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Sex, Life, and advice?..
ok, so heres the rundown.. me and my girlfriend of almost a year, ill go ahead give names and ages.. (as bad as that sounds.) shelby-14 and daniel-16 (me) i konw you want to quickly judge us based on age, but we love eachother.. we do. as much as i do love "getting some" that is not why im with her. im with her because i love her, we laugh, cry, joke, and we sometimes argue a bit. anyways, we had sex, in a public bathroom, and well... her mom found out. she knows we used pretection.. but.. she wants to not let us see eachother.. i mean.. i went to cozumels for cinco de mayo (cozumels is a mexican resturant) and her family was there... they saw me and they immidiately left... (they didnt order yet).. because of me... i mean.. i have to see her. i will wait the full 4 years if i have to.. but i cannot allow that to happen.. we will both spend 4 years of misery.. and i wound like to intervene... somehow.. i sent her mom a long txt.. nothing too personal, just telling her about me loving her, and that i want a long realationship with her... didnt work. needless to say i only sent 1 txt.. i mean, i dont wanna harrass anyone.. anyways.. help plz?.. just any suggestions im up for..
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Sex changes the whole dynamic of a relationship and i also had sex at a young age and i like yourself didnt think having sex should stop me from seeing my boyfriend! I am not saying you were or werent ready only you know that but going threw it it i learned sex is a adult desicion that should be treated accordingly...I think that if you have to have sex in a public bathroom then you probably shouldnt be doing it. Sex is something special and a public bathroom is not where i would want to share that experince with someone i truely love! As for her parents they are doing what they feel is best and you just have to respect that. To them your just a kid that took something from there daughter and are just trying to protect her so the best you can do is hope they will understand and stay true to your word best of luck
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::Edit::
Serious apologies for the length, I got a bit carried away. Sleep deprivation is wonderful, isn't it?
Don't do energy drinks kids. Just say no.
::/Edit::
The balls really in your girlfriend's court. My advice to you is to stay out of it. Her mother isn't going to be won around by you now that you've fucked her 14 year old daughter. You are helpless in this situation. Accept it. As she appears to have responded to your question, I'll go ahead and send something her way. See that she reads it, will you?
Shelby. Welcome to the world of Adult behavior. Its a rocky start. Be prepared.
I'm not going to contest your decision to have sex, but your mother is. The first rule of living with parents who know you are sexually active is to refuse to argue about sex itself. It is an unwinnable argument, except that your parents kinda win by default, because in a battle of wills and opinions they have the hole card of authority.
The second rule is to have the self awareness to recognize that both you and your parents are wrong about what you are ready for as a person. You are going to err on the side of thinking you're ready, while they're going to err on the side of thinking you aren't.
The third rule, is that calling yourself an adult does not work, where as acting visibly like an adult works less than half the time. Be prepared for your mother to be intractable and unwilling to bend for a while.
Stay calm when you talk to your parents. Controlling yourself and not letting yourself descend into crying, anger, etc will make them take you alot more seriously when you speak to them.
Apologize for breaking their trust. Be understanding that you did something they don't believe you're ready for. Don't debate if you were, don't try to defend the decision. Above all, be somewhat gentle about the situation, because a mother adjusting to her daughter having sex at 14 in a public bathroom is a pretty big adjustment.
But also, be firm. Whom you date is your choice, and tell your parents that you are going to like whom you like, and that regardless of either of your bad judgment, that you like this guy and want to date him.
Offer a compromise. Tell them that you don't want to put them in situations they aren't comfortable with, but that their discomfort doesn't give them a right to dictate whom you interact with.
Ask them if, when they are ready to lift the punishment and the restrictions on their social life, they'd be willing to trade phone contact for face to face. You'll not seek him out outside the house if you still get to talk to him. Move up to going out with friends and having him be there, bring up the idea of him coming over for dinner and see how they react (not now, later, once they've gotten used to the idea that he isn't going away)
Its got to come from you, Shel. Your boyfriend isn't going to win your parents over, and if you want even the slightest chance in hell, you've got a long road ahead of you.
There are two things you can say to try to help you out. Though they might not get a favorable reaction at first, they will plant some badly needed ideas in your moms head.
First off "Just because I am not an adult, does not mean that I made a kids decision"
Finding an opening to insert that can bring up some interesting discussion.
Second, is to ask them point blank why you cannot see him. Make them justify it outright. They will almost certainly react with some anger, be prepared and weather the storm calmly. At some point, and while its not universal, I've seen every angry father I've known personally throw out the "and he corrupted/took advantage of my girl" line.
Heres where you look your parents in the eye and say something along the lines of "He did not take advantage of anything. You don't know him, I do. And while I can understand you thinking that neither of us is old enough to have made the choices we made, I resent the fact that you think I'm too young and stupid to know when I'm being taken advantage of"
This slams something home. When faced with parental disapproval, most people feel a sense of shame and remorse. Even if they believe they did right, its almost hardwired into all of us. They expect you to be embarassed that you were having sex, to feel like you did something fundamentally wrong.
When parents don't get that reaction, it stalls them. When they can't excuse you as a stupid 14 year old who thinks SHE made a mistake, when you confidently assert that whether right or wrong, it was YOUR decision, and not someone elses, it usually breaks them out of the mold a bit.
Because instead of protecting you from a predatory teen boy, they're thinking about YOU.
From this point, encourage them to talk to you. Be open, and tell them that you made a decision, and thats in the past, but if they think you made the wrong decision you're more than willing to listen to them. Bring them back from shock and anger to reason and calmness, and encourage them to talk to you about their concerns.
"I see this worries you, but I'm not you, I don't know whats going on in your head unless you tell me, so tell me what you're worried about" is a great line for this part. Adapt as necessary for your own use.
Its going to take time, and patience. And more than either of those, its going to take understanding on your part. They're scared shitless for you, when you get pissed, irritated, feel coddled and overprotected, remember that unlike your boyfriend there ARE guys out there who take advantage of girls like you, and your parents are going to ASSUME that of any boyfriend who has sex with you. Burden of proof is on you.
Get on birth control. Should be a no brainer. Bring up gynecology, tell them you know that you're supposed to go see a gyno once you start having sex and ask your mom if she can set an appointment. Bring birth control up in the gynos office. This will be another sign to your parents that you're acting like an adult about all of this.
Lastly, don't get fucking caught again. Don't be stupid. Sex is part of your private life for a reason, and while I did plenty of stupid shit when I was your age, I managed to keep it from my parents. Its not impossible, you just need to use common sense, and be willing to zip up your pants sometimes and go without.
Thats part of being an adult.
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A text is so impersonal. I suggest writing a letter or calling. But, you need to ask them if you guys can talk. You need to explain to her parents that it was completly inappropriate for you two to have had sex. (wether you belive it or not, suck up to them!!) You need to tell them that it will never happen again, and you are fine with them being home when you guys hang out. You need to regain their trust, even if it starts with them sitting between you guys while watching a movie.
Hope I helped, if you need anymore help, drop a question in my inbox.
-E
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this is very hard baby. but we can do it...hopefully we'll see each other before next year. i love ya!
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If your true to your word you will wait for 4 years, but will she? i know its not in your mind at the moment to leave this how it is and get on with life but wouldnt it be easier? her parents are obviously a little raged up about it and im sure she's hurting over it now as well because well yeah you both have been through "it" together (im guessing its both your first time(s)?) if you can weedle your way around her parents because really it is them that you will have to convince. if in this time you cant get your way around and do have to wait the full 4 years. will your feelings stay? will her's? what about other guys for her and other girls for you? theres many different things that could happen during this time. think about what would be best for both of you to do and stay out of trouble as much as possible so that if the opportunity arises in the future you may be able to reeunite with her.
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There really isn't much you can do in a situation like that. Sadly, she is only fourteen, so what her parents say goes. I would make one more attempt. Call her mother, don't text her. Call her and try to talk to her. Don't tell her, "Ah, I love your daughter so much and I'll never get over her and I'll wait four years if I have to." That just sounds immature and over-dramatic to a fourteen year old girl's parents.
Instead say, "I understand why you're upset. You have every right to be angry with Shelby and I. I understand that, even if we use protection, having sex in a public bathroom is not a good decision. Shelby is not only my girlfriend, but one of my best friends and I would be really grateful if you would let me continue to see her."
Say it calmly. Don't scream, don't cry, don't whine.
If she agrees to it, there will probably be a lot of stipulations. You may not be able to go anywhere alone together. You might not be able to take her to your house. You might have to stay in their living room with her when you go to her house. Don't expect too much at first. Just be happy that you can see her at all.
If she says no, don't try again. Just leave her alone. If you keep bothering you, she might do something drastic, like get a restraining order against you. I would also give her a few days before you do try this. Let her cool off and think about things.
Hope this helps,
Darby(:
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