Dear Readers:
I think my life experience is what qualifies me to write this column. I made every mistake imaginable. But have learned from them. Most important I still remember what it was like to be 12, 13, 14, 15, and so on. Currently I am a single mom, I have two wonderful boys. One in college. We are all happy emotionally. We love life, and know that you can too. I try to be the kind of parent that understands. I know that I can help you to understand where you parents are coming from, and help you get over the difficulties of being young. You can even have your parents write to me and I will help them to get over their fears and at least respect you and your feelings. I have been married and divorced twice, so I have experience in that field also. But now I own my own home, and my own business and am successful. Lots of luck to you! Hope to hear from you.
Website: Ask Michele
E-mail: cobweb2@comcast.net
Gender: Female
Location: Connecticut
Occupation: accountant, internet marketing, creative writing
Age: 56
Member Since: March 22, 2005
Answers: 1331
Last Update: June 20, 2010
Visitors: 84169
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I'm sorry if this is long but i'm really lost and I need help. I've been doing drugs off and on since july tenth. About a month ago i got stoned and i somehow ended up her. to be honest i'm still not really sure where i am. i got involved in a lot of stupid shit and i've been staying here with this lady who sorta helps me i guess you could say but i need to get out of here. I know i have a friend who would let me stay with her but i feel so bad i feel so guilty for just leaving like i did. and i'm not even realy sure if she would let me stay with her. i can't go home though my mom gets with any guy she sees and most of them are dirty freaks who rape and beat me while she sits there stoned or drunk on the couch...i really don't know what to do i'm soo scared of going back but i'm even more scared of staying here it's just as bad here as it is there. i'm just sure if she'll let me stay with her after all i've done after what i've become i'm not even sure if i can stop everytime i try i get sick i might even be preg and every five minutes i'm trying to figure out a way to get a hit. I'm really messed up and confused. what should i do? should i call my friend or find another to handle this? please help me (link)
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HI honey,
You are in a mess. You are following in your mothers footstep. It is certainly understandable, because she taught you to act that way by her actions. She couldn't stay off drugs or away from men long enough to be a mother to you, and now you have learned from her behavior. It is kinda of like, why should you be good, when she can't be bothered. YOur life is awful, and while it is not your fault, only you can change it. And it won't be easy. Expect it to be hard, but it will be worth it. I believe that you are worth it. But if you are ready to take that step and take control of your life, I know that there is help out there. Where do you live? Do you live near any big cities? There is a non profit organization called Covenant House, they take in runaway kids. The only rule is that you can't take drugs, once you are in. You can live there, go to school there, and grow up to be in control of your life. They have an phone number that is easy to remember and it's free to call. it is 800-999-9999. And it is available 24 hours a day. They may know of a shelter or someplace that you can go to in the city where you live. THey do have shelters in many of the large cities in the US. I think they will even help you if you are pregnant.
If that is not an option, well your old friend may be willing to take you in again, but only if you agree to stay clean. But if she can't help you stay clean, you may need for guidance than that. Please try the covenant house. They also have a web page. www.covenanthouse.org
GOd Bless you, and I hope you find the courage to change your life. Don't let the mistakes of your parents ruin your life. You didn't choose your parents, and you did nothing to deserve it, but unfortunately, only you can change it. I am sorry.
Michel
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well there is this boy that lives up the street from me and i like him alot and i really want to get to know him... but i am not sure how tho... i want to meet him and get to really know him becuz he seems real nice and cool but i dont want to be obviouse that i am in to him. please help me!!
(link)
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Well, what does he like to do? Where does he go? Do you know where he hangs out? Does he have a job, that you could stop by, sort of by accident? It is possible for you to show up somewhere, where you know he will be, but you'll be the ONLY person there that he knows, and so it would be just natural for him to come over and say hi, or for you to go over to him and say hi. It could all start from that. And try to be interesting, AND most important, very interested in him. Ask him a lot of questions, boys love to talk about themselves.
Michele
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i've been having these dreams, about breaking up with my bf. and i know i never want to do that. i love him with all my heart. then i have other dreams where hes cheating on me. i cant help but let these dreams get to me b/c its not what i want. i see him once every couple weeks and i miss him terribly, and i know some of you might say "maybe you dont want a long distance relationship" but thats not it. we've been together for a while and yes i dont like it but i would never break up with him b/c of that. hes too important to me. i dont know whats going on but i want these dreams to stop but i dont know how. and i refuse to break up with my b/f. i would literaly die first. please help. thanks. (link)
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Hello,
Dreams are usually a manifestation of what we think about during the day. You must be worried about all these things coming true, and so you dream about them. Understanding that is key, I know some people who say, once they understand the reasons for the dreams they are able to control the outcome. I have never tried it, so I can't tell you how to do that, but maybe it is just matter of telling yourself that you are going to have a good dream. Or maybe spend some time daydreaming about the two of your getting married, or something simple like going on a picnic, and maybe you'll dream about that.
I hope this helped.
Michele
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I'm 19/f and I have horrible dark undereye circles. I think it's genetic (all the women in our family have it) and I was wondering if there was any natural way to decrease the severe dark color under my eyes without using makeup to cover it? Right now I cover it up with a light foundation (haven't found any concealers to my liking) and it works well for the most part, but the circles are still visible. Any remedies, ideas, suggestions...? Thanks! (link)
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Well, since you are 19, you must have income, so try this website, it has the best in skin care products. much better than you would find at CVS or RiteAid. Skinstore.com
Search on dark circle, and see what comes up
Michele
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Alright me and my girlfriend have been going out for 8 months now and just recently for the second time we are on a break. Well every time this happen she it seems like she goes and tries to find someone to go out with i dont know what to do about it she keeps telling me she wants to get back together but know i just don't know what to do. By the way im 17 and a junior and she is 16 and a sophmore. what i am asking is what should i do. should i forget about her or should i do something. please could someone give me some advise!!! (link)
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It sounds like your girlfriend can't stand to be alone Being with someone is more important to her than being faithful to you. Would you do that to her? I guess not. So you need to find someone who shares the same values that you have in order to be really happy. It would never recommend staying with someone who can't be alone, they are too needy and will wear you out.
Michele
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I am trying to do scholarships to get money for collage because my parents dont have the money so if anyone can give me incit (im not good at spelling so please excuse that) o if you were reading a paper what you would want to know. I have the question about black rhinos. Im the presiden of the Nation of Zambezia and the poaching is out of control, what would you do to help the problem and why. Now i dont want people to do the essay for (like anyone would do that anyways) but if you know good sites/ books mags ect could you please give me the title and if you were reading an essay on the topic what would u like to see in the story (past attempts on helping the situations or how close they are to being extinct ect) any infromation will be welcome. thanx a million and sorry for it being so long. (link)
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To get info on Black Rhinos try the National Geographic Web Site. Also for more info on scholarships, try fastweb.com you can go there and enter your statistics and search for scholarships that you are eligible for, FOR FREE. Maybe you are already there, I don't know, but if not, give it a try.
Michele
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My heels on my feet are seriously cracked and dry. Its disgusting. How can I make my feet smooth for summer? Are there any lotions/treatmants you recommend? (link)
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Well you can get pure lanolin at the pharmacy. It is made from lambs wool It is pure fat, but the way to use it is to slather it on, and then put heavy socks on,and wear them to bed. Vitamin E also works, and use the socks with the vitamin the same way. A moisturizer with shea butter or avocado oil will work well during the day to keep them smooth and soft. You may also have to use an exfoliant or pumice stone, to get the dead skin off, before moisurizing.
Michele.
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Is there anyway you can make your hair shinier and thicker? any special shamppo or vitamins? also fro your boobs and butt? thanks alot! (link)
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The vitamin that makes your thicker and more manageble is Silca from the herb called Horse Tail, I use it and I Love it. The shampoo called Mane and Tail, also contains silica or Horse Tail. It is very inexpensive, and works fast. You'll notice a difference in the first week. And also it is safe to take, I have been taking it for a year now.
Michele
You can get silica also known as the herb Horse Tail, at any health food store, or over the internet. Just type in horse tail supplements and dozens of sites will come up that want to sell you some.
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This is probably weird for a 16 year old but here it goes.... I am always sooo worried of being kidnapped....I hate going to bed sometimes because I get kind of scared. Also, my grandma is turning 71 this year (the age her mom was when she died).. her mom died from Ovarion Cancer and it's not hereditary or anything, but I'm just scared. Also, worried about people in my family ecspecially my mom, dying. Is there any way I can get over this annoying pain? Thanks and please help! (link)
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Hi honey, thanks for writing. Well some people say life is a roll of the dice, you never know what you are going to get. I understand why you are worrying Sooooo many things can go wrong, and some really terrible things like being kidnapped. But you can take steps to minimize the chances. Are the doors all locked at night, are you never home alone? If any stranger even comes near you scream, scream, scream. They don't like attention. I am guessing that your grandmother and mother care about you very much and also take precautions. Like I did with my boys. Kidnappers look for kids whose parents don't care about them. They usually watch a neighbor hood for a while and they can pick out the kids who have too much freedom. Whose parents aren't always looking for them, or who want to know where they are at all times. The parents who go out at night and leave their kids home alone. If none of that is happening, then you have less of a chance of being kidnapped that other kids who do live like that. Be smart, kidnappers don't like smart kids, because they know they can't fool them. Don't ever beleive it if someone comes up to you and says, "You're mother sent me, she has had an accident, you need to come with me" And stuff like that.
Now as far as your mom or your grandmother dying, well, are they healthy, do they eat a healthy diet, do they smoke, drink too much? Are they bad drives, do they take chances with their lives? If not that is a very good thing. I think you just love them so much you know you would miss them if something happened. And that is normal. And honey, our memories of our loved ones is what keeps them alive for us. I wish I would miss my mom, if something happened to her, but I wouldn't because she was not a nice mother, or very good to me. I wouldn't miss her at all. you are lucky that you have a grandmother and mother that are worth worrying about. Now let me end wit this quote, I hope you understand it.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, but a brave man only dies once.
It means that in reality, we all ONLY DIE ONCE. but if we are cowards and afraid to live, we think we die or are about to die, and worry about dying all the time....instead of living.
Nothing in this world would have been accomplished if we all worried about dying. The guy who invented the computer for instance, or the TV or the cell phone. If he or she was constantly worried about dying, or his/her loved ones dying, they would not have had time to think about inventing something great. I know that you are a smart girl, and while your folks appreciate your concern, they don't want you to limit your life worrying about things that you have on control over. Fix the things you can, about being safe and stuff, and taking care of your health, and forget the things you can do nothing about.
So let me ask you this, when your mom tells you that NO you can't go somewhere because she knows that it is not a safe place for a girl your age to be, without an adult present, you're going to listen and not give her a hard time, right?
God bless you and good luck.
Your mom is lucky to have you.
Michele
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im back with my boyfriend james, we went out for 9 months and broke up a month ago but now we're goin out again, he cheated on me with my bestfriend and this really dirty chick. but i coudlnt help the things he says to me hes so nice. is it wrong that im back with him? this boy scotty who has been my friend always was so mad and punched him in the face when he saw me cryin when i found out. he said hed never treat a girl like that and if he does it again he'll rip him apart because he loves me.. he told me he has major feelings too and i think i like him, what should i do (link)
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I am sure he said those nice things to your best friend, just to get her in bed, and now it is working with you. Do you want a guy who says nice things, but does shitty things? Scotty sounds like a much nicer guy to me. But I know, we girls always want the bad guys. Until we get, and we marry them, and then they make our lives miserable, and then we long for guys like Scotty, and we look at the girls who did marry the nice guys (that we though were boring!!) and they have nice lives, and nice homes, and a husband who works hard to suppor them, and adores them. And it's too late for us.
So just keep going with James if you want to end up like that.
Michele
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for history class i have to do a poster about racism, but i need solutions. can you think of any solutions to end racism? (link)
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I think racism starts at home. Kids are not born racists, they learn it from their parents. I really like those radio commercials that I have heard recently...about THE POWER OF ONE WORD. When you hear someone say something racist, and really stupid, you can correct them. Embarass them...for example. I live in Ct, and one city here New Britian, has a large hispanic population. And a friend of mine, her son's car was stolen when he was in New Britain. So when she was telling me, she said a puerto rican had stolen her son's car, and I said, oh, did they catch the guy? and she said, No! and I said, well how do you know he was puerto rican? And she didn't answer, because she realized her statement was stupid and prejudice. So your theme could be THE POWER OF ONE WORD. Or something about taking a loving and careing child and turning them into a racist at home.
How is that!
Michele
Personally I hate racism. It is a good project that you are doing.
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Ok,sorry if this is long. I moved away from my city,call it A to a town/suburb call it B. If i might say,i was friends with almost everyone(in my grade in elementry school and middle school] in my home city, A.But when i moved to B,everything changed. People in B judge you by how you look and they hate you even when they never met you. I have friends,yes,but im not all that pretty and i know people dont like me,people that i dont even no hate me. I hate it,i dont hate anyone or talk about people behind there backs. People in A are so much nicer but ever since i moved,i get sadder and sadder every day. I know its stupid but i really cant handle it! I know at least some people will hate you were ever you go but im just not used to this change. Im not all that outgoing,but could anyone give me advice for my situation please? (link)
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I know how you feel. I think it is terrible when parents move and make their kids change schools. Especially at your age. It is never easy. It is something that you will always remember as being a hard time in your life. But, I hope you can hang in there. Things will change, and things will get better. When you look at adults today, probably about half of them have been through this. And while none of them have good memories of it. It did get better, and well they grew up alright. You sound like a very smart girl, and not self centered at all. In time, real people, not phonies, will make friends with you. And one really good, close friend is all you need. Can you see a girl in school who is not the most popular.....maybe you can approach her and make friends with her. (I'm assuming your a girl)
You do have a computer, do you stay in touch with your old friends that way? That can help Do you parents bring you to visit them, or have them over for weekends. That can help also.
I hope time passes by quickly for you. And by summer, you will have some new friends and new things to do.
Michele
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here's my problem..i've had this HUGE crush (i dont even like calling it a crush, i think i love him..but no one thinks it's possible so whatever..)anyway, ive had this huge crush on a guy fro about 8 years (i've known him all my life) but we're not really tight friends. (thats not my problem) The thing is, i've never tried to hit on the guy or anything cuz i wanted to respect his GF and all..They've been together 7 years (since 4th grade)and during all this time i've liked him..and i know he really loves her, but they just broke up 3 weeks ago, im gonna let him get over her cuz i know he needs time (c'mon it wa 7 years!!) but then after that? will i ever be able to replave his first love, his gf of 7 years? its gonna be terrible he's gonna be comparing me with her..and i cant compete with her and what they had. What am i going to do? When he first gottogether with her i decided to get over him..and i've been trying ever since..but it didnt work =( seven years later, here i am, still in love with him..so please dont tell me to get ver him! it wont work..please help me, please!! (link)
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Well if there are broken up, then he is fair game. There is no reason not to consider getting to know him better. The possibilites are greater now then they were when he was going with her. As far as being compared to her, or him dating you on the rebound, or just using you to make her jealous. Well, all of those are possibilities, and you are aware of it, because you mentioned them. While you may lead with your heart, you need to pay real close attention, to his actions, if your gut tells you that is all it is, then break it off. Try being friends first. Find out what kind of girl makes him happy. I won't agree that you can't compare to his girlfriend, but if you think so, let me say this. It is not for looks alone that men fall in love, they want attention, they want to be told they are special, they want to feel special. If he rocks your world and you let him know that, that can be more appealing that a beautiful girl who thinks only of herself.
But go slow at first, to be sure that he is interested in getting to know you better, and not just getting back at his old girlfriend.
Hope it works out for you
Michele
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ok, so this is the deal..i met this wonderful guy this summer, but he has a GF. Anyway, we spent 6 weeks together and we made out, held hand and all that (IT WAS WONDERFUL!) please dont tell me what i did was wrong, i know it was but i dont care cuz i love him, i really do. And he's told me that he loves me too. We made a deal yesterday (he's been with his GF for about 2 years, and he says he loves her too) he said, he doesnt want to cheat on her anymore cuz he loves her but if the feeling is right-something could happen between us this summer. And i was like: what do you mean? and he asnwered: well, im gonna have my place all to my self this summer soo..who knows what could happen between us!? ;) anyway, i live in japan and he lives in america so we only see eachother during the summer. Hmm, id ont really know what my question is..im just so cofused..i love him so much, and i miss him..i really dont give a damn about his GF (i know i sound like an evil person, but i really really really love him, i cant help i.)Is there anything i can do to get over him? should i even try to get over him? should i sleep with him? (he's 18 and im 14) what's gonna happen between us? ( sorry, i know you cant answer that question) he's just so amazing i dont know what to do. Alot of guys like me here in japan, but i dont like anyone of them im just soo stuck on joshua.
Help! please?- mariana (link)
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Dear mariana,
No honey, I don't think you are evil. You are not the one cheating, He is the one with a GF, so he is the evil one. Mariana, you are such a long way away from each other. Even if you both loved each other equally, it will be a long time before you can be together. You have many years before you are able to be on your own. He is already a young man and has to start making decisions on what he is going to do with his life, and unless moving to JAPAN is one of his goals, I don;t think he has future plans for you, other than this summer. Now about this summer. Well I guess you two are going to be along together at some time or another, and I know that he will want to have sex with you. I would advise you not to do that. He is not going to love you. He is too young and too full of himself to think about being in love and in a committed relationship right now. (but that is normal for boys his age) He is not thinking about your feelings, he is thinking about what he feels in his pants. Please do everything in your power to not be alone with him. If you go to bed with him, and then never see him again, will be be hurt, will you be devastated, will you cry for the rest of the summer. I know that I would. Just try this. Be friends, but don't go to bed with him for the first few weeks. (no matter how much you miss him) If he really likes you and cares about your feelings, he will respect your wishes and wait. But if he turns and finds someone else who is more willing, then he was only thinking about himself, not you. Then please let him go.
Then there is the other thing, the age difference. In the US, it is illegal, in every state, for an 18 year old man, (and he is a man in the eyes of the law) to have sexual relations with a girl under 16. He should know this, but he may not care, and he will pay the price. He will be arrested and branded as a sex offender for the rest of his life. And it won't matter that you were willing...he can be arrested anyway. And if you parents find out, they can press charges. You don't say whether or not you will be with your parents this summer, but let me tell you this. It is not something you can hide from parents. If they care about you , they will be able to tell, and especially if he breaks your heart, and you are upset.
I know it is no fun to be good. The heart wants what it wants, but I promise you, you will regret it if you follow through with your plans.
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I used to live with my brother but now i have to live with my other brother and he's constantly drinking and hitting me i don't know what to do if i go to the police then i'll end up in a home again and i don't want to go back to one of those places and if i run away then i'll end up on the street again and that's no good either, but i can't stay here it's getting harder and harder to deal with him and he keeps trying to rape me what can i do? (link)
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Can you go back and live with your other bother? I also need to know how old you are and what state you live in.
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I wrote to you before about my girlfriend and her situation with her father. I talked to her in private and she told me that he did beat her and that he also raped her. She said that she's afraid to tell anyone else though because he told her that if she did say anything that no one would believe her and he would kill her. I didn't know this but the other times when I convinced her to go for help he beat her severly after it, so she's really afraid now. Even if he is arrested he has a lot of money so he can just bail himself out and then hurt her more. She's out of the hospital now and she's been staying with me but he threatened to call the cops on her for running away if she doesn't go home and I can't let her go back with him. She's really weak right now I've got her to start eating and she hasn't done any drugs or drank since she's been here but she's still weak and I don't think that her body could handle it if he hurt her again. If he hits her and I see it could I hit him because she can't defend herself or would that be illegal for me to do?
I want to thank you for giving me advice before I was ready to kill him and now I'm glad that I didn't because I was able to at least protect her from getting beat for a while. Thank you.
Tom (link)
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Tom, I am glad that you wrote back. How old is your girl friend? I am sure that if she stands up to him, he can get him arrested, and yes he can bail himself out, but she can get a restraining order against him. But it is only a piece of paper. And with the restraining order, she cannot live with him, the question is where will she go. If she is a minor, they may put her in foster care. While I don't think she will be in danger there, she is so weak, and so depressed, she won't get stronger there either. does she have a female relative that she can go live with. This is Key. Can your mother take her in, and become her guardian. Or are you over 18. It seems to me that if she is 16 or older and she tells them that he beat her and raped her, they will have to believe her, and if she says she wants to stay with you and your parents and your parents are OK with that, that may be alright too, but if she is 13, or 14, the authorities may not take into consideration, her preferences, and just get her away from her father. But once that does happen, she has to get strong, She has to stand up for herself. It has to come from her, it can't come from you. Yes you can defend her if he tries to hurt her in front of you, and if you come out of it with a fat lip, all the better. There is the evidence they need to arrest him for assault on you. Which actually will get him in more trouble than assaulting her, (as you both know by now) Her dad can force the issue into court where she will be exected to say in front of the judge and court and HIM, that yes he did beat her and he did rape her, and if she backs out, they will take his word for it that she is just a problem teen, and give her back to him. THE ONLY WAY SHE WILL BE FREE OF HIM, IS TO STAND UP TO HIM IN COURT. I only hope for both your sakes, that she is old enought to stay with some relatives or you and your family, and not spend the next three or four years in foster care. It would just add more problems on top of the ones her dad has already given her.
It is good that he is staying away from her for now, and he know that she is at your house and he hasn't done anything yet, but he is thinking and planning. He wants her back. You have your work cut out for you. You have to be strong for her, and supportive, but you also have to give her strenght.
God bless you. I hope you both survive this.
Michele
I'll keep checking back to see if you have written again
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Sometimes I think that dancing rules my life. I take a very rigid, strict class where everything must be "just so" and I can't do anything when I want to. One day when my friend tied a friendship bracelet around my wrist, my dance teacher saw it and personally cut it off my wrist so I wouldn't wear it again. Also, when I want to try a sport like soccer or basketball, my dance teacher is the one who refuses to let me, saying that I will twist something or break something and I wouldn't be able to dance. My parents just stand around saying "Listen to what she says, dear. Listen." Now I really want to get some gentle highlights in my hair and my parents said yes at first, but they changed their minds when my dance teacher said no. What do I do? (link)
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I agree that your dance teacher is very strick, but let me ask you this.....what does she see in you? She may be so impressed with your ability to become one of the best dancers in the world, that she thinks THAT should be your only goal. And while that may be her dream, it may not be yours. If it is, then you should listen to her because she will help you to achieve that goal, but if you don't have those capabilities then maybe she is just a control freak, and you have to try to get your parents to see that. Seems like they are relinquishing their parenting duties to her. They should be parenting you. If they agree with her methods, then you are at least entitled to an explanation.
I hope this helps
Michele
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H3Y even though this question is long please don't pass it over I need help.
Im almost fourteen and my nine seventeen year old brother died about a week ago. I don't want to talk about it and my parents are trying to force me into it. I don't want to talk sometimes, I just want to forget. But theres something inside me that wont let me and thats when I get either angry or sad, but I never find myself in tears. I havn't cried since I found out he was dead. Those were tears of shock. If you were in the middle of an algerbra test and got pulled out just to be told your big brother was hit by a car you would probably cry too. I can't take this anymore. Sometimes I just want to turn him into some distant memory, and other times I want to remember him. People tell me to remember all the good times we had, but that just makes me even more sad to know that we won't ever have those times again. My parents arn't helping either. They're wanting to have another baby. They want to replace him. Plus they have allready started turning his old room into a study for my dad. MY twenty year old sister does nothing but cry and therefore gets all the sympathy. I dont ever cry so people think I dont care, but I probably care more than anybody. I know even though he's dead but not gone it still doesn't help me. I find myself always asking "What if." I can't stand "What ifs" But the one question that I have always promised I'd never ask myself is "Why me" Then I realized I shouldn't be asking why me. I wasnt the one that died. So now I am despising my sister for her constant mourning, because she's not crying for Bryson, she's crying for herself. All I need to know is that if I force myself into crying if it will make the pain go away. And if it won't how can I stop hating the world around me. Because now I'm starting to hate myself. I'm afraid to love or trust anybody again and I can't do it alone. (link)
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Dear sister,
I am sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves in their own way. And it all takes time. Though I can't believe that your parents are changing his room over already! No crying won't make you feel better, because some people cry over the loss of a loved one every day. But your family as a whole is not taking it well, there should be some family mourning, and some private mouring for each of you. YOu will always have a pang of greif or regret each time you think of your brother. But in time you will think of him less and less. In fact, the first day that goes by where you don't think of him, you will surprise yourself. But your memories are important, because your brother needs to live on through all your memories. The best thing you can do is honor his memory. Never speak ill of the dead they say, that it is for good reason. Your parents are not handling it well, if you don't have to imitate them. But if you learn nothing else, then learn that life can be brief, so please make the most of your life. Don't waste it. Because everyone on the other side, would be happy to trade places with you. I do believe that things happen for a reason, but the reasons are not always easy to figure out.
You keep up the good work. You mourn in your own way. You did not do anything wrong, and you don't have to mourn in the way other people expect you to.
Take care
Michele
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ok my parents rele fight alot!!!wen i try to go to bed (well atleast try)there always yelling.i've tryed to break it up and talk it out but they yell more!!wat do i do??
sighned,
janice05 (link)
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WEll, if your brave, try this. THis works great with kids.
First, approach them in the AM, when they are not actually fighting, the tell them you love them both very much, then tell them that they kept you up again last night with their fighting, and that you are REALLY DISSAPOINTED IN THEM. (They should look down at the floor at this point) Then say I THOUGHT PARENTS WERE SUPPOSED TO SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR THEIR KIDS. I DON'T THINK YOU GUYS ARE GIVIN ME A GOOD EXAMPLE OF WHAT MARRIED LIFE IS LIKE. DO YOU WANT ME AND MY HUSBAND TO FIGHT LIKE THIS WHEN WERE MARRIED? And if it seems they are listening, YOU KNOW I HEARD A DR PHIL ON OPRAH SAY THAT COUPLES CAN LEARN TO FIGHT FAIR, IS THERE A WAY YOU GUYS CAN LEARN HOW TO DO THAT? I HEAR IT INVOLVES A LOT LESS YELLING AND MUCH MORE RESOLUTION. And now if they are still listening, (with their eyes wide open and their jaws dropped open) say I wish you guys would do that because like I said, I love you both, and want us all to stay together.
Well I hope that helped.
MIchele
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i've never done this kind of thing before so i'm not really sure how it works but i saw your column thing and i noticed that you're an adult and you have kids so you will probably know more about this than the other people on this site wil...ok, so my dad kinda drinks a lot and sometimes when he's drunk he'll get mad at me i know that i've done something to make him mad and i deserve it when he yells at me and when he hits me and stuff but i don't know what i did. i guess i wanna ask you if you were mad at your kids how could they make you not be mad at them anymore? (link)
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Hi Honey, I am sorry that you have to go through this. The problem lies not with you, but with your dad and his drinking, but you are stuck dealing with it. Drinking too much, or to excess, (and how much is too much is different for everyong) causes humans to forget what they are doing, forget what they are thinking, get angry for no reason, and then act very very very unreasonable. 75% of all acts of domestic violence out there, are due to alcohol consumption. Or committed while the person is drunk, that is the person doing the hitting. IT is not OK. What I have found is that while these people (in this case your date) are drunk, they usually pick on someone they can take, like their wife, or their kids. I mean you don't see them going out to bars and picking on the bouncers, (although this does happen) it is more often on people weaker then them, because they can get away with it. You did not do anything wrong. And I am sorry, but there is nothing you can do to stop him from getting angry when he is drinking. Alcoholics get angry when they are drunk. Sometimes it is because they are mad at themselves because they are drunk again!, but they take it out on the people who are close to them.
I don't know how strong you are, and I don't know if you are a girl or a guy. Can you talk to your mom about this. Maybe not. It might make things worse. Can you talk to your dad when he is not drinking and say. Dad, I don't know why you get so angry with me, I don't know what I did, it seems to happen a lot when you are drinking,...I mean I don't want you to be dissapointed in me, and I really want to stop doing what makes you angry, so if you could just let me know, I'll stop.
Deep inside, he knows that you have done nothing wrong, but this sentence puts the blame on you, while it mentions the drinking, and gives him an out to save face and come to the realization that he is harming you. He may not even remember what he does when he is drinking. This is very common. Drunks often don't remember what they did when they were drinking. Many times they wake up feeling guilty but they don't know why. This statement will let him know that he is not acting like a father towards you when he is drinking and while he may not remember, YOU DO, and you are very nicely asking for it to stop.
Now you also don't tell me how old you are, so I don't know for how much longer you have to put up with this, if he does not change. I had similar parents, but in my house it was my mother, and while she didn't hit me, she was angry all the time. I did not know how to deal with it, but I left home at 18, and never went back. I mean I visit, but I don't live there. The worse part is that even though I got away, it affected me for years, because like you, I wondered what I was doing to make her angry. I did not find out until I was in my 30's that it was she who had the problem, not me. It changed my life. So if you learn nothing else from my reponse, please remember this. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG, IT DOESN'S MATTER WHAT YOU DO, AS LONG AS YOUR FATHER IS DRINKING, HE IS GOING TO BE GETTING ANGRY AT SOMETHING OR SOMEONE. If you can remove yourself from the picture then do so, If you can get him to just stop picking on you then that is a step in the right direction. If you know an adult that you can talk to about it, if you could go to Al-Anon meetings, you will meet kids just like yourself who thought they were the problem because that is what their parent(s) told them. If you can't get to meetings then do you like to read. There is a great book out called Toxic Parents. It is not expensive. There are lots of books from Al-Anon and Al-Ateen. Also if your father is really hurting you, you have to tell someone before really does damage. He is damaging your personality by behaving in this way. Please, one thing you must remember. When you are a grown up, a father, and you have kids, your first reaction will be to act like your father because that is all you know. Be sure you get help or read alot about how not to act like him. We all learn what we grow up with whether we like it or not. As many times as we say when we are young, to ourselves,after we have been hurt, that we will "never treat our own kids that way" ....it is in fact what we do. I did not get the help I needed until after my kids were born. Because it was after they were born that I realized I was becoming more and more like my mom. Even though I left home at 18 to get away from her, I had to re-learn how to be a kind and gentle and patient and understanding and nurturing mom.
I hope this helps. Please write again if you like.
MIchele
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