Q: I met my friend a year ago. At the time he was in a relationship with
his girlfriend of 5 years and it wasn't going well. I spent nearly
every day with him at work and I even tried to help him deal with some
hidden issues he hadn't expressed to anyone. About a month or so
later his girlfriend kicked him out and he began living at his work.
When I stayed one night talking to him, we ended up sleeping together.
I had been in love with him from day one so I was on cloud 9. Their
break up lasted 2 weeks and I was left with nothing. Not long after
that she kicked him out again for a "let's take a break". During that
time he found her in bed with another guy the day before his birthday.
He couldn't eat, sleep, or anything and was throwing up constantly.
But I was by his side. When his family and friends told him he should
get over her, I stood by his side knowing he wasn't ready. It wasn't
long after that we began sleeping together again. This was more
confusing on my part because it's how I ended up with my ex-husband,
we were just friends, but I slept with him hoping we'd become more and
eventually we did, even when he swore he'd never love me.
So with this best friend of mine our "complicated" friendship
continues. He kept saying he didn't want me to be a rebound so I told
him to date other girls (knowing it would hurt me) hoping that when
the relationships wouldn't work he'd realize what he was missing was
in me. He dated one girl, after sleeping with her one time she broke
it off. He came right back to me. Months later he dated another
girl, slept with me the entire time they were dating because he wasn't
happy with her but still wanted to see where it would go. After they
slept together once, they broke it off and he came right back to me.
After that he said he was done dating and we just stayed together.
These entire months of being together people we didn't even know could
see something between us when we'd go out. He said it was because of
the way I acted because my affection is so obvious, but there were
times when I walked away from him for a few minutes only to be greeted
by admirers pointing out that he had something in his eyes just for
me, and some saw jealousy even when he swore he was not a jealous guy.
There were a few times he kissed me in public without realizing it.
And we were always touching in one way or another when we were out
with my friends. His friends and family our relationship was
completely hidden and they were only to know we were friends. They
weren't stupid, but they didn't ever bring it up again.
Shortly after the last girl we began to get closer, to the point that
one night he allowed me to tell him a list of reasons we were perfect
for each other. Knowing that he didn't want me to love him I was
afraid of a fallout after telling him. I was shocked when his
response ended up being "I've been thinking the same thing for the
last month." For months after he'd pull away and we'd get closer
again over and over. Things were looking really well for us.
My spring break was supposed to be entirely devoted to us, but every
night he was supposed to come over something came up. On the night
that he promised he definitely wouldn't let anything come in my way
because it was my last spring break weekend, I had gotten really
paranoid that day that something was going to keep us apart that night
too. My paranoia led to a major fight because he thought I was
accusing him of already breaking plans. The fight continued all
night. I went out to a bar to see some old friends I hadn't talked to
in forever and try to put the pain out of my mind. A few hours later
he showed up at the same bar. I made up my mind to avoid him. It was
going ok until one of my friends pointed out that he was there with
another girl. The next morning he admitted he'd been going out with
her for three weeks. Those same three weeks that we'd been making so
many plans together, sleeping together, and him staying over to wake
up with me in the morning.
I had fallen so much in love with him by this point that when he told
me I literally threw up. After talking for a while though his
arguments about me loving him seemed to fall away. He asked if we
could have a friendship without intimacy and before I could answer he
admitted with a laugh that we couldn't. He had told me that after all
the girls he'd ever been with I was his best, and it wasn't a lie.
And he too was my best. And we both could admit that we couldn't live
without each other in any way, friend or intimacy. Neither of us knew
what to do from there. I pointed out all of the times people thought
he was in love with me too and soon he stopped fighting it. He even
admitted that he wouldn't be with this girl for very long. And he
even admitted for the first time ever that if I found someone else
he'd be jealous and have an extremely hard time with it. After
leaving me more comforted than before, he hung up promising to call me
after his shower. He never called again that day. I hadn't eaten,
showered, changed, or slept in two days by the following morning. I
had lost so much weight it made me feel even sicker. That night I got
him on the phone finally when I called assuming he wouldn't answer.
He had completely changed. Again he was yelling at me for loving him,
telling me I was being ridiculous for it, and more. Needless to say I
threw up again. And then I called my mom to cry. He had promised to
call back in a few hours but I wasn't sure.
He did call back. And we argued more. He said he could never love me
and would never love me. He told me that when he cried the week
before saying he couldn't live without me he meant it as "just
friends". He said that if I couldn't stop loving him then we could
never see each other or talk again. He knows that I'm the only one
that supports his career dreams and only helping him achieve them and
told me that he'd learn how to live without it if he couldn't have me
in his life. He told me he didn't want to fall in love or have a
serious relationship because of how his 5 year ex had left him, even
admitting that as a friend I might have came into his life at the
right time to help him through that relationship, but as something
more it was the wrong time entirely. And that since I already seemed
so serious about him that he felt being with me would be like having
to put a ring on my finger immediately. He told me not to wait for
him because it could be next year or five years down the road (this
time not mentioning we'd never be a couple).
In the mix of all these arguments and promises of "never" he always
slips up and leaves a lot of hope and confusion as can be seen
earlier. In regards to our futures planned together he always said
when I published my first book (a book he dreamed up and wanted me to
write) he'd steal me away from fans at my book signing to ravish me.
How is that supposed to be seen as "just friends"? That's what he
said the future he planned for us was. He told me that when I saw him
at the bar with this new girlfriend that the reason he had his arms
around her was because she was intimidated by me, afraid of me
stealing him away, and wanted to come talk to me. I pointed out that
she'd never met me, he'd only told her I was a friend, and I
completely avoided them at the bar (when I saw them holding each other
I cried in the bathroom to avoid drama). To me her intimidation could
only come from his actions towards me and not mine, another viewpoint
on people seeing the need for me in his eyes.
He had promised me the most unimaginable night out I ever would have
experienced for my birthday in three weeks. He asked why we couldn't
still do it and go as just friends. When I told him that if his
girlfriend was already intimidated by me that she wouldn't possibly
let him go, he made some excuse that didn't even make sense. And he
had planned an amazing summer vacation for us both on the beach for
two weeks. He said that was meant as just friends too but intimacy
was a major part of that plan. He forgets his own words and his own
plans. I feel like everything I had to look forward to has now become
extinct.
Not only am I faced with the general dilemma of waiting for him to
notice his love, but I'm faced with new dilemma of his ultimatum:
Either I stop loving him and we be just friends while he dates
around...or...we never talk or see each other again and I lose my
friend and lover. I don't want to lose either. I really really don't
want to lose his friendship, but at the same time our friendship has
never been just friendship and I don't know how to not feel
heartbroken when he's with someone else. I don't know what to do.
His actions show he does love me as more than a friend, and sometimes
his words do too like when he says he doesn't want to lose me to
someone else (and I promise it's not just his wanting to have his cake
and eat it too while dating someone else). We're both confused, but
he's fighting it so hard. I am still willing to wait for him because
I know he does want me and I know that he's not ready yet to love.
I've been through this before and had a long and happy relationship
with my ex until some things just couldn't be avoided like a lot of
relationships. I'm afraid if I do walk out on our friendship that not
only will I lose my truest best friend but I'll also lose any hope of
him realizing he loves me and also that he'll lose out on his own
future because he doesn't have my support. But I'm also afraid that
if I promise him just friendship that we'll both have a hard time
adjusting which will make me fall in love again and make him pull away
again when he starts having feelings for me again too. I'm lost. I'm
hurting. And I love him, more so than I ever did my ex-husband. I
know we should be together, but I just don't know if he'll let himself
admit it.
I know this is long and I'm so sorry. The people that truly know me
inside and out really do think he's the one for me, even my mom, but
she also suggests I move on until he decides he's ready. The friends
that I see irregularly and don't understand me tell me he's not worth
it which only makes it hurt more. When my ex and I separated I swore
I'd never fall in love again and hadn't planned on it, I even stopped
having sex for well over a year...until I met this guy. Love at first
sight for the second time in my life. I don't want to do it again. I
want to stop feeling punished and be happy with him like I feel when
it's just us and we're not arguing, when we're perfect. Am I really a
fool or is it possible that he just needs to see that he needs me as
more than a friend?
(He's 26, I'm 24)
