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i've never done this kind of thing before so i'm not really sure how it works but i saw your column thing and i noticed that you're an adult and you have kids so you will probably know more about this than the other people on this site wil...ok, so my dad kinda drinks a lot and sometimes when he's drunk he'll get mad at me i know that i've done something to make him mad and i deserve it when he yells at me and when he hits me and stuff but i don't know what i did. i guess i wanna ask you if you were mad at your kids how could they make you not be mad at them anymore?
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Hi Honey, I am sorry that you have to go through this. The problem lies not with you, but with your dad and his drinking, but you are stuck dealing with it. Drinking too much, or to excess, (and how much is too much is different for everyong) causes humans to forget what they are doing, forget what they are thinking, get angry for no reason, and then act very very very unreasonable. 75% of all acts of domestic violence out there, are due to alcohol consumption. Or committed while the person is drunk, that is the person doing the hitting. IT is not OK. What I have found is that while these people (in this case your date) are drunk, they usually pick on someone they can take, like their wife, or their kids. I mean you don't see them going out to bars and picking on the bouncers, (although this does happen) it is more often on people weaker then them, because they can get away with it. You did not do anything wrong. And I am sorry, but there is nothing you can do to stop him from getting angry when he is drinking. Alcoholics get angry when they are drunk. Sometimes it is because they are mad at themselves because they are drunk again!, but they take it out on the people who are close to them.
I don't know how strong you are, and I don't know if you are a girl or a guy. Can you talk to your mom about this. Maybe not. It might make things worse. Can you talk to your dad when he is not drinking and say. Dad, I don't know why you get so angry with me, I don't know what I did, it seems to happen a lot when you are drinking,...I mean I don't want you to be dissapointed in me, and I really want to stop doing what makes you angry, so if you could just let me know, I'll stop.
Deep inside, he knows that you have done nothing wrong, but this sentence puts the blame on you, while it mentions the drinking, and gives him an out to save face and come to the realization that he is harming you. He may not even remember what he does when he is drinking. This is very common. Drunks often don't remember what they did when they were drinking. Many times they wake up feeling guilty but they don't know why. This statement will let him know that he is not acting like a father towards you when he is drinking and while he may not remember, YOU DO, and you are very nicely asking for it to stop.
Now you also don't tell me how old you are, so I don't know for how much longer you have to put up with this, if he does not change. I had similar parents, but in my house it was my mother, and while she didn't hit me, she was angry all the time. I did not know how to deal with it, but I left home at 18, and never went back. I mean I visit, but I don't live there. The worse part is that even though I got away, it affected me for years, because like you, I wondered what I was doing to make her angry. I did not find out until I was in my 30's that it was she who had the problem, not me. It changed my life. So if you learn nothing else from my reponse, please remember this. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG, IT DOESN'S MATTER WHAT YOU DO, AS LONG AS YOUR FATHER IS DRINKING, HE IS GOING TO BE GETTING ANGRY AT SOMETHING OR SOMEONE. If you can remove yourself from the picture then do so, If you can get him to just stop picking on you then that is a step in the right direction. If you know an adult that you can talk to about it, if you could go to Al-Anon meetings, you will meet kids just like yourself who thought they were the problem because that is what their parent(s) told them. If you can't get to meetings then do you like to read. There is a great book out called Toxic Parents. It is not expensive. There are lots of books from Al-Anon and Al-Ateen. Also if your father is really hurting you, you have to tell someone before really does damage. He is damaging your personality by behaving in this way. Please, one thing you must remember. When you are a grown up, a father, and you have kids, your first reaction will be to act like your father because that is all you know. Be sure you get help or read alot about how not to act like him. We all learn what we grow up with whether we like it or not. As many times as we say when we are young, to ourselves,after we have been hurt, that we will "never treat our own kids that way" ....it is in fact what we do. I did not get the help I needed until after my kids were born. Because it was after they were born that I realized I was becoming more and more like my mom. Even though I left home at 18 to get away from her, I had to re-learn how to be a kind and gentle and patient and understanding and nurturing mom.
I hope this helps. Please write again if you like.
MIchele
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