Dear Readers:
I think my life experience is what qualifies me to write this column. I made every mistake imaginable. But have learned from them. Most important I still remember what it was like to be 12, 13, 14, 15, and so on. Currently I am a single mom, I have two wonderful boys. One in college. We are all happy emotionally. We love life, and know that you can too. I try to be the kind of parent that understands. I know that I can help you to understand where you parents are coming from, and help you get over the difficulties of being young. You can even have your parents write to me and I will help them to get over their fears and at least respect you and your feelings. I have been married and divorced twice, so I have experience in that field also. But now I own my own home, and my own business and am successful. Lots of luck to you! Hope to hear from you.
Website: Ask Michele
E-mail: cobweb2@comcast.net
Gender: Female
Location: Connecticut
Occupation: accountant, internet marketing, creative writing
Age: 56
Member Since: March 22, 2005
Answers: 1331
Last Update: June 20, 2010
Visitors: 84164
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Every night when I go sleep, I notice tears welling up at the edge of my eyelids for no reason. Its just totally random, I'm not even thinking of anything... Is it possible ,y eyes are just irritated after I've taken my contacts out from wearing them all day? Or is it just another body regulation thing like tapping your leg repeatedly?
(link)
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It could be allergies. If you have a feather pillow, it may be the pillow.
Michele
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I wrote to you before about my two friends with friend #2 being very clingy to Friend #1. Well, at the end of the year we take a special fun trip to Dorney Park, and we all had to pick groups out. Well, of course, in the middle of the class Friend #2 jumps up and squeals, "Ehmegod! I have to be with Friend #1! Okay? I call sitting with her on the bus!" and I just sat there in silence while my best friend, Friend #1, is smiling and talking with Friend #2. Last year when we went to Dorney Park, Friend #2 hadn't moved here yet so we had the best time ever riding the rides, eating lots of ice cream and candy, and playing the sideshow games, and laughing and giggling and altogether having the best time I've ever had in my entire life. Friend #2 thinks she's so funny and so hilarious, but she ends up making fun of people in the process, and Friend #1 has told me before she doesn't appreciate it, so she just smiles lightly and moves on to another topic. I'm truly afraid that I'm going to lose my Friend #1 and have absolutely no fun during this trip with them because of Friend #2's possessiveness and her constant chatter. Is there anything I can do to show Friend #1 that I really do care and that I will always be her best friend before she moves? (link)
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Well it sounds like the trip to the park is not going to be as much fun as you had hoped. I just wonder, this friend #2 is so possesive, what is she going to do when friend #1 moves away. I'll bet she is going to latch on to you. Beware though, you may be lonely when friend #1 moves, but do you want to be with someone so possessive?
I also wonder why friend #1, has taken to her and doesn't see that she is possive. Because she certainly acts possesive.
If you want to show your friend that you will always be her best friend and will miss her when she moves, then any gesture from the heart will be good. Any sincere gesture. And if it comes from your heart, your friend should accept it with as much importance as you want to give it, or she is not a mature young lady and doesn't recognize when someone is being sincere. Can you plan a special sleep over, just for you and her, maybe even before the trip to the park. Maybe your friend will soon tire of the possessive #2 friend and go back to you.
I am sorry that this is happening to you. I know that this can be traumatic and no fun at all. BUt good news is that when young girls grow up, the learn to behave better and value their friendships. My friends and I would never do something like that to each other. I think that if you stay in touch with your friend by computer, when she moves away. You friendship will always be special.
I hope this helped. I hope you have a good day on your trip. Why don't you spend it with someone who wants to be with you. Hey how about a boy, is there a nice boy you can spend the day trip with? That should get them to envy you.
Michele
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Ok, I saw that you've given a lot of advice on this subject so I'm hoping that you can help me.
I used to live with my dad (my parents are divorced) I was with him from age 6 until I was 9 all those three years he would moleste me, rape me, and beat me. I didn't really understand what was happening because I was so young. Well one day my teacher noticed that I couldn't really move because I was in so much pain. They asked me some questions but I was afraid to tell them because I didn't want to get hit again. They knew something was going on and they sent me to go live with my mom. I live with my mom for 4 years and it was exactly the same as living with my dad except this time it was her boyfriends who would rape me and she would just beat me. I started doing drugs when I was 11 and I thought it was the greatest thing in the world. It kept me out of my mom's house and with my friends and I actually felt like I belonged. When I was 13 I ran away from home and things got really bad I got really deep into drugs and I ended somwhere where I had to do things that I regret doing in order to get a fix. I hate the person that I was and I've been trying to straighten out with the help of my friend. Things were going pretty good for a couple months but then social services found out about what was going on and sent me here. I've been to 7 different foster homes in 6 different states and evertime either my foster "brother" or "father" beat me or rape me or both. I'm in one of those places again and I don't know what to do anymore I've been trying soo hard to make things work. I really have.
My question is do you have any idea why this always happens to me? I feel like it's my fault, is it my fault? I'm scared to keep moving around each time it gets worse. Is it normal for me to want to do drugse even though I know it's wrong? And is there any thing in the law that will let me go live with my friend or anywhere where i won't have to go through this??
I'm sorry that this is long but I really need help and I don't know what to do anymore. Please help me. (link)
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Honey, let me say that I am so sorry for your troubles. I could never, never ever treat one of my children that way. None of this is your fault. And I am not surprised that you do drugs, I know that you do them to mask the pain that you feel every day. Drugs numbs you so you don't have to feel. You have been violated by the two people who are supposed to protect you. They violated your trust, and then violated you. You have done nothing wrong. But you do have to get off drugs. If you keep doing drugs then your parents win. If you never heal and get on with your life, then they win.They would rather you be a loser like they are...because that validates their lifestyle. You have use everything you have inside you to fight being like them, and taking drugs. Because your parents are such lousy parents, the state had to take you away from them, but the state does a horendous job of taking care of children. I'll bet that you have been blamed by some people for what has happened to you. And for that reason, some good people may have doubts about your sincerity. I believe you, I wish I could take you in myself. YOu don't say how old you are now, but I know that you are not of legal age until you are 18. So that means foster homes until then. BUt maybe there is one option. Since you have access to a computer go to www.covenanthouse.org They take in runaways. They are located in all the big cities in the US and Mexico. They don't ask questions. They will help everyone that comes to their door. They help kids all the time. To Get their lives back on track, and stay off drugs and go to school, and get an eduction. and some even go on to college. YOu are a very smart girl, I can tell by your writing. You are smarter than most of the kids on this site who can't even spell and are just worried about someone in school talking behind their back. I know you wish that is all that you had to worry about. You can also call Covenant House 24 hours a day. 1800-999-9999. You can call them 24 hours a day, and that is a toll free number. The website gives a map with all of their locations. Maybe there is one near you. Maybe you can get up enought money for a bus ticket and go to the nearest one. Call them and tell them what you told me and ask for help.
Please don't let these awful things that happened to you ruin your adult life. Get help, stay off drugs, and get an education. You are already a strong person for having survived all of this. You can do this. You have it in you.
Please let me know what happens
Michele
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first off im a really good christian.. i love going to church and worshiping and stuff. i love sharing my faith with people. Im baptist raised. Im 14 years old and im a male.
So it all started a long time ago. i dont know when or where or with who exactly but it was like when i was in 5th grade. im in 8th now. but last year in the 7th grade i met the guy.. and we become really good friends. but i started having weird feelings for him that i wasnt sure about. at first i didnt know what it was. as the year went on, the feelings only continued to grow. then i realized what it was... i liked him more than a friend. but it couldnt be, not to me... its totally against my religion, against everything ive been thought by my family. the year ended.. and i was so confused. that summer i started going over to a friends house like everyday. and while in his neighborhood he introduced me to a couple of people there. and the moment i met one of them, hes was going into the 7th grade then, (a year younger than me) i knew i was hooked. i went back everyday that i could to my friends to see him. by this time i was totally giving into my feelings. i couldnt help it. all my life i was told that homosexuals made a choice to be that way. and in the bible it says that homosexualy will not be welcome into the kingdom of heaven. but i didnt make a choice.. it was just liek the feeling when you like someone... well i liked him a lot. the more i got to knnow him the more i liked him. i knew it was wrong, but i didnt care. and then i started looking at guys (mostly younger than me) and thinking they were cute.. and thinking perverted thoughts and stuff. which is a sin. (its lust) and every wednesday at churhc when we would be worshiping i would ignore the calling of god tellimg me that i was wrong, that i had to change. well.. a couple months ago i was fed up with it. i had to change, i prayed about it and it really has gone down a little bit. im not as obsessed as i used to be. but its still there. basically im looking for your view. 2 other pepple know and they are really big helps. really this is just for the christians cuz if you tell me that im wrong in thinking gays are going to hell, im gonna ignore it. because mo matter who right you think you are, your wrong. just tell me what you think. (link)
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Hi son,
I am a christian, and I do not think homosexuality is a sin. God made all of us, and he made gays too. I don't believe that God meant us to hate anything humane as long as no one gets hurt. consenting adults is the key here. I do not like people who abuse children though, but most pedophiles are heterosexual. So. here is my advice. You can't help how you feel, and you can't help who you are attracted to. But you must be strong and ready to be dissapointed because most people do not feel that way, and will not like the attention. This boy you like, you have to be sure that he feels the same way, that he is gay. Until you know for sure, you have to keep it to yourself, and if you find out that he likes girls, then you have to just keep him as a friend. All of us at one time or another, love someone who does not love us back, gay or straight.
You have a lot more to worry about and that is your family. But I don't think you have to worry about God, though you won't find that answer in our christian doctrine, I just want you to know it in your heart. God did not write the bible, man did. Jesus loved everyone. As long as you don't hurt anyone, you are a good person. Just don't go out of your way to get hurt yourself. If you persue this lifestyle, you will make a lot of new friends and good friends, but your family may turn on you. You are too young to think about that now. Actually you are too young to even be having sex. So just be patient, give it some time, and when you are older, persue thelife style that you want. But be safe, you know about the sexually transmitted diseases right? I just don't want you to feel bad for who you are and what you feel. You can't help it. But you do have control over your actions, and you KNOW if you persue this lifestyle NOW, you will be bringing a lot of trouble on yourself. Get an education, become independent, and then persue the life you want. There are some strong christains who are gay, and they have their own churches. They are good christian people. I am sure you can find them on the internet. search on christian gays.
I hope this helps
Michele
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I have been involved with "Louie" for a while now and his family has been going through some really hard times. I have been there for him, and have even help his family to raise money for some of the problems they are having. Once everything settled down, everyone sort of turned on me. I have helped them financially, and emotionly. Now, they are accusing me of stealing money. I have never taken anything from them, and never would. When I was growing up, I was always taught to work for everything, nothing in life comes free. Before this situation "Louie" told me that he loved me and that he would never turn his back on me. I realize now, that he is listening to all the gossip that his family and friends are telling him. He hasn't even given me the chance to tell him how I feel. I live a few houses down from him, and it is very painful to pass by his house, knowing that he is home, and probably talking about me. My family says to just let him go and don't see him anymore, my heart is telling me to run over there and talk to him and straighten out this problem. I haven't seen him in about a week, so I guess I'm listening to my family. My question, should I go and see him and defend myself, or do I just forget him and let it all go? (link)
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Well I think actions speak louder than words. I think you are not being told what the REAL reason is for this sudden change in the behavior of his family. First of all, if the whole thing was innocent, and you were accused in error, "Louie" would give you the chance to clear the air, and his family too, would want to hear your side and give you a chance to exonerate yourself. But it seems they don't want to give you that chance. Even criminals in a court of law, get to explain things. They don't want to hear your answer, because they know you didn't do anystealing. So why are they suddenly turning on you. Well it could be something you did, but if you did something wrong, you would think they would just say, "hey why did you do that, I didn't like that, and I hope you don't do it again". but since they are just making false accusations, and have turned their backs, and won't let you around them any more, including Louie, the problem lies with them. Now what could it be....
are they embarrased that you had to help them, and know too much about their family financial situation?
Do they raise so much money are they afraid you might want some or want to be paid for your help?
You are right when you started in question with the word trust. Trust goes both ways, and if, as you say, you are a trustworthy person, it is hard to understand people who don't trust other people. This is what I think....Louie and his family are juding you by their standards. People who lie, always think everyone else lies. People who cheat always think everyone else cheats, and people who steal, always think everyone else steals, and people who are selfish, always think everyone else is selfish.
And in your case, people who are trustworthy, always treat everyone as if they were trustworthy. But sometimes you find out that is not the case. But you should not change to please them. And as I said they don't want to hear you explanation because deep down inside, they know you didn't do anything wrong. You parents are right, steer clear of him and his family. I know myself, it is the hardest thing to do, to not be able to tell your side. But once you realize that telling your side won't make a bit of difference because in is not the truth that they are interested in.
I hope this helped.
Michele
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what kind of food as iron in it? (link)
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Meat, molasses and Spinach, all have iron. Also soy beans, pumpkins seeds, and most kinds of beans. Meat and molasses have the highest amount. And LIVER, yewww! has the highest, but most people don't like it.
Michele
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I wrote to you a while ago about my husband who beat me and what I should do. Well I went to the police and got a restraining order and he came after me again. He said he was trying to get his son because he didn't feel that he was safe in my custody and then things got violent. He was put in jail but he bailed himself out. I've been staying with my friend and one day he showed up and took my son I couldn't stop him. I fought back as hard as I could but I just couldn't stop him. The police have been looking for days and we still can't find him. They have assured me that when they do find him that he will be thrown in jail immediately for violating the restraining order. I don't care about that now though all that I care about is gettig my son back. I don't think that he would hurt his son but I'm not positive.
I just wanted to let you know how things were going.
~Sarah~ (link)
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HI Sarah,
I am very sorry for your troubles. I went through the same thing. My ex-husband was a weight lifter and I could not stop him from taking my two sons. And I did not have a restraining order the the time, and we were not divorced so the police told me that he had as much right to the kids as I did, but they would arrest him for stealing my car. big help! Well he went on the road with two kids, one a baby still on the bottle, and I don't know where he went, but he put 1,400 miles on my car. after four days he called me because he knew he could not take care of two babies on his own. Of course he made me grovel and beg and plead with him, but he came back. I got my two boys back, and he got arrested. When he got out he went to live with his folks. So there was a stand off. Because of the restraining order he could not ask to come back and live with me. And that was fine with me.
Like you I did not think he would hurt the boys either, and after a few days my four year old started crying for mommy, and there was not much he could do about that except bring him to his mommmy. I hope your son is calling for you.
Today my ex and I still hate each other, but we silently agreed to get along for the sake of the boys. My boys are 15 and 19. They are good kids and well adjusted. They saw both of us every day. He lives not far from here. My ex really scared me, but I stuck it out for the boys. I could have left the state, because in the divorce, because of his stupid move to take them from me, and dissapear, I got FULL Physical CUSTODY. And that is very important. That means that he cannot leave the state or take them out of state for any reason without my permission. He hated it, but he made his bed. His lawyer told him he had better sign the agreement.
So , like I said the first year was very difficult, he tried to intimidate me, and he was mean to me, but while my knees were shaking, I just held my ground. He would not hit me in front of the kids, and he moved in with his parents, and would not hit me in front of them either, because he wanted everyone to think I was the bad guy, so he had to act normal. Eventually he setttled down, and we settled into a pattern of co-parenting. He worked third shift, and I worked during the day, so I dropped the kids off at his house each morning.
I did not want to keep his boys from him, I know that boys need a dad. And this was very generous of me to cooperate in this way, since he never gave me a cent of child support, but it wasn't worth fighting with him for it, because I knew he would put the kids in the middle. I have girl friends whose kids never see their dad, and they have some emotional problems. As the kids got older, they say their father for the jerk he really is, but they love him and that is important I don't stand in the way. I don't ask them to take sides. Our problems were not their problems.
YOu have along way to go before you get to that point. I also beleive your husband won't hurt your child, and your child is really missing you and giving him a hard time. You will hear from them, and grovel if you must to get him back but call the police and let him get arrrested. Don't ever hesitate to get him arrested, each time he crosses the line. It is the only thing that will stop him from doing it again. Legal fees and having to face the judge and look like a fool. My ex also had to go to anger management classes. (didn't help)
Write again and let me know what happens. I can give you some advice too when and if you get around to filing for divorce.
I am praying for both you and your child.
Michele
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i have been diagnoised with low blood sodium to which tere is no treatment except to have a daily intake of a pint and quarter of fluids only.I am concerned as to why all of a sudden i have developed this condition and am not happy to just accept it. (link)
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LOw sodium hyponatremia is common in long distance runners and marathon runners. THey over hydrate themselves during a long distance run, and because they are exerting so much energy, thier sodium levels drop. The extra water they drink contributes to that, and yes, they are advised to limit their intake of fluids. Are you an avid athlete? Do you run or exercise a lot, and drink a lot of water? Or do you sweat a lot?The recommendations that you have been given, seem to agree with what I know about it. restricted fluid intake. Try not to avoid salt in your diet, if you can help it.
Michele
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What are Shingles? (link)
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Shingles is a rash caused by the herpes virus, it can lie dormant in your body for years and years. Stress can bring on a shingles attack. It will usually show up as a rash around your rib cage. It can be very painful. The pain will run through the nerve leading from your behind to the chest area, and around your chest. Sometimes you can feel pain, but see no rash. Most doctors say that you will only have an shingles attack once in your life, but I know people who tell me they have had more than one attack. It is caused by a virus so it cannnot be cured, but doctors can usually prescribe something for the pain. It usually lasts about two weeks. Some say it comes from chicken pox that you may have had as a child, and the virus staying in your system.
Michele
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sorry is this is long but I really need help so please don't skip over it
Ok my parents have been divorced my whole life I don't even know who my dad is. Well my mom has serious problems with finding guys. They usually beat her or cheat on her. I've had about a dozen stepfathers and all of them treat her like shit and she doesn't deserve that. Well my newest stepfather Richie has been with my mother for 2 years now and she is really happy with him. I've never seen my mom this happy before. He is soo nice to her. But the thing is he has a son (my stepbrother) who is constantly hitting me and raping me. I tried talking to my mom about it and she said that she would talk to my stepdad and my stepbrother. She did and then it stopped for a little while but then he did it again and it was even worse than it was before. He had a couple of his friends over and they thought that it would be fun to beat and rape his 14 year old step sister. I talked to my stepdad and he told me to stop making things up. He told my mother that I was making things up and they sent me to a shrink. Needless to say my stepbrother continued to do these things to me. I confronted my mother again and she told me to talk to my stepdad. I did and he told me that I was lying and that even if I wasn't I needed to get over it because we are a happy family and we all have to make sacrifices I told him that that was wrong and he hit me! Now he's been hitting me too when my mom isn't around. I don't know what to do. She is soo happy and she deserves to be. I don't want to ruin this for her. My question is should I just deal with this so that she can be happy or is there anyway that I can get help without ruining this for her? (link)
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Honey, your mother's happiness is not more important than you growing up and having a good life where you are not violated by any man or boy. Sexually or physically. Your mother is a fool, no man is worth her daughter being violated. You said you were seeing a therapist, did you tell the therapist that you were being raped? That therapist was supposed to report that. And if you didn't tell her the truth, how can she help you. ONly telling the truth is going to stop this. Your "step dad" and his son should be arrested. No there is no way to do this without causing your mom pain. But if she were asked the same question.....is there a way I can be with this man, and not cause my daughter pain, her answer should have been no also.
Are you going to let someone do this to your little girl. What if you were only 6 years old when she met this guy. Would it have been ok then for his son to rape you? It is going to turn your life upside down to tell, but I think you should. Because you will go through your whole life with the pain of being violated, and being raped, and being told that you have no right to complain about it, and for not being important enough to your mom, for her to stop it. I can't believe that a mother would do something like to to her own daughter. I am sorry honey, but you have rights too, and because you are young and still growing, your rights are more important than your mother, who needs to learn to get along without a man until she can learn how to choose better.
If you don't get help, you are destined to follow in her footsteps. I really hope you can find the help you need. You may need a safe place to stay, do you have an aunt or grandmother you can stay with? Is your mom really married to this guy? He needs to leave with his son. I hope his son is old enough be arrested for this, because he deserves it.
I am very sorry for you honey, I hope this helps you find the courage you need to go through with this.
Michele
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What things make your face break out or makes you get pimples? (link)
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I am an esthetician so I can help you with that. A hormone called antigen, bacteria and dead skin cells all together cause acne. Now you can't do anything about the hormone, but you can help to alleviate the other two. Use an exfolliating cream or scrub to remove dead skin cells before they clog your pores. Find a mild one and use it daily. If it contains benzoil peroxide, all the better. Then be sure that you keep your hands and stuff off of your face. DO not introduce bacteria to your face, and there is bacteria on everything. Don;t use the same towels on your face that you use to wash your hand, or that everyone else uses. Use a clean towel each time. Keep hands, pens pencils, out of your mouth, Don't chew on fingernails, etc, etc. You cannot cure acne, you can only control it. So you should see improvement in three weeks or so. And oh yes, most of us grow out of it.
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how do you get a boyfriend when your not all that attractive? (link)
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Well, first I want you to get out the newspaper and look at the marriage announcements page. If you live in a big city, those pages should be chock full of pictures of happy couples getting married, and a lot of them are not what kids would consider attractive. Some of them are fat. Or look at couples that are married. Look at couples that are together and happy. Don't look at young kids, to them everyone has to look like britney spears and justin timberlake (I hope they are still popular!) I'm just trying to make a point here. So how did those couples get together?
Well what I know to be true is this. Men are attracted to "confidence" Most kids your age are a little unsure of themselves,but they hide it. But if you have confidence, and you know your value, and you are comfortable in all situations, other kids, will be attracted to you. Sometimes confidence comes with age. The older you get, the smarter you get, and as you become successful in your job, or college, and impress people with your brains, they will be attracted to you. Yes some girls are nothing but beautiful, like Jessica Simpson on TV. But she is dumb, and while she did find one guy who thinks that's cute! and he married her. most men get tired of cute real fast, and this girls beauty cannot hold them.
I know this sounds stupid, but you are not going to be young forever. Teenage years is a very small part of your life. You will live 70 or more years as an adult. That is the time when you need to find a life partner. Some one who looks beyond beauty and wants substance. Men want brains, wittiness, and confidence in their women, and women who are capable of handling themselves in any situation. The best thing you can do right know is get an education. Find something you love to do, and can learn about and have a career in. You will meet men on the same career path, and have something in common with them and then fall in love. I am always amazed when I see married couples who are both anthropologist, and go exploring pyramids together, or vulcanologist, and they explore volcano's together, or photographers and they go on safari's to africa together. That is what makes life great! And most likely those couples did not meet in high school. They met later in life. And have a good solid marriage. That is what you should be working towards so that you don't have a lot of lousy marriages that end in divorce or worse, because you just "had to have a boyfriend" and took the first guy that came along. I hope this makes sense to you, because it does work. So pay attention to your education, find something you lovd to do, something you are passionate about, and the rest will fall in place, all at the righ time.
Michele
PS, I guarantee, confidence will bring you more boyfriends that you'll know what to do with.
M
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I wrote to you before about my girlfriend who's dad beats her. She is 16 by the way. He was arrested and we have a court date but she is really scared about telling the judge what he did to her. She's afraid that he'll got off anyways and then come after her. They put her in a rehab and she's not doing to good. She only weighs 85 pounds. She used to weigh 104. I'm really worried about her. I talk to her everyday and she is soo scared I don't really know what to say to her. She's gone through soo much. I love her with all my heart and I hate seeing her like this. Is there anyway that I could possibly get her out of there? She was doig better when she was staying with me but they keep telling me that she's better off in there. I don't know what to do anymore and I want to help her soo bad. What can I do?
Thank you for all of your help
Tom (link)
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HI Tom,
I have been thinking about you both, and am glad that things are stable now. Tom, she is better off in there, they have the "tools" to help her. She needs to stay off drugs, and she needs to get healthier. It will take time. You are too close and to emotional over her. That is not what she needs right now. She needs to talk to people who are not emotionally attached to the whole issue who can speak to her logically and prepare her for her court date for her future. Which I hope will include you. This does not mean that you two won't be together again in the future. Right now you are a crutch for her, and she needs to stand on her own two feet, with you behind her of course, but there are some things you can't do for her.
She has to start preparing for this court date. If she does not tell the judge, then her father certainly will get off, You have to stress that to her. IT will be worse if he gets off. She has to realize that her father is really JUST A COWARD. Any man who continually abuses someone who is smaller and weaker than they are is just that a coward. It is so good that you guys were able to get him arrested. Is he still in jail, and hope so, and I hope that he is spending his time as some big guys girlfriend so he can know what it is like. Has she opened up to the couselors at the rehab. About what her life was like with this man? The women there can help her. Tom, if she follows the rules there, she will get better. It takes time. You will see her again, and you will be with her again, and things will be better for both of you. But for you two to have a future, Two important things have to happen. She has to, HAS TO, stand up to her dad in court. and she has to start to heal the wounds that were caused by being violated by the most important person in her life. It will take a long time. You can't do that for her, and you are not the expert. She is with the expert, and you need to encourage her to listen to them. YOu did a wonderful job. And there is still more for you to do. Believe me, you are helping. IT is not unusual for her to loose a little weight before she starts to heal. Remember, her dad abused her for many years, she is not going to get better over night. She needs to learn to trust again, and only then can she hope to live a normal life. The best thing you can do is be patient. Hang in there. You did the right thing so far. You are maturing too, and getting stronger, and while that is sad, because kids should get to be kids, you will be the better person for it. One of my favorite sayings is...What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Please write again.
Michele
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I've been friends with this one girl forever, even before elementary school. She never actually told me that she was my best friend, but I always thought so because she and I hung out together a lot and we shared everything with each other. A few years ago, Friend #2 moved in from Maryland and started to hang out with my group of friends. We've just discovered that my original friend is going to move to California, where she was born, and friend #2 is becoming very clingy and starting to keep secrets between my friend and I. Friend #2 is always choosing seats next to my friend, and talking with her, and trying to stand between my friend and I when we get into the lunch line, because all of us buy food every day. I'm not sure what to do- friend #2 is somewhat friends with me even though she tries to hang out more with my original friend. I don't want to tell her to buzz off, and I'm afraid what kind of answer I might get if I ask my original friend. What do I do? (link)
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Wow, you must be sad to find out that your first friend is moving to California. You hardly have time to spend with her before she leaves and this other girl is butting in. And it seems she likes your friend best of the two of you. You can try inviting your first friend to some specials times together, just the two of you, because she will be moving soon. You can share your memories of the times even before elementary school that you shared together. If you become closer when you are together, then even when other kids are around, it can't take away the special times you had together. I hope that you two will stay in touch using the computer. I think you should be patient with friend #2. When your first friend moves, she may become more important to you. WHile that may not interest you, you don't want to have her as an enemy. She could make your life miserable. Better that you are in control of the situation, and you are the one to turn down her friendship rather than she snub you. I know that you are anxious and you are right to have the feelings that you do about girl #2, but I have always found that patience pays off, because you can't take back something bad when it is said. And it could come back to haunt you. I hope this helps. GOod Luck.
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is masterbation a sin? if so then how do i stop? (link)
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No masterbation is not a sin,and you don't have to stop. Unles it is inteferring with normal life. If you are not spending time with your friends or family or not doing your homework because and your grades are suffering, then you have a problem. But if it is not interring with your life, then don't worry, you will slow down on your own in time.
Michele
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i have obsessive-compulsive disorder about death. in my mind i am always seeing people die like i see my dad die in a car accident and it's really scary. does anybody have any suggestions to help me think of something else. don't say "just stop thinking about it" because i can't just say "ok brain you know the drill start thinking about candy land and hot dudes hugging you. because that's not the way it works (link)
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Ok, when you say you "see" people die, in your mind, do you see detail? Do you see the faces of the people? Nevermind that it 's you dad, that is an awful thougth, but what about other people, do you see people you don't know, or is it allways people you know. DO you see plane crashes or train recks. If you see people that you don't know in accidents and stuff like that, then you have ESP Extra Sensory Perception. It is a gift. All of us have it to some extent, but most of us have forgotten how to use that gift. It is like when a loved one dies (far away from you, and while you are not a witness, a feeling comes over you, and you just know it) Many of us have that ability. But some of use are real good at seeing future events. If you do have this gift you should nurture it, and not supress it.
On the other hand, if the people you see are ONLY people that you know, that you are overly worried about death and dying. This can take a turn for the worse and make your life very very difficult for you. All the worrying in the world never made a bit of difference. But steps taken to ensure safety, like using seat belts, don't drink and drive, avoid dangerous situations, and locations, and people, can all help to alleviate your fear. We can't eliminate accidents from our lives completely, but we can certainly minimize their occurance. So if you continually worry about people that you love dying in accidents, but don't take precautions to make sure that accidents don't happen, even for yourself, then you are not ready to stop worrying about the worst thing that could happen to someone.
Michele
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Is Ellen Degenirus a lesbian? I dont know! Help! (link)
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Yes she is and proud of it.
Michele
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I am very good friends with this guy and have been interested in him for a while. Last summer he started watching me and other people would tell me that he was doing this it has progressed to a mutual flirting as well he has told me that if anyone would notice what I wear it would be him. He told to call him if I need anything or ever just want to talk and has told me that he would be offended if I needed help and didnt ask him because he wants to be there for me. He gets upset if he feels people misuse me or if they make comments that arent called for. Does he like me and if so why hasnt he asked me out?
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It sounds to me like he really likes you. Those are the kind of comments that I like to hear. "Please call me if you need anything." And it is with no strings attached. And there should be no strings attached at this point in the game. Why don't you take him up on his offer, and have him help you with something. Say something you have to do for your parents, or maybe, (do you have a brother) ask him if he would like to help you pick out a gift for your brother, father, whatever, even your mom. That is something very simple, (and you don't really need help with it,) and you would get to spend some time alone and get to know each other better.
Michele
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After my dad died, I've been having problems with myself. For a while I was okay. but recently i keep getting mad and feeling so...weird. So i started cutting, but now I don't know what to do. I can't stop...it feels so addictive. We have a spring trip soon to a water park and I don't want everyone to see my cuts. What should I do? (link)
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Hi dear,
First let me say that I am sorry for your loss. I too lost my dad before I really got to know him. Your admission that you are cutting yourself, tells me that your family is not dealing well with the death of your dad. They are all (and I don't know how many people there are in your family), but they are all in denial. Or at least the most important person, your mom. She may not being dealing with it well, outwardly. Believe me, if she is functioning, and you have a roof over your head, and food in the frige, then she is dealing with it, but perhaps dealing with it inwardly. I can only tell you this. While the loss of your dad is devasting to the whole family. The loss is felt differently by the children and the spouse. Your mom, lost her lover, her husband, her rock, her life's partner, the person she hoped she would spend her retirement with, after she and your dad did a great job of raising you kids. Now he is gone. She may be trying not to think of that loss, while she is trying to protect you from the loss by being both mother and father, and doing a lousy job at both because she is denying her grief, outwardly, and grieving inwardly.
Now on the other hand, you have lost a very important person in your life, a person that you always counted on to be there, a person that you were not ready to give up, and a person who you hoped you would be able to turn to when you had some questions, or some problems....and now what do you do?????? You don't feel you can turn to your mom, because you feel for her,because she lost her husband. You're mad at him and the next second, you feel guilty for being mad. And you mom is experienceing the same emotional tumoil.
Well, do I need to say here that you all need some counseling. You probably already know that, but you know that you can't just go get it on your own. so you are wondering, why won't your mom suggest it?
You are cutting yourself, because everyone is denying their feelings, and it seems like what is expected of everyone is to feel numb, and guess what? We as humans, do not want to go around feeling numb. If we are forced to we will, but then we will act out by doing something like cutting ourselves, so we can JUST FEEL SOMETHING!!!!! or taking drugs, to keep the numb feeling, because without the drugs, reality keeps butting in.
I urge you to get some help. even if your mom won't. Can someone at school help you. Isn't there another kid you know who has lost a parent that you could talk to? You are not alone in your feelings. There are other kids who feel the same way. This must be the third letter I have answered about "cutting" in just one week. I wish parents would all go and take classes on how to help their kids through things like this, dealing with emotions...anger, loss, helplessness.
Again, I am sorry for your loss. I believe that when we die, our spirits go, well maybe not to heaven, but somewhere, and our loved one see us on earth, and while they see that we suffer the human frailties of pain and loss. They know that some day we will be leaving this earth and be spiritual also, and be happy. I know it sounds silly, but it keeps me going. Faith is very important in life. It keeps us from having to find ANSWERS to things like: and untimely death, to accepting that there are reasons for the things that happen. SOme of the things that have happened in my life, were not deserved or expected or wanted. But I spend time thinking about WHY they happened, and some took longer to figure out than others, but eventually I found that I had learned something from each event.
I hope this helped.
God Bless You!
Michele
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I met this guy about 4 months ago, 6 weeks of which we were boyfriend and girlfriend.He was the first love of my life and he treated me very well for the most part.After we broke up, I got over it exceptionaly well and fast...but then about three weeks after, he im-ed me and told me he still liked me and that he missed me,i got into "the moment" and I told him i missed him too, which was the truth to an extent.But then he tells me "we'll wait."i agreed, but i don't know what he meant by that.
Then one day were talking online and he told me that he loved me and he was flirting with me a lot.But what i don't understand is then..the next day...he was with my number one enemy and some of my friends, and he attempted three times to put his arm around her and hold her hand!(I was out of town) I confronted him about my knowing and he got really mad.We didn't talk for a couple of days and then he just acted like it never happened. From then on in, he's been sending me A LOT of mixed signals. One day i know he likes me, and the next i'm not so sure. And it's not like i can ask him because he's never very "open" about his feelings. And sometimes he scares me because he can be really violent...not like hurting me or anything...just that like i've heard things that he's done and stuff.But still...when i'm with him, i just melt and I never want to leave him. I don't know what to do about him. Do i keep chasing him? please help me. thank you. (link)
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Hi Dear,
I think your gut it trying to tell you something. We women used to have, (and many of us still do) great intuition. There was a time when we relied on it. But the past two generations have gotten too used to being told how they feel, and how they should feel...by TV, magazines, sit-coms. Wouldn't it be lovely if life were as simple as it seems to be on a sit-com. Problems are solved in about 1/2 hour. The reason you are getting mixed messages from your friend is because he IS sending mixed messages. And I think he is doing it deliberately. He means to keep you confused so you won't know if you are coming or going, and that keeps him in control. The fact that he was with your friends and trying to get close to your enemy....and I assume he knew that you did not like this girl.....he knew that this info would get back to you. He didn't care about how it would make you feel. When someone loves you, really loves you, or just thinks they love you and wants to explore a stronger realtionship with you...THEY DO NOT SEND MIXED MESSAGES....they go out of their way to make sure that you understand that if your interested, they are definitely interested! Unfortunately for us, sometimes it's a guy that we would not give the time of day to!
But when you become a young adult, boys change into men, and sometimes they grow up and become more considerate. I urge you, please find a guy that is considerate of your feelings. Nothing hurts more than a broken heart, except when our heart has been broken by a guy that really wasn't good enought to kiss our a**. We women really like those bad guys, but it is always a tragedy in the end. That violent stuff you mentioned scares me. So many of us think, that sure if a guy if violent because he was picked on by some guys, and he let them have it, and he won, and they lost, and isn't he wonderful, and strong, and viril!!!!!. Well the problem here is that boys, or men, who use violence to solve their problems will do so with their women too. When lovers, married couples, parents, whatever, have problems, and we all do eventually no matter how "wonderful" a relationship is....if the guy (and it usually is the guy) doesn't know how to deal with "life's problems" then he will resort to violence. Do you know anything about this guys family? His parents. We all learn what we live. Some of us are treated terribly by our parents, and it is not our fault, but while we are being treated badly, we are also LEARNING. We learn to behave like our parents, whether we like it or not. And it takes a very strong person, to overcome that kind of learning. And your friend, who doesn't seem to care about your feelings.....who uses violence to deal with issues.....and who won't discuss the things that are bothering you....or just pretends that something didn't happen......doesn't sound like a person who will cherish you and not break your heart. I know what you mean when you say you "melt". I really do, I have been there, but honey those feelings are soon forgotten when his fist is flying at your face.
Being cherished is what we all want, and that is OK, it is hard to find, but not impossible. The signs are there. Use your intuition. Pay attention to what your gut tells you. And you will be ok.
Michele
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