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Michelle,
I just want to start by saying that I appreciate your brutal honesty. You answered my question better than anyone else, and I see where you're coming from...but (there's always the but) I want to try and make you see it my way. First of all, my teacher was married when I first started attending school, but isn't anymore. Maybe it has something to do w/ me, or not. Second, why would his friends make fun of him? I don't know where you're from, but where I am I've never met an older man that wouldn't want a 19 year old. A little sick, yes, but very true. Let's be realistic, above and beyond all here we have to remember that he is a man, and men have needs. Men his age or older try to pick me up all the time. He is 12 years my senior, but I've seen instances of 30 years or more in age seperation, in this day and age it could be a lot worse don't you think?
You also said we have nothing in common, w/ all due respect (don't take offense) how would you know? We make each other laugh and share the same views on a lot of things,(the NY Yankees for one, sports always score points:)!) and yes, we do like the same music, my taste w/ music as w/ everything else is beyond my time. When we're on the computer (& not doing school work) I play music, there's been a few times where I've actually played songs that he loves.
Now I know this isn't p.c. but, I get into bars, and go often. I don't look young, and I'm not the most confident person in the world but I'm not ugly either. Haven't you got the hint that I'm not trying to follow rules here?
As for the "brief physical relationship" aspect, who's to say that I wouldn't enjoy that either way? Maybe I wouldn't want him after that, the chase is always more fun than the catch, and I personally tend to want things more when I can't have them.
And you're right that he was probably a jerk when he was my age but I didn't know him then, I know him now. You also said that you're trying to save me the heartache. I've always said even if it doesn't go the way I want it to, I just need to know, I need to hear it straight from him, straight from the source. Don't you see that forgetting about it wouldn't be saving me from anything? I am not capable of letting go of something I've held inside for so long.
I visited your column and learned that you are also a lot older than me. I realize you are not going to share all of my views, but remember that things are different from when you were younger. I really wish you could see things through my eyes because you're response was deeper and more thought out than the rest. I appreciate your time. To try and assist you in understanding further I'd like to send you a poem that I wrote about the situation. Maybe then you can understand the hopelessness inside.
sincerely, Rhanda
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Dear Rhanda, Thanks for writing again. I wish that things were different today, but they are not, they are the same today, as they were when I was young, when it comes to men and women. If things were different, men would be more respectful of women and their feelings, instead, when that libido kicks in, they just want what they want, and feelings be damned. Even the music....I mean the kind that touches you emotionally, the heartbreaking music....the messages are still the same. YOu broke my heart! (Only when I was young, they said, now I am going to die, today they say I am going to kill you, ha,ha, just kidding.) Rhanda, I respect you very much, that is why I choose to answer your question. I don't answer all of them. I was where you are today, when I was about your age. I was probably beautiful, (But I didn't think so) and I suspect that you are too. It is thrilling to have an older man take an interest in you. It really boosts your ego. Today even though I am 52, I can still turn heads. (I work hard at staying young looking) But today I find that I would much rather impress men with my intelligence. SO maybe my looks get me in the door, but later they forget about that and are impressed with my mind.(I don't mean bedroom door. ha,ha.) You say you are going to college, great, I am impressed with you. Don't stop there. Go on and finish.
You know what men have that we don't have enough of, Power. Power! With education and intelligence, you can gain power. That is more important than men wanting you beause they think you are sexy. Turn it around, if you have power and money, you can want them just because they are sexy, and no matter what else they have to offer. Because you won't need them for anything.
I know you say that if the relationship turns out to be short lived, and only for sex, then you could handle that. I have my doubts about that....but I know what it is like to be drawn to that irresistable flame. But if you learn from the experience, then I guess it will not be a loss. And I expect you are on some kind of birth control right??????? I will never say, GO FOR IT GIRL, you deserve to be as free and enjoy your sexuality as much as men do, with no consequences. But (and that is another thing that has NOT changed) There are consequences and they are always for the woman. A woman will not turn down a man for marriage just because he has had a lot of bed partners. But a man will. I don't care who the guy is and how much he loves you. In fact especially if he loves you, or wants to feel comfortable about falling in love with you. He is going to ask...how many men have you been to bed with. (I just tell guys it's none of their business...that's because I am 52, and I don't need them for anything, and if they don't like my answer, there is the door. ) But a 19 or 20 or 25, it would have been nice to say a very low number. Look I know this sounds stupid, but let me say this one last thing.
My heart broke for Monica Lewinsky who was used by President Bill Clinton. Can you imagine....catching the eye of the most powerful man on earth. Before long, in her mind she had them married with her having his baby. Did you think for a second that he was going to divorce Hillary (one of the most powerful women in the world) and marry that young girl? No I am sure that you did not. But the point is that Monica did. And not because he told her that, she just made that all up in her mind.
She figured she had him just because he was young. She wasn't reading the non-verbal messages that he was sending, which were "I only want to have sex with you". She was too "starry eyed" to see it. And see,Rhanda you already think that "MAYBE, JUST MAYBE.....his marriage broke up on account of me". Really Rhanda? Please don't think that, marriages do not break up that easy. His marriage may have broken up because he is womanizer. May be his wife had just had it. And had I known that he was married, I would have added more info in my first letter. Namely this.I have been married and divorced twice. Both husbands were from HELL. My poor choices. I know. But they went out looking for new mates, and I think they both succeeded. But my point is, they certainly did not tell prospective girlfriends that I dumped them because they were womanizers, or lazy, or mean or abused me. No of course they did not volunteer that info, nor did they volunteer my phone number. That is part of the problem. Women settle for bad behavior in men. So they have no incentive to behave better. One girl's misery is another girl's treasure, for a while anyway.
There are some wonderful men out there. And I cannot say for sure that your professor is not one of them. But he does know that it is against the rules for him make himself more "approachable" to you. He certainly does know that, and it is true. The fact that he is willing to jeopardize his job for a possible date with you, does make the situation "romantic and more exciting because it is forbidden". It also means that you will have a much bigger hole to climb out of.
At least wait until you are no longer his student. Give it more time. Just to be sure what his intentions towards you are. If they are just for sex, he will get tired of waiting and go on to another student. Hey wouldn't that bother you. If the relationship turned out to be just for sex, and a week later you catch him flirting with another student? Rhanda, men do that all the time. I hope this helps and sorry I went on so.....
Yes I would like to read your poem, you can email to me at michele@personaladvicecolumn.com
We can correspond from that email if you like.
Michele
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