Dear Readers:
I think my life experience is what qualifies me to write this column. I made every mistake imaginable. But have learned from them. Most important I still remember what it was like to be 12, 13, 14, 15, and so on. Currently I am a single mom, I have two wonderful boys. One in college. We are all happy emotionally. We love life, and know that you can too. I try to be the kind of parent that understands. I know that I can help you to understand where you parents are coming from, and help you get over the difficulties of being young. You can even have your parents write to me and I will help them to get over their fears and at least respect you and your feelings. I have been married and divorced twice, so I have experience in that field also. But now I own my own home, and my own business and am successful. Lots of luck to you! Hope to hear from you.
Website: Ask Michele
E-mail: cobweb2@comcast.net
Gender: Female
Location: Connecticut
Occupation: accountant, internet marketing, creative writing
Age: 56
Member Since: March 22, 2005
Answers: 1331
Last Update: June 20, 2010
Visitors: 84170
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Ok! I am 13 and a girl and my boyfriend is 14. He has a younger brother my age. He wants to keep our... um... love, a secret from almost everyone, expesically his mother and father. Now here's the problem, he said that we have to do that until his 16 when his aloud to date!!! I do truely love him and he loves me. What should I do? I don't want to keep it a secret but he said he'd break up with me if his parents or brother finds out! (P.S. I don't want to hurt him cuz he just broke up with a girl that he was dating for 2 years! She just said we're done and walked away! I don't want to hurt him...) (link)
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Hi,
I think your boyfriend needs to keep your relationship a secret because his parents may be really really mean,and really give him a hard time about it. I mean you don't live at his house, you don't know what kind of parents he has. He may really like you a lot, but his parents would really get on his case. If they are hard on him or even beat him, he may not tell you because he has too much pride. So he asked you to keep it a secret. After all, he has to live with them, not you. I think you should respect his wishes. If you love someone, and they ask you to do them a favor, unless it goes against your values, or is against the law, you should do it.
NOw the Jacket-offering guy was paying attention to you. And that made you happy. That is normal. Boys that age, act silly, that is a way they have of flirting with a girl. And you enjoyed the attention. All boys and girls like attention. And all boys and girls flirt. It does not mean someone is in love with you, and it doesn't mean that you have to do more than acknowledge the attention. It is flattering. And it's fun, and it can be completely innocent. But it is never ok to flirt in front of your boyfriend (or girlfiend for boys). But of course, if you are not in a relationship, then all is fair in love and war.
You have to give the whole situation some time. Take the time to figure out which one you like better.
YOu may have a problem with having to keep your realtionship with your boyfriend a secret. Under normal circumstances, that would not be OK. And if so, that is OK. Then this is not a match for you. And that is ok, too. It happens all the time. It is confusing to have choices, but it is better than the opposite, which is having no one interested in you at all. So enjoy! You must be very pretty, and a nice girl too.
I hope this helped.
Michele
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My stomach growls everyday during school and its SO embarrasing. is there anything i can do to stop this? like any specific food that i can snack on or anything really that'll prevent it from happeneing. thanks all so much!
~Nataie (link)
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Protein takes the longest to digest. It will stay in your stomache longer. Nuts have a lot of protein, but use them sparingly, they are high in fat. Myself, I just chew on mentos mints. They will get me through until lunch.
Hope this helps
Michele
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I am attracted to guys but there are these two women i am too. One is my moms friend who is 42 and her daughter who is 17. I like them a lot like more than friends and im only 13. After i stop liking these two girls i dont think i will like any others. After thse two im back to guys 100%. Am i bi? (link)
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If you are attracted as friends, that is OK, but if they persue a sexual relationship with you, even one that does not go too far, they are in violation of the law, they can be arrested, and branded as sexual offenders for the rest of their lives. If they are smart they will only be your friend. And good friends are OK. But if they take it any further, it could mean a big scandal. They are old enough to know better...if they persue a sexual relationship with you, they deserve to be arrested, you are too young to be involved sexually with a male or female. Please give this some time. You need to be more mature to make sense out of your feelings. You will regret it if you persue a relationship with those people
Michele
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I need to know if my husband is cheating.I am 23 and he is 20. We have a 4 month old son and have been married almost a year. He is working out of state( In Florida and I'm in Texas) and living with a bunch of his single friends. We had been having problems even before he left, but since he got there we have been fighting constatntly over the phone.If he decides he's done talking he will hang up and either turn his phone off or just ignore my calls and text messages. He always seems to be busy (working, eating, showering, going to the gym,ect.) There are times when I can't get a hold of him and he tells me he left his phone in the other room. We had an argument and he truned his phone off all night. I recieved a text message to my phone the next morning that read" sorry about last night. My baby's mom was calling all night so I turned my phone off." He claims it was his friends playing a joke and that they did teh same thing to another guy too. However, He was not even angery about it. He seemed to not care at all. Of course he denied cheating. That same day I discovered pictures of naked girls dancing on a bar on his phone while online. He says his brother took them because he didn't have a camera phone. What should I think? Is he cheating? How can I catch him when he's so far away? Your advice would be greatly appreciated. (link)
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Based on what you know has happened, I don't think you have to catch him. I think it is obvious. He has many opportunities. How well do you know him. Why did you get married? Why is he working so far away. If your marriage were solid and he loved you he would find work close to home. He would never leave you and the baby. That is what a good husband and father would do. After all, you are vulnerable, and at the very least, may turn to someone else for companionship and comfort because you are lonely, why isn't he worried about that? I think it is because he only thinks of himself. He is very young and very immature. And sorry to say, he wasn't ready to get married and start a family. But now you have one. If there is any hope that your marriage can be saved, and your sanity.....you need to stop calling him altogether. Let him start to wonder. After all, if he is hell bent on cheating, or taking the opportinity whenever it comes, your frequent phone calls won't stop him. I don't believe his stories, I think you are right he would have been mad at his friends about putting him in an awkward position with you, instead he just explained it away with some lame excuse. Listen you KNOW how men act when they are in love......is he acting that way?????!?!?!?!
Not from what you tell me he is not. If you start to ignore him, he is going to start wondering what you are doing. It will be nice to have the tables turned on him. Don't be around when he calls either, and turn off your cell phone. And then have a friend send a sexy text message, to his phone "by mistake". and then give him the same lame excuse. Turn the tables on him honey. it will feel a lot better later, than feeling like a fool, which is what he is making of you.
I am sorry, but you AND the baby deserve better. He is not the only man in the world. Look for someone who adors you. Even if he is not the cutest guy in the world. AFter all, you can't even tell how cute your husband is, all the way in Florida, but of course the other girls can.
I hope this helps. Sorry for your troubles, Men suck honey,
Michele
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Dear Michele,
Can you give me some advice on controlling the smell of your period. I always feel like i smell bad. I've tried changing my pad frequently but i think i still smell. (link)
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Arm and Hammar baking powder is the best odor eliminator. Nothing beats it. I don't suppose that they make pads with baking soda in them,if the do, then you should try those. And if not, try shaking a little powder on your pad.
And of course you should douche at least once but not until your period is over.
Also let me say this. That ordor is not meant to be offensive. In fact may scientists who study these things, think that a woman is more alluring and attractive when she has her period. I don't believe that you smell offensive when you are having your period. I think you have been conditioned to think this by TV commericals who think we all stink, have heart burn, and need a new truck. It it just designed to sell products. Make us all good little consumers. Think back hundreds of years ago, when personal hygene was impossible, (no running water, no heat, no soap!) We still managed to attract the opposite sex, fall in love and have babies.
I hope this helps.
Michele
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hey im 13 and lately ive been feeling left out. i have a whole group of friends who iused to hang out with but i cant hang out on the weekends anymore because i need to study for school and i also have something going on. even though i cant hang out really ive been feeling left out, my friends wont talk to me, and the only chance i can hang out with them they always have plans. ive been also trying to hook up with my friends ex so do you think its that they dont wanna be friends with me or what (link)
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It might be because you are studying, and they find that boring, and think maybe you are too, but don't let that discourage you. Keep studying, because when you grow up and can get a good job, and have more money than anyone else, you won't be boring. You'll be the most popular guy, and you'll have a job you like, everyone else will be stuck "shakin' fries". I know it sounds boring, but look you all have to grow up, whether you like it or not, you all have to get jobs some day whether you like it or not, and the happiest people, and the ones that have the most control over their lives,are the ones with educations. So childhood and teenage years are short in comparison to the rest of your life. The largest part of your life, which is from 21 to oh say, 100 years old, will be the longest, and that part had better be happy, or you will be miserable. Just look, I am sure that there are a lot of miserable adults around you.
Michele
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I am an artist and was asked to pain a picture of Corona beer. Is it legal for me to paint brand names without infringing on copyright/trademark, etc? (link)
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Artist Andy Warhol made a fortune painting cans of campbells soup. So go for it.
Michele
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I'm going on a school trip Wed-Fri. and I've got my period the heaviest it's ever been. It's like I have to change my pad every hour. I've never gotten cramps and now I have them really bad. During the trip we are going to make a couple rest stops off the bus. I can't put a pad in my pocket because it will be obvious..This is going to ruin my whole trip! I won't feel well and all my friends are going to have fun. I can't bring medicine either...it isn't allowed. I might have to wear a couple pads at once and like two pairs of underwear until I can quitely try to change it. Please help me get through this because I don't know what to do! I will remember this trip forever too. =/ (link)
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Take a really hot bath tonight, and try to flush yourself out. THis may help. With me it was always the first day that was the worst, so maybe tomorrow will be better
Michele
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I have to ask this question, out of pure and utter curiousity. Is Targets running somewhat of a scam? The Ipod Minis are on sale, well, they give you a $15 gift card with the purchase of the mini thats 4G, but every store is "SOLD OUT", and I find this HARDDDD to believe, due to the fact the sale just started, and every store is like "WE got a HUUUGE shipment yesterday, but they sold out". (link)
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Stores like Target andWalMart do that all the time. Of course they have a more expensive model to sell you
Michele
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Michelle,
I just want to start by saying that I appreciate your brutal honesty. You answered my question better than anyone else, and I see where you're coming from...but (there's always the but) I want to try and make you see it my way. First of all, my teacher was married when I first started attending school, but isn't anymore. Maybe it has something to do w/ me, or not. Second, why would his friends make fun of him? I don't know where you're from, but where I am I've never met an older man that wouldn't want a 19 year old. A little sick, yes, but very true. Let's be realistic, above and beyond all here we have to remember that he is a man, and men have needs. Men his age or older try to pick me up all the time. He is 12 years my senior, but I've seen instances of 30 years or more in age seperation, in this day and age it could be a lot worse don't you think?
You also said we have nothing in common, w/ all due respect (don't take offense) how would you know? We make each other laugh and share the same views on a lot of things,(the NY Yankees for one, sports always score points:)!) and yes, we do like the same music, my taste w/ music as w/ everything else is beyond my time. When we're on the computer (& not doing school work) I play music, there's been a few times where I've actually played songs that he loves.
Now I know this isn't p.c. but, I get into bars, and go often. I don't look young, and I'm not the most confident person in the world but I'm not ugly either. Haven't you got the hint that I'm not trying to follow rules here?
As for the "brief physical relationship" aspect, who's to say that I wouldn't enjoy that either way? Maybe I wouldn't want him after that, the chase is always more fun than the catch, and I personally tend to want things more when I can't have them.
And you're right that he was probably a jerk when he was my age but I didn't know him then, I know him now. You also said that you're trying to save me the heartache. I've always said even if it doesn't go the way I want it to, I just need to know, I need to hear it straight from him, straight from the source. Don't you see that forgetting about it wouldn't be saving me from anything? I am not capable of letting go of something I've held inside for so long.
I visited your column and learned that you are also a lot older than me. I realize you are not going to share all of my views, but remember that things are different from when you were younger. I really wish you could see things through my eyes because you're response was deeper and more thought out than the rest. I appreciate your time. To try and assist you in understanding further I'd like to send you a poem that I wrote about the situation. Maybe then you can understand the hopelessness inside.
sincerely, Rhanda
(link)
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Dear Rhanda, Thanks for writing again. I wish that things were different today, but they are not, they are the same today, as they were when I was young, when it comes to men and women. If things were different, men would be more respectful of women and their feelings, instead, when that libido kicks in, they just want what they want, and feelings be damned. Even the music....I mean the kind that touches you emotionally, the heartbreaking music....the messages are still the same. YOu broke my heart! (Only when I was young, they said, now I am going to die, today they say I am going to kill you, ha,ha, just kidding.) Rhanda, I respect you very much, that is why I choose to answer your question. I don't answer all of them. I was where you are today, when I was about your age. I was probably beautiful, (But I didn't think so) and I suspect that you are too. It is thrilling to have an older man take an interest in you. It really boosts your ego. Today even though I am 52, I can still turn heads. (I work hard at staying young looking) But today I find that I would much rather impress men with my intelligence. SO maybe my looks get me in the door, but later they forget about that and are impressed with my mind.(I don't mean bedroom door. ha,ha.) You say you are going to college, great, I am impressed with you. Don't stop there. Go on and finish.
You know what men have that we don't have enough of, Power. Power! With education and intelligence, you can gain power. That is more important than men wanting you beause they think you are sexy. Turn it around, if you have power and money, you can want them just because they are sexy, and no matter what else they have to offer. Because you won't need them for anything.
I know you say that if the relationship turns out to be short lived, and only for sex, then you could handle that. I have my doubts about that....but I know what it is like to be drawn to that irresistable flame. But if you learn from the experience, then I guess it will not be a loss. And I expect you are on some kind of birth control right??????? I will never say, GO FOR IT GIRL, you deserve to be as free and enjoy your sexuality as much as men do, with no consequences. But (and that is another thing that has NOT changed) There are consequences and they are always for the woman. A woman will not turn down a man for marriage just because he has had a lot of bed partners. But a man will. I don't care who the guy is and how much he loves you. In fact especially if he loves you, or wants to feel comfortable about falling in love with you. He is going to ask...how many men have you been to bed with. (I just tell guys it's none of their business...that's because I am 52, and I don't need them for anything, and if they don't like my answer, there is the door. ) But a 19 or 20 or 25, it would have been nice to say a very low number. Look I know this sounds stupid, but let me say this one last thing.
My heart broke for Monica Lewinsky who was used by President Bill Clinton. Can you imagine....catching the eye of the most powerful man on earth. Before long, in her mind she had them married with her having his baby. Did you think for a second that he was going to divorce Hillary (one of the most powerful women in the world) and marry that young girl? No I am sure that you did not. But the point is that Monica did. And not because he told her that, she just made that all up in her mind.
She figured she had him just because he was young. She wasn't reading the non-verbal messages that he was sending, which were "I only want to have sex with you". She was too "starry eyed" to see it. And see,Rhanda you already think that "MAYBE, JUST MAYBE.....his marriage broke up on account of me". Really Rhanda? Please don't think that, marriages do not break up that easy. His marriage may have broken up because he is womanizer. May be his wife had just had it. And had I known that he was married, I would have added more info in my first letter. Namely this.I have been married and divorced twice. Both husbands were from HELL. My poor choices. I know. But they went out looking for new mates, and I think they both succeeded. But my point is, they certainly did not tell prospective girlfriends that I dumped them because they were womanizers, or lazy, or mean or abused me. No of course they did not volunteer that info, nor did they volunteer my phone number. That is part of the problem. Women settle for bad behavior in men. So they have no incentive to behave better. One girl's misery is another girl's treasure, for a while anyway.
There are some wonderful men out there. And I cannot say for sure that your professor is not one of them. But he does know that it is against the rules for him make himself more "approachable" to you. He certainly does know that, and it is true. The fact that he is willing to jeopardize his job for a possible date with you, does make the situation "romantic and more exciting because it is forbidden". It also means that you will have a much bigger hole to climb out of.
At least wait until you are no longer his student. Give it more time. Just to be sure what his intentions towards you are. If they are just for sex, he will get tired of waiting and go on to another student. Hey wouldn't that bother you. If the relationship turned out to be just for sex, and a week later you catch him flirting with another student? Rhanda, men do that all the time. I hope this helps and sorry I went on so.....
Yes I would like to read your poem, you can email to me at michele@personaladvicecolumn.com
We can correspond from that email if you like.
Michele
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hey mah name is desiree alfrey i am 16 years old and i had sex with mah 18 year old boyfirend could mah mom do anything about this if there is only a 2 year age difference i was wondering if she could press charges on him for stagatory rape i do not call it rape because it was mah idea please write back soon!!! Thank you, Desiree Alfrey (link)
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Well Desiree,
each state has different laws. And my state does not prosecute for statutory rape when there is less than 2 years difference in age. Are you sure it less than two years, including allthe months and days. then you may be OK, but that does not meat that your mom is not frustrated by your behavior and is going to make some threats. And please keep in mind. Any boy who does have sex with someone too young, and gets convicted, will be branded as a sex offender for the rest of his life,and will have to register with the police department where ever he lives.
Also, dear, don't use your full name when asking personal questions about yourself on the internet.
Michele
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Well, I have in issue with becoming a vegetarian. I really want to, but my family is Greek and they just don't understand why I won't eat perfectly good meat, and if I don't eat it they think I have an eating disorder. I really want to give it up because I love animals and it's a lot healthier, but I'm shy when it comes to telling my parents these things and I don't know if they'd understand. They'd probably make fun of me. What should I do? (link)
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Well you could try going to the PETA web site. They may be able to send you some brochures that you could give to your parents. The ones on why it is healty to be a vegetarian would be good. In fact there is lots of info on the web about being a vegan. But the PETA brochures on how animals are slaughtered for our food, are really gross, you might not want to show them any of those. Also there are lots of good books on being a vegan. In fact why not go to the web site www.earthday.org and take the test called Ecological Foot Print. It tells you, based on your life style, including whether or not you eat meat, how much of the earths resources you use. It is very eye opening. AFter you take it, see if you can get your mom to take the quiz.
Keep trying, eventually you will be a yound adult and able to make your own decisions about what you eat. The more you learn the better.
Hope this helps.
Michele
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my mom puts me down so much and i dont know what to do anymore...like if i do sumthin shell jus say sumthin rude about it and leave it at that...nothen i do ever is good enoguh for her..all the rude things she says to me makes me cry so much and she dont even think whut she says hurts me...i try to talk to her but she never listen...my dad is even doin it now to..i dont kno whut to do ne more..help (link)
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Your mom suffers from low self-esteem, and if she keep it up, you will too. (IF not already) She really needs to stop. Most likely she was raised the same way. Are you a witness to how your grandmother treats your mom? I went through this also at your age. It nearly ruined my life. It definitely had an affefct on the decision I made in my adult life, and I made alot of bad ones, because I didn't think I was good enough for any thing, or any one, or any job, or any dream that I had. Didn't believe I was capable of doing anything right. Boy was my mom wrong. And so is yours. It still needs to stop though, because you are stuck living there until you are of legal age. (I got out as soon as I was 18, and never went back) You might try saying this.
"DOes it make you feel better to put me down?" I hope it's helping you, because it sure isn't helping me!". Or say. "If you spoke to your friends that way (or your co-workers) you wouldn't have any!"
I hope this helps. Your mom needs therapy. Hang in there, soon you will be an adult and you can get out. You wil get positive feedback from your friends and co-workers and boss too.
Michele
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my mom is overweight, and i am not, however i want to tone my muscles an be in all around better physical condition. I wanted us to join a pilates class together, but she is afraid that's too strong of program to begin with, as we currently are not doing any sort of athletic activities. We were going to do yoga instead, and then move to pilates perhaps later...but my boyfriend said that yoga stretches your muscles and elongates them, but doesn't give you much exercise in the way we were hoping. Is this true? What should we do? all suggestions are appreciated! thanks! (link)
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Both yoga and pilates are good choices. Yoga will give you both more flexibility and strengthen the muscles. Pilates involves more calorie burning exercises. No matter which you choose, a good instructor will start you both our gently, as it is your first time. In this case, I would vote for pilates, you will burn more calories, but definitely try yoga later. Good luck.
Michele
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this is gonna seem like no big deal, but here's the thing: i think i'm ugly. i never really thought of it that much until i got to middle school...i looked at how much weight i need to lose... how ugly my eyebrows are...how my braces make my smile look like crap (actually, they don't let me smile right). the thing is that my friends say "how can you say you're ugly? i think you're pretty! not drop-ead googeous, but sooooooooo NOT ugly!" i know that girls are like that a lot, that we all look in the mirror and don't look at how pretty we are but how we need to fix hte bad stuff, but i need help on that. i don't see myself as the kind of girl a guy would like, or even how my guy friends can stand having a friend like me. i just always wonder what guys think when they see me... any way, my question is how do i see myself prettier? this may not seem like a problem, but i need to feel better to look better, but for that i need to be able to see myself better. i wanna know how my friends can see me as pretty. please don't tell me to focus on my personality because i don' see a personality when i look in a mirror. thanks to everyone just even if you don't answer it but for at least reading this huge thing!!! thanks! (link)
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Try going to the grocery store or to the mall and look at every one else. Really look. Don't look at the girls who have spend 2 hours getting ready with hair and make up and everything just perfect. Look at the regular people. How do you compare to them? YOu have youth on your side, In y book, that makes you beautiful. Also the braces are going to come off some day, and eyebrows can be plucked.
Go to the make up counter at the department store for a make over. Don't have one, Call an avon lady or mary kay lady, the will do a make up application.
Look just at your eyes....eyes are beautiful. Whether brown or blue. Also smile. We don't usually smile at ourselves in the mirror, but you do smile to your fiends. REally smile, and see how much better you look. Everyone looks beautiful when they smile. How is you skin, good condition? Make sure you take care of it.
Use the best products and keep it clean and soft. Beautiful skin is attractive to everyone. And taking care of your skin will reward you with beautiful skin your whole life.
Also be patient. Many of the beautiful models you see in magazines once thought they were ugly also.
Hope this helped.
Michele
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ok i have stretch marks on my legs (15/f) and i was wondering how the heck do i get rid of them? summers comming up and i dont want to be seen in a swim suit with stretch marks on my hip/legs...
please help i rate high (link)
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STrivectin is a recent discovery. It came out last year. It is for treating stretch marks. It also is good for getting rid of the deep lines on your face. But I think you are still to young to worry about that. STrivectin though, is very expensive. "Striadril" is the generic name for strivectin. See if you can find it in a cheaper version. Look on the internet. IT really works.
Michele
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16/f--I don't have BAD acne, but I have little red bumps on my face (I wash my face twice a day, but I just somehow still get little pimples). As I said, its not that bad and its nothing makeup can't fix. I've been using two different kinds of face makeup (liquid stuff and powder stuff), but I just ran out. I don't want to use the same stuff, but I'm not sure what to use. I'm not that experienced with types of makeup and what they do. Whats the difference between concealer, foundation, compact, and any other face makeup, and what exactly do they do?
Thank you. (link)
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HI, I am an esthetician, and I can help. DO you also have little red or white bumps on other parts of your body. Upper arms? Forearms? If so, then you may have keratosis pilaris. It is a skin condition. The make up won't cause it or prevent it. What happen is that dead skin cells do not fall off, as they should, the become stuck, and sebum builds up behind them. You need to use a lotion or serum or cleanser with 12 to 17% glycolic acid each time you wash. Then you need to use a fiber sponge or loofa sponge, or an exfoliant of some kind. The glycolic acid will soften the dead skin cells that are stuck, and the exfoliant will remove the. It will not get better over night, but it will not get better at all of you don't take these steps. Look up the condition on the internet, see if you agree with my diagnosis, then get some products that help.
If it is just acne, then exfoliating will still help. So will the glyolic acid. Also to prevent acne, you must keep bacteria away from your face, so no hands on face, also don't use towels or wash cloths that other people use.
Hope this helps.
Michele
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I'm sorry guys because I just didn't know what to title this. I'm a 14 year old female and I've been having some problems lately and I was hoping you guys could help me figure out what to do. While I was out to dinner with my youth pastors, I accidentally let it slip that I cut myself. After that, they were all worried and concerned and stuff. I didn't quite see what the big deal was at the time because I'm not trying to kill myself, I just like the way it feels and it really helps me through the hard times. Well, one of my youth pastors has been checking up on me recently and I don't want to tell her, but I cut. She tells me I can call her if I ever need anything or if I ever want to talk, but I find it somewhat hard to do that. I just feel like I'm slipping away from God, my friends, and just everybody. I don't know what to do. I keep lying to her and telling her I'm not doing it, but the truth is, I've done it one time since we've started talking about it. I don't want to tell her because I know if I do, she'll make me tell my parents and there is enough drama going on in my home life that I don't need to bring this into the mix. I know I shold probably go see a therapist, but I don't like the thought of sitting in a stranger's office and telling them what's wrong with my life because then I feel like a crybaby and it would just be weird to tell a stranger that kind of stuff. I'm just at a loss of what to do because my youth pastors think I'm a good kid and stuff, but they don't know the stuf that I'm hiding from them. I guess my questions are: should I tell them? if so, what should I say? how can I get 'reunited' with God? I would really appreciate your answers. Thanx in advance! (link)
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HI Honey,
I learned a long time ago when I saw a young girl on a TV talk show who had burned her arm with a hot iron. Her mom was on with her too, and a therapist. She was left home while her parents went on lavish vacations She was sent away to school, she was sent away all the time. All she wanted was some attention from her parents. Normal attention. The kind of attention that tells her that she matters and that she is important, and that her feelings count. Her mother and the therapist both told her that she wanted too much attention. My heard sank for her. It was then that I realized that kids to hurt themselves physically, with hot objects or sharp objects, it is because they are "numb" from having to stifle their feelings. Their need to be seed as important by the parents, and their parents telling them that they don't count, makes them learn to totally turn off their feelings so they don't cause any more trouble. Don't make waves, don't rock the boat. Don't go away mad, just go away. After denying your feelings for so long, you long to feel SOMETHING. And pain is better than numbness.
Pain is better than nothing.
You say that it is no big deal, the problem is dear, that it won't stop there. I don't mean that you will kill yourself. YOu do not want to die, I believe you. You just want to feel. You hint that there are problems at home, and I am not surprised. And I'll bet you are "hypervigilant". When you walk in the door, the first thing you do is read everyone's mood, then you know whether you can relax and slip away, or whether or not there is trouble brewing and whether or not you will be involved in it. You say that you don't want to talk to a therapist because you don't want to seem like a crybaby. Ia that what you are called at home, when you expect to be treated normally. When you expect to have a normal and loving home life. You did not choose your family. It is not your fault, but if you continue doing this thing without getting help. You'll do lots of self-destructive things and act in self-destructive ways because you don't believe that you matter. I say that you do need to talk to someone, but be sure it is someone who has your interestes in mind, not your parents. A person from church may be best. If you go to a therapist, that your parents are paying for, that therapist may agree with them, that you are the one with the problem, because they are paying the bill. I have seen this happen. Hang in there, and I hope you find the answers you need.
Michele
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lately, ive been thinking a lot about my first love. thes this other boy and we're pretty into eachother, but i havnt been able to stop thinking about my first love lately. its gonna be a year now that met and we fell in love over the summer. is this normal? is it just cuz he was my first love? or do i still have feelings 4 him? i really like this new guy. its just that i've been thinking about the first one. maybe, its b/c he represents a happy time in my life or hes very special to me or something. i dunno. do i still like him in a way?
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Some people never forget their first love. And sometimes, many years later they get together again, and find out that the other person never forgot them. You can't stop your feelings, you have to just feel them, but don't be sad. Life is too short. Happiness comes from inside. What if your first love was gone from this earth, would you never love again, of course not. Thinking about someone that way is actually an honor to them. Maybe some day you will get together again. But if you do like the person you are with, and he is good to you, you should return the favor.
Michele
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I am a 46-year-old male dating a 34-year-old girl. She has a very peculiar fetish. She enjoys putting and keeping her hand over my mouth as a gag. She loves the way it looks and sounds, and gagging me into muffled speech gives her a sense of dominant power and control. At first, I really didn't mind. Lisa has very nice hands--pretty, soft, sweet-scented. Her handgags are an erotic, intimate way for us to enhance our relationship. As she started to insist on handgags that last longer than an hour, I knew I was in trouble.
But lately, she has decided she really enjoys doing this in public. Lisa says she wants people to see her hand over my mouth. She loves catching me off guard by covering my mouth whenever I am speaking to another person. Lisa loves hearing my muffled speech and sees this as very humorous, so she does it at every opportunity. But she won't take her hand away! And she won't allow me to remove her hand. Lisa insists on doing things like keeping my mouth covered during an entire movie or concert! Or handgagging me when I try to order a meal in a restaurant. Lisa has done this to me in church, in banks, at school, and in stores. I have tried to ask her not to do it in public because it is embarrassing. But she says she cannot stop and is doing it all the more and gagging me all the longer. I love Lisa and don't want to fight over this. How can I reason with Lisa to do this in private when she really wants to do it in public so badly? Is there a compromise to make both of us happy? How can I handle this situation? (link)
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If this question is on the level, then your friend Lisa has some serious problems. Do you see any other couples doing that? Have you ever? I never have. Lisa is trying to tell you something with these actions. I think she is imitating something that happened to her that she was never able to deal with appropriately. Think of it, abused kids grow up to abuse. Kids who are sexually molested grow up to be pedophiles. I think Lisa was mouth gagged as a child, and Lord knows what else happened to her. You must tell her, very firmly, that under absolutely no circumstances is she to do that again, and that if she finds that difficult to comply with she needs to get some help, and be honest about her habits. Don't try to help yourself, you are too close to help, but be there for her is she opens up about these issues.
I hope this helps
Michele
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