sex, when you're laying together and cuddling say, "Wow. That was great. You know what else would be fun? ..." and go about it that way.
Either way, you need to tell him fully how you feel and what you've got in mind. You don't want to let yourself get to the point where you would rather cheat than just talk to him about it. I know you've mentioned it, but you really need to sit him down and tell him what's up. You never know, he might be willing to do this for you. If he was willing to fool around with others, it shows that his mind is open enough to at least approach him about this.
Good luck!
Darby(:
]
More Questions: |